Saturday, December 29, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
TOW: Blessings
I attended a very good mass this evening, and for once, I was not only very attentive, but also very connected. The priest was speaking on a subject I myself am currently wrestling with, which is what can be considered a blessing in one's life?
The wonderful, and also the most challenging thing about being a Christian is the fact that even the saddest of trials are meant to be blessings in our lives. We often call Mary, the mother of Jesus, the Blessed Mother of the Church. We considered her to be the most blessed human being, other than Jesus.
But what made her so blessed? Pregnant before marriage in a time when it was punishable by death, the cause of hundreds of infant deaths because some crazy king believed he would be overthrown by a baby born under the star of Bethlehem, exiled to another country as a refugee, she followed her son around, and watched him get punished and crucified by her own people and leaders within her community.
As the priest mentioned, "Do you think Mary felt blessed then?"
The wonderful thing about being a Christian, and about the birth of Jesus, the Annunciation, and Easter, is the Christian response to evil in the world. It's also the stumbling block for all non-Christians. It's because Christians believe that God allows certain evil things, things we don't understand, to happen. Why do people have to die? Why does evil exist?
The question I struggle with regularly is the problem of evil...but I feel relatively at ease with where I am with my own answer. Blessings still abound amongst a world filled with things that are 'not right.'
I think that blessings for a Christian means a perspective. I cannot explain the presence of God in any other way other than to say that all those things...those small things which can seemingly ruin our lives, small things that turn into large things that makes us obsessed, full of neuroses, damaged...these things are nothing to a blessed person. Because someone blessed does not ignore the importance of evil in the world...but it is so much less. The experience of God, the experience of the reality of good is so strong, that acknowledgement of evil does not affect the trajectory of goodness. Goodness is always pointed straight at it's target.
So, this season, I will not be looking to 'count' my blessings. I am aiming for something better than that.
Monday, December 10, 2012
TOW: Productivity
This isn't a long thought, but sometimes productivity can get in the way of things that really matter in your life.
As we come closer to the Christmas season (and especially, as a Catholic, during Advent) it's a time of reflection on the goodness of life, and the joy that is possible.
I know that lately, in my life, I take getting things done as a sign of success, versus the ability to reflect on things, which I think is it's own kind of success.
Action, and reflection are two important things that make us human, and thoughtful. One without the other is often meaningless.
Sometimes too much of one leads to not enough of the other.
One of the reasons I love winter is because it forces us to really curl up in whatever place we call home, and spend quality time with ourselves, our family, and those we love.
Productivity is action, but action in the sense of doing those things you love. Reflection is about thinking on those things worth loving, and thinking of how to pursue them in an intelligent and strategic manner.
Life has meaning when we are productive. But productivity isn't always about results....sometimes it's about the ability to know what those results mean.
As we come closer to the Christmas season (and especially, as a Catholic, during Advent) it's a time of reflection on the goodness of life, and the joy that is possible.
I know that lately, in my life, I take getting things done as a sign of success, versus the ability to reflect on things, which I think is it's own kind of success.
Action, and reflection are two important things that make us human, and thoughtful. One without the other is often meaningless.
Sometimes too much of one leads to not enough of the other.
One of the reasons I love winter is because it forces us to really curl up in whatever place we call home, and spend quality time with ourselves, our family, and those we love.
Productivity is action, but action in the sense of doing those things you love. Reflection is about thinking on those things worth loving, and thinking of how to pursue them in an intelligent and strategic manner.
Life has meaning when we are productive. But productivity isn't always about results....sometimes it's about the ability to know what those results mean.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
TOW: I had the time of my life
I spoke with my good friend Liz about a man I met in a bar last night. He was 38, single, and he was dressed in the same kind of clothes I was wearing. We chatted outside for a while, and the conversation, while pleasant, revealed one thing to me.
This man was not happy with the phase of his life.
Perhaps he hadn't yet discovered how to be a man in his late 30s. Without trying to be rude, I do think the man sincerely wished he was still in his 20s. I can see myself feeling that way when I am his age. Maybe.
But I don't think I will be.
Over the last few years, I have had a bad habit of going to bars, having quite a bit to drink, making out with strangers, getting random phone numbers, etc.
It was fun. I was going through a couple of rough things in my life and quite frankly, I needed some form of release. Cue on booze-loving friend and a whole lot of drama later, and you have a good summary of my life in Toronto. It was hard. There were a lot of very hard things. I did what some people do when things are very hard. You try to forget who you are, at least for a little while, and try to live a life of adventure that doesn't make you worry about who you are versus who you should be.
It's a bad way to live your life, though it is a very good way to get over things you never want to have in your life ever again. And I think I'm in that place...now. After 3-4 years. It was a time in my life, and that time is now passing. I do believe another time in my life is coming on. And I'm happy to move towards it.
I believe every time in our lives has an expiry date. We can only be a certain way for so long. If we take too long, our peers leave us behind. Which can be ok, sometimes. But most of the time, people who are out of sync with themselves make us uncomfortable.
I am now much more interested in living the kind of life that advances meaning, learning, and prestige in my life. For a while I needed adventure. Now I need a certain amount of stability to couple with my spirit of adventure.
And I am searching for those things that will make my life stable and yet still interesting. It's a struggle, but changing life phases is part of what life is all about.
And also, in a way, part of who I am. I'm someone always changing. And I kind of like that about myself.
This man was not happy with the phase of his life.
Perhaps he hadn't yet discovered how to be a man in his late 30s. Without trying to be rude, I do think the man sincerely wished he was still in his 20s. I can see myself feeling that way when I am his age. Maybe.
But I don't think I will be.
Over the last few years, I have had a bad habit of going to bars, having quite a bit to drink, making out with strangers, getting random phone numbers, etc.
It was fun. I was going through a couple of rough things in my life and quite frankly, I needed some form of release. Cue on booze-loving friend and a whole lot of drama later, and you have a good summary of my life in Toronto. It was hard. There were a lot of very hard things. I did what some people do when things are very hard. You try to forget who you are, at least for a little while, and try to live a life of adventure that doesn't make you worry about who you are versus who you should be.
It's a bad way to live your life, though it is a very good way to get over things you never want to have in your life ever again. And I think I'm in that place...now. After 3-4 years. It was a time in my life, and that time is now passing. I do believe another time in my life is coming on. And I'm happy to move towards it.
I believe every time in our lives has an expiry date. We can only be a certain way for so long. If we take too long, our peers leave us behind. Which can be ok, sometimes. But most of the time, people who are out of sync with themselves make us uncomfortable.
I am now much more interested in living the kind of life that advances meaning, learning, and prestige in my life. For a while I needed adventure. Now I need a certain amount of stability to couple with my spirit of adventure.
And I am searching for those things that will make my life stable and yet still interesting. It's a struggle, but changing life phases is part of what life is all about.
And also, in a way, part of who I am. I'm someone always changing. And I kind of like that about myself.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
TOW: Organizational skills
It's been a really crazy week, and I lost a lot of sleep. Part of that sleep loss was definitely because I wasn't as organized as I would have liked to be.
I can blame it on the french class that started this week, I can blame it on the president being in three days this week, I can blame it on a lot of things, but really, it just comes down to organization.
What matters, what's a priority?
The problem with prioritizing tasks is you are rarely in control of the entire process. At work, you may want to do certain tasks in a certain order, but sometimes it's your manager or the director that reorganizes your task list for you. And sometimes that can be really upsetting, and make it difficult to 'get back on track.' (I now laugh a sad little laugh when I think of the phrase 'must be able to work in a fast-paced environment.) Worse, when one priority changes, often it affects and entire chain of workloads. Suddenly, you have a completely new schedule. And you have to reorganize things, once again.
Though my friends often give me that narrow-eyed look when I talk about being organized, I secretly am. I have lists upon lists that I use to organize my life. To do lists, check boxes, that I constantly revise to update what I am doing and where I am going.
The problem is not being organized. The problem is prioritization of tasks, and knowing how long a task will take. I find that I often fail to take into account how long a task will take, even though I make a plan for it. (This, my friends and family would certainly agree with....if they've ever watched me make a meal.)
I think I am trying to get my life back on a schedule that isn't simply events with friends...and |I'm starting to do more 'time-blocks' of activities, such as my French class, blocking off time to work on my game, and volunteering. |I have a couple ideas for volunteering I'd really like to fulfill actually. I just hope I can find the time come the new year.
But like all things in life, I seem to want things to happen now, and, in a bull-headed manner, charge straight towards a goal. Once I plan something initially, sometimes I swear I think force of will propels me to success. And sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't. And that's where the phrase 'smarter, not harder' certainly applies.
And I'm certainly trying to do things smarter. I just hope I eventually get there. >_>
I can blame it on the french class that started this week, I can blame it on the president being in three days this week, I can blame it on a lot of things, but really, it just comes down to organization.
What matters, what's a priority?
The problem with prioritizing tasks is you are rarely in control of the entire process. At work, you may want to do certain tasks in a certain order, but sometimes it's your manager or the director that reorganizes your task list for you. And sometimes that can be really upsetting, and make it difficult to 'get back on track.' (I now laugh a sad little laugh when I think of the phrase 'must be able to work in a fast-paced environment.) Worse, when one priority changes, often it affects and entire chain of workloads. Suddenly, you have a completely new schedule. And you have to reorganize things, once again.
Though my friends often give me that narrow-eyed look when I talk about being organized, I secretly am. I have lists upon lists that I use to organize my life. To do lists, check boxes, that I constantly revise to update what I am doing and where I am going.
The problem is not being organized. The problem is prioritization of tasks, and knowing how long a task will take. I find that I often fail to take into account how long a task will take, even though I make a plan for it. (This, my friends and family would certainly agree with....if they've ever watched me make a meal.)
I think I am trying to get my life back on a schedule that isn't simply events with friends...and |I'm starting to do more 'time-blocks' of activities, such as my French class, blocking off time to work on my game, and volunteering. |I have a couple ideas for volunteering I'd really like to fulfill actually. I just hope I can find the time come the new year.
But like all things in life, I seem to want things to happen now, and, in a bull-headed manner, charge straight towards a goal. Once I plan something initially, sometimes I swear I think force of will propels me to success. And sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't. And that's where the phrase 'smarter, not harder' certainly applies.
And I'm certainly trying to do things smarter. I just hope I eventually get there. >_>
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
TOW: Expectations
I think we all get caught up in expectations.
