The Second Half of Life

You know, nothing irritates me more than those blog posts of 90 year olds saying 'life has just begun for me!'

Because, the numbers don't lie. You have until 100, or less. So after 40, you are half done your life.  

 

I'm over half done my life.  But I don't feel regret about anything particularly.  My regret is simply the same as most people my generation and most people everywhere. I often feel I am frustrated by the circumstances I live in, by the systems, by the missing opportunities that should exist. 

I can imagine what these opportunities are, or would have been, earlier in my life. But they simply weren't available to me.  And, unlike every single self-help video or book in the world, it wasn't something I could obtain. 

The things you know you would do as a young person, as a different person...there are things you could have done, but only if the technology, time, money, environment, people and luck converged. And even if all those things came true, you might still be worse off than you are now.  It's like saying I would be an Olympic athlete, if only I didn't have cancer that took my legs.  No one is bringing back the legs.

There are many things I have tried to do in my life, but I suppose very few things have been successful. The good news is that the things I have been successful at, have led to a stable life for me that I enjoy. That is pretty good.

But I still have a deep hunger for meaning as an adult. And that is not because I don't have direction, aspirations, goals. It's actually the opposite. It's because I know that life and its end are inevitable, that sometimes it feels like every small creative endeavor, every attempt at self-betterment, every attempt to change, seems silly in the face of decay, of self-lessening, of having access to only meager means to increase, advance or surpass expectations.

Because every moment in bettering myself is a moment spent in agony, in purgatory, in wishing to have enough time to be good enough to enjoy what I create and not feel empty.

Because every time I make something for me, and for others, I am emptying myself.  And there is joy in being empty. But being empty requires time to become full again, to have something to express myself with. And time is in short supply as an adult, no matter which path you walk in life.

We have nothing but time. And yet time is never available, not the kind you want, not with everything you need.  But. But....every moment spent doing good is a good moment. In a moment of goodness, we are ourselves.

And that's why I feel cheated. Like most people my age. Like perhaps all people who make it to my age. We have finally seen a hint of ourselves, and soon we will disappear, like ghosts or mermaid tails in the wind.

Easter 2025 Musings

This Easter was very reflective for me. This Easter Vigil was the first time I went to Easter Mass at the new church here in our new town.

The church was old, and looked like a giant barn from the 1960s, not exactly similar to the beautiful cathedrals of downtown Toronto. But it was absolutely packed full of people. I was very lucky and got one of the last seats in the house, though I was prepared to stand the whole two hours.

The readings this Easter were about Moses taking the people out of Egypt, and through the Red Sea. This famous passage is something I always take something different from.  

 What stood out to me was the tambourine and the column of fire and smoke.  The joy of the woman Miriam, the prophetess, and the wife of Aaron, takes up the tambourine at the joy of their emancipation. The very real joy of the present moment, not tarnished by the future upcoming, of which there would be many tears, nor the sadness of the past, but only the joy of victory.

And this passage in particular in Exodus:

And in the morning watch the Lord in the pillar of fire and of cloud looked down on the Egyptian forces and threw the Egyptian forces into a panic, ²⁵ clogging^[c] their chariot wheels so that they drove heavily. And the Egyptians said, “Let us flee from before Israel, for the Lord fights for them against the Egyptians.”

In our version it was called 'the pillar of fire and smoke' and I just thought about that, about the fear of something great that can extinguish all life, but instead is leading people away from a life of slavery.  But it was a symbol of great power, of something mysterious and luminous, that defies the natural order of men and kings and armies.  

I also found it mildly amusing that their chariot wheels got clogged.

In the face of great inevitable power, what are we? We are only someone trying to flee the wrath of nature and the man or woman who is our enemy.  And there's no promise of an easy life once we've left a life of oppression. There are only questions, and a sort of natural human nagging and annoyance that we traded a safe life under oppression for a life in the wilderness and the desert.

But I found the two images kind of arrested me: the tambourine, the pillar of smoke and fire. The overwhelming sheer power, the joy and freedom.  Joy and dancing, beside that which is mysterious to us.

 

   

 

Goodbye, to my old college program

Today I went to a farewell party for my old PR program, which is shutting down after many, many years being a program for young professionals to grow.

Many people I knew over the last 10-12 years have done really well for themselves, and I've followed their career fairly closely.  They've been doing really well as directors, managers and coordinators of communications, public relations and marketing. They are hardworking, incredibly smart, dedicated individuals. They've succeeded.

