And that's the truth. I am just sacked for energy. I have a thesis meeting on Thursday, so now I have to go do a second edit, and then I'll send my promoter a copy. Hopefully he reads it, and does not immediately put it through the academic paper shredder, like usual. Sigh.
In other news, I don't have to work today because a student cancelled.
I'm really thinking about staying here next year, and maybe just working teaching english for next year, and taking a year off for myself to kind of regroup before I continue, whatever 'continue' means. I can feel myself pretty on edge lately, and I know I have to really buff up my language skills...so while I COULD do my PhD now, I think I might take some time off. If I don't, I feel like I might have a mental breakdown. Like I did this weekend. (I thank all parties who were there for me this weekend when that happened. I couldn't have made it without you. You know who you are.)
Anyways, I would still like some advice...if I get offered the MPhil, or PhD here, I'm considering turning it down anyways, and waiting a year until I've sort of put everything back in order. There are a lot of things I would like to do which I haven't had a chance to at all. For example:
i) I have been here for almost two years, and I have yet to visit any place that could be considered 'exotic' or even 'touristy.' While I don't pretend to be good at travelling (Re: Every time I've ever travelled) I do think it's valuable here, and I learn a lot by doing it. And besides, I would like to really have a vacation, something I paid for myself, and really go nuts. The closest thing to that was me visiting London for two or three days in the summer.
ii) I need time for myself. While last year was good, several things had happened
a) I had just finished working with a summer camp where I burnt myself out completely, and then left for Europe 9 days later.
b) I had just moved away for the first time for real, and it was my first time away living in a different culture. For those of you who never have, I can't explain exactly how horrible or how badly people can be hit with culture shock, but it's usually extremely bad. I don't care if you visit some place for three months, or 6 months, or whatever, but living, really living somewhere within a culture has a much different effect. And being unable to 'culturally recharge' on a consistent basis makes it only harder, not easier.
c) I moved here completely by myself (with the help of the momster, I can't thank you enough for coming with me to be there for me) and then built everything from scratch. My Belgian buddy ditched me at the naked lady statue in town. Yeah. It took me a year to find pepper here. And I just discovered somewhere that sells cottage cheese. So, it's all me, baby.
d) To be honest, I had all the time in the world, and not enough contacts. I didn't know enough people, and there just wasn't enough time to get to meet people that I really appreciated and genuinely liked. I'm starting to understand what Ralph means...the similar style ex-pats are not always the people you make the best friends with. It's the people who you can relate with, and surprisingly, they're often not from your country when you go abroad. I don't need people to give me Canadian culture, but I do need people who can support me. And, really, when I got here, I didn't know how or where to look for those people. (And I'm not sure I knew who they were when I found them, either. Strange.)
iii) I haven't had time to draw, really draw, since I've started working. Which is really terrible, because I was in the middle of getting much better. Well, relatively speaking. It's just for fun, anyhow. I like it, anyways.
iv) In all honesty, everything I used to enjoy just seems like work. Everything seems like work, and the longer I continue to burn the candle at both ends, the harder it's going to be to go back to normal-land again. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies, running, reading, drawing, writing stuff on my blog, making indecent conversation on video with Montserrat, etc. These things don't happen anymore. I work, go to class/work on thesis, eat/sleep (Sometimes at the same time, can be dangerous to my health), do laundry, and shower to clean myself. That's about it. Sundays I spend at theatre, then home, talk to family and friends if they have time, and then go to bed at 3am-4am.
So, the more I look at the list, the more I think I'm some kinda basket-case. I don't think I'm living in a very healthy way right now, and there are a lot of things I need time to deliberate on, and I think my experience this year has been that I have limits, and that I can push them for a while, but if I do it forever, I'm going to be a big mess. And get sick. Like now. =)
Anyways, I would really like some advice. What do you think? Should I stay in Belgium? Do you think I should go back to Canada for a while? I am not sure what I am going to do with myself...I personally don't want to leave here, but I am aware that I haven't check all the legalities yet, so I'm not even sure I can without studying here. Or marrying someone European. Eh heh. Anyways, not the point. What do you think? I could really use some thoughts on this.
OK, back to work. Later!
5 comments:
Brennan - wow, another Belgian year? I actually do understand where you're coming from especially concerning the much needed break, and you're right, you DO need to travel more! Say, to ITALY circa JUNE! I look forward to hearing the loooong and tormented version of this debate over some vino on a rocky outcropping in Tuscany. And you best be drinking the vino, 'cause I saw TWO white wine glasses in that Jamie-Oliver-impersonation of mass-produced-Italian food. It looked so well organized and planned and fantabulous at the end, Ralph really did a great job;)
We'll talk SOON, eh?:)
Follow your heart! or at least your bliss. i know that sounds so cliche but if you stop and listen to it it will never stear you far astray...
I am seriously the worst person at giving advice ... but I think it's probably a good idea for you to take some time off before the PhD. I took time off between BA and MA and I think that's why I'm capable of doing it at all. I think you need to be a bit irresponsible for a bit ... do some things that you'd like to do instead of what you should do. The PhD's still going to be there when you've finished.
Brennan, as much as I appreciate all the "reasons" you want to stay in Belgium for a year, I hope you know that you don't need to give me a reason to take time to take care of yourself. You deserve all the time you need. My wish for you is that the loss of enjoyment of some of the things that are stressing you out fades away and that they seem shiny and interesting some day, all over again.
Kristin
We miss you hear but also want you to be happy. Search your heart and the legalities of your options as it's only a decision you can really make for yourself. I do think that taking a year off from school would probably do you enormous amounts of good as you haven't had a break since... well... ever! You've been going to school since you were about 4 years old, it's time to do something else. I know that can be scary but really think about what you want and do it! Love you dear, and miss you lots!
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