Whether we expect a raise, a promotion, a proposal, a fated meeting, or even an exam result.
And we don't assume something...we all just hope for the best, and sometimes that hope turns into an image in our mind....a thing that you wish could be realized.
What I have been thinking about recently is about what I expect of others, and what others expect of me.
I think others expect a lot of me....and I think I regularly fail them in their expectations.
Sometimes I wish I was better than I am.
Other times I wish other people were better than they were.
But most of all, I wish people understood each other better.
Whether we expect a raise, a promotion, a proposal, a fated meeting, or even an exam result.
And we don't assume something...we all just hope for the best, and sometimes that hope turns into an image in our mind....a thing that you wish could be realized.
What I have been thinking about recently is about what I expect of others, and what others expect of me.
I think others expect a lot of me....and I think I regularly fail them in their expectations.
Sometimes I wish I was better than I am.
Other times I wish other people were better than they were.
But most of all, I wish people understood each other better.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
TOW: Faith
Faith.
I have been thinking a lot about the idea of faith as a concept. It's not something that people talk about much these days. You don't often hear the term 'have faith in me' or ' I will always be faithful.' Faith in people, ideas, or concepts is lost on this generation, and perhaps on this particular era's agnostic milieu. Faith is a dying concept for people of my generation. And it continues to bear less importance in daily Western culture as reason, and science, continue to showcase interesting things to consumers of culture. But what does faith mean in a moral sense?
To me, faith is an important aspect of moral life. No good can be done without faith. Good actions can only happen when we do more than assume, when we see something so clearly in our hearts that we wish to make real, that we bring forth an idea, a feeling, a desire into action. Faith can show the strength of our resolve. Love is weak-will when one does not have faith. Hope is meaningless if there is no strength of action that can see hope through a dark storm. In many ways, faith is an intention as much as a belief: a belief, or perhaps even a desire for the good to be done in the world as it should be. And to believe in things that cannot be seen, except by our hearts and minds.
In a religious sense, faith, hope, and love form the start of all Christian beliefs. Nothing can be done without these three standing together.
And one of the problems of modernity is being too hung up in deliverables, practicals, and small details. Faith was something that built cathedrals of old, inspired art that went on for hundreds, or thousands of years. Faith moved mountains. And those who had faith were much richer for it.
Today, I think about the value and role of faith in my own life. It is interesting to see how faith has become less important as I become older, and the need to 'validate' becoming ever more important. I hpe one day I can return to those eyes I had, that gave me all I needed to succeed, by believing what I was doing was going to create good in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Because faith, like St. Augustine says, 'is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.'
I want, one day, to be able to say I did that.
I have been thinking a lot about the idea of faith as a concept. It's not something that people talk about much these days. You don't often hear the term 'have faith in me' or ' I will always be faithful.' Faith in people, ideas, or concepts is lost on this generation, and perhaps on this particular era's agnostic milieu. Faith is a dying concept for people of my generation. And it continues to bear less importance in daily Western culture as reason, and science, continue to showcase interesting things to consumers of culture. But what does faith mean in a moral sense?
To me, faith is an important aspect of moral life. No good can be done without faith. Good actions can only happen when we do more than assume, when we see something so clearly in our hearts that we wish to make real, that we bring forth an idea, a feeling, a desire into action. Faith can show the strength of our resolve. Love is weak-will when one does not have faith. Hope is meaningless if there is no strength of action that can see hope through a dark storm. In many ways, faith is an intention as much as a belief: a belief, or perhaps even a desire for the good to be done in the world as it should be. And to believe in things that cannot be seen, except by our hearts and minds.
In a religious sense, faith, hope, and love form the start of all Christian beliefs. Nothing can be done without these three standing together.
And one of the problems of modernity is being too hung up in deliverables, practicals, and small details. Faith was something that built cathedrals of old, inspired art that went on for hundreds, or thousands of years. Faith moved mountains. And those who had faith were much richer for it.
Today, I think about the value and role of faith in my own life. It is interesting to see how faith has become less important as I become older, and the need to 'validate' becoming ever more important. I hpe one day I can return to those eyes I had, that gave me all I needed to succeed, by believing what I was doing was going to create good in my life, and in the lives of those around me. Because faith, like St. Augustine says, 'is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.'
I want, one day, to be able to say I did that.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
What's the Meaning of Life?
A lot of people, famous, interesting people, have tried to answer this question.But to me, this question doesn't have value. In fact, it rather seems silly that we think philosophers of any kind sit on rocks, contemplating existence, and saying the benign phrase, "What is the meaning of life?"
What is the meaning of life is like saying, "What is the meaning of chairs? What is the meaning of spiders? What is the meaning of ukelele bandits?" In each case, clarification is required. The question itself doesn't mean anything without clarification.
A better question might be, "What is the meaning of my life? What gives my life meaning?"
Because, as you know, we do not exist as 'everything' that's alive, but we do exist as ourselves. And we can talk about what it means to be alive, as us.
So a good question, and one that I have been thinking about for a very long time, is, "What gives my life meaning?"
And I have thought about many people: friends, family, allies, enemies, peers, strangers--many people, who, day-to-day, make my life interesting and meaningful. I think of the tasks, the chores, the objects (often that remind me of people or feelings) that give my life meaning. The things I enjoy, the things I don't enjoy, etc.
And these are all things that give my life meaning. But this isn't the most important thing to me.
The most important thing in my life comes with another question: "What my purpose in life?". What can I do in the world that will give my life sustainable, ultimate meaning outside of those things that I label pleasurable, unpleasurable, good/bad? Who am I, what do I stand for, and what does that mean in terms of where my life is leading me?
I have thoughts about this, almost daily, and sometimes I wonder about this desire or that desire, but more than anything, I ask myself, "Where can I do good in the world, right now? Where can I find goodness so that I feel I have a purpose in my life?"
Sometimes my purposefullness is simply about being a good friend, listening to someone in need, or doing my job well. Sometimes it's about prayer, about writing, sometimes it's about being my own master of my own domain, life, etc. Sometimes it's about questioning myself and the world around me. Most days I feel like I'm a lot of people in one body. I love to do a lot of different things, and those different things lead me in many different directions.
Maybe we will never be able to completely nail down the meaning in our own lives, especially in this internet age, of information that goes so fast that it cannot be digested before it is already old news. But we can still solidify themes, ideas, moments in our lives that perhaps are driving us towards our purpose, whatever that might be.
What is the meaning of life is like saying, "What is the meaning of chairs? What is the meaning of spiders? What is the meaning of ukelele bandits?" In each case, clarification is required. The question itself doesn't mean anything without clarification.
A better question might be, "What is the meaning of my life? What gives my life meaning?"
Because, as you know, we do not exist as 'everything' that's alive, but we do exist as ourselves. And we can talk about what it means to be alive, as us.
So a good question, and one that I have been thinking about for a very long time, is, "What gives my life meaning?"
And I have thought about many people: friends, family, allies, enemies, peers, strangers--many people, who, day-to-day, make my life interesting and meaningful. I think of the tasks, the chores, the objects (often that remind me of people or feelings) that give my life meaning. The things I enjoy, the things I don't enjoy, etc.
And these are all things that give my life meaning. But this isn't the most important thing to me.
The most important thing in my life comes with another question: "What my purpose in life?". What can I do in the world that will give my life sustainable, ultimate meaning outside of those things that I label pleasurable, unpleasurable, good/bad? Who am I, what do I stand for, and what does that mean in terms of where my life is leading me?
I have thoughts about this, almost daily, and sometimes I wonder about this desire or that desire, but more than anything, I ask myself, "Where can I do good in the world, right now? Where can I find goodness so that I feel I have a purpose in my life?"
Sometimes my purposefullness is simply about being a good friend, listening to someone in need, or doing my job well. Sometimes it's about prayer, about writing, sometimes it's about being my own master of my own domain, life, etc. Sometimes it's about questioning myself and the world around me. Most days I feel like I'm a lot of people in one body. I love to do a lot of different things, and those different things lead me in many different directions.
Maybe we will never be able to completely nail down the meaning in our own lives, especially in this internet age, of information that goes so fast that it cannot be digested before it is already old news. But we can still solidify themes, ideas, moments in our lives that perhaps are driving us towards our purpose, whatever that might be.
Monday, October 08, 2012
TOW: Thanksgiving
Every year around thanksgiving, I tend to do a post about what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for several things this year:
I'm thankful for several things this year:
- Great friends, and deepening relationships within my family
- A good work life, which, while it has its challenges, is still worthwhile and giving me the kind of experience I want and need
- My health. I feel very, very lucky in this regard
- My mental health. I feel just as lucky.
- Challenges. I feel like life has been giving me a lot of challenges lately, but not the kind I can't overcome...the kind that make me a stronger and better person. They're the good kind.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
TOW: Feeling Helpless
I've very sorry I haven't blogged since I-don't-know-when. Between my move and work, life has been very busy. And I thought it would be good to share here my feelings over my new apartment.
I loved my apartment the first week I had it. It was quiet here, the people seemed to keep to themselves, and I was looking forward to living in a nice, new, safe area. I had made myself a new home, and it was a liberating feeling.
Then I discovered my apartment was infested with bedbugs. And, my life is officially over for the next year and a half.
For those of you who aren't aware, bedbugs are a small, non-flying bug that feed on you in the middle of the night, much like a mosquito. The only difference is that mosquitos are noticeable and have a fairly short life cycle. Bedbugs, on the other hand, can live for years and breed at a rate of up to five bugs per day, and are resilent and nearly impossible to kill unless you see an adult bug, and you kill it, right then and there. Even better, they hide in your mattress, destroying it as they infest it, since they will defecate right after they eat, then breed in the same spot. In a word, they are vile. Vile beyond words and images. Very few creatures, even in the kingdom of bugs, crap where they eat.
I discovered them 10 days after moving in. A day after my birthday.
I have thrown out half of my belongings, everything else is in garbage bags, quarantined. I am sitting here, in my only ikea chair, which I have sprayed with chemical before, and I have just found out today that bedbugs are living inside of the cushion of my chair. I now know why I would see them crawling across my pant leg as I worked on my computer.
They were definitely here before I moved. because my previous landlord has had no complaints about bed bugs in my previous apartment. I have never had them. The new landlord has been very...threatening. He will not pay for pest control. It's been a rough couple weeks.
