Nothing is quite as iconic in 90s musical theatre for me as the opening chords to the Phantom of the Opera. Those chords foreshadow darkness and uneasiness, combined with an upbeat tempo, that suggests action and adventure. The electric rock sound, contrasted with the operatic dreaminess of the rest of the musical numbers show how different the two worlds of Christine and the Phantom really are. And watching the musical for the first time, in contrast to my first reading of the book, opened my eyes to new ideas on this iconic story.
For those who have never paid much attention to the Phantom of the Opera, it's a classic romance, in which Christine is torn between two male love interests. The Phantom, who has threatened and tricked the theatre management into making Christine a star of the opera, and has fallen in love with her. Raoul, her childhood friend, and benefactor of the opera, has found her in adulthood, and wishes to have a normal courtship with her as times would allow. The Phantom teaches Christine how to sing, comes to her in the middle of the night, and is a creature of dreams and suggestion. In comparison, Raoul is a classic Prince Charming, not a devil of any kind, but a normal hero.
One of my theatre-going companions made the comment that a good Phantom has to be three S's: Scary, Seductive, and Sexy. (She felt this one didn't have all the goods, unfortunately.) And it's true, the whole point of the Phantom is that he is both a sexually appealing man with a mind for great things, and a monster of epic proportions, both physically and mentally.
Seeing the Phantom of the Opera in person, it reminds me that so much is determined by what we look like. If he hadn't been hideous, if he hadn't a horrible disease, if his own family had loved him, if, if, if. I think that's why, even with all his cruelty, we can sympathize with the Phantom. He's a character who should be loved, but is unlovable. It reminded me of how many people play in that world of darkness and magic, where as long as no one shines a light on them, they are mysterious, interesting, and powerful. It is only when they are shown love, that we see them as they are: broken, wounded, and in great need.
Showing posts with label tow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tow. Show all posts
Friday, June 29, 2018
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Ursula K Le Guin
Ursula K Le Guin was one of the authors who inspired me and sparked my imagination, especially in philosophical thinking, at a young age. It's with great sadness that I read of her death today. She was a humanitarian, a feminist, a person who wasn't afraid of speaking her mind.
For a good introduction to her as a person, check out this article.
For her most popular series, check here.
Earthsea is forever a place in my mind, and the battle all of us face with inner darkness and the need to make whole what is inside of us.
Sunday, November 05, 2017
TOW: Tools change, but the world changes very little
You know, when social media tools first came out, I had no idea how important they would be.
I can now say that my desire to focus on being an expert on rising marketing and communication tools was a good lesson in how technology works. Kuhn's theory on paradigm shifts worked in real action for me over the last 8 years or so.
While all of that is true, technology can only take the work of people so far. I have spent a lot of time working with a variety of technologies, and I talk to my friends in separate industries, that often have separate tools working for them that do similar things, but work better within an industry paradigm, with their precepts for language and symbols, different than mine, which are often focused on communication than numbers. (It was put especially well by a wedding guest this weekend, when
she said, "You work with Excel? I'm more of a Word girl myself.")
The kinds of tools change, but really, humans create the same communication errors over and over again. And the more we try and build in 'nanny-like' interference in communication tools, especially online ones, the more that the red tape starts to cause interpersonal errors, and suddenly tools are not tools, but masters.
One of the thing I am struck by, is how much people want strong sets of tools to help them organize, and rule their lives, depending on their industry, and yet most people use the first ones they were introduced to, way back when. (Excel, Word, AutoCAD, etc.) It goes to show how far back our biases for some of the worst tools in the world are.
I feel like this is a subject I could write a whole book or perhaps a chapter of a book about, but I'll stop here with a thought: Online tools come with a price to time spent in other ways. Most of the time, these tools can be helpful over time. But they are often extremely labour intensive at the start. And one has to ask if these tools will help, or hinder people, depending on the makeup of the team.
I can now say that my desire to focus on being an expert on rising marketing and communication tools was a good lesson in how technology works. Kuhn's theory on paradigm shifts worked in real action for me over the last 8 years or so.
While all of that is true, technology can only take the work of people so far. I have spent a lot of time working with a variety of technologies, and I talk to my friends in separate industries, that often have separate tools working for them that do similar things, but work better within an industry paradigm, with their precepts for language and symbols, different than mine, which are often focused on communication than numbers. (It was put especially well by a wedding guest this weekend, when
she said, "You work with Excel? I'm more of a Word girl myself.")
The kinds of tools change, but really, humans create the same communication errors over and over again. And the more we try and build in 'nanny-like' interference in communication tools, especially online ones, the more that the red tape starts to cause interpersonal errors, and suddenly tools are not tools, but masters.
