You know, I have had a lot of things happen to me this week that have been very failure-like. There have been times when I have, quite literally fallen asleep with my face on the keyboard. (That day was pretty rough. Heh.)
This week I was supposed to have a show go on for a theatre production I'm working with, and it had to be rescheduled because the actor got the flu. Kind of rough when you put on a one-man show. (You kinda need that one man.) This is the second failure-to-launch experience we've had, and it really upset my producer.
I also had a very public disagreement with someone I'm working with. That conversation still makes me shake my head a bit. Sometimes you work with people that are both frustrating, and inspiring. I am sure I looked a little stupid in someone else's eyes, even if it's not my fauly, nor do I understand why this person is frustrated.
But, you know, the way I feel is much, much different now than the way I used to feel. I used to take accusations that people made really personally. And every time I failed I felt like I was a failure, as well.
Maybe part of growing up for me is not taking that kind of failure to the level of my personality. I guess because I have sort of been hit over the head with what constitutes failure versus success so many times over the last year, that I'm sort of starting to get immune to that feeling where you say, "It's all over!" and then pull a Juliet when Act I hasn't even ended.
The one thing I talked to my producer about, and also to myself lately, is that whenever I start feeling like a failure, is that setbacks are not permanent unless you choose them to be. Every challenge is really an opportunity in disguise. Other people can label you, but the only label that matter is the one you put on yourself. I definitely have been wallowing in negativity this week as I question myself, and where my life is going over the next couple years, but those feelings are there to guide me, not hold me back.
In life, there's only one thing you should take personally--and that's your personal journey in life. Everything else is just a stop or a slight detour on the way. I feel kind of proud of myself that I have managed to rise above other people's feelings and events outside of my control. Because, really, in the end, the only thing I can control is my own mental state of mind...and even that's tough.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday night with Derek!
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
TOW: I am The Centre of My Own Universe
You know, my Dad and I talk a lot about 'being the centre of your own universe.'
The funny thing is, even though I understood that concept well, and even though I had applied it in the past, I was, last summer going through a phase where I wasn't the centre of my own universe. I felt like everything that was happening to me was almost like fate--I could only react. Every action I took was not a step in the right direction, it was just a step, after another step, ad infinitum, until Father Time pulled me off stage for one too many bad jokes.
What I have come to realize, as a weird kind of revelation that dawned on me, is that most of what I do is not some sort of fateful production. Yes, sometimes life feels that way because little choices we could never have imagined being important often have fateful (and sometimes regretably horrifying) consequences attached to them. There is no such thing as a little choice in life.
However, the beauty of being the Centre of Your Own Universe is that time is not the centre. Other people are not the centre. The actions that you participate in are the centre. And the more actions you create in the world, good or bad, the more you are keeping yourself at the centre.
I don't know what the future holds, but I can definitely control what I do in the present day, every day, and sometimes the only thing I need to do is detach from other people's expectations, and stop making my self-image be about what other people think. My self-image is my self-image. I deserve to give it some credit because no one is as good at hating yourself and your decisions more than you.
After all, you're the one that has to live with them.
The funny thing is, even though I understood that concept well, and even though I had applied it in the past, I was, last summer going through a phase where I wasn't the centre of my own universe. I felt like everything that was happening to me was almost like fate--I could only react. Every action I took was not a step in the right direction, it was just a step, after another step, ad infinitum, until Father Time pulled me off stage for one too many bad jokes.
What I have come to realize, as a weird kind of revelation that dawned on me, is that most of what I do is not some sort of fateful production. Yes, sometimes life feels that way because little choices we could never have imagined being important often have fateful (and sometimes regretably horrifying) consequences attached to them. There is no such thing as a little choice in life.
However, the beauty of being the Centre of Your Own Universe is that time is not the centre. Other people are not the centre. The actions that you participate in are the centre. And the more actions you create in the world, good or bad, the more you are keeping yourself at the centre.
I don't know what the future holds, but I can definitely control what I do in the present day, every day, and sometimes the only thing I need to do is detach from other people's expectations, and stop making my self-image be about what other people think. My self-image is my self-image. I deserve to give it some credit because no one is as good at hating yourself and your decisions more than you.
After all, you're the one that has to live with them.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
TOW: Time Management
"Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them." ~Dion Boucicault
I think this week I have spent a lot of time managing my own time. And, rather badly I feel. I have had a couple of 20 hour days lately, some of them in a row, and it all kind of came full stop after 14 hours of sleep. I probably could have slept longer, but I made myself get up. No rest for the weary.