I'm going to be out several thousand dollars by time this process is finished, with or without a lawsuit, and I haven't slept more than 3-4 hours a night in a week, without waking up, turning on the lights, and searching for bugs. I can't go anywhere without ironing the inside and outside of my clothes to the point of nearly burning them for fear of them leaving the apartment with me. I have no idea what I'm going to do if another tenant blames me for them, even though, it is not my fault, and I handle everything I do with the utmost care within my unit.
And this week, I want to think and write about how helpless I feel. Not quite at a breaking point, but helpless. I'm sluggish, indecisive, and more emotional than I'd care to admit. Going to bed is a coaching process. Pretending everything is alright so I don't have panic attacks is also a process.
Being in this situation has started to remind me of one of the books that has most impressed me, The Plague by Albert Camus. In it, Camus writes about a community that is quarantined and the medical workers, priests, and mafia that exist in the hellish space of dead bodies, searching for a cure, all while the people die and no one is allowed to leave. Anyone who attempts is shot by the outsiders, who are keeping the town quarantined.
The defining moment in the novel for me was as Dr. Rieux, the protagonist, attempts to treat a young boy, Jacques Othon with a serum he is developing. The child is in his death throes, and the scream he lets out as he dies is so horrific that it affects both Rieux and his colleagues. The serum is ineffective for the youngest, the most vulnerable, perhaps the one most in need. The scream, the feeling of pain, the moment of death, all wrapped together in a sad moment of sickness.
My apartment is like a sick person. Everything that it touches becomes sick with this problem. Everything that enters this apartment slowly goes from 'clean' to 'infected.' Much like the plague, I am isolated and contained, and I have not yet developed a cure, if there even is one available. Some of the characters involved are innocent bystanders, wondering what could happen. At times, I regard people around me in the apartment building with both suspicion, fear and paranoia. Some observers of this issue tell me I have nothing to fear, while others within are completely oblivious to the dangers present.
Such is my situation, a plague of my very own to contend with. I am my very own narrator in an absurd encased world with very little hope of making rational sense of why this happened to me, or where this problem could have arisen.
The one beautiful thing, if still absurd at the end of The Plague, is that it ends. The plague ends, partially due to careful medical care by professionals, and partially due to the absurdity of life, in that eventually diseases go away, even epidemics.
So, too, do I consider my situation to be one like The Plague. It is a situation that promises to be a true trial, no matter what path I take. Nothing good can come of this situation. The only good thing that might arise it things returning to the way they were, or could have been, before I had this problem.
The other scenario is that they follow me wherever I go, much like the plague. For I too, am now part of a general infection that no one wishes to speak or think about. I too, am something to be cleaned, cured, and fixed.
And such a feeling can only leave one feeling helpless.
I loved my apartment the first week I had it. It was quiet here, the people seemed to keep to themselves, and I was looking forward to living in a nice, new, safe area. I had made myself a new home, and it was a liberating feeling.
Then I discovered my apartment was infested with bedbugs. And, my life is officially over for the next year and a half.
For those of you who aren't aware, bedbugs are a small, non-flying bug that feed on you in the middle of the night, much like a mosquito. The only difference is that mosquitos are noticeable and have a fairly short life cycle. Bedbugs, on the other hand, can live for years and breed at a rate of up to five bugs per day, and are resilent and nearly impossible to kill unless you see an adult bug, and you kill it, right then and there. Even better, they hide in your mattress, destroying it as they infest it, since they will defecate right after they eat, then breed in the same spot. In a word, they are vile. Vile beyond words and images. Very few creatures, even in the kingdom of bugs, crap where they eat.
I discovered them 10 days after moving in. A day after my birthday.
I have thrown out half of my belongings, everything else is in garbage bags, quarantined. I am sitting here, in my only ikea chair, which I have sprayed with chemical before, and I have just found out today that bedbugs are living inside of the cushion of my chair. I now know why I would see them crawling across my pant leg as I worked on my computer.
They were definitely here before I moved. because my previous landlord has had no complaints about bed bugs in my previous apartment. I have never had them. The new landlord has been very...threatening. He will not pay for pest control. It's been a rough couple weeks.
I'm going to be out several thousand dollars by time this process is finished, with or without a lawsuit, and I haven't slept more than 3-4 hours a night in a week, without waking up, turning on the lights, and searching for bugs. I can't go anywhere without ironing the inside and outside of my clothes to the point of nearly burning them for fear of them leaving the apartment with me. I have no idea what I'm going to do if another tenant blames me for them, even though, it is not my fault, and I handle everything I do with the utmost care within my unit.
And this week, I want to think and write about how helpless I feel. Not quite at a breaking point, but helpless. I'm sluggish, indecisive, and more emotional than I'd care to admit. Going to bed is a coaching process. Pretending everything is alright so I don't have panic attacks is also a process.
Being in this situation has started to remind me of one of the books that has most impressed me, The Plague by Albert Camus. In it, Camus writes about a community that is quarantined and the medical workers, priests, and mafia that exist in the hellish space of dead bodies, searching for a cure, all while the people die and no one is allowed to leave. Anyone who attempts is shot by the outsiders, who are keeping the town quarantined.
The defining moment in the novel for me was as Dr. Rieux, the protagonist, attempts to treat a young boy, Jacques Othon with a serum he is developing. The child is in his death throes, and the scream he lets out as he dies is so horrific that it affects both Rieux and his colleagues. The serum is ineffective for the youngest, the most vulnerable, perhaps the one most in need. The scream, the feeling of pain, the moment of death, all wrapped together in a sad moment of sickness.
My apartment is like a sick person. Everything that it touches becomes sick with this problem. Everything that enters this apartment slowly goes from 'clean' to 'infected.' Much like the plague, I am isolated and contained, and I have not yet developed a cure, if there even is one available. Some of the characters involved are innocent bystanders, wondering what could happen. At times, I regard people around me in the apartment building with both suspicion, fear and paranoia. Some observers of this issue tell me I have nothing to fear, while others within are completely oblivious to the dangers present.
Such is my situation, a plague of my very own to contend with. I am my very own narrator in an absurd encased world with very little hope of making rational sense of why this happened to me, or where this problem could have arisen.
The one beautiful thing, if still absurd at the end of The Plague, is that it ends. The plague ends, partially due to careful medical care by professionals, and partially due to the absurdity of life, in that eventually diseases go away, even epidemics.
So, too, do I consider my situation to be one like The Plague. It is a situation that promises to be a true trial, no matter what path I take. Nothing good can come of this situation. The only good thing that might arise it things returning to the way they were, or could have been, before I had this problem.
The other scenario is that they follow me wherever I go, much like the plague. For I too, am now part of a general infection that no one wishes to speak or think about. I too, am something to be cleaned, cured, and fixed.
And such a feeling can only leave one feeling helpless.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
TOW: Getting Older
So it was my birthday last Sunday.
And like most birthdays, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Starting with the worst of things: One of my best friends got embarrassingly drunk at my party and left in the middle of it (while alienating all my other friends), I was both hungover and puking from food poisoning on my actual birthday, and I discovered bed bugs in my new apartment the day after my birthday.
The best things: I had 14 people come out to my birthday. And they all wanted to be there and they were all really happy to see me. I can tell you how much that meant to me. When I first arrived in Toronto for the first two years, I had the same people come out to my birthday, every time. And every time, it felt a bit sad because I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough to make new friends. Now I know lots of people that I can trust and that I care about deeply in this city. (Even if I don't care deeply for this city.)
I got tons of phone calls and texts. So many that I couldn't answer them all on my birthday, and so many happy birthday wishes on Facebook it just made me feel really, really great.
I got to sleep all day on my birthday. It felt amazing. (Although I was sick as a dog, I still loved it)
A random friend showed up on my birthday to crash at my new place and he brought me food and drink and we had a little picnic in my furniture-less abode.
Overall, it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. It had a little bit of everything: Friend drama, feeling close and loved, a party for many, a party for two, a day of rest, a day of sickness good things, bad things, birthday presents, birthday cake...it was all good.
And all this time I'm getting older, I can only think of one thing: I like being older. I like most of the things that being older brings. I will always miss certain things from my youth, but I think we all miss things we don't have anymore...but generally speaking I'm really happy with the way my life is, and somewhat happy with the direction it's going.
And I think the key to happiness for me these days is to enjoy the getting older bit, and to treasure the moments as they pass, and I feel like I've been doing a really great job of that lately.
Now if only I could get rid of those bedbugs.
And like most birthdays, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Starting with the worst of things: One of my best friends got embarrassingly drunk at my party and left in the middle of it (while alienating all my other friends), I was both hungover and puking from food poisoning on my actual birthday, and I discovered bed bugs in my new apartment the day after my birthday.
The best things: I had 14 people come out to my birthday. And they all wanted to be there and they were all really happy to see me. I can tell you how much that meant to me. When I first arrived in Toronto for the first two years, I had the same people come out to my birthday, every time. And every time, it felt a bit sad because I felt like I wasn't trying hard enough to make new friends. Now I know lots of people that I can trust and that I care about deeply in this city. (Even if I don't care deeply for this city.)
I got tons of phone calls and texts. So many that I couldn't answer them all on my birthday, and so many happy birthday wishes on Facebook it just made me feel really, really great.
I got to sleep all day on my birthday. It felt amazing. (Although I was sick as a dog, I still loved it)
A random friend showed up on my birthday to crash at my new place and he brought me food and drink and we had a little picnic in my furniture-less abode.
Overall, it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. It had a little bit of everything: Friend drama, feeling close and loved, a party for many, a party for two, a day of rest, a day of sickness good things, bad things, birthday presents, birthday cake...it was all good.
And all this time I'm getting older, I can only think of one thing: I like being older. I like most of the things that being older brings. I will always miss certain things from my youth, but I think we all miss things we don't have anymore...but generally speaking I'm really happy with the way my life is, and somewhat happy with the direction it's going.
And I think the key to happiness for me these days is to enjoy the getting older bit, and to treasure the moments as they pass, and I feel like I've been doing a really great job of that lately.
Now if only I could get rid of those bedbugs.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
TOW: Let the Universe Give You a Hug
It's often said in 'The Secret' that the law of attraction will get you far in life, and positive thinking attracts positive things your way. But there's something missing from this equation. I like to call it "Let the Universe Give You a Hug."
This principle is very simple. Whenever something bad, untoward, or unlucky happens, immediately stop, and think about how much you wish someone would tell you everything is going to be alright. Then tell yourself, instead of everything is going to be alright, that you deserve a big hug, and that even though it's not perfect life you have, the universe loves you anyways.