One of the thing I am struck by, is how much people want strong sets of tools to help them organize, and rule their lives, depending on their industry, and yet most people use the first ones they were introduced to, way back when. (Excel, Word, AutoCAD, etc.) It goes to show how far back our biases for some of the worst tools in the world are.
I feel like this is a subject I could write a whole book or perhaps a chapter of a book about, but I'll stop here with a thought: Online tools come with a price to time spent in other ways. Most of the time, these tools can be helpful over time. But they are often extremely labour intensive at the start. And one has to ask if these tools will help, or hinder people, depending on the makeup of the team.
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
TOW: Self improvement
You know, the hardest thing about working on a business idea is not the idea itself, but where you're going to find everything you need to make an idea successful. I'm still working on business stuff, but now I am more working on myself...and the things I need to do to be better at what I do and who I am.
I have been reading a book which says research shows us that successful people are mostly successful because of their beliefs, and often in spite of their character flaws, some of which are quite damaging.
Lately I have been examining my beliefs, looking for my flaws. I often thought I had a good handle on them, but these days I wonder if I have been doing things that get in the way of me being successful.
I can't say I've gotten very far with this thought but definitely far enough to know I have some work to do personally. I think there's part of me that needs improving on..even if it's in small ways.
I have been reading a book which says research shows us that successful people are mostly successful because of their beliefs, and often in spite of their character flaws, some of which are quite damaging.
Lately I have been examining my beliefs, looking for my flaws. I often thought I had a good handle on them, but these days I wonder if I have been doing things that get in the way of me being successful.
I can't say I've gotten very far with this thought but definitely far enough to know I have some work to do personally. I think there's part of me that needs improving on..even if it's in small ways.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
TOW: Changes
You know, it seems like most people in my life are having working crises. Either their jobs are changing, or their job is turning into something that they didn't expect.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of us are into 'career' style jobs, and the question that always comes after a certain amount of time, is 'what am I doing here?' Is this really the life I want?
I think we all feel the ticking of the clock, and most of us wonder, what more could we do? Are we making the mark we want to make?
I often wonder, too, am I making the mark that I am meant to be making? Is there more good I could be doing in the world, and if so, in what way?
I think all we can do is muddle through, and look for those bright spots. Life never goes the way we plan it to go. We all wish we could be billion-dollar successes, most of us won't be. Those of us who will be probably never expected to be. Heck, most of us just want a steady paycheck and a smile on our face 3/4 of the year. Most of us would settle for that and a bit of peace of mind.
Life is hard.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that most of us are into 'career' style jobs, and the question that always comes after a certain amount of time, is 'what am I doing here?' Is this really the life I want?
I think we all feel the ticking of the clock, and most of us wonder, what more could we do? Are we making the mark we want to make?
I often wonder, too, am I making the mark that I am meant to be making? Is there more good I could be doing in the world, and if so, in what way?
I think all we can do is muddle through, and look for those bright spots. Life never goes the way we plan it to go. We all wish we could be billion-dollar successes, most of us won't be. Those of us who will be probably never expected to be. Heck, most of us just want a steady paycheck and a smile on our face 3/4 of the year. Most of us would settle for that and a bit of peace of mind.
Life is hard.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Oppression
I am currently reading The Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. It's a harrowing read for me, as it mirrors so much of what happened to me as a young kid, and so much I got to avoid because this revolution happened for me, and in many ways, without me.
I often wondered if I would be a activist when I grew up. Growing up in a rural place (and trust me, Saskatoon in the 90s was a rural place), being gay meant being oppressed. You grew up with two choices: be an accidental activist or be in the closet for life.
Many times, when having fights with my mom about my sexuality, I wondered if I should leave home. If push came to shove, I would have left without a second thought. Because I knew if people weren't going to accept me for me, then I needed to accept me, and that was more important than anything else. Nothing else mattered to me at that age.
The idea of freedom didn't seem that important to me as a young man; I was free because I thought I was free. But you can only be free if you can imagine a world that accepts you. In 1950-70, being a homosexual meant poverty, loss of job, friends, everything. You couldn't count on the police, they were the ones beating you in the street. Religious people (and religions) said you were going to hell. Parents were expected to abandon and forsake you. I can only imagine where many of those people are now.
In this day and age, you wonder: how can we be so far from unity, and yet we profess progress? How can people believe that some people are inferior to others, just because they are different. I think it's very understandable that sometimes, you'll feel uncomfortable around people that are different than you. But that doesn't mean you're bad; it just means it's hard to be around things that are different.
Somewhere along the way people began to show courage. There began a new idea; an exciting idea that people could be proud of who they are. Pride is a term you don't understand until you realize what you have to lose, walking in broad daylight.
Gay people, and many minority communities, don't want special rights. They want to feel like they have a place in the world. It doesn't have to be a special place, a better place. It just needs to be a place where they don't feel hurt, just to exist.
