TOW: Maybe It's Me

You know, my friend Chris and I have long talks involving the phrase, "Maybe It's Me."  You know this phrase.  It's that moment, almost straight out of every bad romantic comedy, where the protagonist finally falls to pieces, and whatever cute lie/hilarious scenario they were involved in, (often in hopes of making someone love them) has finally let itself out of the bag, and the main character can only stand there and say, "Man, I screwed up."

It's that lightbulb moment where the main character finally decides, wow...maybe it IS me.  The problem...it's me.


I have been spending a lot of time lately trying to cut those moments out of my life.  I have had a bit of a rollercoaster over the last 4-6 months of my life, a lot of uncertainty, and more than anything, a feeling of "Wow, I screwed up," seems to have followed me around for the last little while.  I have finally gotten to the moment in my personal romantic (well non-romantic) comedy where I've realized I'm starting to do and be things that aren't really me.  It's SO not maybe me.   It is me.

The answer to all this is, of course, that life goes on, even after you screw up.  And the beauty of screwing up is that, hopefully, you learn some kind of lesson that can change you for the better without changing all the positive things about yourself you have come to love, over and over again. 

But, like most things in life, there's no easy answer.  There's never enough of what you need, when you need it to keep you satisfied with your personal self.  And, even when there is, there's always something just around the corner to rain on your parade and start the whole process over again.  We never seem to escape, and even if we could, we probably wouldn't.  We seem to love our own personal dramas.


But maybe it's just me.

VOW: Pacman Ghosts Discuss TV

This is exactly how I feel when people talk about tv around me.  I can't embed it, but follow the link.

TOW: Downgrading

This has been one of the strangest weeks I think I've had in a while.  I just moved, I start my new internship and new job over the next two weeks, and it's my birthday in two days.  I have seen people I didn't expect to see, met people I didn't expect to meet, and said and had things said to me I didn't expect to hear over the last week.  And through all of it, I keep thinking, "How much of this is valuable in my life?  What am I doing right, and what needs to change?"  This, my friends, has been a week of downgrading.

A lot of changes have happened recently.  I'm changing gyms, and I now take the streetcar instead of the bus.  I live in an Asian neighbourhood compared to a Greek neighbourhood.  I have a giant bag of clothes I'm throwing away.  I now have a gas stove instead electric.  (Believe me, the last one was a definite downgrade.)

I have been thinking, since the last two to three weeks have gone by that I need to make a lot of changes in my life, and most of those changes have to do with wanting less, not wanting more.  I have spent a long time now, running after things that don't matter, and getting involved in problems that don't matter.   And I have spent some of this year ignoring and, I think, hurting people close to me that do matter.  Part of this 'downgrade' is to start making time for things and people that matter, and cutting off the excesses that primarly seem to be ruining my life.

I think I expected that after I was done my post-graduate program my life could finally begin.  Like, I had made a choice, it was going to all work out the way I planned, and I was going to have the life I always wanted and dreamed of, better than ever.  I was going to so-called 'make it,' and then everything would be a ride into the sunset.  (I'm still waiting for that sunset.)

The rude awakening for me came when I realized that you can't rely on other people or circumstances to work out the way you planned, and often those things you value and treasure have a way of disappearing when you think you need them.  It's life's way of saying that you have things in your life that must change, even if sometimes you aren't completely ready to face those changes.  There is not any one point where your life can begin...it's already happening, all the time. 

The rule of life always is simplify, simplify, simplify.  But, I need to do more than that.  I need to really, honestly change.  Because I'm pretty sure the person I used to be would regret the person I have become, because the old me wouldn't let failure bother them, they would breeze right through it.  And part of the reason you downgrade, is so that your personality doesn't get a downgrade, either.  Sometimes you have to give away things you wish worked, so that you can find something that makes sense again.

And that's how I feel about downgrading this week.