You know, if there was ever a moment I thought I felt the most safe, the most comfortable, the most loved, the most free, I think I could point to it. It was Grade 12 of my high school year, I was driving around in the first vehicle I ever owned (a veritable death trap to all those that rode with me) drinking an extra large coke slurpee and listening to my favourite songs on the radio. I was on possibly one of the biggest sugar highs of my life, driving down the part of central avenue that had just been built, just past the big blocks stores and the university. I felt like I had everything I wanted in my life, and I did. I felt free.
For the last couple years, I think it's fair to say that I felt out of place at times, and that things haven't gone the way I wanted (or expected) would be like saying, "I think that bomb we dropped on Hiroshima was pretty big." But, besides, that, life is starting to have its grooves again, and having lived in Toronto for over two years now, it feels...comfortable, and I have found areas to live in that make me feel safe and happy.
I was at an independent film shoot last night, as an extra, and it was a typical Toronto scene...I was surrounded by most of the things that annoy and frustrate me. Hipsters, the smell of weed, people being incredibly rude and 'big city,' some guy who jumped onto the film set naked because he thought it would be 'artistic' (no lie) and it made me realize....while I felt enormously uncomfortable, unsafe, and just generally bored by my surroundings....the atmosphere I hated so much was the one was that was making 35-some-odd-people feel good about themselves...comfortable. Safe.
There's not a lot I pretend to know about what I'm doing in life these days, but I have sort of found some financial stability, some living situation stability (although I'm sure I'll move in six months or less...) and some career stability, in my incredibly unstable career. Unlike a year ago, I can do some things without worrying about the cost of them. That's a huge change from a year ago. (A year ago I was living off a line of credit, no lie.)
What those thirty-five people had, the feeling of safety and comfort and 'fitting in' in something I've really strove to have for the last couple of years. I hope I am starting to take the kind of risks that move me in the direction I want my life to go, instead of letting circumstances dictate the way things should be. It's a really hard skill to learn, or relearn, since most people have this skill when they are comfortable, but lose it once things fall apart, once they must make the choice to face their fears with entirely no help but their own strength of will...even the best of us quail in the face of that trial. The ability to be patient with life and move forward without hesitation towards the goals you want is not something we easily achieve.
It's easy to reach for the stars when the ground isn't heaving like an earthquake. And for several years, the earth has been heaving beneath me, whether through my own mistakes, or my inability to have known where certain decisions would lead me. But every day I'm learning, that following my heart is what takes me back to that feeling comfortable. Feeling safe. Rightness in myself.
And I hope, (and at this point, honestly pray) that the more I right myself to those things that make me feel safe, and right, and comfortable, the more my world can be one of happiness, that I can share that happiness with others, and that maybe my safety, my 'comfortableness,' will be able to be given to others, others who need it.
Because it's just alright to feel free, easy, comfortable, and safe. But it's tragic to feel that way in a world where other people feel desperate, lonely and afraid. It's up to us, and only us, to make our world one where everyone can feel that they are good, worthwhile human beings.
And sometimes it doesn't take more than a feeling of being free.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Restraint
You know, some of the best things that have happened to me have been because I have managed to show restraint in my life. Whether it means not drinking on a night out, or eating less (because I regularly enjoy pigging out, big time.) or not getting angry when things don't go my way, I've almost always been rewarded for taking steps back, and examining what's going on in my life, and taking the course that is modest, understanding and quiet.
While it's fun to have lots of adventure, get messy, make mistakes, and just generally enjoy life, more can be accomplished with what even just a little bit of restraint most times. It's good to be passionate, but it's also good to be focused in our desires, wants and needs.
One of the things about human beings in general is that they need time to appreciate what they have, and the more we bombard our senses and try and reach for certain kinds of highs in our lives, the less time that we have to appreciate the things we have in our lives.
