It's funny how much things can change in a year.
I think back to last summer, and how different my life was then versus now.
I'm not going to lie. I used to hate Toronto. And I would be lying if I said I'm now in love with Toronto.
Instead, I feel like the longer I live here, the more I come towards a happy medium, something a little closer to normal, a little farther away from the crazy sort of way things were when I first arrived. More than anything, I really feel like things keep changing for the better...and that the more I focus on the little things that make me happy and successful, the more life around here seems to normalizes. In a city like Toronto, where crazy is the new black, that's saying quite a lot. You just have to find your bubble, I guess.
I often compare living here to living in Belgium. It's funny, living in Belgium, I should have felt worse. I couldn't get a full-time job there, couldn't speak either national language with any skill, and I spent a lot of time alone, and screwed up a lot while I was there.
But Belgium was where I first became an adult. Everything that had anything to do with becoming self-sufficient, and taking care of myself. Everything was great. Every challenge was fresh, and no words can describe the adventure of living by yourself in a country a million miles from home. It's liberating and exhaustingly fun all at the same time,
Toronto, instead, was kind of a step backwards. It was a big city (big minus) it was unfriendly in a Canadian sort of way (bigger minus) and I tried my best to make good choices for myself, and a combination of circumstances and attemps to 'do the right thing' ended me up in so much more trouble that I almost never saw the end of it. (Biggest minus) My goals have really changed in the last couple of years, and sometimes it was a really hard change to face.
But with time, and my late twenties (soon to be early thirties, eep) comes a different kind of understanding of my life, and the phases in it. Where in my twenties I was running at a break-neck speed towards a goal that eventually stopped existing, I have a feeling my thirties (if I make it there, you know, don't get hit by a bus and all that) will be about taking my energy and trying to make something that's going to last. And part of making things last relies on accepting the present for what it is and leaving the past in the past, all while having hope for the future. Because we all need hope.
The one thing that has really hit me over the past two weeks or so is that you can avoid facts for only so long before it becomes symptomatic of a bigger health problem, physical or otherwise. And the fact is that you own your own life. You can love it, or hate it. You can find every crazy, embarrassing thing that is wrong about your life a total drag, or you can accept these things for what they are, a type of growing pain we always seem to experience, again and again.
And accepting you for being you, at the present moment, is no easy thing. But I think it's a worthwhile exercise.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
TOW: A Family of friends
I've been thinking a lot about what makes people happy in general.
After having a long period of time away with my family, I realized that whenever I have been really happy in life, I have always managed to have a family of friends to rely on.
It seems to me that what really matters in life is the size and quality of your social structure. And that quality can be evaluated based on how 'familial' your friends are. Yes, some of them are like the cousin you never wish you had, but on the other hand, we love people in spite of their flaws. (Indeed, sometimes it's people flaws that make them charming, not their better qualities.)
As I get a bit older now, and live so far away from my family, I'm starting to see the benefit, as well as the peril, of living with/out a family that I've created. Having good friends in my life has always been integral to me saying that I'm successful as a person. And, I have some really great friends (although, granted, not all of them live in one place).
I was looking for statistics on the 'new' style of blended families, which is to say, families of your own choosing, but they're far and few between. I have seen them in the past, but I can't seem to pull up anything now. But I remember it being that said that a healthy social life created a kind of family between people of different groups and backgrounds based on a need to have a social 'grounding' so to speak. And this grounding in group of people with different roles creates stability in a life where there might be less stability.
It's a good feeling to feel 'safe' because you're surrounded by people that can fill the roles of uncle, spouse, brother, sister, father/mother in some cases. And those roles really matter because we still judge our 'other' societal relations based on our contact or need to attend events with our 'family' whether chosen or blood-related. In reality, we all have to 'choose' our family--to love them or hate them, to trust them or distant ourselves from them. But good family members will always be there for us, even if it isn't always quite in the way we expect.
After having a long period of time away with my family, I realized that whenever I have been really happy in life, I have always managed to have a family of friends to rely on.
It seems to me that what really matters in life is the size and quality of your social structure. And that quality can be evaluated based on how 'familial' your friends are. Yes, some of them are like the cousin you never wish you had, but on the other hand, we love people in spite of their flaws. (Indeed, sometimes it's people flaws that make them charming, not their better qualities.)
As I get a bit older now, and live so far away from my family, I'm starting to see the benefit, as well as the peril, of living with/out a family that I've created. Having good friends in my life has always been integral to me saying that I'm successful as a person. And, I have some really great friends (although, granted, not all of them live in one place).