The reason this is so important is because positive thinking doesn't work well when something bad happens to us. Humans are cautious by nature, and feel like they can expect bad things over time. During a 'bad time' or 'a stroke of bad luck' we still need a way to weather stormy times. Because positive thinking doesn't always bring good things our way. Sometimes it brings bad things our way.
From the thinking side of things, it's important we think about why things happen to us so we can move on with our lives. Otherwise, we repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. And that's bad.
From the practical side of things, I find the desire to get a giant hug from something bigger and paternal key to making this make me feel infinitely better. Because I think love is what you need to be happy in life, and how we should measure ourselves is not when things are great, but when things are difficult. We all need a little love from something bigger than us when things are hard.
So let the universe give you a hug. It's feel really nice.
This principle is very simple. Whenever something bad, untoward, or unlucky happens, immediately stop, and think about how much you wish someone would tell you everything is going to be alright. Then tell yourself, instead of everything is going to be alright, that you deserve a big hug, and that even though it's not perfect life you have, the universe loves you anyways.
The reason this is so important is because positive thinking doesn't work well when something bad happens to us. Humans are cautious by nature, and feel like they can expect bad things over time. During a 'bad time' or 'a stroke of bad luck' we still need a way to weather stormy times. Because positive thinking doesn't always bring good things our way. Sometimes it brings bad things our way.
From the thinking side of things, it's important we think about why things happen to us so we can move on with our lives. Otherwise, we repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. And that's bad.
From the practical side of things, I find the desire to get a giant hug from something bigger and paternal key to making this make me feel infinitely better. Because I think love is what you need to be happy in life, and how we should measure ourselves is not when things are great, but when things are difficult. We all need a little love from something bigger than us when things are hard.
So let the universe give you a hug. It's feel really nice.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
TOW: Adult Fears
"Ostensibly healthy
life is interspersed with a great number of trivial and in practice
unimportant symptoms [...] neurosis is the inability to tolerate ambiguity." -Sigmund Freud
It's funny how the things that you disliked as a child or teenager become things you hate and fear the older you get.
For example, I used to dislike bugs when I was a child, or messes, when I was younger. Now that I'm older, I find that even seeing a messy kitchen or a messy room can stress me out, and bugs in general I scream like a little girl whenever I see them. (Although maybe that wasn't that different than when I was a child.)
Back in the day, I might have had a slightly negative reaction, but the older I get, I find my reactions to negative events in my life to be more and more extreme.
And it's not just me who feels this way. There's the cafe mocha drinking-lady who starts yelling at the streetcar driver if she misses her streetcar, dashing in high heels while carrying a Starbucks pastry of some kind. There's the old lady who doesn't get on the subway because it's too full of people. There's the businessman who won't talk to his female colleagues because he's intimidated by them. And most of these things are things that happened in childhood, or young adulthood, and have become pressure points for us.
Freud called these neuroses: they were things that we couldn't process because they caused us pain, and we can only now go on to start to deal with them. Maybe that old lady had a traumatic experience in a crowd when she was younger. Maybe the businessman was laughed at by a group of girls during high school. We all create mechanisms or warning signs to stop up from having unpleasant experiences.
And herein lies the kicker: We want psychological cues that protect us from events, but we want them to be black and white. There can be no good crowds, no good events of missing the streetcar, no good can come from treating your female colleagues well, etc. We have our frame of reference, and flawed or not, we feel better holding onto it than changing it for the better. Most of the time, this is a fairly harmless way to live.
The problem is when our neuroses stop helping us achieve a normal, pleasurable life, and start taking away from it. The neurotic person that needs treatment simply has more debilitating symptom-formations that prevent enjoyment and active achievement in life.
As an adult, we all have fears. We all have things that we wished hadn't happened to us, and we wish we had done. But the crux of a happy life resides in being able to shape our own bad habits into something useful to us, a weapon against all the bad things that happen to us. Otherwise, those protective elements in our lives stop protecting us, and simply cut us off from the society we should enjoy. To live life well is a life with fewer fears rather than more fears, and a good life is one that is free of those fears that stop us from achieving success in our personal and public lives.
It's funny how the things that you disliked as a child or teenager become things you hate and fear the older you get.
For example, I used to dislike bugs when I was a child, or messes, when I was younger. Now that I'm older, I find that even seeing a messy kitchen or a messy room can stress me out, and bugs in general I scream like a little girl whenever I see them. (Although maybe that wasn't that different than when I was a child.)
Back in the day, I might have had a slightly negative reaction, but the older I get, I find my reactions to negative events in my life to be more and more extreme.
And it's not just me who feels this way. There's the cafe mocha drinking-lady who starts yelling at the streetcar driver if she misses her streetcar, dashing in high heels while carrying a Starbucks pastry of some kind. There's the old lady who doesn't get on the subway because it's too full of people. There's the businessman who won't talk to his female colleagues because he's intimidated by them. And most of these things are things that happened in childhood, or young adulthood, and have become pressure points for us.
Freud called these neuroses: they were things that we couldn't process because they caused us pain, and we can only now go on to start to deal with them. Maybe that old lady had a traumatic experience in a crowd when she was younger. Maybe the businessman was laughed at by a group of girls during high school. We all create mechanisms or warning signs to stop up from having unpleasant experiences.
And herein lies the kicker: We want psychological cues that protect us from events, but we want them to be black and white. There can be no good crowds, no good events of missing the streetcar, no good can come from treating your female colleagues well, etc. We have our frame of reference, and flawed or not, we feel better holding onto it than changing it for the better. Most of the time, this is a fairly harmless way to live.
The problem is when our neuroses stop helping us achieve a normal, pleasurable life, and start taking away from it. The neurotic person that needs treatment simply has more debilitating symptom-formations that prevent enjoyment and active achievement in life.
As an adult, we all have fears. We all have things that we wished hadn't happened to us, and we wish we had done. But the crux of a happy life resides in being able to shape our own bad habits into something useful to us, a weapon against all the bad things that happen to us. Otherwise, those protective elements in our lives stop protecting us, and simply cut us off from the society we should enjoy. To live life well is a life with fewer fears rather than more fears, and a good life is one that is free of those fears that stop us from achieving success in our personal and public lives.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
TOW: Nature
I have been reading Walden lately, and there's one quote that sticks out in my mind, more than any other:
"Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind [...] When a man is warmed by the several modes which I have described, what does he want next? Surely not more warmth of the same kind, as more and richer food, larger and more splendid houses, finer and more abundant clothing, more numerous incessant, and hotter fires, and the like [...] there are some that complain most energetically and inconsolably of any, because they are, as they say, doing their duty. I also have in my mind that seemingly wealthy, but most terribly impoverished class of all, who have accumulated dross, but know not how to use it, or get rid of it, and thus have forged their own golden and silver fetters."
Thus, the story of Walden begins, as an adventure into the desire to shed oneself of the fetters of society and mankind that displace us from regular, human activity.
While I won't go into detail into Walden, (for I honestly think Thoreau is a bit of a stuck up hippie) the premise of Walden is something that I think is universal in desire among most serviceable human beings: the desire to communicate with nature in such a way as to better our humanity.
I spent a really nice time up near Mount Forest in Ontario, and had a chance to fish on some very clear waters, muck about in a cave and sit under a waterfall (which has been one of my favourite experiences this year). Alas, I had to return to the big city, to find it unchanged. The people are still unfortunate, the activities here are still fairly benign, and for the most part, I would rather be in a more natural setting.
While I love my friends here, and I love the work opportunities that I have in a city like this, I definitely feel like there is something missing in my life, and I think it is the closeness of nature in my life. As someone who has spent long summers out in the so-called wild, whether in Cold Lake, Alberta, or in Saskatchewan, it makes me realize how much I miss having those natural comforts close to me in my life. Thoreau was right about one thing in regards to being part of the middle class...the heat that you experience from the societal pleasures in life often are the kind of heat that makes life unbearable, not the kind of heat that warms our hearts.
Most of my happiest memories have been in a natural setting, amongst trees, and wildlife, etc. There are still some things in modern society that I enjoy (like the ability to e-mail, or use a map connected to GPS) but more than anything I wonder if my life would be better if I lived somewhere that I didn't have most of these things.
For now, there's not much that I can do except live here. I have a job, I have a life that I've made here, and that's that, as they say. But someday, maybe I'll live somewhere a little more...natural.
"Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind [...] When a man is warmed by the several modes which I have described, what does he want next? Surely not more warmth of the same kind, as more and richer food, larger and more splendid houses, finer and more abundant clothing, more numerous incessant, and hotter fires, and the like [...] there are some that complain most energetically and inconsolably of any, because they are, as they say, doing their duty. I also have in my mind that seemingly wealthy, but most terribly impoverished class of all, who have accumulated dross, but know not how to use it, or get rid of it, and thus have forged their own golden and silver fetters."
Thus, the story of Walden begins, as an adventure into the desire to shed oneself of the fetters of society and mankind that displace us from regular, human activity.
While I won't go into detail into Walden, (for I honestly think Thoreau is a bit of a stuck up hippie) the premise of Walden is something that I think is universal in desire among most serviceable human beings: the desire to communicate with nature in such a way as to better our humanity.
I spent a really nice time up near Mount Forest in Ontario, and had a chance to fish on some very clear waters, muck about in a cave and sit under a waterfall (which has been one of my favourite experiences this year). Alas, I had to return to the big city, to find it unchanged. The people are still unfortunate, the activities here are still fairly benign, and for the most part, I would rather be in a more natural setting.
While I love my friends here, and I love the work opportunities that I have in a city like this, I definitely feel like there is something missing in my life, and I think it is the closeness of nature in my life. As someone who has spent long summers out in the so-called wild, whether in Cold Lake, Alberta, or in Saskatchewan, it makes me realize how much I miss having those natural comforts close to me in my life. Thoreau was right about one thing in regards to being part of the middle class...the heat that you experience from the societal pleasures in life often are the kind of heat that makes life unbearable, not the kind of heat that warms our hearts.
Most of my happiest memories have been in a natural setting, amongst trees, and wildlife, etc. There are still some things in modern society that I enjoy (like the ability to e-mail, or use a map connected to GPS) but more than anything I wonder if my life would be better if I lived somewhere that I didn't have most of these things.
For now, there's not much that I can do except live here. I have a job, I have a life that I've made here, and that's that, as they say. But someday, maybe I'll live somewhere a little more...natural.
