Recipe: Heart Attack Pasta

I know it doesn't look THAT appetizing, but I promise you, this is the tastiest thing I have made in years! *Also a wee bit salty. Eh heh. Yum* As the disclaimer reads, this is pasta dish with a strong sauce, and if you ever wanted to taste MEAT as MEAT SHOULD BE IN A SAUCE, or if you ever wanted to PROVE TO THE WORLD WHAT A MAN YOU ARE, you should eat this pasta! Brennan recommends it!

Ingredients:

1 package of spaghetti

Sauce:

1 pack of Club House mushroom brown gravy

1/2 can of Campbell's Mushroom Soup

6-7 Slices of bacon

1/2 a medium white onion

garlic

salt

butter

Meatballs:

1.5 pounds of ground beef

crackers or bread crumbs

Steak Spice

Grated parmesan cheese

White Onion

And you can't forget this. This...random soy sauce I found! It's like....fifteen years old!

The best part about this is that when I poured it down the drain, it came out like molasses. (EW.)

The sauce should be on medium heat, and it will eventually look like this.

While it's cooking, gently brown the bacon and onions with the garlic and butter in a pan. It will smell amazing. Don't overcook the bacon. I used 4-5 cloves of garlic, but the bacon is the main flavour, it will easily overpower the garlic. YUMMY.

Oh, and speaking of bacon! I decided to chop the bacon roughly into bits here and there. Don't be too concerned about size or shape, it's for flavour. And bacon grease. =D

Put in a bowl some bread crumbs (or cracker crumbs if you forgot to buy bread crumbs at the store like I did.) and mix in the parmesan cheese and spices. You can add more spice, it just depends on what you prefer! I added less spice because the sauce was looking way good at this point!

Roll out no bigger than dollar-sized meatballs...you won't want something bigger than that. (Speaking from experience.) The smaller they are, the faster they cook. These ones took forever, because I decided to make them huge. (I'm a dummy.)

Now you should add the mushroom soup to the gravy mix, and it'll start to smell really heavenly.

Keep cooking the meatballs! Don't forget about them! Also, make sure that the onions are bacon aren't burning!!! Once it's ready, (you should have had the bacon on a really low heat now) pour the bacon and onions, grease and all into your sauce. YUM.

It'll end up looking something like this. I promise you, the smell is amazing. At this point, you'll have to cook the meatballs for about another fifteen minutes, let the sauce simmer, stirring to keep a skin from forming. At this point, boil the past for 8 minutes, and you have a a meal! Make sure to check your pacemaker after you're finished!

Serves 2 generous portions. Add water for more sauce.

Brennan's...no, wait, Ralph's Cookbook. Sorry.

Yes, again, I have been working on the cooking skills. This time I was doing field research, and, I thought I would share the process with you all, and hopefully you get something really tasty out of this. Ralph and I made dinner one, night, and, actually it turned out to be three dinners, but that's what makes it so great! Love the mess, baby!


Ralph's Triple Threat Meal Deal

1.5 kg (or so) or ground beef (Or, if you're English, 'mince')
2-3 white onions
1 clove of garlic
1 red and green pepper each
8-12 small to medium mushrooms (8 if medium, more like twelve if medium sized)
Lasagna Noodles, no-pre-cook (We used organic-esque healthy pasta shells and lasagna noodles)
Cannaloni noodles, same deal
1 box of frozen spinach...about 2 cup fresh, 1 cup frozen, maybe bit more, depending on preference
3-4 bags of pre-shredded white cheese
salt and pepper
6 cans of diced tomato (normal soup can size)
1 can of tomato paste (for more tomato-y)



Cheese sauce-
flour and water (a roo? reiaux? I don't remember...something french which means something which means you need to look at the picture to understand what I mean. Sigh.)
Milk
1-2 bags of shredded white cheese
Cayenne pepper

1. This is about how much meat we used. Uh, maybe this is more than I thought. I originally put 1 kilo in the recipe, but now I think it's a bit more than that. Anyways, regardless, about as much as you can put in your two hands, that's about how much meat it is. Uh, just guessing.

2. You will now need to cut the onion, garlic, peppers and mushrooms into neat little piles. Or just make a big mess like I did. Ralph is a bit of a kitchen nazi, so while I was enjoying myself making a mess, he was busy asking why the garlic and the onion wasn't chopped yet. And then he asked if I was going to leave any vegetables for the meal, or if I just wanted to eat them all as I cut them. Eh heh. Some things never change, yeah? SO, chop the garlic and onion first (you'll need about 2 onions and three-to four little pieces of the clove of garlic. Wait, is a clove shaped like an apple slice or is it the whole unit of garlic??) and regardless, you'll use it with the meat.

