I think it's pretty normal to think about the start of a new decade and where it's going. Especially when you're relaxed and in a quiet place for a long weekend.
And where is my life going?
I feel very much that as much as I have tried, and actually really succeeded in planting good things and good events in my life over the last year of 40, but I still feel something missing for me. And maybe I'll be able to put my finger on it, but I guess I feel like a failure in many things that I wish I was a success in. And most of that change is about the people around me changing as we grow older...because there's no stopping the march of time.
It's something I feel very seriously about a loss of connection between people I care about...and not everything is something I can control or contribute to. Sometimes it is simply that it is part of what life is. Some of life is embers, some of life is a roaring fire.
And maybe being in 40-50s is about orienting ourselves to something other than youth. Because I have heard more 'I used to do that' or 'My back is killing me' or 'This is my new medication' this year than I thought possible. (And I was prepared for quite a lot of it!)
And I think the curtain has been pulled back a bit for me on the mysteries of aging. Some of those things are not mysteries about what they are and how they will unfold. It's now something I discuss with my friends who are 10-20 years older than me.
But my question is always: Who will we be in 5-10 years? I hope I can have a life full of laughter and love still, and that there's still good moments coming the future to brighten a day or a week or a month.
Because sometimes I think that I understand love, and I understand where I am going, and then suddenly I find, I have been spun around, and I don't recognize the surroundings of where I am, or why I am, even though the people in my galaxy are the ones I have always known. Sometimes the world spins me, and sometimes I wish I had the power to spin well with it.
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