Sometimes when things get a little too crazy, when things are really insane and there seems to be no end to work, that's when we seem to appreciate small moments of rest, small things that other people do to us, or for us. Suddenly, someone taking your sandwich from the company fridge is a travesty beyond all means, and someone asking if you want them to pick you up a sandwich from the local sandwich shop makes all the difference. But in each case, it's not because each act is a travesty or a really kind gesture, it's because people who steal sandwiches make up for their misuse of time by stealing yours (and your sandwich). Because you'll now face the ugly prospect of lining up in a cafeteria line for a $7 sandwich.
I have thought a lot about laziness, about what it means to have a healthy life-work balance, about what kind of career path I want to take, and it all comes back to time. Time we have to spent, time that is taken away from us. All opportunity requires time. All failures are often a misuse of the most important resource of all--time.
We only have so much time to give, to spend. Everything always comes back to our mortality, to the choices we make, and to how we choose to use the time we're given. What is a better life...one that is packed to the gills with activity, or a quiet life of contemplation, relaxation and self-enjoyment? What is a better use of time?
There's no easy answer to the way to live your life. But we all have a certain kind of freedom, a certain kind of truth. Everyone has time, even if they have nothing else. It's all dependant on ourselves to how we use it.
I think this week I have spent a lot of time managing my own time. And, rather badly I feel. I have had a couple of 20 hour days lately, some of them in a row, and it all kind of came full stop after 14 hours of sleep. I probably could have slept longer, but I made myself get up. No rest for the weary.
Sometimes when things get a little too crazy, when things are really insane and there seems to be no end to work, that's when we seem to appreciate small moments of rest, small things that other people do to us, or for us. Suddenly, someone taking your sandwich from the company fridge is a travesty beyond all means, and someone asking if you want them to pick you up a sandwich from the local sandwich shop makes all the difference. But in each case, it's not because each act is a travesty or a really kind gesture, it's because people who steal sandwiches make up for their misuse of time by stealing yours (and your sandwich). Because you'll now face the ugly prospect of lining up in a cafeteria line for a $7 sandwich.
I have thought a lot about laziness, about what it means to have a healthy life-work balance, about what kind of career path I want to take, and it all comes back to time. Time we have to spent, time that is taken away from us. All opportunity requires time. All failures are often a misuse of the most important resource of all--time.
We only have so much time to give, to spend. Everything always comes back to our mortality, to the choices we make, and to how we choose to use the time we're given. What is a better life...one that is packed to the gills with activity, or a quiet life of contemplation, relaxation and self-enjoyment? What is a better use of time?
There's no easy answer to the way to live your life. But we all have a certain kind of freedom, a certain kind of truth. Everyone has time, even if they have nothing else. It's all dependant on ourselves to how we use it.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
TOW: The Value of Work
This week has been extraordinarily busy for me. Since I started freelancing 'officially' in my mind, I have been absolutely slammed with work and projects and requests...and I don't even have a website yet! Weird!
In his book, Small is Beautiful, E. F. Schumacher talks a lot of the ethics of work. He notices that there is a difference between working, and 'toiling.' A lot of time, modern economics relies on the idea of toil. We work hard, we need to be efficient! We need to work for the sake of work. In other words, work is toil.
He instead talks about a concept called 'Buddhist Econmics.' Buddhists look for meaning in what they do, so that the value of work is not lost on the human being, and the human spirit. Humanity was meant to work towards activities that express themeslves and their creativity. The economic outcome is that there is no way to 'limit' our work. All we can talk about is expanding, which clashes with the idea of actually thriving:
"The way in which we experience and interpret the world obviously depends very much indeed on the kind of ideas that fill our minds. If they are mainly small, weak, superficial, and incoherent, life will appear insipid, uninteresting, petty, and chaotic. "
I have been thinking a lot about the kind of work that fills my mind lately. It used to be that I took work that made me feel like I was working to provide something I didn't want to provide, and being someone, sometimes that I didn't want to be. I often left a job shortly after that. There's nothing as nice as financial stability...but there's also nothing quite like taking your own path in life. (And those two needn't be mutually exclusive.)
In the future, consider what work makes you happy? What work is a form of toiling? How can you cut back on toiling, to make room for creativity in your work? What projects make you happy? Which ones cause you stress with no benefit?
I am trying to work now for the sake of working well, and being creative. We'll see how far I get.
In his book, Small is Beautiful, E. F. Schumacher talks a lot of the ethics of work. He notices that there is a difference between working, and 'toiling.' A lot of time, modern economics relies on the idea of toil. We work hard, we need to be efficient! We need to work for the sake of work. In other words, work is toil.