Monday, July 16, 2012
TOW: Creativity
You know, my new job requires me to be creative at work. And by creative, I mean really creative. I come up with themes to marketing campaigns, I do graphic design, recently I've become somewhat of a no-name Youtube star for the videos I'm creating , and I edit everything, do all the technical side of things, and tell a story with pictures, videos and words. And I do it all several times a week.
What I realize from doing this is that creativity is very much like a muscle. If you over-exert it, you'll strain or even injure you're ability to be creative. This is essentially every hipster-esque art piece that was trying so hard to be something, it went full circle and went back to sucking. Maybe it could have been really 'real' or 'moving' had it not included every artist reference to everything and its non-committal boyfriend. But, like most works of art, it's trying to say too much, trying to be too much, trying to be 'the artist' before the art. Works of art like this are strained. It's not a healthy piece of art. It's just as unpleasant as watching a bodybuilder lift his max weight. It's all grunt-face and quivering muscles that can barely hold up 350 pounds.
But if you don't exercise you're creativity, you'll lose it. You will be sluggish, unaware, unfeeling to the world around you. You become a consumer, instead of a maker. It's good to consume art and culture, but it's important to make things, to be, to live in the moment that is the 'artist's moment.' It's good to exercise your creativity. It keeps you mentally strong, awake, and feeling good about yourself.
I have been working on a couple projects that are taking a lot of my time, and some days I don't have the creativity, the will power, nor the sleep allowance that allows me to create anything of value. Because creativity requires that I have some kind of energy to give, to infuse into my activities, and when I come home tired or drained, there's not a lot to give. The creative spirit requires nearly boundless energy, drawing from that inner well that always replenishes itself as long as you save time for introspection, reflection, and productive creative activity.
Create, do, be. Unless you are satisfied with a creative piece, it doesn't matter what other people think. You have an obligation to yourself to put that energy in you, in things in the world until they make you smile, until they make you happy, and that you can see in the world, things in yourself that you've always wanted to share. Because the world we live in, the world of constant, nearly suffocating connection, demands of us that we share only the best of ourselves. The masters of our world are always the ones that are creating the content in it, the sights, the sounds the smells, the feelings. It's up to us to curate that content, and to reflect something of ourselves onto the world that can make others know us for who we really are. That's creativity.
What I realize from doing this is that creativity is very much like a muscle. If you over-exert it, you'll strain or even injure you're ability to be creative. This is essentially every hipster-esque art piece that was trying so hard to be something, it went full circle and went back to sucking. Maybe it could have been really 'real' or 'moving' had it not included every artist reference to everything and its non-committal boyfriend. But, like most works of art, it's trying to say too much, trying to be too much, trying to be 'the artist' before the art. Works of art like this are strained. It's not a healthy piece of art. It's just as unpleasant as watching a bodybuilder lift his max weight. It's all grunt-face and quivering muscles that can barely hold up 350 pounds.
But if you don't exercise you're creativity, you'll lose it. You will be sluggish, unaware, unfeeling to the world around you. You become a consumer, instead of a maker. It's good to consume art and culture, but it's important to make things, to be, to live in the moment that is the 'artist's moment.' It's good to exercise your creativity. It keeps you mentally strong, awake, and feeling good about yourself.
I have been working on a couple projects that are taking a lot of my time, and some days I don't have the creativity, the will power, nor the sleep allowance that allows me to create anything of value. Because creativity requires that I have some kind of energy to give, to infuse into my activities, and when I come home tired or drained, there's not a lot to give. The creative spirit requires nearly boundless energy, drawing from that inner well that always replenishes itself as long as you save time for introspection, reflection, and productive creative activity.
Create, do, be. Unless you are satisfied with a creative piece, it doesn't matter what other people think. You have an obligation to yourself to put that energy in you, in things in the world until they make you smile, until they make you happy, and that you can see in the world, things in yourself that you've always wanted to share. Because the world we live in, the world of constant, nearly suffocating connection, demands of us that we share only the best of ourselves. The masters of our world are always the ones that are creating the content in it, the sights, the sounds the smells, the feelings. It's up to us to curate that content, and to reflect something of ourselves onto the world that can make others know us for who we really are. That's creativity.
Monday, July 02, 2012
Sunday, July 01, 2012
TOW: Canada and Racial Diversity
Lately, I've been feeling a bit sluggish mentally. So, I've decided to do myself a favor, and started doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. It's a good exercise, and I'm forcing myself to look up every answer I don't know and research it. One of the answers on the crossword was the poem, "I, Too." by Langston Hughes. Given that it's Canada Day weekend, I thought it would be good to post a political poem.
It's sad to think that less than a hundred years ago, racial segregation existed. In 1910, Woodrow Wilson segregated the Federal Government of the United States. (Say what?) Restaurants could be shut down for serving both black and white people.
Rosa Parks, the woman who wouldn't give up her bus seat for a white person, only happened in 1955. Black people, in my grandparents time, were considered less than people. The Klu Klux clan was practically a political party.
Canada has a rich history of diversity...but this poem makes me think of all the things that still have to happen, and change so that all people can have fair opportunities in our great country. Racism, segregation of populations still exists, especially between white people and immigrants here in Toronto, as well as indigenous and Western Canadians. We have a lot to learn. I hope for change in the future.
It's sad to think that less than a hundred years ago, racial segregation existed. In 1910, Woodrow Wilson segregated the Federal Government of the United States. (Say what?) Restaurants could be shut down for serving both black and white people.
Rosa Parks, the woman who wouldn't give up her bus seat for a white person, only happened in 1955. Black people, in my grandparents time, were considered less than people. The Klu Klux clan was practically a political party.
Canada has a rich history of diversity...but this poem makes me think of all the things that still have to happen, and change so that all people can have fair opportunities in our great country. Racism, segregation of populations still exists, especially between white people and immigrants here in Toronto, as well as indigenous and Western Canadians. We have a lot to learn. I hope for change in the future.
I, Too
I, too, sing America.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.
Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--
I, too, am America.
I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.
Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody'll dare
Say to me,
"Eat in the kitchen,"
Then.
Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--
I, too, am America.
Langston Hughes
Sunday, June 24, 2012
TOW: Anchoring and Moral Judgment
I have been spending the last two weeks thinking about what anchors me, and what keeps me going, day after day. When I feel strong, I feel like I can count the number of friends I have, the beauty of the good things in my life, and all the things that keep me stable in the changing winds of fortune.
In Consolatio Philosophiae, a lot of thought was put into the value of fame, fortune, and happy middle-class living. Because of the whims of political fortune, Boethius, a famed scholar and thinker, was to be put on trial and put to death. He often sat, for a time, talking to the muses of art and poetry, in hopes that they could heal his pain. What he came to realize over time, however, is that all men and women are subject to the Wheel of Fortune:
"I know how Fortune is ever most friendly and alluring to those whom she strives to deceive, until she overwhelms them with grief beyond bearing, by deserting them when least expected. … Are you trying to stay the force of her turning wheel? Ah! dull-witted mortal, if Fortune begin to stay still, she is no longer Fortune."
We are all subject to deception of living well. We think that if we have this, we have that, we will feel 'safe' in life, only to lose those things and be brought down again. I have acquired the bad habit of counting the good things in my, the bad things in my life, comparing and contrasting. This is modern psychology's view of how to get by in life. It's a stop-gap for all of us, when, for a reason or another, we cannot engage in a higher level of moral thinking. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
For example, almost all Hollywood movies are the concept of Rota Fortunae. The hero begins with nothing, rises to prominence, and the credits close with him or her at the very top of that wheel, riding into the sunset. No one hears about how the soldier that won the hand of his lady/man got cancer a year later and died, and his/her fiancee committed suicide. That wouldn't be a good movie. (Well, maybe in Russian cinema, but not here.)
We love to see people succeed. There's something very nice about that. Human nature wants to focus on the good, it really does, even when it can only see evil, lack, want. We still want to count all the good things we have seen. Morality becomes a counting game of moral banking.
Those things we can count without cost, without measure, those things are the most valuable like love and inner peace. But even these, during our dark times, Fortune will take from us. The true measure of a man lies in those moments, in what he can perceive, in what he can push himself to be.
I have picked up the Bible lately again, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about who do I trust to represent a fair vision of myself, of who I am, who I can trust with my mirror's image. It used to be my family. As I grow older, I realize I have to be able to hold that reflection up to myself, and do my best to really wonder if I'm satisfied, if I'm a happy man, if I'm a good man.
The best lives, I think are those who have been to the lowest point in their moral scheme, those who can say that everything that made them feel they were a good person was taken away from them, and they can still continue. In other words, a foolish person who can hope beyond hope when bad things happen. This picture has been in my mind as I go to sleep over the last few weeks.
The image is of three Belgian men, standing atop the rubble of what used to be their homes. They are covered in soot, the war is over, and there's nothing to do but rebuild. And they did. And eventually Flanders became a beautiful, modern, human place again. But not without sacrifice and unnecessary death and loss. They lost everything, absolutely everything, and they rebuilt.
So, when you lose both your fortune and your happiness, there is nothing left but to rebuild. And no matter what point of life that comes to for us, we can only rebuild, and remember. And instead of counting blessings, we can only marvel at our own strength, and ability to succeed again, in the face of failure.
"I know how Fortune is ever most friendly and alluring to those whom she strives to deceive, until she overwhelms them with grief beyond bearing, by deserting them when least expected. … Are you trying to stay the force of her turning wheel? Ah! dull-witted mortal, if Fortune begin to stay still, she is no longer Fortune."
We are all subject to deception of living well. We think that if we have this, we have that, we will feel 'safe' in life, only to lose those things and be brought down again. I have acquired the bad habit of counting the good things in my, the bad things in my life, comparing and contrasting. This is modern psychology's view of how to get by in life. It's a stop-gap for all of us, when, for a reason or another, we cannot engage in a higher level of moral thinking. It's not necessarily a bad thing.
For example, almost all Hollywood movies are the concept of Rota Fortunae. The hero begins with nothing, rises to prominence, and the credits close with him or her at the very top of that wheel, riding into the sunset. No one hears about how the soldier that won the hand of his lady/man got cancer a year later and died, and his/her fiancee committed suicide. That wouldn't be a good movie. (Well, maybe in Russian cinema, but not here.)
We love to see people succeed. There's something very nice about that. Human nature wants to focus on the good, it really does, even when it can only see evil, lack, want. We still want to count all the good things we have seen. Morality becomes a counting game of moral banking.