But the Ontario education system has not. Ontario colleges, to fill the gap in funding they took it from international students, which then turned into a housing crisis. which then turned off the international student tap, which then meant colleges are now closing and struggling.

When I started in my program there was maybe 1 or 2 international students.  When the program ended, the mandate for the programs was to bring in as many international students as possible. (Slightly differently worded, but the same outcome for my college program and many similar programs.)

And we can't train only local resident Canadians because then the government shoulders the cost of education at the post-secondary level.   And the cost of real, practical post-secondary education is a problem no government wants to solve or pay for, federal or provincial.

It's expensive to train people. It's expensive to give them a world class education. We are beyond lucky we have the good teachers and good educational systems built into Canadian values.

But the creative programs that're being cut from Ontario's colleges will, eventually, have negative effects.

Where will we train young people before they get into the workforce? Are we going to be returning to unpaid internships and a never ending promise to pay younger employees?

Training costs money. You can't avoid that. And if the government won't address the educational gap that will eventually exist, what kind of quality of work will we have in Canada, which is known as a country of experts and highly skilled and highly trained individuals?  

I'm not all doom and gloom, but it's telling that a full program of students can still shut down because the funding does not exist for what is an extremely modest program with mostly part-time staff and very little corporate costs other than a nearly run-down Degrassi set and some stationary.

It's college programs that will continue to make Canada a great nation; it's great teachers and great ideals that produce the kind of workforce Canadians can be proud of. 

Feeling down today

 I think I read too much news today.  And more importantly, I think I'm just very aware that I live in a time on the verge of war.

It's sad because it's completely unnecessary.  But I guess I don't think like others do.

We have more than everything we need, we just don't have the answer to capitalism, which has gone far and away to drive the absolutely insane choices in the last 5 years. 

I know despair is not the answer, nor do I think everything is at an end, but I do think that it's hard not to feel powerless in the midst of great political upheaval and change.

And I guess I never thought I would be living in the middle of something like that.  I always felt like Canada was one of the safest, most boring places in the world.  I still sometimes feel that way (from a statistical perspective and a societal top-level look).

But it's hard.  It's really hard to be an adult, and it's hard to know now, the truth of how things work.

In times like these, I do look to prayer, and to meditation.  I'm reminded of the prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Lord, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in forgiving that one is forgiven,
it is in dying that one awakens to eternal life.  

I'm still contemplating deeply what it means to be alive in this time, and maybe I'll write more later.

Jesus in the Desert

 Today was a very good homily on Jesus and the temptations in the desert.  Often I find priests do a bad job of this scripture, and kind of waffle, but I really appreciate the homily today because it spoke to the very difficult truth of how hard it was being in the desert. How the devil appeared right when Jesus was weak and had the option to consider what could be possible if he backed down from his beliefs and values.

 As the world of money and Christianity continues to evolve into something strange and unpleasant, I'm reminded this Lent that there are people that are not trying to take over the world, or destroy, but there are people that exist who are building, and trying to continue to build, even in the eye of great temptation.

Gospel, Luke 4:1-13

¹ Filled with the Holy Spirit, Jesus left the Jordan and was led by the Spirit into the desert,

² for forty days being put to the test by the devil. During that time he ate nothing and at the end he was hungry.

³ Then the devil said to him, 'If you are Son of God, tell this stone to turn into a loaf.'

⁴ But Jesus replied, 'Scripture says: Human beings live not on bread alone.'

⁵ Then leading him to a height, the devil showed him in a moment of time all the kingdoms of the world

⁶ and said to him, 'I will give you all this power and their splendour, for it has been handed over to me, for me to give it to anyone I choose.

⁷ Do homage, then, to me, and it shall all be yours.'

⁸ But Jesus answered him, 'Scripture says: You must do homage to the Lord your God, him alone you must serve.'

⁹ Then he led him to Jerusalem and set him on the parapet of the Temple. 'If you are Son of God,' he said to him, 'throw yourself down from here,

¹⁰ for scripture says: He has given his angels orders about you, to guard you, and again:

¹¹ They will carry you in their arms in case you trip over a stone.'

¹² But Jesus answered him, 'Scripture says: Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'

¹³ Having exhausted every way of putting him to the test, the devil left him, until the opportune moment.

Just Making a Note of It - Trade

 I didn't think this would be another year of fascinating world events, but here we are.

I don't have lots of thoughts to post online today, but I'm hopeful for the future.  I'm just sad because a lot of people are going to be hurt because of some really, really bad decisions. 