3. Once whoever is the head chef has the said garlic and onion, in this case, Ralph, then throw the garlic and onion in with the meat itself. Cook the meat until browned properly. Now, DIVIDE the meat, two thirds in the pot, one third set aside.

4. You'll need to add some tomato (or, as Ralph would say, some toMAATo. The English. I mean, really.) to the pot, and maybe some spices. Ralph used oregano, salt and pepper some water and some wine. If it was me, I would have used some different spices, and less salt and more pepper. =D You can use any spices you like, but make sure it goes well with meat and tomato...there are lots you can use.

5. In the end, your meat should look like this. Or, if I was cooking, it would look like this, but more burnt and less tasty. The head chef had quality control going on pretty strong, so there were no real issues. This will be divided in two, one part used for a lasagna, one half used for a sphaghetti bolognaise sauce. You'll need to watch and cook the meat and everything on a low to medium heat for about half an hour to forty-five minutes, which means now is a good time to do everything else you wanted to do. Like make a third dish! =D

6. The meat you set aside earlier will now be used. Mix the meat and the spinach, and then stuff the pasta shells with the mix you have, put in the bottom of an oval or round dish until you have filled it, or nearly filled it. And, under no circumstances eat half of it while you make the meal. You'll be heavily criticized. Or, perhaps, criticised. Hah! The English!

7. Next, no picture, simply take a can of tomatoes, and spread it over top, and even out the tomato as best you can. Under no circumstances let someone criticize your skills at spreading tomato evenly on top of a pasta dish. If so, contemplate hitting him with a big wooden spoon, or flicking soapy water at him while doing the dishes.

8. Next the sauce. This is the hardest part, according to Ralph. Cooking the little flour and water dough ball thingy until it's dry, then add some milk, and whip quickly until the sauce goes smooth. The dough ball should be about 1/2 a cup of flour or so, I'm guessing? Ralph says it's very natural for the sauce to go chunky and unhappy, even if you measure well. So, just stir quickly and add milk as it thickens. Ralph made enough sauce for two to three dishes, so he's used about a litre, maybe two litres of milk. Once the sauce is smooth, add cayenne pepper and cheese. Sauce should be an edible meal now. Under no circumstances should you eat half the sauce before eating the meal.

9. Now comes the easy part. Get out a bread-sized pan (So, 2X11, I think, something like that), and fill it with layers of lasagna noodle, cream sauce, and the meat mixture. Just layer it as nicely as you can. Should be fine. (I'm envisioning major crises in the kitchen, if I actually try this by myself. Hopefully it turns out well for others.) =D Take cheese sauce, layer over the cannelloni dish, and then cover both of them with a layer of shredded white cheese. Pop these in the oven for 30-45 minutes, or until somewhat brown on the top at your average cooking temperature, about 350F or 17o-80C. (I'm getting much better with the metric here, by the way.)

10. While all this is happening, take the last third of meat mixture that you still have on the stove, and put the peppers in it, let it cook and simmer, make sure that most of the liquid has drained. If it has, the sauce is ready for spaghetti! Take out the other two when ready, and there you have it!

One! (Spaghetti sauce!)

Two! (Lasagna!)

Three! (Take a big fat guess!)

We ate the lasagna that night, it was fantastic, and I had some of the canneloni today, and I have spaghetti sauce in the freezer. I'm eating well for at least another three to five days! =D =D =D

Well, tonight was the first 'real' night of theatre, so that was nice, and hectic in its own right. I'm getting really near the breaking point, I think, need a little more rest, and I have to be careful about how much sleep I get...it's been a little too little, lately, I think. I've been playing catch-up for a week, and it's still not enough. And I'm not sure I can keep pulling the go out Friday night and stay up past one or two, and get up at 645am to go to work at nine on Saturdays. It's just too much for me to handle, especially given that I have theatre on Sundays and I have a paper due every week until final exams on Mondays and classes until 5pm on Monday, and then 9am class on Tuesdays. It's really just too much. So, more care of myself, maybe. OK, well, I have to go to sleep. Later!

Brennan's Cook Book of Terribly---Good Food!

Yes, yes, it's time for another episode of--hey wait, where are you going? No, come back! I swear this recipe isn't mine!




That's better.



Yes, I came home for Christmas, and my mother, beautiful cook that she is, taught me how to make 2-hour buns. These are pretty killer buns. Not the family secret or anything, (we keep that locked away with a crazy uncle of mine in the basement somewhere, but I digress.) but they are very good. So, here is the recipe for 2-hour buns!