Those things we can count without cost, without measure, those things are the most valuable like love and inner peace. But even these, during our dark times, Fortune will take from us. The true measure of a man lies in those moments, in what he can perceive, in what he can push himself to be.
I have picked up the Bible lately again, and I have been doing a lot of thinking about who do I trust to represent a fair vision of myself, of who I am, who I can trust with my mirror's image. It used to be my family. As I grow older, I realize I have to be able to hold that reflection up to myself, and do my best to really wonder if I'm satisfied, if I'm a happy man, if I'm a good man.
The best lives, I think are those who have been to the lowest point in their moral scheme, those who can say that everything that made them feel they were a good person was taken away from them, and they can still continue. In other words, a foolish person who can hope beyond hope when bad things happen. This picture has been in my mind as I go to sleep over the last few weeks.
The image is of three Belgian men, standing atop the rubble of what used to be their homes. They are covered in soot, the war is over, and there's nothing to do but rebuild. And they did. And eventually Flanders became a beautiful, modern, human place again. But not without sacrifice and unnecessary death and loss. They lost everything, absolutely everything, and they rebuilt.
So, when you lose both your fortune and your happiness, there is nothing left but to rebuild. And no matter what point of life that comes to for us, we can only rebuild, and remember. And instead of counting blessings, we can only marvel at our own strength, and ability to succeed again, in the face of failure.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
TOW: Relationships
It's funny how relationships change over time.
We always think people will be in our lives forever.
But the truth is, relationships change, people do things differently than in the past...they're often trying to figure out what makes them happiest.
In my life, as long as I'm not have a cynical moment...I think everything changes. Life goes on...children are born, friends and family members die...life goes in a cycle.
In my brighter moments, I sometimes think about the phases of life, and what sort of phase I'm currently in.
I know that the relationships in my life can't all stay the same forever. They have to evolve, or die. Behavior that repeats itself over and over is probably negative behavior. Positive relationships don't stay the same...they evolve with the people who are constantly changing, aging, healthy or sick, smart or not-so-smart, wise or unwise in their lives. Negative relationships ask us to always remain the same, and never change.
But we can't stay the same...for our relationships, and our inner selves deserve better. We all need to be able to evolve and find ways to be happy.
Life isn't worth living without great relationships. But great relationships really only exist when we evolve with those relationships.
We always think people will be in our lives forever.
But the truth is, relationships change, people do things differently than in the past...they're often trying to figure out what makes them happiest.
In my life, as long as I'm not have a cynical moment...I think everything changes. Life goes on...children are born, friends and family members die...life goes in a cycle.
In my brighter moments, I sometimes think about the phases of life, and what sort of phase I'm currently in.
I know that the relationships in my life can't all stay the same forever. They have to evolve, or die. Behavior that repeats itself over and over is probably negative behavior. Positive relationships don't stay the same...they evolve with the people who are constantly changing, aging, healthy or sick, smart or not-so-smart, wise or unwise in their lives. Negative relationships ask us to always remain the same, and never change.
But we can't stay the same...for our relationships, and our inner selves deserve better. We all need to be able to evolve and find ways to be happy.
Life isn't worth living without great relationships. But great relationships really only exist when we evolve with those relationships.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
TOW: The Creative Process
I have been thinking a lot about what makes me a creative individual and what I need to do to be creative. I have decided I need a couple things:
1. Inspiration: I need to feel inspired. Usually I look at pictures for ideas, or I surf the web, letting my mind wander before I choose an idea. Some of the best ideas I have had have come after discarding several ideas.
2. Process: I need to fiddle in a workspace for a while on a backdrop that makes sense. Whether it's a t-shirt mock-up, a sketch, or some kind of website item, I need to have some kind of paper or some area I can just let loose for a while. For work, I prefer to use Illustrator when doing digital graphics. When writing, I (now) like to make charts and diagrams to refer my writing with. I find it helps to keep a consistent narrative in view.
3. Designing: Once I have an idea firmly in place, I try and provide several variations of the same idea. So, this could mean I do a graffiti art piece (like today) and I do versions with different colour combinations and different item placements, but generally with the same 5-6 items. This way I can decide where things belong, and think about what makes the most sense visually, or on page. This applies to my writing process as well. I find I'm constantly moving sections of words for placement value.
4. Editing: I mock-up several designs into a one sheet item (writing includes this, give or take) which I then print off to look at. Sometimes the print really helps me decide on whether I like an item or not. It helps to do this in varying sizes if I'm only considering slight variations to one design item.
5. Revamping: I then take the one item I'm pleased with and I work on it until I feel it's a finished piece. This includes writing. For illustration, I find this is about 3 edits. For writing, I find it takes me 5-7. Not sure if this has to do with my skill as a writer, or if it's because writing is more subjective than graphic design.
6. Finalizing: I then choose the item to present for approval or to use in day-to-day use.
This process can take me anywhere from 1 hour to 1 year. On an average, however, this process usually takes me a week.
1. Inspiration: I need to feel inspired. Usually I look at pictures for ideas, or I surf the web, letting my mind wander before I choose an idea. Some of the best ideas I have had have come after discarding several ideas.
2. Process: I need to fiddle in a workspace for a while on a backdrop that makes sense. Whether it's a t-shirt mock-up, a sketch, or some kind of website item, I need to have some kind of paper or some area I can just let loose for a while. For work, I prefer to use Illustrator when doing digital graphics. When writing, I (now) like to make charts and diagrams to refer my writing with. I find it helps to keep a consistent narrative in view.
3. Designing: Once I have an idea firmly in place, I try and provide several variations of the same idea. So, this could mean I do a graffiti art piece (like today) and I do versions with different colour combinations and different item placements, but generally with the same 5-6 items. This way I can decide where things belong, and think about what makes the most sense visually, or on page. This applies to my writing process as well. I find I'm constantly moving sections of words for placement value.
4. Editing: I mock-up several designs into a one sheet item (writing includes this, give or take) which I then print off to look at. Sometimes the print really helps me decide on whether I like an item or not. It helps to do this in varying sizes if I'm only considering slight variations to one design item.
5. Revamping: I then take the one item I'm pleased with and I work on it until I feel it's a finished piece. This includes writing. For illustration, I find this is about 3 edits. For writing, I find it takes me 5-7. Not sure if this has to do with my skill as a writer, or if it's because writing is more subjective than graphic design.
6. Finalizing: I then choose the item to present for approval or to use in day-to-day use.
This process can take me anywhere from 1 hour to 1 year. On an average, however, this process usually takes me a week.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
TOW: Lazy versus Happy
There's one line in a song called "Is the Where It Ends," I always remember from the Barenaked Ladies:
She's like a baby
I'm like a cat
When we are happy
we both get fat
Now, this is not a post about body image, but this is about the link between being content, and being lazy.
I have been pretty lazy these last few weeks. There have been bursts of craziness at work, and yes, it's been busy here and there, but the real issue is that when I get home, I have been turning on the internet tv, maybe going to the gym, and just settling into a pattern. I don't mind patterns, but I've been complacent lately.
And it's because I've been content.
A lot of great things have been happening. Work is going well, I have low amounts of drama in my life, my family isn't calling every five minutes asking me to move into their basement because they miss me and generally things are pretty swell. Life is good, and I've been wearing a smile on my face more often.
But what I have found is that when I get complacent, a lot of things start to take a turn for the worse. I don't exercise as much. Personal projects (I'm looking at you, iPhone game) get flung to the side and sometimes forgotten for a while or slowed down to the point where there's little progress. You get lazy.
It's true that the devil work is in idle hands, but more than that, I sometimes find myself slipping into a routine where I go past relaxing, past 'me time' and straight into lazyville.
Oddly, I seem to thrive on chaos, conflict and disorder to propel me into something better. The last couple years there has been a lot of change in my life, and I think it has to do with the fact that I've been striving for something better. When I'm mad, or upset, or feeling weird, I feel the need to act, to make change, to do something, anything, to make things better.
When I get happy, it's hard for me to see how much better the quality of life could be if I got another job, got a raise, won some kind of award. I guess I'm content when I have very little.
But happiness for me springs from being active, and doing things in the world. My happiness comes from activity, not the absence of it. So I guess I can be content with very little, but my happiness requires that contentment is never enough. Happiness has to be a state of being, working, living, changing, and evolving. And sometimes we don't evolve for the better when we try to change things, but I still think that's better than being a very specific kind of complacent.
She's like a baby
I'm like a cat
When we are happy
we both get fat
Now, this is not a post about body image, but this is about the link between being content, and being lazy.
I have been pretty lazy these last few weeks. There have been bursts of craziness at work, and yes, it's been busy here and there, but the real issue is that when I get home, I have been turning on the internet tv, maybe going to the gym, and just settling into a pattern. I don't mind patterns, but I've been complacent lately.
And it's because I've been content.
A lot of great things have been happening. Work is going well, I have low amounts of drama in my life, my family isn't calling every five minutes asking me to move into their basement because they miss me and generally things are pretty swell. Life is good, and I've been wearing a smile on my face more often.
But what I have found is that when I get complacent, a lot of things start to take a turn for the worse. I don't exercise as much. Personal projects (I'm looking at you, iPhone game) get flung to the side and sometimes forgotten for a while or slowed down to the point where there's little progress. You get lazy.
It's true that the devil work is in idle hands, but more than that, I sometimes find myself slipping into a routine where I go past relaxing, past 'me time' and straight into lazyville.
Oddly, I seem to thrive on chaos, conflict and disorder to propel me into something better. The last couple years there has been a lot of change in my life, and I think it has to do with the fact that I've been striving for something better. When I'm mad, or upset, or feeling weird, I feel the need to act, to make change, to do something, anything, to make things better.
When I get happy, it's hard for me to see how much better the quality of life could be if I got another job, got a raise, won some kind of award. I guess I'm content when I have very little.
But happiness for me springs from being active, and doing things in the world. My happiness comes from activity, not the absence of it. So I guess I can be content with very little, but my happiness requires that contentment is never enough. Happiness has to be a state of being, working, living, changing, and evolving. And sometimes we don't evolve for the better when we try to change things, but I still think that's better than being a very specific kind of complacent.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day!
To all the moms who are my buddies and family, I wish you the best day. I had a great conversation with my mom this morning. I love her more than anything. :)
MAN
I haven't posted on here in FOREVER.