He instead talks about a concept called 'Buddhist Econmics.' Buddhists look for meaning in what they do, so that the value of work is not lost on the human being, and the human spirit. Humanity was meant to work towards activities that express themeslves and their creativity. The economic outcome is that there is no way to 'limit' our work. All we can talk about is expanding, which clashes with the idea of actually thriving:
"The way in which we experience and interpret the world obviously depends very much indeed on the kind of ideas that fill our minds. If they are mainly small, weak, superficial, and incoherent, life will appear insipid, uninteresting, petty, and chaotic. "
I have been thinking a lot about the kind of work that fills my mind lately. It used to be that I took work that made me feel like I was working to provide something I didn't want to provide, and being someone, sometimes that I didn't want to be. I often left a job shortly after that. There's nothing as nice as financial stability...but there's also nothing quite like taking your own path in life. (And those two needn't be mutually exclusive.)
In the future, consider what work makes you happy? What work is a form of toiling? How can you cut back on toiling, to make room for creativity in your work? What projects make you happy? Which ones cause you stress with no benefit?
I am trying to work now for the sake of working well, and being creative. We'll see how far I get.
VOW: Acappella Version
I've been searching a lot of accapella (sp?) these days. The first one is an artist (?) a remixer, who does a great job of making mixing an actual song into his own thing. The second one is cute, and the third one is good singing. The fourth one is well, be prepared to be mind-bleeped a little bit. =)
Sunday, January 02, 2011
TOW: Feelin' Alright
You know, I have a lot of things to do this week. And I would like to take up the old adage: "The Devil finds mischief for idle hands."
This is so true.
I can easily say the less I have to do in a week that really challenges me, the less I have to do that makes me think, "Wow, I'm doing the things I want in the way I want," the more I feel bad. I do. I just feel bad when I'm not expressing 'me.' The more time I try to deal with daily details, small things and boring to-do items that grind on my creativity, my personality, I(and frankly) my well-being, the more I feel like ending it all, and taking it all with me. (Hypothetically speaking, of course. I don't actually wish anyone any harm, not even my worst enemies, if such things exist.)
I know that I have to work hard to feel good about the things I do. I think I have been expecting my life to magically right itself when I'm surrounded by things that are constantly draining on me, and not helping me grow as a human being. Thankfully, I have been able to limit a lot of that business, and now I am focusing on the most important thing in the world: Me. And it feels really great. My life was meant to be busy. I was meant to work hard. All the time. I like it. I don't know where I got this idea that I should try and slow things down. Let's speed them up again! =D
How hard have you been working to achieve your dreams lately? What makes you feel inspired? It's funny, it doesn't take much to make me 'feel' successful. I just need to work with people I like, and work hard. That's pretty much it.
Well-being for me is tied to being able to express myself, to create myself, the kind of me I want to be. And I know that there are a lot of things in my life that aren't quite right and that there are a lot of things that never seem to turn out the way I would expect, but I am happy that I am starting to do things the way I want. And, eventually, I will be able to do the things I want, all the time. You know, when I'm really famous!
Then again, maybe that will limit my freedom a bit. Eh heh.
I am happy for all the friends I have in my life, and I'm thinking of you all the time. This year is going to be the best one ever! Believe it!
This is so true.
I can easily say the less I have to do in a week that really challenges me, the less I have to do that makes me think, "Wow, I'm doing the things I want in the way I want," the more I feel bad. I do. I just feel bad when I'm not expressing 'me.' The more time I try to deal with daily details, small things and boring to-do items that grind on my creativity, my personality, I(and frankly) my well-being, the more I feel like ending it all, and taking it all with me. (Hypothetically speaking, of course. I don't actually wish anyone any harm, not even my worst enemies, if such things exist.)
I know that I have to work hard to feel good about the things I do. I think I have been expecting my life to magically right itself when I'm surrounded by things that are constantly draining on me, and not helping me grow as a human being. Thankfully, I have been able to limit a lot of that business, and now I am focusing on the most important thing in the world: Me. And it feels really great. My life was meant to be busy. I was meant to work hard. All the time. I like it. I don't know where I got this idea that I should try and slow things down. Let's speed them up again! =D
How hard have you been working to achieve your dreams lately? What makes you feel inspired? It's funny, it doesn't take much to make me 'feel' successful. I just need to work with people I like, and work hard. That's pretty much it.
Well-being for me is tied to being able to express myself, to create myself, the kind of me I want to be. And I know that there are a lot of things in my life that aren't quite right and that there are a lot of things that never seem to turn out the way I would expect, but I am happy that I am starting to do things the way I want. And, eventually, I will be able to do the things I want, all the time. You know, when I'm really famous!
Then again, maybe that will limit my freedom a bit. Eh heh.
I am happy for all the friends I have in my life, and I'm thinking of you all the time. This year is going to be the best one ever! Believe it!
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