I often wondered if I would be a activist when I grew up. Growing up in a rural place (and trust me, Saskatoon in the 90s was a rural place), being gay meant being oppressed. You grew up with two choices: be an accidental activist or be in the closet for life.
Many times, when having fights with my mom about my sexuality, I wondered if I should leave home. If push came to shove, I would have left without a second thought. Because I knew if people weren't going to accept me for me, then I needed to accept me, and that was more important than anything else. Nothing else mattered to me at that age.
The idea of freedom didn't seem that important to me as a young man; I was free because I thought I was free. But you can only be free if you can imagine a world that accepts you. In 1950-70, being a homosexual meant poverty, loss of job, friends, everything. You couldn't count on the police, they were the ones beating you in the street. Religious people (and religions) said you were going to hell. Parents were expected to abandon and forsake you. I can only imagine where many of those people are now.
In this day and age, you wonder: how can we be so far from unity, and yet we profess progress? How can people believe that some people are inferior to others, just because they are different. I think it's very understandable that sometimes, you'll feel uncomfortable around people that are different than you. But that doesn't mean you're bad; it just means it's hard to be around things that are different.
Somewhere along the way people began to show courage. There began a new idea; an exciting idea that people could be proud of who they are. Pride is a term you don't understand until you realize what you have to lose, walking in broad daylight.
Gay people, and many minority communities, don't want special rights. They want to feel like they have a place in the world. It doesn't have to be a special place, a better place. It just needs to be a place where they don't feel hurt, just to exist.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
TOW: Learning from mistakes
Fast forward to today, when I was part of a planning committee that helped launch Portico Network in a 'media ready' kind of way, life is a lot different. I am surrounded by interesting, intelligent people. And I managed to fix similar errors before they blew way out of control. I would like to say I've learned from my mistakes, but I think it's more accurate to say that I know what to look for, and to look for it constantly when under tight timelines and pressures.
One of the videos I created for this event is a culmination of work between me and very overworked, top-tier graphic designer. I storyboarded the entire thing, scripted it, she animated and designed the look and feel, and I hired the narrator and cut the video as well as did all the timing and music. It was an extremely collaborative effort.
I'm really proud of being able to do things like this in my career path. It's moments like this that make me super happy....creating things that are fun....at least fun for me....and well received by people who want products like these.
I will probably make many more mistakes in the future..but I'm looking forward to gaining experience in my industry of choice, and doing my best to provide the best possible to those around me. =)
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Thought of the Year: Return
This holiday season has been, for me, a return.
I think this year is going to be a big year of change for me. A lot of important change. I can feel it...some work changes, some lifestyle changes, hopefully some positive changes, maybe some big changes...but I want it to be interesting...good, fun, challenging.
Coming back home this year has made me realize I have certain values that I need to reaffirm, relationships I need to mend and revisit. Part of me that I need to rediscover. A little bit of amor fati, if you will.
But I also think there's some things I need to give up. Some things in my life I need to change. Some parts of me I need to revisit and rebuild.
I'm doing an inner journey to remember who I was, when I was younger, so that I take those best parts to the future.
If anything, this has been a year of 'return' to return to who I could have been and knowing that what I could be, can't be, until I start making some big, positive, real change in my life.
I think this year is going to be a big year of change for me. A lot of important change. I can feel it...some work changes, some lifestyle changes, hopefully some positive changes, maybe some big changes...but I want it to be interesting...good, fun, challenging.
Coming back home this year has made me realize I have certain values that I need to reaffirm, relationships I need to mend and revisit. Part of me that I need to rediscover. A little bit of amor fati, if you will.
But I also think there's some things I need to give up. Some things in my life I need to change. Some parts of me I need to revisit and rebuild.
I'm doing an inner journey to remember who I was, when I was younger, so that I take those best parts to the future.
If anything, this has been a year of 'return' to return to who I could have been and knowing that what I could be, can't be, until I start making some big, positive, real change in my life.
Thursday, September 03, 2015
TOW: Freedom
I've heard the word free a lot lately. An evangelist in chinatown was saying, "I know God! I'm free! Free from religion! Free from capitalism!"
A homeless man as I passed him (and Syrian refugee protest today), said, "More things need to be free! Like gum. And love! THEN WE'LL BE HAPPY."
I'm not sure what love and gum have to do with each other, but perhaps one day I'll learn the secret.
As I walked by both men, (perhaps the former more than the latter) there seemed to be a slightly misplaced understanding of freedom. One that I'm quite partial to some days, but overall I think is flawed.
Freedom is not a concept of being loosened from responsibilities, needs, difficult people, etc. Freedom is not being freed from something so that we can do as we please. Freedom is the freedom to be. To act.