More than anything, having restraint means the ability to appreciate the role of time in our lives. Everything takes time....some things take more time than others. I often get caught up trying to solve things in my life instantly, and I guess that's an offshoot of me trying to be practical. Which is funny, since I don't think most of my friends would call me practical. ^_^
More than anything, all good things in life take time. A good life takes time. Part of the problem with everyone in my generation, and all people my age, is that we want so much, but we don't know how to get it within a proper timeframe that makes sense to the rest of the world, or to ourselves. We frustrate our own ends, and often. We all have a long ways to go before we'll be where we think we ought to be.
And that sort of thinking requires restraint.
While it's fun to have lots of adventure, get messy, make mistakes, and just generally enjoy life, more can be accomplished with what even just a little bit of restraint most times. It's good to be passionate, but it's also good to be focused in our desires, wants and needs.
One of the things about human beings in general is that they need time to appreciate what they have, and the more we bombard our senses and try and reach for certain kinds of highs in our lives, the less time that we have to appreciate the things we have in our lives.
More than anything, having restraint means the ability to appreciate the role of time in our lives. Everything takes time....some things take more time than others. I often get caught up trying to solve things in my life instantly, and I guess that's an offshoot of me trying to be practical. Which is funny, since I don't think most of my friends would call me practical. ^_^
More than anything, all good things in life take time. A good life takes time. Part of the problem with everyone in my generation, and all people my age, is that we want so much, but we don't know how to get it within a proper timeframe that makes sense to the rest of the world, or to ourselves. We frustrate our own ends, and often. We all have a long ways to go before we'll be where we think we ought to be.
And that sort of thinking requires restraint.
VOW: Optimism campaign by Maxwell Coffee
I saw this video on tv, and I just had to share it...Maxwell is doing an amazing campaign that is such good social media, and really just neat to watch.
The text says, roughly: "Instead of watching a pot of coffee of Maxwell House, Why not pause for a moment of optimism?" With Shale, a 9 year old dancer. So postive. I don't know how you feel, but I love this little dancer.
Optimism, it's contagious.
(What a great idea!)
Monday, July 04, 2011
TOW: Pride in TO
I learned a lot this weekend.
While I have never had the desire to go to the pride parade, or any pride parade, really, I had a intersection of friends, events and need to get out and enjoy the weather that led me to watch at least part of the parade, and just sort of walk around and experience everything. I took a lot of photos (and a lot of things I'm glad I didn't take photos of--naked Elvis being one of them.) and I'd share them all here, but I'm a bit too lazy and it's late at night, yadda yadda, I'd rather just type out my thoughts.
I think the biggest thing I learned this weekend was that you should always stick to your guns if you know you're right, even if it means you don't get to win or if you feel like you should show mercy. In life, business, relationships, etc. I have always been a 'nice guy' about things. And, I like to think that I'm still a nice guy about things, but that I've gotten much better (or perhaps recovered for my adult self) the ability to say no to people's tomfoolery. I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm not going to sacrifice my values over something really stupid that someone else did or wants to do.
That being said, everyone needs the space to make their own mistakes.
The other thing I learned, or perhaps remembered, is that there's a lot to be said for living freely, loving who you are, and not letting life's little moments stop you from expressing yourself. Pride events, in Toronto, and around the world, are about more than just penises in fuzzy suits. (One of the many pictures I'm not putting on here...) A lot of families and people from every walk of life come to pride events, including me, because it's usually a really life-affirming sort of event. Everyone is there to dance, socialize, walk around, and just generally have a good time without causing other people any problems. Lots of people were just walking around giving high fives. It's a good atmosphere feeling. It's good to be who you are. You should love yourself. That doesn't mean you should like everything that is going on in your life, but you should stop looking at every small thing as if it isn't important. Savoring every moment really does matter, and it does make life better. Life is worth living, as long as you are willing to accept that the life you have is the one you want.
Everyone wants to feel accepted...not everyone gets to be. It's probably our biggest hurdle and responsibility to accept ourselves, and to be true to ourselves first.
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