I wish I had more to say, but internally, I'm just throwing up my hands in the air every 20 minutes.

Spiritual Reflection: Fishing and Failure

The Lord challenges the disciples, after being out all night, and catching nothing, and they catch endless fish.

The feeling of failure and exhaustion is part of our lives, we cannot remove it.  Instead, the Christian message is about the recognition of our inability to be great or perform miracles on our own.

 Instead, even in our inadequacies, God asks us to fulfill our vocations, even in our weaknesses:

  

Luke 5:1-11

Jesus Calls His First Disciples (NIV)

5 One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret,^[a] the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. ² He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. ³ He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

⁴ When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

⁸ When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” ⁹ For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, ¹⁰ and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners.

Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” ¹¹ So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

 

 

Because the talents of the disciples, they were not made to be priests or people who were charismatic, etc.  Jesus called normal people to be the disciples; not the people with most influence.

Even as we, or the disciples, recognize our negativity, our inability, still we are called to be fishers of men.  Great things are possible through the grace of God, but not through our own power.  We need each other, and a new mission will appear to make a good life possible not for the small group of friends or family, but something that is bigger than we can imagine. Even in failure, we rise.

 

Moving

On Feb 1st, we will move.  It's a big milestone for us, and I'm pretty excited.  Not really sure what the future will bring, but excited to start a new chapter.

On the flip side of that...I'm tired, my back hurts, and I've eaten mostly take out for the last three weeks. It's been fun, but I'm ready to get back into a schedule that's a little less full!  I love full days like this, but I also know it won't always be sustainable.

Me now is harder working than I was when I was younger, I think.  Which is funny, since when I was young, I had all the energy but none of the motivation, and now as an adult, I have the motivation, but not always the energy!  You really can't win.

It's sad because I see little things where I notice myself aging.  My body can't take as much punishment as it used to.  I watch a little closer all the small things I should or shouldn't be doing.  It's not a bad thing...just means I'm adult, trying to set myself up for the next 30-40 years of my life.

It's funny because I feel like I barely have a handle on how to be an adult, and yet my body is telling me adulthood is here and middle age, too! 

Lots of dreams for the future, though, even while I contemplate how tough moving can be.

I hope we will be happy, and like where we are.  Hopefully the commute is ok...we are moving father away from work which will be a new challenge.

So far, though, all the painting, repairing small things, packing and interior design stuff has been really fun!  There's going to be a lot to do this year, but I'm looking forward to new experiences and new joys.

 

 

New Years Day

 2024 was a bad year.

Not catastrophically bad, but like, just bad. Not great.

Canadian national identity crumbled over the last year. Our neighbors reelected you-know-who, and we got told we should be a 'singular' state.

My childhood's friend's dad (and basically my uncle) passed. A lot of friends had some tough times this year, and lots of family members were struggling with midlife this year and inflation. Money problems were very real this year.

And my dream that I would have a normal Christmas ever again with my entire family pretty much died this year.  My parents are entering their golden years, and although they like to still host everyone, that time is coming to end.  My brothers and their families are starting to do what any family does, which is turn inwards as they grow older.  This was the first year I ever felt like I was really a bother and not fitting into people's schedules and put in second place by people. I remember there was a time when uncles and aunts stopped coming around, and I never understood why.  Now I understand.

It doesn't mean I love my family any less...but it does mean I understand that things have changed enough for me that Christmas might not be the same for the coming years.  It means that there will be other times that are special times, and I will have to put in a bit more effort to make special memories separate from the way things used to be.  The adage that 'showing up will make a difference!' actually doesn't apply here.

I had some small health problems here and there, and I am starting to feel my age a bit.  Which is normal, but still not great for someone like me who likes to move!

But that doesn't mean everything is bad.

I came to terms with a lot of what the future will look like for the next little while, and I honestly believe my 40s will be my time to work hard, and to explore my career and new opportunities.  I think there are lots of good things coming up in the future, but I'm now a 'real' adult. I feel I have all the problems of real adulthood now, maybe just a little later than some did.

It just means I got more years of happiness and idyllic thinking that the average person.  And I'm definitely mourning the loss of that feeling, but I can appreciate that I had it at all.

I've worked on some cool creative projects, and worked on things that mattered to me.  And there's definitely going to be more of that this year.

But would I say this was 'the best year yet?' no, definitely not.  I have very mixed feelings that I'm still parsing at the end of this year. 

I'm curious to see how I will feel at the end of 2025!  I wonder what it will be like.