And freedom is not a concept that lives by itself, within us as an ultimate mover. It must be cultivated by other virtues to exist in us. And a society built of responsible people, is one that can choose religion, that can have an economic system and be happy (indulging, to an extent) and still be free.
There is no freedom without responsibility. Freedom without a place in the world is not freedom at all. It's aimlessness. Neither human morality nor human society at large benefit from aimless individuals. These people will never find love. Nor gum.
A homeless man as I passed him (and Syrian refugee protest today), said, "More things need to be free! Like gum. And love! THEN WE'LL BE HAPPY."
I'm not sure what love and gum have to do with each other, but perhaps one day I'll learn the secret.
As I walked by both men, (perhaps the former more than the latter) there seemed to be a slightly misplaced understanding of freedom. One that I'm quite partial to some days, but overall I think is flawed.
Freedom is not a concept of being loosened from responsibilities, needs, difficult people, etc. Freedom is not being freed from something so that we can do as we please. Freedom is the freedom to be. To act.
And freedom is not a concept that lives by itself, within us as an ultimate mover. It must be cultivated by other virtues to exist in us. And a society built of responsible people, is one that can choose religion, that can have an economic system and be happy (indulging, to an extent) and still be free.
There is no freedom without responsibility. Freedom without a place in the world is not freedom at all. It's aimlessness. Neither human morality nor human society at large benefit from aimless individuals. These people will never find love. Nor gum.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
TOW: Reading books that reflect your life
Sometimes books find us.
When I was younger, I used to peruse Coles bookstore, looking for a book that spoke to me. And believe me, I looked through nearly every book, trying to find 'my kind of books.' And it wasn't always apparent to me which ones were 'mine.'
Some stories never have, and never will, speak to me. I was just recounting to my friend Liz how I dropped the book The Luminaries within the first 30 pages. I didn't realize, when I first started reading it, just how bored I get with certain fiction genres. (I definitely feel like bored town gold rush and stories focusing on mining or oil don't interest me.) She was sympathetic in many ways. I am sure she feels that way about many books I recommend to her. Probably at least part of the reason our attempt at a book club failed. (Note: Room is not a nice novel to have as a first book club novel. Child abuse doesn't really appeal to some people as a conversation topic.)
I used to be in love with Mercedes Lackey. She was everything to me. I read and re-read her novels. The Sword of Knowledge was one that I kept coming back to. (Even though she was a co-author with another person, her voice came loud in clear in her style of writing) In no way, was there ever an actual, physical sword that had magical powers within the book. I kept wishing for it to be there, though. Each reading, I looked again, to see if I could find the Sword of Knowledge, somewhere within in the pages. It wasn't until many years later, with much reflection, that I realized that the sword was knowledge. The book was actually about magicians, people with weak arcane powers that in all honesty, were more scientists than magicians. And that made them powerful. Knowledge was more than power, it was a weapon, and it was often the character who used it as a weapon was the one that was least expected to use it as such.
For years, I have been looking for magic in the real world, not unlike the character in the book I am currently reading. The Magicians, by Lev Grossman. When I was younger, I found it in fantasy novels. When I matured a little, I found it in God. When I faced adversity as I became older, I found it in myself. The main character goes through many phases of unhappiness, and is often left questioning his own existence, even when he has nearly all the power in the world.
I sometimes feel that I have all the power in the world, and nothing to do with it. I have time. I have opportunity. And yet I do not find what I need to find and I am not becoming the kind of person I need to be. Like in The Magicians, the main character feels like he constantly misses the mark (and often he does). Because even with all the power in the world, it doesn't mean that life turns out like a certain kind of fairy tale.
And that's because as often as you choose stories, those stories choose you. You make choices, decisions in your life, and yet no matter what, we have narratives that we weave through those stories. When I was really down during my early twenties, I found The Alchemist. When I was discovering who I was in high school, I was in love with The Catcher in the Rye. When I decided to do a master's thesis in philosophy, I was attracted to the very antithesis of my desires in Augustine. And I became that antithesis while trying to think through a difficult problem in my life, and within the sphere of reason and religion. I am still thinking in that sphere, as a fallen human being, one with a chaotic, sinful nature requiring grace.
Though we cannot always choose which books, which stories, which tales and fables will make us who we are, many of us struggle against the monotony of daily tasks to realize something different than is displayed to our five senses, something real and tangible, yet not necessarily affecting our direct lives.
It's often these kind of stories that keep us safe, keep us warm at night.
When I was younger, I used to peruse Coles bookstore, looking for a book that spoke to me. And believe me, I looked through nearly every book, trying to find 'my kind of books.' And it wasn't always apparent to me which ones were 'mine.'
