Get Lost Spring!

 I think I am just having one of those weeks.

My allergies are bothering me, I'm not getting enough sleep.  I am officially hitting 'It's spring and I'm over it.'

It's one of the saddest things in life, during a time when it is fun and great weather to be outside, I'm happiest sitting inside, waiting for the season to be over.

The worst part isn't the physical symptoms, it's the mental fog that comes with 2-4 weeks of spring.  Today I zoned out in the middle of multiple tasks....even MORE than usual.  

Sometimes I guess you just have to be miserable.

 

And right now...I feel majorly miserable! 

 

We are in the time for war

Until very recently, we lived in a world of peace.  Not a world that values peace.  A world that had a desire to remain peaceful. And that peace was based on economics, on the kind of wars that allow for another try.  A chance to win even in extreme circumstances.

In January I was filled with a deep sadness, and that lasted into February. It was because I knew a time of war was coming.  The rules of capitalism and the ruling class demanded it.  

And the worst part is, 'normal people' like me feel increasingly sad because regardless of politics, no one asked for this.  From COVID onwards, there has been a clawback from inflation and publicly traded companies to try and get more from people who have nothing left.

As China rises as a country, and as US loses ground, in the middle is everyone else.  And the only way to gain ground for a country like the US is what it always does when the economy is down, which is war. 

 Now we have moments that say it is a time of war:

• Palestinians have been decimated
• Both Canada and Greenland have been considered for takeover 
• Iran is being bombed
• Dubai (and other middle eastern states) are being bombed in retaliation
• The ruling class of Iran has been killed
• Cuba is being starved for resources 

The deepest sadness for me is thinking about how Canadians have everything they could need, and yet we always seem to be less than we could be, as a country.

In the future, I wonder if Canada will exist. I wonder what the world will be in 20 years.  

I'm grateful for all the things I have.  But I only have those things because I live next to the one with the bombs. 

I live a very happy and sheltered life.  My life is full of peace, but I recognize the world is not. And it is not the ordinary person that wants a world at war. 

 

 

Searching for Meaning

 As I get older, I think a lot about different issues, or different concepts, I guess.

 When I young, I was concerned with what was good.

When I was in my 30s, I was concerned with what was political, community and independence.

Now, I think a lot about beauty.

I think a lot about beauty.

 

But not the definition of it, but the experience of it, the ephemeral meaning of glimpsing something just out of view.

Sometimes I look at a plant, and I'm much more drawn in than before.  Sometimes I'm in a crowd in a concert, and I can feel something on the edge of the music that is about the human experience of music, being together, of letting go and being present.

When I think about art, and what an artist tries to create, I think about beauty. What is beautiful, what is something that touches on the divine through images, words, poetry, music, performance.

Because as I'm nearing the end of my 100 book channel I did on my Youtube channel (more videos coming! Many more!) I'm almost done reading some of the hardest and most challenging books that people define as classics in the English canon.

I've started drawing again.  Or more, I suppose, more for fun. I'm rediscovering my own things that I enjoy and find fun in a way I haven't felt in a long time.  I suppose it's the result of me growing up into (somewhat) the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be the kind of person who sees beauty in everything, that finds the moments precious and worth understanding. I want to create my own little pieces of something to share with others for the sake of nurturing and creating understanding between people who feel as isolated as I do, sometimes.

Because in the search for art, for beauty, many times I feel alone, as anyone who wishes they were an artist, and someone understood. 

 

I know now the meaning of life

 Today is my birthday, and it feels good.

 I went to work, had a little mini party, had a 32 oz bubble tea (do not recommend) had lots of laughs with colleagues, got a very nice present from parents and Alex, and went to my dance class.  Lots of plans to see people this week, lots of nice messages and thoughtfulness. 

 Life has changed.  People have changed.  I really feel like this year is a new chapter, especially the past few months.  People are reconsidering what's important, children are growing up.  I had a mental break when one of my youngest nephews let me know he passed his full drivers test and is now driving by himself.

But it's not bad...it's just life.  Life changes even when we don't want it to.  Reality doesn't conform to our dreams. It's the other way around.  Dreams come to reality and become something different than what we expect.

