Another birthday, another year of being an adult

 This year had lots of surprises:

•  My back hurts
• Some foods now bother me when I try and sleep at night
• I can't even look at alcohol sideways without a headache
• My hair continues to disappear and that hair that stays can't decide if it is white or grey
• My skin is aging and I notice it
• I have noticed times when my energy levels have caused me to make mistakes I don't notice until much later 

All superficial body things, but more noticeable every year.

And I feel like this year was a year of thinking about my body.  Suddenly all the coworkers don't look older than me, instead we all look 'similar ages' and we are all trying to manage getting older in our own ways.

I'm not always morose around my birthday, but this year has been a year of 'being an adult.' And I mean that in the best and worst possible ways.  

 Filling out all the paperwork necessary for being an adult. Dealing with family and friend issues that only happen when you're an adult.  Being disappointed and still choosing to love people and respond with love, knowing you could get hurt again.  Having the future revealed to you with little hints about what could be possible, versus things that will never happen again.

I am proud of myself for trying to make the most of this summer. I still am not a summer person. I could care less where the sun goes as long as it isn't nuclear winter. No sun, no problem.  But I spent a lot of time outside.  Most of it doing peasant work that needed doing around the house.

I spent a lot of my time this summer gardening, and it sort of was our hobby this summer, and quite fun. We tried a lot of things, and maybe 25% of them worked, but the 25% that did work, worked well. And it bodes well for next year.  The best thing I planted this year was lemon thyme which grew amazingly. The lavender we grew tried to die, and then eventually found its spirit sometime in August. The mixed potted plants we did thrived. The bush I bought grew a little, it might grow a lot next year if it survives the winter.

The one sunflower that lived to the end of the summer (the birds, rabbit and squirrels destroyed the rest at various life cycles) was just snipped by a squirrel this past Friday, robbing me of my ONE JOY I was waiting for this summer from my garden. >:(

I planted lots of native plants, and allowed certain kinds of native plants that are easy to remove if necessary, which blocked out a lot of the thistle that grew last year.   Sometimes the best thing to grow is the weed that looks the nicest and grows the slowest, and is good for the bees.

I find all my worries are adult worries. I care less than I used to about some things, and more about others. Overall, this year has been lonely in some ways.  But I'm ok with that because there have been times of great joy and blessings, too. 

More than anything I want good things for young people, for people growing up now. It is the one thing I think about all the time, and about how there are so many people my age, and older, who are shaping the world they will get to live in.  And it looks difficult, and that makes me sad. Since we should all be working to make a world where kids can smile.

I have been working on several creative projects, while putting my Youtube channel on the backburner. I'm very nervous about AI, and it is kind of a buzzkill for me creating that kind of video or thought essay on book right now. I'll have to revisit what I do with it in the future.

More than anything, I am just a person trying to evolve and change with what I know it means now, a little more, to be an adult and carry on in life. 

 

Today was Very Good Day

 It's nice to have a day where everything goes right, and you feel sort of in-sync with the world.

 

Today was one of those days....I feel very accomplished and very pleased with myself. 

Midnight Sun

 One of the fun songs of the summer (that was released last year as song of the summer, but it now gaining traction) is Midnight Sun.

 

It's the midnight sun-kissed skin under the red sky
Layin' on your chest like this
Hold me like the pebbles in your hand, initials in the sand, yeah
Summer isn't over yet 

 

Today it is very humid and 30-35 for the next three or four days.  We had friends and family visiting, and we were lucky it was such beautiful weather, and not too hot.

But now it is hot, hot summer weather.

And it makes me think of all those places experiencing severe heat waves and I'm hoping they're ok and make it through it. 

The world is a very hot place, now and for the foreseeable future...but for now here the weather is summery and fun, and feels like the beginning of a true, hot summer.

The time when watching fireworks, or BBQs, or other great events are really quite fun. Summer is a fun season, and I like summer activities, but I think I will always be a fall and winter person most of all.

Get Lost Spring!

 I think I am just having one of those weeks.

My allergies are bothering me, I'm not getting enough sleep.  I am officially hitting 'It's spring and I'm over it.'

It's one of the saddest things in life, during a time when it is fun and great weather to be outside, I'm happiest sitting inside, waiting for the season to be over.

The worst part isn't the physical symptoms, it's the mental fog that comes with 2-4 weeks of spring.  Today I zoned out in the middle of multiple tasks....even MORE than usual.  

Sometimes I guess you just have to be miserable.