Some stories never have, and never will, speak to me. I was just recounting to my friend Liz how I dropped the book The Luminaries within the first 30 pages. I didn't realize, when I first started reading it, just how bored I get with certain fiction genres. (I definitely feel like bored town gold rush and stories focusing on mining or oil don't interest me.) She was sympathetic in many ways. I am sure she feels that way about many books I recommend to her. Probably at least part of the reason our attempt at a book club failed. (Note: Room is not a nice novel to have as a first book club novel. Child abuse doesn't really appeal to some people as a conversation topic.)
I used to be in love with Mercedes Lackey. She was everything to me. I read and re-read her novels. The Sword of Knowledge was one that I kept coming back to. (Even though she was a co-author with another person, her voice came loud in clear in her style of writing) In no way, was there ever an actual, physical sword that had magical powers within the book. I kept wishing for it to be there, though. Each reading, I looked again, to see if I could find the Sword of Knowledge, somewhere within in the pages. It wasn't until many years later, with much reflection, that I realized that the sword was knowledge. The book was actually about magicians, people with weak arcane powers that in all honesty, were more scientists than magicians. And that made them powerful. Knowledge was more than power, it was a weapon, and it was often the character who used it as a weapon was the one that was least expected to use it as such.
For years, I have been looking for magic in the real world, not unlike the character in the book I am currently reading. The Magicians, by Lev Grossman. When I was younger, I found it in fantasy novels. When I matured a little, I found it in God. When I faced adversity as I became older, I found it in myself. The main character goes through many phases of unhappiness, and is often left questioning his own existence, even when he has nearly all the power in the world.
I sometimes feel that I have all the power in the world, and nothing to do with it. I have time. I have opportunity. And yet I do not find what I need to find and I am not becoming the kind of person I need to be. Like in The Magicians, the main character feels like he constantly misses the mark (and often he does). Because even with all the power in the world, it doesn't mean that life turns out like a certain kind of fairy tale.
And that's because as often as you choose stories, those stories choose you. You make choices, decisions in your life, and yet no matter what, we have narratives that we weave through those stories. When I was really down during my early twenties, I found The Alchemist. When I was discovering who I was in high school, I was in love with The Catcher in the Rye. When I decided to do a master's thesis in philosophy, I was attracted to the very antithesis of my desires in Augustine. And I became that antithesis while trying to think through a difficult problem in my life, and within the sphere of reason and religion. I am still thinking in that sphere, as a fallen human being, one with a chaotic, sinful nature requiring grace.
Though we cannot always choose which books, which stories, which tales and fables will make us who we are, many of us struggle against the monotony of daily tasks to realize something different than is displayed to our five senses, something real and tangible, yet not necessarily affecting our direct lives.
It's often these kind of stories that keep us safe, keep us warm at night.
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
TOW: Love
A friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. It was surprising; they were a good couple and seemed happy together.
But my friend Sarah (who is now happily married with a baby celebrating her birthday yesterday) once said to me: "No one can really know what goes on in a relationship except those two people." And I have thought about this a lot since that moment. And I have seen that phrase proven true, time and time again.
Love is not easy. And sometimes, for some people, love is not enough. Because you might want more from someone else than just love. You might want a house, or kids, or money. You might want acceptance from their family, or for them to accept your family for the way they are.
Not all loves are the same. Some are romantic, some are familial, some are friendships. And not all loves come in the same shapes or sizes.
Most importantly, sometimes you love the person more than the other person loves you back. And that can be hard to realize and wrestle with.
But the beautiful thing about being in love is that you can hope for the better, for the best that can be.
And in all my relationships, of every kind, I hope for the best, every day.
Sunday, August 03, 2014
TOW: Loneliness
Did you know that some of the loneliest people are the ones in a committed relationship? A recent study showed that 62.5% of the people who reported loneliness were married and living with their partner. (Can I find the link to that study? Nope. But, hey, the internet is probably right about that, eh?)
Sometimes people we love make us feel lonely. They are being dismissive, they have been unfeeling and uncaring, they have done something unexpected that upsets our daily routines.
Sometimes we feel insecure, and it seeps into our relationships. Who knew that in a world of 7 billion people, you could feel lonely and insecure?
I suppose I am going through a rather insecure phase myself. A lot around me is changing…my friend Robert moved to Ireland, and I am missing him. My friend Derek moved to Calgary…I miss him too. My friend Elizabeth is plotting a move to Calgary to live. Anyone else getting the theme of 'love me and leave me' here? Hello??? Is this thing on???
Ahem.
Life is tough….you build something up that makes you happy, and then suddenly, it's gone again. You look for good things, and instead, you find sadness. We often look under rocks hoping to find jewels, and instead are disappointed with the muddy underside of what we've uncovered, especially when we look closer and critically at our relationships. Disappointment can lead to loneliness. But disappointment is just part of the story.
