An elegy for a friend

 Around this time last year I found out I had lost a friend I thought dearly of, in a tragic accident.  I don't know how to express in words what Stephanie meant to me, but I'll bring up a few memories.

 

 

 

 

I was never a big fan of the CNE until Stephanie invited me to go, and to try out all the weird foods.  Both her and I connected over a shared love of strange deep friend foods, and good company.  We enjoyed just walking around events like this and taking in the atmosphere.  We chatted about lots of things, but mostly we were just excited for this chapter in our lives.

We had a friend group that was held together by her...she organized get-togethers, and we constantly had fun hanging out as young professionals trying to make it in Toronto.  After Stephanie left Toronto, the three of us saw each other once and a while, but she was definitely a 'glue' between a couple different kinds of people.

 

 

 

Also, pickles.  We laughed about pickles on a stick. I think they were around $6, but as cheap and dumb as we were, we bought them anyways...and laughed.

There's so many more memories that are here before camera photos and unlimited online photos were a thing.  Some highlights:

1. Us as recent graduates, gossiping and calling various classmates out for their terrible choices in men, jobs and other things we thought we knew better about, when we were making all the same mistakes (We enjoyed our feelings of superiority, though, and were very supportive of both of us and our complexes)
   
2. Us talking crap about the PR industry in Toronto and some of our horrible bosses and their terrible complexes. 
3. Her being supportive of me as a freelancer at the start of my career.  She was my biggest professional cheerleader in many ways
4. Her trying to get me hired to Sun Life so we could work together again
5. Her constantly reaching out to come to Waterloo so we could all hang together.  I'm sorry I was so broke I couldn't afford to go.  But I was, and I regret not coming to see you in Waterloo properly.  I wish I had found a way to relight our connection.
6. Me coming to your basement apartment in High Park to cook you what I promised was an authentic Italian dinner: instead, I added too much oil and burnt the bacon and really it was quite disgusting.  You were nice about it, though.
   
7. Us walking around Nuit Blanche at 3 in the morning, freezing, sitting outside Nathan Phillips Square, discussing where our lives would go, while listening to strange Canadian bands and watching 'art' pass us by, and laughing at what other people called art.  It will be forever ingrained in my memory.
   

 

 

More than anything, when I found out what happened, I was angry and upset that the world took away someone who was always smiling, so full of life and laughter.  It was unfair what happened to you.  I still can't believe it, in some ways.

 

I hope you're in heaven smiling down on all those who clearly loved you.  You're definitely missed, S.

 

Self-betterment and the pandemic

I had a lot of time this winter to think about things to change, things to improve, ways to focus on self-betterment.

2020 I saw a lot of people looking at this time, as an opportunity for growth.

I do wonder if those people grew any, or if they were just telling people what they were working on day-to-day.

Self betterment and improvement are valuable, intrinsic goals for most people.  For some people, they can't look at those goals directly, it's better for those things to be dreams. Because realizing your dreams and making them real, requires real work.  And real work amidst job loss, isolation and a sense of hopelessness for some people is really hard.

In Atomic Habits, James Clear puts this in a way that is simple to understand: we are motivated by our environment.  To put in scientific terms of agricultural progress, the very nature of continents changed the way human societies grew and at what rate:

When agriculture began to spread around the globe, farmers had an easier time expanding along east-west routes than along north-south ones. This is because locations along the same latitude generally share similar climates, amounts of sunlight and rainfall, and changes in season. These factors allowed farmers in Europe and Asia to domesticate a few crops and grow them along the entire stretch of land from France to China. (Motivation is Overvalued. Environment Often Matters More.)

When we think about our activities, and our goals and habits, certain things align themselves naturally. Some activities have natural barriers determined by our environment.  If my goal is to run a successful restaurant, I'm bound by my location, and location matters ever so much in this time of pandemic.  Being a successful photographer or teacher is pretty hard when it's an in-person service.

Conversely, some activities are better suited to online learning or environments.  But the one thing I've learned, as I have read self-help, self reflected on social progress and my place in it, is that our environment determines what motivates us, and also what we are blind to.

I think when this is over, we will see bursts of productivity from people in ways we never expected.  Because just the idea that everyone believes an event has ended means a new psychological environment for us all.