Let me tell you a story. In university, I was secretary for a student council.  I took pretty good notes, but used a lot of shorthand for words.  I went back a couple years ago, and talked to the chaplain who helped run the council. He said, "You know, your legacy is that we all use one or two of the shorthand words you used to use in all of our minutes for our meetings!"

Famous and obscure, that's me.

The things we imagine for ourselves...they rarely come true in a way we expect.  Life is very much a monkey's paw.  Make a wish, get a surprise in how reality unfolds.

This decade, it's a new chapter.  I don't know what it will be.  When I started my career, I saw people as rising stars above me.  Those people are now close to retiring.  Life is a wheel, and we are on it long enough to see the lights as it goes around.  Or at least I have been.  I'm still on the ride, going for another round.

It's been a good yr. Looking fwd to the next 1.   

 

 

 

 

Fencing!

 I had a lot of fun doing a summer fencing camp in July.

 We had a final tournament after 8 weeks, I tied for second place.

 

 

I took fencing in university, and really enjoyed it.  Surprisingly, my knees are not that bad to continue to do fencing.  Instead, it's my lower back and ankles where I sometimes pull a muscle.

It's fun to do activities that I really enjoyed from before and pick them up again.  I think I have a little skill at fencing, and maybe I will take more classes in the future.   

Saying Goodbye to Friend

 

A friend of ours tragically passed away two weeks ago.

It was sudden. There was no cause that anyone knows yet.  As said today during the funeral, it feels like a bad cosmic joke.  A successful, soft-spoken guy that accepted so many different people into his life.

One thing that I think about is that there should have been more time, and the truth is, there's never enough time.

So many things in life don't make sense, and this is one that also doesn't make sense to me.  I still think that it's not real, that it didn't happen, because he was so full of life and drive, and then suddenly not there.

My heart is just aching for everyone who has to pick up the pieces and move on.  

I don't have many words to say, but only a deep sadness for a person gone, but not forgotten. 

The Second Half of Life

You know, nothing irritates me more than those blog posts of 90 year olds saying 'life has just begun for me!'

Because, the numbers don't lie. You have until 100, or less. So after 40, you are half done your life.  

 

I'm over half done my life.  But I don't feel regret about anything particularly.  My regret is simply the same as most people my generation and most people everywhere. I often feel I am frustrated by the circumstances I live in, by the systems, by the missing opportunities that should exist. 

I can imagine what these opportunities are, or would have been, earlier in my life. But they simply weren't available to me.  And, unlike every single self-help video or book in the world, it wasn't something I could obtain. 

The things you know you would do as a young person, as a different person...there are things you could have done, but only if the technology, time, money, environment, people and luck converged. And even if all those things came true, you might still be worse off than you are now.  It's like saying I would be an Olympic athlete, if only I didn't have cancer that took my legs.  No one is bringing back the legs.

There are many things I have tried to do in my life, but I suppose very few things have been successful. The good news is that the things I have been successful at, have led to a stable life for me that I enjoy. That is pretty good.

But I still have a deep hunger for meaning as an adult. And that is not because I don't have direction, aspirations, goals. It's actually the opposite. It's because I know that life and its end are inevitable, that sometimes it feels like every small creative endeavor, every attempt at self-betterment, every attempt to change, seems silly in the face of decay, of self-lessening, of having access to only meager means to increase, advance or surpass expectations.

Because every moment in bettering myself is a moment spent in agony, in purgatory, in wishing to have enough time to be good enough to enjoy what I create and not feel empty.

Because every time I make something for me, and for others, I am emptying myself.  And there is joy in being empty. But being empty requires time to become full again, to have something to express myself with. And time is in short supply as an adult, no matter which path you walk in life.

We have nothing but time. And yet time is never available, not the kind you want, not with everything you need.  But. But....every moment spent doing good is a good moment. In a moment of goodness, we are ourselves.

And that's why I feel cheated. Like most people my age. Like perhaps all people who make it to my age. We have finally seen a hint of ourselves, and soon we will disappear, like ghosts or mermaid tails in the wind.