Every love we have will hurt. No friendships is perfect. No romantic relationship, no love is perfect. And it's stupid, and we wonder why we bother in the first place, and we wish that hard ball of pain inside of us would go away. And we wait and wish and we hope, and sometimes if we're lucky, we can smile again.
No one can feel my emotional pain. Only I can feel it. And this separation, this individuality of pain, it makes us unique. It is our story. And sometimes, that story can make us lonely.
Sometimes people we love make us feel lonely. They are being dismissive, they have been unfeeling and uncaring, they have done something unexpected that upsets our daily routines.
Sometimes we feel insecure, and it seeps into our relationships. Who knew that in a world of 7 billion people, you could feel lonely and insecure?
I suppose I am going through a rather insecure phase myself. A lot around me is changing…my friend Robert moved to Ireland, and I am missing him. My friend Derek moved to Calgary…I miss him too. My friend Elizabeth is plotting a move to Calgary to live. Anyone else getting the theme of 'love me and leave me' here? Hello??? Is this thing on???
Ahem.
Life is tough….you build something up that makes you happy, and then suddenly, it's gone again. You look for good things, and instead, you find sadness. We often look under rocks hoping to find jewels, and instead are disappointed with the muddy underside of what we've uncovered, especially when we look closer and critically at our relationships. Disappointment can lead to loneliness. But disappointment is just part of the story.
Every love we have will hurt. No friendships is perfect. No romantic relationship, no love is perfect. And it's stupid, and we wonder why we bother in the first place, and we wish that hard ball of pain inside of us would go away. And we wait and wish and we hope, and sometimes if we're lucky, we can smile again.
No one can feel my emotional pain. Only I can feel it. And this separation, this individuality of pain, it makes us unique. It is our story. And sometimes, that story can make us lonely.
Friday, May 16, 2014
TOW: Unexpected Surprises
It's funny how humans plan things. Woody Allen said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans."
One time, when having a conversation with my friend Brennan and his mother, she mentioned that her second son, Emerson, was a 'surprise.' I had to think about that for a bit and it made me pause….how can pregnancy be a surprise? And yet, when you think about it…even when planned, pregnancy is a surprise. Happy or not-so-expected. Life is surprising, right from the start. And when you think about it that way, you'd think more people would be excited by the unexpected. And yet, we spend most of our lives trying to plan for the unexpected, to be well prepared for things we could never know beforehand, and try and guess what is right and what is wrong.
Why do we make plans? Why do we care so much about the future?
I think we understand patterns happen in our lives. We understand that some people are good, some are bad…some situations and events frustrate us, and some make us happy. We look at new people, at new situations, at new things we have not encountered and think, "Ah, this is just like that one time…" We can look at life without newness, with an eye that says, "Aha, I understand what is happening here. I see patterns."
But then…it's God's laughter. Because the older and wiser we get, the less likely we're able to deal with unexpected surprises because we think we have seen so much, we think we have seen it all.
And some people stop living, and only accept patterns as what is 'acceptable.'
We don't know it all and we can't predict it all. And those who wish they could become the most unstable in times of crisis.
I think there are times when we are overwhelmed, when we don't know how to deal with situations that surprise us. Becoming old is the idea that we want to stop being surprised, we want life to get easier for once, instead of harder. We want to know that the future is going to be alright.
But we can't know that.
In the end, we will only be able to reflect on how we reacted to the unexpected, not to what we would have done, had we known. Because we never will.
The best thing we can do is live for the right reasons, be who we are for the reasons we believe in. We could become rich and happy, we could become poor and sick.
But it's probably not what we were expecting, was it?
One time, when having a conversation with my friend Brennan and his mother, she mentioned that her second son, Emerson, was a 'surprise.' I had to think about that for a bit and it made me pause….how can pregnancy be a surprise? And yet, when you think about it…even when planned, pregnancy is a surprise. Happy or not-so-expected. Life is surprising, right from the start. And when you think about it that way, you'd think more people would be excited by the unexpected. And yet, we spend most of our lives trying to plan for the unexpected, to be well prepared for things we could never know beforehand, and try and guess what is right and what is wrong.
Why do we make plans? Why do we care so much about the future?
I think we understand patterns happen in our lives. We understand that some people are good, some are bad…some situations and events frustrate us, and some make us happy. We look at new people, at new situations, at new things we have not encountered and think, "Ah, this is just like that one time…" We can look at life without newness, with an eye that says, "Aha, I understand what is happening here. I see patterns."
But then…it's God's laughter. Because the older and wiser we get, the less likely we're able to deal with unexpected surprises because we think we have seen so much, we think we have seen it all.
And some people stop living, and only accept patterns as what is 'acceptable.'
We don't know it all and we can't predict it all. And those who wish they could become the most unstable in times of crisis.