I was looking for statistics on the 'new' style of blended families, which is to say, families of your own choosing, but they're far and few between. I have seen them in the past, but I can't seem to pull up anything now. But I remember it being that said that a healthy social life created a kind of family between people of different groups and backgrounds based on a need to have a social 'grounding' so to speak. And this grounding in group of people with different roles creates stability in a life where there might be less stability.
It's a good feeling to feel 'safe' because you're surrounded by people that can fill the roles of uncle, spouse, brother, sister, father/mother in some cases. And those roles really matter because we still judge our 'other' societal relations based on our contact or need to attend events with our 'family' whether chosen or blood-related. In reality, we all have to 'choose' our family--to love them or hate them, to trust them or distant ourselves from them. But good family members will always be there for us, even if it isn't always quite in the way we expect.
VOW: Last Friday Night
As per usual, Katy Perry produces original content. Wait for the Corey Feldman at the end.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
TOW: Money and Love
I spent a lot of time thinking this weekend about the kind of family I am from. My brother got married this weekend, and it was interesting to see the difference between the bride's family and our family. It hurts to say this, but our family probably paid for all of the wedding. And weddings are interesting because they are not romantic events that have Hollywood moments. They're actually quite political in nature.
It's funny that we all think that people these days marry for love and for common interests between them and their partner...especially since the state of marriage, since time immemorial, has been, for the most part, a practical arrangement. Even in Genesis in the Bible, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." God didn't say it's not good to be without love. Just that it's not good to be without someone, and to be without God. These are practical concerns, not romantic or 'emotional' concerns. God was rational when he did what he did.
And history shows that arranged marriages were made to produce good children and bloodlines as well as financial gain and stability. Very few wedding attendees, now and almost certainly back then, talk about whether they think the couple is in love, or how in love a couple seems. It's more that people talk about the food, how long the speeches were, whether they were hot, crowded, bored or tired...people talk about all things political at a wedding, and more than anything, it's usually about whether a wedding was expensive or cheap.
And like all good things of price, a good wedding is expensive. The average expected cost of a wedding in Canada is $23, 330. In the U.S., it's about $24k
People often comment whether a bride buys into money or not. Great novels have been written about if a woman chooses a penniless man she loves or a man with $ who is good enough.
Very rarely do the two coincide, apparently.
I got to witness a lot of political family undercurrents, a lot of interesting surprises, and a lot of questions about what it is that makes a marriage great. In the end, the most important thing seems to be true--practical concerns will make or break a marriage. Therefore, money is not the key to happiness, but it seems to be the key to a good marriage and a good family life.
While I'm not sure I entirely believe that, experience seems to be teaching me otherwise. I've seen a lot this weekend that suggest that people marry not for love, but because marriage is a practical social arrangement. Not convienent, but practical. Convienent would be common-law.
Anyways, the point is that marriage requires a lot of work...and that means loving the other person, but also recognizing the practical needs of your partner and yourself. Because it seems to be that ignoring those practical needs will certainly result in the failure of any healthy relationship.
It's funny that we all think that people these days marry for love and for common interests between them and their partner...especially since the state of marriage, since time immemorial, has been, for the most part, a practical arrangement. Even in Genesis in the Bible, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." God didn't say it's not good to be without love. Just that it's not good to be without someone, and to be without God. These are practical concerns, not romantic or 'emotional' concerns. God was rational when he did what he did.
And history shows that arranged marriages were made to produce good children and bloodlines as well as financial gain and stability. Very few wedding attendees, now and almost certainly back then, talk about whether they think the couple is in love, or how in love a couple seems. It's more that people talk about the food, how long the speeches were, whether they were hot, crowded, bored or tired...people talk about all things political at a wedding, and more than anything, it's usually about whether a wedding was expensive or cheap.
And like all good things of price, a good wedding is expensive. The average expected cost of a wedding in Canada is $23, 330. In the U.S., it's about $24k
People often comment whether a bride buys into money or not. Great novels have been written about if a woman chooses a penniless man she loves or a man with $ who is good enough.
Very rarely do the two coincide, apparently.
I got to witness a lot of political family undercurrents, a lot of interesting surprises, and a lot of questions about what it is that makes a marriage great. In the end, the most important thing seems to be true--practical concerns will make or break a marriage. Therefore, money is not the key to happiness, but it seems to be the key to a good marriage and a good family life.
While I'm not sure I entirely believe that, experience seems to be teaching me otherwise. I've seen a lot this weekend that suggest that people marry not for love, but because marriage is a practical social arrangement. Not convienent, but practical. Convienent would be common-law.
Anyways, the point is that marriage requires a lot of work...and that means loving the other person, but also recognizing the practical needs of your partner and yourself. Because it seems to be that ignoring those practical needs will certainly result in the failure of any healthy relationship.
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Friday, September 02, 2011
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