You know, if there was ever a moment I thought I felt the most safe, the most comfortable, the most loved, the most free, I think I could point to it. It was Grade 12 of my high school year, I was driving around in the first vehicle I ever owned (a veritable death trap to all those that rode with me) drinking an extra large coke slurpee and listening to my favourite songs on the radio. I was on possibly one of the biggest sugar highs of my life, driving down the part of central avenue that had just been built, just past the big blocks stores and the university. I felt like I had everything I wanted in my life, and I did. I felt free.
For the last couple years, I think it's fair to say that I felt out of place at times, and that things haven't gone the way I wanted (or expected) would be like saying, "I think that bomb we dropped on Hiroshima was pretty big." But, besides, that, life is starting to have its grooves again, and having lived in Toronto for over two years now, it feels...comfortable, and I have found areas to live in that make me feel safe and happy.
I was at an independent film shoot last night, as an extra, and it was a typical Toronto scene...I was surrounded by most of the things that annoy and frustrate me. Hipsters, the smell of weed, people being incredibly rude and 'big city,' some guy who jumped onto the film set naked because he thought it would be 'artistic' (no lie) and it made me realize....while I felt enormously uncomfortable, unsafe, and just generally bored by my surroundings....the atmosphere I hated so much was the one was that was making 35-some-odd-people feel good about themselves...comfortable. Safe.
There's not a lot I pretend to know about what I'm doing in life these days, but I have sort of found some financial stability, some living situation stability (although I'm sure I'll move in six months or less...) and some career stability, in my incredibly unstable career. Unlike a year ago, I can do some things without worrying about the cost of them. That's a huge change from a year ago. (A year ago I was living off a line of credit, no lie.)
What those thirty-five people had, the feeling of safety and comfort and 'fitting in' in something I've really strove to have for the last couple of years. I hope I am starting to take the kind of risks that move me in the direction I want my life to go, instead of letting circumstances dictate the way things should be. It's a really hard skill to learn, or relearn, since most people have this skill when they are comfortable, but lose it once things fall apart, once they must make the choice to face their fears with entirely no help but their own strength of will...even the best of us quail in the face of that trial. The ability to be patient with life and move forward without hesitation towards the goals you want is not something we easily achieve.
It's easy to reach for the stars when the ground isn't heaving like an earthquake. And for several years, the earth has been heaving beneath me, whether through my own mistakes, or my inability to have known where certain decisions would lead me. But every day I'm learning, that following my heart is what takes me back to that feeling comfortable. Feeling safe. Rightness in myself.
And I hope, (and at this point, honestly pray) that the more I right myself to those things that make me feel safe, and right, and comfortable, the more my world can be one of happiness, that I can share that happiness with others, and that maybe my safety, my 'comfortableness,' will be able to be given to others, others who need it.
Because it's just alright to feel free, easy, comfortable, and safe. But it's tragic to feel that way in a world where other people feel desperate, lonely and afraid. It's up to us, and only us, to make our world one where everyone can feel that they are good, worthwhile human beings.
And sometimes it doesn't take more than a feeling of being free.
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