I think there are times when we are overwhelmed, when we don't know how to deal with situations that surprise us. Becoming old is the idea that we want to stop being surprised, we want life to get easier for once, instead of harder. We want to know that the future is going to be alright.
But we can't know that.
In the end, we will only be able to reflect on how we reacted to the unexpected, not to what we would have done, had we known. Because we never will.
But it's probably not what we were expecting, was it?
Sunday, January 26, 2014
TOW: Living the dream
Yesterday is but today's memory, and tomorrow is today's dream.
-Khalil Gibran
What does it mean to have a dream? What if you didn't have any?
I have been lucky enough to accomplish many of my dreams. I have a career path, and a great job with great coworkers. I have an enormous amount of education, and I have surrounded myself with good-hearted people. Pretty lucky, I am! =)
But luck did get me to where I am today, hard work did. I worked hard for most things I have in my life, and made good use of opportunities presented to me. I made my own luck, and circumstances often paid off for me. I am goal-oriented, and darn it, I accomplish goals on a regular basis! Go me!
But sometimes you can't help but wonder…what's next? I'm an adult, I've made my way, now what? Where's the checklist? *frantic searching*
It was with my grandfather's death that my perspective changed. I thought of all the things my grandfather accomplished, and while I was sitting near his bedside, I contemplated that most of those things didn't happen while he was 'checking things off a list' or 'being goal-oriented.' It wasn't his goal to meet Charles Schultz, and have him be a personal friend. That just sort of 'happened' as he was living the life he wanted live, playing hockey and travelling through the States. And, universally, most of the things that happen to us in life 'just sort of happen' and we don't plan them. Scary thought for someone like me, who needed that road-map!
Sometimes we accomplish our dreams, our goals. That can leave us feeling empty because we don't always have something to replace that dream with. And what we don't realize is that we're not supposed to get a new goal or a new dream immediately. We're supposed to live our life. And the beauty of life is in living our dreams, not accomplishing them. We should all hope to sustain a feeling of happiness in our day-to-day lives because 'getting somewhere' in life doesn't mean each destination is a rest stop to somewhere else. It means that we go to a destination to be there. We have dreams so that we can live them, not so we can constantly searching for something else, something so-called better.
So live your dreams. It's a dream worth having.
-Khalil Gibran
What does it mean to have a dream? What if you didn't have any?
I have been lucky enough to accomplish many of my dreams. I have a career path, and a great job with great coworkers. I have an enormous amount of education, and I have surrounded myself with good-hearted people. Pretty lucky, I am! =)
But luck did get me to where I am today, hard work did. I worked hard for most things I have in my life, and made good use of opportunities presented to me. I made my own luck, and circumstances often paid off for me. I am goal-oriented, and darn it, I accomplish goals on a regular basis! Go me!
But sometimes you can't help but wonder…what's next? I'm an adult, I've made my way, now what? Where's the checklist? *frantic searching*
It was with my grandfather's death that my perspective changed. I thought of all the things my grandfather accomplished, and while I was sitting near his bedside, I contemplated that most of those things didn't happen while he was 'checking things off a list' or 'being goal-oriented.' It wasn't his goal to meet Charles Schultz, and have him be a personal friend. That just sort of 'happened' as he was living the life he wanted live, playing hockey and travelling through the States. And, universally, most of the things that happen to us in life 'just sort of happen' and we don't plan them. Scary thought for someone like me, who needed that road-map!
Sometimes we accomplish our dreams, our goals. That can leave us feeling empty because we don't always have something to replace that dream with. And what we don't realize is that we're not supposed to get a new goal or a new dream immediately. We're supposed to live our life. And the beauty of life is in living our dreams, not accomplishing them. We should all hope to sustain a feeling of happiness in our day-to-day lives because 'getting somewhere' in life doesn't mean each destination is a rest stop to somewhere else. It means that we go to a destination to be there. We have dreams so that we can live them, not so we can constantly searching for something else, something so-called better.
So live your dreams. It's a dream worth having.
Friday, January 10, 2014
On Tuesday, my grandfather died
A lot of my family posted on Facebook about my grandfather, photos, some of his humour and mannerisms, and there was an outpouring of public support from friends and family. I couldn't really bring myself to read the comments, or even some of the things that my family members posted. I was upset at the time...and being away from family doesn't make it easier....it makes it harder. And I can't be there....because the airport in Toronto has shut down because of weather related problems. I called my dad, my grandmother....they understand...but it doesn't make it easier. I want so much to be with them, to give my dad a big hug, to sit with my grandmother when she cries, to give her my shoulder if it will help, to smile if it will ease the pain.
