TOW: Prayer

You know, it's been probably since May that I've been able to pray.  Prayer is something really special to me, and I think it's benefited me in ways I can't even imagine. 

I have realized, somewhat recently, that prayer has been my crutch. Maybe it always will be. But, I have decided that the relationship I have with God needs to change, along with the relationship I have with myself. I can't ask God for happiness. I have to make it myself. It's part of free will.

I have decided to take a break from all the ways that I normally used to pray.  Most of my praying, most of the spiritual work I did, it was out of a kind of obligation.  Which is good.  It is good to have responsibilities, of all kinds.  Responsibilities keep us balanced, and quite frankly, keep us happy and grounded in real life.  

But you can't pray for happiness.  God can't give us happiness, and we can only be happy when we stop asking for things that we were meant to create ourselves, with our own hands, and our own minds.   Sometimes prayer for me was a way for me to focus on other people's pain, instead of my own pain.  But I have realized, that I need to spend time, focusing on what makes me happy, on what is my personal happiness.  On myself.
So for now, I've stopped praying.  Not because I want to stop...but because I need to evaluate my circumstances again, and think about myself.  Sometimes prayer can be a distraction, to make us focus on a task instead of a relationship.  Prayer, real prayer, is about spending time with ourselves doing a task, and getting something out of it that benefits our spiritual selves.  I will have a regular prayer life, again, in the near future.   I need to spend time with myself, in silence, away from too many tasks, and away from pressuring myself. 

Maybe what I am really searching for is a way to communicate with God in a way that makes sense to me.  I know that my ability to love relies on me being happy with myself.  And, again, prayer is usually a product of a healthy mind, and right now, I'm still working on being healthy.  Emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  But like all good things, it takes some time.