The "Mom makes everything better" 2-hour bun recipe


Ingredients #1:



3c warm water
1/2c of sugar
6 Tbsp oil
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsp fast rising yeast
1 tsp vinegar

Ingredients #2:


9 cups of flour (Oh man, yes indeed, that's a lot)
2 eggs

Some oil and water on the side for later.

1. Combine ingredients and let them stand for 15-20 minutes. My mother, the captain of the whisk, does the job here.

2. Meanwhile, back at the dude ranch...er, meanwhile, you need to sift 9c of flour. You can see how I feel about this. 9 CUPS!!! MAN!!!

3. To sift the flour, you can use anything you like, but we use a sifter that looks something like the Death Star with a green handle.

(I can sort of hear 'Thus Spake Zarusthustra' in the background when I look at this picture.)

Anyways, using a sifter makes a big difference when you make bread-like items, so a good sifter is really handy. You can use a strainer if you don't have a sifter, but be prepared for 9 CUPS WORTH OF GRUELING DEATH. Sorry. Seriously, though, even sifting it was a pain.

4. Now you'll need two eggs, and you'll need to beat them. I COULD make a bad joke, but why beat a dead horse when someone else can do it for you:

I'm so funny.

5. Next you're going to need to put things together. It's not all wet and dry, black and white, there's a little dirty work to be done here! You're going to want to make a little valley for all the wet stuff you have to sit in. Like this:

Now you'll use your hands to slowly build up the dough in this lovely two-part action shot of my Mom being deft with the dough (I feel like that should be dirty for some reason, but I have no idea why):

In the end, you should have a piece of dough that looks like this:

You may have to add more water or flour until you get the soft kind of dough you want. The dough should be QUITE soft, and very pliable. You need to use your wrists to really ply the dough.

6. Next, the dough needs a rest for 30 minutes. Yes, you want to make buns. Yes, you're hungry. Yes, you clearly have too much time and flour on your hands. Regardless, the dough gets tired. So you need to put it in a lightly oiled bowl, and cover it with a towel and put it to bed for a bit sort of like a kid who's had too much candy and has been running in circles yelling "Wee!" all day.

Wait.

That's me.

Never mind. Just oil the bowl already! *Grumble*

Next, my mom, the genius she is, says that you should turn the oven light on, and leave the dough in the oven, so that it doesn't get too cold, and rises well. Seriously, is this something tasty you're about to eat, or a chicken you're incubating for hatching? I have no idea. I'm just the baking assistant.

7. Next, you're going to get bored waiting. So you're probably going to do what I do, and make faces out of the dough. I DON'T suggest you do this. Your mother may smack your hand with a wooden spoon. While this does have some of the nostalgia, it certainly has all of the pain of childhood, with the added embarassment of adulthood.

Even if it's a cute snowman face.

8. Now that the dough has been formed and rested, you need to punch the dough, and basically pretend like you're the Russian guy and the dough is Rocky. It just takes the beats. Thankfully there's not a lot of propoganda associated with your buns, unlike Rocky IV. Anyways, you need to punch it for about a minute or so, and then let it rise again for about 15-20 mins, three times.

9. Once this is done, the 4th rise, you're going to cut the dough into small pieces, and roll them into balls. My mom does this a special way, so I documented it in a three-part action shot. She does this ninja fast, so I'll explain each shot:

-First take a small piece of dough, and gently place it in the fat of your palm

-Next, move your knuckles to the palm of your right hand in an upwards motions, making circles, pressing against your left palm, rotating. Currently, you can hear the sound effects, and they sound like, "BAM! BAM! YOU'RE DONE!"

In the end, you get a near perfect sphere which I have yet to master. Tragic.

10. The oven needs to be heated to 350 degrees F. Put the buns/balls on a tray, like this:

11. Bake them for about 15-20 mins.

And they look like this! Dude, that's a great shot, isn't it? Amazing!

In the end, they should look THIS GOOD. BUT DON'T EAT THEM YET! (I know, I'm terrible, but it's true. They can be even better.)

12. Now lightly brush the tops of them with butter and let them rest for at the bare minumum 15 minutes, and in the end, they will be so tasty, and so professional looking, that you'll want to open your own bakery. Especially because you're so good you know that brushing it with butter makes it so much more tasty.

However, you'll realize just how much time it takes, and you'll think, "Maybe I'll just buy them from the store." But they're good! Trust me! Worth the wait! It makes about 36 buns...I think. I forgot to ask my mom for how many they make, but they're good, dude!

Well, that's it for tonight, I'm going for a run, and then over to Ralph's maybe for supper or a movie or something.

Props to my mom for the recipe. Thanks Mom.