 

And right now...I feel majorly miserable! 

 

We are in the time for war

Until very recently, we lived in a world of peace.  Not a world that values peace.  A world that had a desire to remain peaceful. And that peace was based on economics, on the kind of wars that allow for another try.  A chance to win even in extreme circumstances.

In January I was filled with a deep sadness, and that lasted into February. It was because I knew a time of war was coming.  The rules of capitalism and the ruling class demanded it.  

And the worst part is, 'normal people' like me feel increasingly sad because regardless of politics, no one asked for this.  From COVID onwards, there has been a clawback from inflation and publicly traded companies to try and get more from people who have nothing left.

As China rises as a country, and as US loses ground, in the middle is everyone else.  And the only way to gain ground for a country like the US is what it always does when the economy is down, which is war. 

 Now we have moments that say it is a time of war:

• Palestinians have been decimated
• Both Canada and Greenland have been considered for takeover 
• Iran is being bombed
• Dubai (and other middle eastern states) are being bombed in retaliation
• The ruling class of Iran has been killed
• Cuba is being starved for resources 

The deepest sadness for me is thinking about how Canadians have everything they could need, and yet we always seem to be less than we could be, as a country.

In the future, I wonder if Canada will exist. I wonder what the world will be in 20 years.  

I'm grateful for all the things I have.  But I only have those things because I live next to the one with the bombs. 

I live a very happy and sheltered life.  My life is full of peace, but I recognize the world is not. And it is not the ordinary person that wants a world at war. 

 

 

Searching for Meaning

 As I get older, I think a lot about different issues, or different concepts, I guess.

 When I young, I was concerned with what was good.

When I was in my 30s, I was concerned with what was political, community and independence.

Now, I think a lot about beauty.

I think a lot about beauty.

 

But not the definition of it, but the experience of it, the ephemeral meaning of glimpsing something just out of view.

Sometimes I look at a plant, and I'm much more drawn in than before.  Sometimes I'm in a crowd in a concert, and I can feel something on the edge of the music that is about the human experience of music, being together, of letting go and being present.

When I think about art, and what an artist tries to create, I think about beauty. What is beautiful, what is something that touches on the divine through images, words, poetry, music, performance.

Because as I'm nearing the end of my 100 book channel I did on my Youtube channel (more videos coming! Many more!) I'm almost done reading some of the hardest and most challenging books that people define as classics in the English canon.

I've started drawing again.  Or more, I suppose, more for fun. I'm rediscovering my own things that I enjoy and find fun in a way I haven't felt in a long time.  I suppose it's the result of me growing up into (somewhat) the kind of person I want to be.

I want to be the kind of person who sees beauty in everything, that finds the moments precious and worth understanding. I want to create my own little pieces of something to share with others for the sake of nurturing and creating understanding between people who feel as isolated as I do, sometimes.

Because in the search for art, for beauty, many times I feel alone, as anyone who wishes they were an artist, and someone understood. 

 

I know now the meaning of life

 Today is my birthday, and it feels good.

 I went to work, had a little mini party, had a 32 oz bubble tea (do not recommend) had lots of laughs with colleagues, got a very nice present from parents and Alex, and went to my dance class.  Lots of plans to see people this week, lots of nice messages and thoughtfulness. 

 Life has changed.  People have changed.  I really feel like this year is a new chapter, especially the past few months.  People are reconsidering what's important, children are growing up.  I had a mental break when one of my youngest nephews let me know he passed his full drivers test and is now driving by himself.

But it's not bad...it's just life.  Life changes even when we don't want it to.  Reality doesn't conform to our dreams. It's the other way around.  Dreams come to reality and become something different than what we expect.

Let me tell you a story. In university, I was secretary for a student council.  I took pretty good notes, but used a lot of shorthand for words.  I went back a couple years ago, and talked to the chaplain who helped run the council. He said, "You know, your legacy is that we all use one or two of the shorthand words you used to use in all of our minutes for our meetings!"

Famous and obscure, that's me.

The things we imagine for ourselves...they rarely come true in a way we expect.  Life is very much a monkey's paw.  Make a wish, get a surprise in how reality unfolds.

This decade, it's a new chapter.  I don't know what it will be.  When I started my career, I saw people as rising stars above me.  Those people are now close to retiring.  Life is a wheel, and we are on it long enough to see the lights as it goes around.  Or at least I have been.  I'm still on the ride, going for another round.

It's been a good yr. Looking fwd to the next 1.