The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

Well.

It's finished.

I don't know how to feel. I'm so tired that I have no emotional strength left. It was all I could do to deal with tasks, and not how people felt. (Although considering everything that happened, I think I handled the feelings side of things pretty well.) It was something that really mattered to me, but in a way I can't explain just how important, or why it was important that I try to help these people put on a play for themselves, to act...I felt similar after the last play. The last play I was sure of its success, at least a little. This play was a success because of random acts of I-don't-know-what, it seems, but also because it was good in its own way. Not perfect, but alright. I was satisfied.

The things I wasn't happy with:

1) Communication with me from people who should have been communicating with me, and putting the wrong people in charge of things. Sometimes my mistake, and I take respsonsibility first. There are so many mistakes that I made that as soon as the day of play came I knew what they were, and I wanted kick myself. And my legs don't bend that way, which is really too bad. And nothing is more frustating than seeing where communication broke down. Especially when it didn't need to be. Totally my fault.

BUT.

There is a point where I just have to believe that people are capable. And near the end, people almost had it, almost acquired this skill of being independently capable. Next semester. I believe they can. =) And I know that unless I leave a margin for failure I'll never turn other people into leaders. So, to solve this, we are going to really work on that next semester. I relied too much on older members of the theatre to do everything. That was my biggest mistake, I think. I should have trusted and taken the people who I thought were capable from the start and used them properly. I really wasted the HR this semester.

2)Technical stuff. This was a disaster. I should have been micro-managing this much better. Again, because I know a lot about how lights and sound work, I know the best thing is to stay out of the way, and things go much faster.

BUT.

There is a difference between staying out of the way, and making sure tasks are done to your satisfaction. Even if I don't know everything that I should about technical stuff, I know what works and I know what I want. And I should have been clearer about this. This would have made my life a beautiful thing. And we would have had extra time. Maybe I could have eaten a real meal today. Since I didn't eat anything except cookies, a piece of bread, candy, and chocolate. By the end of the day I was so spacey I had to ask every single person to repeat what they said at least once, sometimes twice. That's how tired I was. It was great. It would have been worth filming, my complete and utter inability to understand after many, many hours of, just, everything. =)

3)The space. I will never, ever, ever ever play a play from a small stage like that again. Not even if they pay me. Never again.

BUT.

It was a free stage. =)

4)That we could have charged an entrance, and we would have probably have made some great cash. Given the financial...issues this semester, this would have made things a lot better. However, this is not so much a problem of me, as me believing this gave us a bigger crowd. Maybe yes, maybe no. Overall, we wait and see for finances.

5)Being unsure of how many people to expect. We actually ended up with a full house. Nice.

BUT.

Advance tickets. I couldn't find a way to put everything together for the audience in a way which wouldn't be annoying because I had literally no idea how many people would come. Also, Pangaea, as much as I love it, (now and then) is not a venue for theatre. And frankly, I don't think the building can take many more plays there. It's like being forced into a little can of sardines for the audience. And it smells similar to that. No one can see anything, there are too many people, too close, and there's just no way to be happy and sitting and comfortable and have a big audience there. Literally, no way.

The big picture:

Overall, this play was inherently more successful than it deserved. Whether it was as successful as last play, I don't care. The fact that I took people with a much lower level of english, and, for the most part, single-handedly molded them all into little actors and actresses and people who could put on a play, against all odds. And, believe me, there were so many odds, that frankly, it shouldn't have worked. It should have been horrible. There should have been people crying. Like me. But no crying. The people in the play were smiling, laughing afterwards, and people all said they had a good time out of the many I talked to. I acted in two of five scenes, and I managed to have peanuts thrown at my head by the end of the night, so all in all, that smells like success to me. To turn around a dying murder mystery, and for everyone to come together and make a small play in two weeks that can be something we can be happy to be in or your money back and crucify Brennan, it's a success. (It's also a miracle. Thank the Jesus.)

I think the biggest success I had was that I didn't crack. I really should have cracked. I should have gone nuclear. I should have told everyone to stuff their Christmas stockings up their butts, and then murdered everyone with a hatchet. I should have. I was absolutely crazy today, and I honestly could not have been less sane, but the tasks were finished to a degree that was acceptable, and that was acceptable. It was so disorganized that I despaired, and I quote the ever-wise Colin when I say, "I don't have the words to describe the despair on your face, but if I did...", but it could have been much worse. SO. Stuff it up your butt.

It's funny like that. You never know how capable you really are until everything around you becomes incapable of being any more of a disaster. And this play was the epidomy of disaster. The only way it could have been more of a disaster is if I had lost it. Although I'm sure most people said I lost it, I tried my best in some ways. In some ways, I didn't because I just couldn't care anymore or I would have just given up. So, I am proud of myself, and I feel alright about everything. I just directed a play. It was a success. We-ird.

Anyways, I should have been asleep hours ago. Frankly, all I wanted to do today was sleep. And kill. But I would have taken sleep first. Then kill. Now, I just sleep. And we have dinner sometime this week. With theatre people. We will.