On Tuesday, my grandfather died

A lot of my family posted on Facebook about my grandfather, photos, some of his humour and mannerisms, and there was an outpouring of public support from friends and family.  I couldn't really bring myself to read the comments, or even some of the things that my family members posted.  I was upset at the time...and being away from family doesn't make it easier....it makes it harder.  And I can't be there....because the airport in Toronto has shut down because of weather related problems.  I called my dad, my grandmother....they understand...but it doesn't make it easier.  I want so much to be with them, to give my dad a big hug, to sit with my grandmother when she cries, to give her my shoulder if it will help, to smile if it will ease the pain.

I have been very lucky to have grown up with not two, but three amazing parents who love me and want me to grow up to be an upstanding individual.  I have been born into a family of love, a family of people who are not drug addicts, gambling addicts, in jail, or otherwise fallen into the various social pits of society, never to escape.  I come from a family of winners.  I look forward to seeing our families succeed and support each other as we grow up into the future.  

I am now an adult; I am no longer blind to the weights that adults bear during difficult times.  Difficulties faced in happiness, in illness, in misunderstandings...in the passing of missed opportunities, of ones that are missed.  Now is one of those times. I miss my grandfather, because he was family, and I loved him.  I wish I had more words, more words that could be something, something that means something to me.

My dad and my grandmother displayed the kind of strength I hope one day I might have.  The strength to love when love is hard, the strength to persevere, especially when not all is right.  It is easy to be kind when life is easy.  It is not easy to be kind when life is cruel, and circumstances are final.  It is hard to believe in God, to love what is good and right and true when the people you love are constantly in a world where nothing seems good, right or true.  Where every light is but a little dimmer, squandered in the face of consequences of living, and being born to die again.  In those kind of days, happiness and goodness only come up for air to show that they still exist, not that they have come to stay for a season.  They only appear as a contrast to the difficult times ahead.  The difficult times faced by those who choose love.  To love and be loved.  To lose.  But to gain again, as the cycle of life continues.  And happiness can begin again. 


My grandfather and I share a name.  Both a family name and his first name.  I have always felt strongly connected to him as the grandchild to carry on his name, though he was a man of few words.  He and I rarely spoke, though we did spend time together....and if we did speak, unsurprisingly, it was me doing most of the talking. I was grateful....grateful for the time I was able to spend with him as a teenager, as a young adult.  I know that not everyone gets to know their family.  I know that my grandfather and I were very different...but I loved him all the same.  And I know he was surrounded by people who loved him as he passed.  And I am thankful to still have those amazing, caring people in my life.