Happy Easter

Easter is an interesting time for Christians. It's something that's hard to explain to non-Christians, and something that can only make sense in experience more than in words themselves. For example, here, people debate the truth of the miracle of Holy Fire, which burns without causing pain for prolonged periods of time to Christians who come to witness the miracle of fire that burns without pain in Jerusalem.

For me, this Easter has been a real blessing, and has given me time to rethink my Christian identity, and to really think about what's important in my life, and what has to go and what needs to stay. Personal housecleaning is part of Lent, and Easter is the culmination of all the hard work. The feast comes after all the waiting. All the pain is worth it, in the end. It's not an ends to a means, but a circular journey in the Christian idea of the self.

The Holy Fire might not be real. In fact, science shows that such things exist as 'natural miracles', not exactly divinely inspired. While I'm sure there's something interesting here in a critique of science in reference to miracles, what I would like to stress, especially given my extremely erratic life in these last couple weeks, is that Easter miracles are in the heart for Christians, not in nature. God doesn't need to convert nature...God tries to convert hearts. (And usually succeeds, I might add. Har har.)

I often suspect most of my friends lately have been experiencing this...giving birth to our adult selves, we're still figuring out what it means to be alive, and love and be loved, and love ourselves, and to give in love, even when there's nothing good about what we have. We are good in ourselves. But we don't know how to give that without giving up ourselves. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your choices. Molding responsibility with love lets those choices have meaning.

It's probably going to be really erratic for me until I get settled in yet another path truly, but after this Easter, I feel more at peace with God and myself, something that hasn't happened in a long time. For a while now, I really didn't feel like what I did for others and myself meant very much, as the process of me giving too much and not relying on others. Sometimes I realize that I try so hard to be good and manage to end up hating myself for being what I am and who I am and for being less than what I want. Not really positive.

In the process of becoming wise, we have to give up some things, start new dreams, and we sometimes must give up old dreams along the way. The dream of Christianity is the idea of reality matching the goodness in our hearts. Easter is a mystery of the heart, and the mind. Sometimes I'm afraid of what I don't know and what is uncertain in my life. But I think that part of faith is waiting for answers that will surely surface. The flame might not hurt, but to stick your hand in the fire is still a trying experience. The fire might not even be real. But I'm still scared of it now and then.

Happy Easter everybody.