I've just found myself really, really busy on Sunday and Monday nights, which is usually when post things here.
I'll be working on a better update schedule in the near future. For now, though, I just need to focus on getting back on track with some things that really matter to me. Like writing, for example. And not just business writing, which I have been focusing way too much on in the last 3 years. It's really hard to write well when most of your thoughts have to be branded and less than three sentences. Kind of kills the creative process when you're only working for one client.
Writing really matters to me, and though I'm not very good at it, when I am, I really feel like I've accomplished something.
So, I plan to write here more....I've just been on hiatus for a bit! ^_^
I've just found myself really, really busy on Sunday and Monday nights, which is usually when post things here.
I'll be working on a better update schedule in the near future. For now, though, I just need to focus on getting back on track with some things that really matter to me. Like writing, for example. And not just business writing, which I have been focusing way too much on in the last 3 years. It's really hard to write well when most of your thoughts have to be branded and less than three sentences. Kind of kills the creative process when you're only working for one client.
Writing really matters to me, and though I'm not very good at it, when I am, I really feel like I've accomplished something.
So, I plan to write here more....I've just been on hiatus for a bit! ^_^
Monday, April 16, 2012
TOW: Buddhist Circles
Sometimes in life, you feel like you're going in circles.
No end, no beginning...just a place in the middle. You think you're getting good at something, and then something new happens in your life, and everything changes. Then suddenly you're back at the beginning. You're never quite finished...well...until you're finished, as in, C'EST FINI.
....
The Buddhists have a sacred art form called 'Mandala.' They create intricate, beautiful circles in the sand.
But these circles, even if they're the most beautiful thing that's ever existed, once a mandala is finished, a monk sweeps it away, and starts anew.
Nothing matters in life some much you can't start again and change. Buddhists use this tool for spiritual meditation, but all humans have the idea of a circle, propelling them deeper and deeper into themselves.
Lately, I feel like, in some way, I'm at the start of a circle.
In other ways, I feel like I'm near the end.
Buddhists mandalas say a lot about spiritual health and the good life. The good life is being in the middle of things. The middle is where it's at. End are alright, and beginnings can be exhilarating, but for me, save me for the thick of things, the good right in between so many different things. It can be beautiful, it can be good, and it's almost always meaningful.
VOW: Robbie Williams and One Direction
I'm not huge into these guys, but I kind of love the duet they did.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Holy Moly!
I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here! Yikes!
Things have just been so insane lately. Work, life, etc. is crazy and running two businesses isn't helping.
But I'm managing. Slowly, but surely. :)
Things have just been so insane lately. Work, life, etc. is crazy and running two businesses isn't helping.
But I'm managing. Slowly, but surely. :)
Monday, April 02, 2012
TOW: Belonging
It's been a rough couple weeks. I've had not enough sleep, not enough exercise, too much to do, and not enough time to do the things I want. But, all this 'missing time' has got me thinking about things that I love doing, and things that I'm currently doing.
On the bright side of things, I'm currently doing a lot of the things I love. I had a great night tutoring a new kid (he's in grade 1) and went for a great run and the work I'm doing at work is interesting, different and challenging. I have great friends, and lately I've been so social I've been double-booking myself. All is well with the world.
On the not-so-bright-side, there's a lot of change around me, and not all of it is a good change. I have never felt so good at what I do while still feeling like I don't really fit in. I don't fit into this city, I don't fit into the culture, I'm not sure how I'm fitting in at work these days, and I'm eventually not going to fit into these jeans if I keep eating myself out of every emotional crisis I have.
Sad to say, I'm at one of those times in life where you feel like you don't fit in, you don't belong, and you don't know how to fix it.
I think if this had happened to me in university, I would have found a way around it, and turned it into a good thing. I did more than this, and I think I surpassed my expectations in this regard.
I think if this had happened to me in Belgium (and it did happen to me in Belgium) I would find like-minded non-fitters....and I did.
But Toronto is a big city. You could almost call Toronto the city of people that never fit in. They never seem to say things quite right, the people I meet here are friendly but distant, especially for Canadians. I'm getting older, and I don't have too many more 'reinvent your life' phases left in me. I've used up about three of them in the last five years, so I'd really rather not go back to that. I want to start building a life that feels significant to me.
In some ways, I'm in the adult phase where it's like puberty all over again. Your body doesn't make any sense to you, you always seem to say the wrong thing, you don't feel good or confident and everything just seems to be changing too fast for you to finesse things in a way that would make you appear, nice, wise and good. Instead, you come off looking like a pretentious, stressed-out, stuck-up something-something with rage issues. (Yes, I'm talking about me.)
But right now it's all about how well the things in my life fit with my vision of a good life for me.
And very, very select few things are holding me together these days. I think I'm ready for some positive change.
On the bright side of things, I'm currently doing a lot of the things I love. I had a great night tutoring a new kid (he's in grade 1) and went for a great run and the work I'm doing at work is interesting, different and challenging. I have great friends, and lately I've been so social I've been double-booking myself. All is well with the world.
On the not-so-bright-side, there's a lot of change around me, and not all of it is a good change. I have never felt so good at what I do while still feeling like I don't really fit in. I don't fit into this city, I don't fit into the culture, I'm not sure how I'm fitting in at work these days, and I'm eventually not going to fit into these jeans if I keep eating myself out of every emotional crisis I have.
Sad to say, I'm at one of those times in life where you feel like you don't fit in, you don't belong, and you don't know how to fix it.
I think if this had happened to me in university, I would have found a way around it, and turned it into a good thing. I did more than this, and I think I surpassed my expectations in this regard.
I think if this had happened to me in Belgium (and it did happen to me in Belgium) I would find like-minded non-fitters....and I did.
But Toronto is a big city. You could almost call Toronto the city of people that never fit in. They never seem to say things quite right, the people I meet here are friendly but distant, especially for Canadians. I'm getting older, and I don't have too many more 'reinvent your life' phases left in me. I've used up about three of them in the last five years, so I'd really rather not go back to that. I want to start building a life that feels significant to me.
In some ways, I'm in the adult phase where it's like puberty all over again. Your body doesn't make any sense to you, you always seem to say the wrong thing, you don't feel good or confident and everything just seems to be changing too fast for you to finesse things in a way that would make you appear, nice, wise and good. Instead, you come off looking like a pretentious, stressed-out, stuck-up something-something with rage issues. (Yes, I'm talking about me.)
But right now it's all about how well the things in my life fit with my vision of a good life for me.
And very, very select few things are holding me together these days. I think I'm ready for some positive change.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
TOW: Work Habits
Sorry I've been so absent from this blog. Between me making a video game for iPhone (long story) and the new job that continues to get more interesting by the day (to say the least) I've had my hands full. Add in some friends, some social engagements and I'm busy. But most of the time I'm working on the video game...it's pretty much a full time job on top of my full time job.
I'm doing better at managing my workloads with the game, but the truth is, there's still a ton to do. I'm teaching myself coding, while I go along and work on my graphic design skills (which have gotten exponentially better over the last couple months) and find out business stuff I need to know to develop on the iPhone. It's time consuming because once I finish one thing, I just start on the next.
But I've learned a lot about how to switch gears quickly thanks to my job, and to this project.
I'll try and keep things updated here, but between blogging and tweeting for the video game account it's keeping me busy. And busy is good, even if it's stay-in-your-room-and-don't leave busy. =)
I'm doing better at managing my workloads with the game, but the truth is, there's still a ton to do. I'm teaching myself coding, while I go along and work on my graphic design skills (which have gotten exponentially better over the last couple months) and find out business stuff I need to know to develop on the iPhone. It's time consuming because once I finish one thing, I just start on the next.
But I've learned a lot about how to switch gears quickly thanks to my job, and to this project.
I'll try and keep things updated here, but between blogging and tweeting for the video game account it's keeping me busy. And busy is good, even if it's stay-in-your-room-and-don't leave busy. =)
Sunday, March 11, 2012
TOW: It's not what you have...
Sometimes living in a big city, you compare yourself and what you have to what other people have. I know that I often find myself caught up in a race against other people and the things they are doing. Often the feeling you are left with is, "Why does this person have so much, but I have so little?" It's not the comparison that bothers me, I find, but the feeling your left with. The feeling like there's a big hole where all the appreciation for what's in your life should be.
I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I have this, this and this, but I don't have this, this and this." And the focus always seems to be on the things I don't have, on the problems in my life, on the little failures that don't actually mean anything. And finally, I often ask, "Why can't I be happy, with all the good things in my life?"
Sometimes, when life gets off track, the one and only thing to remember is that happiness comes through trying, not through hoping happiness will arrive. More than that, I realized that for the last couple years, I have been focusing on the problems that are in my life, on the things I wish that weren't in my life. It's kind of like focusing on what you hate, about yourself, about your life, about your day. And then I would try and pull myself out of some deep hole I was in by focusing on what I love and trying to busy myself with that.
What is strange is that when I thought back to those times when I was truly happy, I realized it wasn't because I wasn't focusing on what I loved, or what I hated. Those two things are constantly in a battle for my attention, but that's not how we can be happy. Instead, when I was happy, I was focused not on things, but on people. And not on people that I love, but on the people that love me. It's not what I do, but what others do for me that makes me happy. We can do all the good deeds in the world for our friends, and yes it can give us a kind of happiness. But it's not what we do for our friends, or our families, our peers or strangers. It's what they do for us.
It's not what you have. It's what you are given that makes you happy.
I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I have this, this and this, but I don't have this, this and this." And the focus always seems to be on the things I don't have, on the problems in my life, on the little failures that don't actually mean anything. And finally, I often ask, "Why can't I be happy, with all the good things in my life?"
Sometimes, when life gets off track, the one and only thing to remember is that happiness comes through trying, not through hoping happiness will arrive. More than that, I realized that for the last couple years, I have been focusing on the problems that are in my life, on the things I wish that weren't in my life. It's kind of like focusing on what you hate, about yourself, about your life, about your day. And then I would try and pull myself out of some deep hole I was in by focusing on what I love and trying to busy myself with that.
What is strange is that when I thought back to those times when I was truly happy, I realized it wasn't because I wasn't focusing on what I loved, or what I hated. Those two things are constantly in a battle for my attention, but that's not how we can be happy. Instead, when I was happy, I was focused not on things, but on people. And not on people that I love, but on the people that love me. It's not what I do, but what others do for me that makes me happy. We can do all the good deeds in the world for our friends, and yes it can give us a kind of happiness. But it's not what we do for our friends, or our families, our peers or strangers. It's what they do for us.
It's not what you have. It's what you are given that makes you happy.
Monday, February 27, 2012
TOW: Lenten Values
This Lent I'm not working on giving things up. This Lent I'm working on readjusting a few things.
Lent is a time for giving up, it's true, but it's also a time of spiritual strengthening. We do our training during the desert time of Lent. And the beauty of that is that with time, we become, much, more fulfilled people by what we gave up or resisted. It's like a very specific self-help program, once a year.
But the focus of Lent has always been, and will always be for me, about values. What things, people, ideas, and causes do you value? What kind of people do you want in your life and what values do they have?
Lent is a celebration of becoming better, so that when the worst things happen, we can become better people overall.
Lent is a time for giving up, it's true, but it's also a time of spiritual strengthening. We do our training during the desert time of Lent. And the beauty of that is that with time, we become, much, more fulfilled people by what we gave up or resisted. It's like a very specific self-help program, once a year.
But the focus of Lent has always been, and will always be for me, about values. What things, people, ideas, and causes do you value? What kind of people do you want in your life and what values do they have?
Lent is a celebration of becoming better, so that when the worst things happen, we can become better people overall.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Giving up versus giving in
Probably one of my favourite Dragon's Den episodes of all time was one where a woman came on and tried to get investors involved in her spice-making business. The woman had lost nearly $100,000 in it, had spent several years trying to make the business work, and she was looking for investment in something she thought could be a big hit with the right leadership. The idea was so bad, and it was so poorly managed, that one of the dragons told her, "You're being stupid. Stop investing money in this business. It's ruining your life."
The woman wouldn't give in. She said she believed in her business, and that it was a great idea, and that
There are times in our life when really, the smartest thing we can do is give up. And sometimes, giving up something doesn't mean we're losers. Sometimes it means we're giving up the things that we making us losers. That woman was interviewed a year later...and she said the show gave her the best advice of her life. She was throwing away her life, and she realized she didn't need to try and make something that didn't work. She gave it up. And she was happier.
Giving in is slightly different. When we give in, we're letting go of our willpower to believe that something is possible, or to give in to what other people want. Giving in is often a negative choice, and we should never give in, if we can help it.
As we start Lent, I will be giving up a lot of things. These are conscious decisions I'm going to make to positively impact my future, and to show spiritual fidelity. It's not easy to make these choices...people will often ask me to give in because it suits them. But Lent is a time of spiritual renewal. It is not an easy time nor often a happy time for Catholics. It's a time to reflect, to be in our 'spiritual desert' so to speak, and to contemplate the greater mysteries.
So, here's to giving up.
The woman wouldn't give in. She said she believed in her business, and that it was a great idea, and that
There are times in our life when really, the smartest thing we can do is give up. And sometimes, giving up something doesn't mean we're losers. Sometimes it means we're giving up the things that we making us losers. That woman was interviewed a year later...and she said the show gave her the best advice of her life. She was throwing away her life, and she realized she didn't need to try and make something that didn't work. She gave it up. And she was happier.
Giving in is slightly different. When we give in, we're letting go of our willpower to believe that something is possible, or to give in to what other people want. Giving in is often a negative choice, and we should never give in, if we can help it.
As we start Lent, I will be giving up a lot of things. These are conscious decisions I'm going to make to positively impact my future, and to show spiritual fidelity. It's not easy to make these choices...people will often ask me to give in because it suits them. But Lent is a time of spiritual renewal. It is not an easy time nor often a happy time for Catholics. It's a time to reflect, to be in our 'spiritual desert' so to speak, and to contemplate the greater mysteries.
So, here's to giving up.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
TOW: Valentine's Day
The funny thing about Valentine's Day is that everyone wants to be in love, but no one wants to be in a commitment or have responsibilities.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
TOW: The Chariot of the mind
In Plato's Phaedrus, he talks about one of my favourite philosophical myths, the Allegory of The Chariot of the Soul.
The soul is like a chariot being driven by two horses. The first horse is a noble, wonderful horse of the best breed. It does exactly as the master asks. The second horse however, is like a horse that has never been broken in. It bucks and tries to go where it wants, and is wild. The soul has a goal in mind towards higher enlightenment and it traverses a long journey to get there. We are often slowed down and frustrated not by the first, but the second horse.
The allegory of course, is one of the human mind/soul. We often know what we want, but we are frustrated by our lower desires which take over now and again and take control of our lives. We feel like we're getting near the top, near the best of what we can accomplish every day, only to tumble down the mountainside the next day all the way to the bottom, and it's like we have the build up the discipline all over again.
When I read The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, I didn't realize it at the time, but it was actually a very intricate story that extrapolated on the Chariot Allegory. Our minds are directed towards thoughts, while it is distracted by certain kinds of feelings. It's our choice to accept those feelings into our lives. If we let a wild and desirous part of ourselves take over, we often end up unhappy. But the funny thing is, when we exercise even the smallest bit of emotional control, we often are able to turn bad situations into better ones, and sadness into a positive outlook.
The key to happiness is not being lucky in life, having everything you want, or being successful, but counting yourself as successful, feeling like every day alive is a good day, and knowing that having everything isn't everything. And we can only feel that way when either a) everything is going right for us, or when b) we direct our minds and desires to positive things, and not to negative things. We are, to a certain extent, our thoughts and our feelings. When we give our desires the reins, we often end us places we don't want to be. Our feelings should never be the centre of our lives. Our feelings contribute to who we are, but if we let them have control, we often feel helpless in the face of normal life situations. The only real victims in life are the people who are victims of their own emotional states. (Speaking from experience of myself, here.)
I think this week I have spent a lot of time feeling happy, and really good, and it's because I've been working hard, and things have been going well as a result of that work. Hopefully, my hard work will pay off. Even if it doesn't (at least in a financial sense) it will pay off in a life value sense, which was always worth more, anyways.
The soul is like a chariot being driven by two horses. The first horse is a noble, wonderful horse of the best breed. It does exactly as the master asks. The second horse however, is like a horse that has never been broken in. It bucks and tries to go where it wants, and is wild. The soul has a goal in mind towards higher enlightenment and it traverses a long journey to get there. We are often slowed down and frustrated not by the first, but the second horse.
The allegory of course, is one of the human mind/soul. We often know what we want, but we are frustrated by our lower desires which take over now and again and take control of our lives. We feel like we're getting near the top, near the best of what we can accomplish every day, only to tumble down the mountainside the next day all the way to the bottom, and it's like we have the build up the discipline all over again.
When I read The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, I didn't realize it at the time, but it was actually a very intricate story that extrapolated on the Chariot Allegory. Our minds are directed towards thoughts, while it is distracted by certain kinds of feelings. It's our choice to accept those feelings into our lives. If we let a wild and desirous part of ourselves take over, we often end up unhappy. But the funny thing is, when we exercise even the smallest bit of emotional control, we often are able to turn bad situations into better ones, and sadness into a positive outlook.
The key to happiness is not being lucky in life, having everything you want, or being successful, but counting yourself as successful, feeling like every day alive is a good day, and knowing that having everything isn't everything. And we can only feel that way when either a) everything is going right for us, or when b) we direct our minds and desires to positive things, and not to negative things. We are, to a certain extent, our thoughts and our feelings. When we give our desires the reins, we often end us places we don't want to be. Our feelings should never be the centre of our lives. Our feelings contribute to who we are, but if we let them have control, we often feel helpless in the face of normal life situations. The only real victims in life are the people who are victims of their own emotional states. (Speaking from experience of myself, here.)
I think this week I have spent a lot of time feeling happy, and really good, and it's because I've been working hard, and things have been going well as a result of that work. Hopefully, my hard work will pay off. Even if it doesn't (at least in a financial sense) it will pay off in a life value sense, which was always worth more, anyways.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
It's been a good week
I can't remember the last time I was this busy....but officially....I'm overbooked-Brennan again. =)
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
TOW: Happy New Year
The year has turned from an old man into a baby again.
We often think about this time and make New Years Resolutions.
But, I think I made mine (not that I make them, I don't believe in them.) some time in December. I had read the book the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, and in the midst of reading it, I realized that I was causing myself a lot of unhappiness, over nothing. My life could be inherently positive, even in the worst circumstances, and I think I knew that a LONG time ago, maybe when I felt things were a bit easier, a bit better, when I was a bit younger, but dealing with difficult situations as a working adult is much different than learning to deal with negativity as someone who is a student, studying, or in academia. The problems of academia are big, but they don't always hurt as much as when you're a working person.
This year, I plan to try and embrace that positivity, and just keep it running throughout. I've spent a lot of time in Toronto, thinking a lot of negative thoughts about the city (most of which, are probably true) but I haven't helped myself find good things, things that made me feel good, happy, or safe until sometime this year. I feel like I'm starting to make better decisions overall. Hopefully, over time, things will continue to get better. I feel like there are a lot of really great things and great people in my life. Now it's just a question of upkeep, versus a question of how much finding the right things to put in my life. I've started to have a lot of a really cool things happen to me and for me lately,- and I'd like to just continue that trend as the year continues, and I think it will.
Just got to keep up the good vibe. ^_^
We often think about this time and make New Years Resolutions.
But, I think I made mine (not that I make them, I don't believe in them.) some time in December. I had read the book the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, and in the midst of reading it, I realized that I was causing myself a lot of unhappiness, over nothing. My life could be inherently positive, even in the worst circumstances, and I think I knew that a LONG time ago, maybe when I felt things were a bit easier, a bit better, when I was a bit younger, but dealing with difficult situations as a working adult is much different than learning to deal with negativity as someone who is a student, studying, or in academia. The problems of academia are big, but they don't always hurt as much as when you're a working person.
This year, I plan to try and embrace that positivity, and just keep it running throughout. I've spent a lot of time in Toronto, thinking a lot of negative thoughts about the city (most of which, are probably true) but I haven't helped myself find good things, things that made me feel good, happy, or safe until sometime this year. I feel like I'm starting to make better decisions overall. Hopefully, over time, things will continue to get better. I feel like there are a lot of really great things and great people in my life. Now it's just a question of upkeep, versus a question of how much finding the right things to put in my life. I've started to have a lot of a really cool things happen to me and for me lately,- and I'd like to just continue that trend as the year continues, and I think it will.
Just got to keep up the good vibe. ^_^
Sunday, January 01, 2012
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