I have been very lucky to have grown up with not two, but three amazing parents who love me and want me to grow up to be an upstanding individual. I have been born into a family of love, a family of people who are not drug addicts, gambling addicts, in jail, or otherwise fallen into the various social pits of society, never to escape. I come from a family of winners. I look forward to seeing our families succeed and support each other as we grow up into the future.
I am now an adult; I am no longer blind to the weights that adults bear during difficult times. Difficulties faced in happiness, in illness, in misunderstandings...in the passing of missed opportunities, of ones that are missed. Now is one of those times. I miss my grandfather, because he was family, and I loved him. I wish I had more words, more words that could be something, something that means something to me.
My dad and my grandmother displayed the kind of strength I hope one day I might have. The strength to love when love is hard, the strength to persevere, especially when not all is right. It is easy to be kind when life is easy. It is not easy to be kind when life is cruel, and circumstances are final. It is hard to believe in God, to love what is good and right and true when the people you love are constantly in a world where nothing seems good, right or true. Where every light is but a little dimmer, squandered in the face of consequences of living, and being born to die again. In those kind of days, happiness and goodness only come up for air to show that they still exist, not that they have come to stay for a season. They only appear as a contrast to the difficult times ahead. The difficult times faced by those who choose love. To love and be loved. To lose. But to gain again, as the cycle of life continues. And happiness can begin again.
My grandfather and I share a name. Both a family name and his first name. I have always felt strongly connected to him as the grandchild to carry on his name, though he was a man of few words. He and I rarely spoke, though we did spend time together....and if we did speak, unsurprisingly, it was me doing most of the talking. I was grateful....grateful for the time I was able to spend with him as a teenager, as a young adult. I know that not everyone gets to know their family. I know that my grandfather and I were very different...but I loved him all the same. And I know he was surrounded by people who loved him as he passed. And I am thankful to still have those amazing, caring people in my life.
Sunday, January 05, 2014
TOW: Stages
Every life has stages.
When I was younger, I was lucky enough that I got to live the stages of my life the way I wanted. I had both time and energy to do the things that interested me. I got to have extracurriculars, I never worried about food, or about not having things kids should have at my stage of life. In other words, I had everything.
Now, at 30, things are different. My stages of life don't match other people's. And none of us really are on the same 'path.' Sometimes they just intersect.
It was easy in high school....in university. You found people like you, and even if they weren't the same, they had similar ideals, you could talk about similar things, you could discuss 'ideas.'
As an adult, I am often too busy, and people are too preoccupied to discuss ideals and ideas. We are swept away in practical concerns, often of the kind to make a better society, in our own little ways. We are all working the adult work of creating a history in our lives that mean something.
My life stage doesn't match the one that society puts forward for me. I don't have a young family, I don't have a house, and I don't have anything to show for a 'legacy' that I am building. In other words, I seem to either a) be in a special kind of life phase b) be stuck in a life phase that some people transitioned out of in their twenties.
I know, though, is that there will be new marriages, births, deaths, divorces (unfortunately), and new families, growing out of new situations, new stages of life for new people. Love and life, life and love. And then again, these stages.
I know you can't always get what you want in each stage of your life...but it's good, I think to enjoy what you have while you have it.
When I was younger, I was lucky enough that I got to live the stages of my life the way I wanted. I had both time and energy to do the things that interested me. I got to have extracurriculars, I never worried about food, or about not having things kids should have at my stage of life. In other words, I had everything.
Now, at 30, things are different. My stages of life don't match other people's. And none of us really are on the same 'path.' Sometimes they just intersect.
It was easy in high school....in university. You found people like you, and even if they weren't the same, they had similar ideals, you could talk about similar things, you could discuss 'ideas.'
As an adult, I am often too busy, and people are too preoccupied to discuss ideals and ideas. We are swept away in practical concerns, often of the kind to make a better society, in our own little ways. We are all working the adult work of creating a history in our lives that mean something.
My life stage doesn't match the one that society puts forward for me. I don't have a young family, I don't have a house, and I don't have anything to show for a 'legacy' that I am building. In other words, I seem to either a) be in a special kind of life phase b) be stuck in a life phase that some people transitioned out of in their twenties.
I know, though, is that there will be new marriages, births, deaths, divorces (unfortunately), and new families, growing out of new situations, new stages of life for new people. Love and life, life and love. And then again, these stages.
I know you can't always get what you want in each stage of your life...but it's good, I think to enjoy what you have while you have it.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I had a great thought today
And found out that I had plagiarized from a play I have never read.
The thought was about moderation, and how I don't love that particular rule because it can lead to some social problems I find common in literature I read, and so I thought, "The reason I don't like the rule of everything in moderation is because even this rule needs to be moderate. We need the rule of moderation in moderation."
Less than an hour later, I find this in an internet article comment:
"Somewhere in Greek myth or drama, there's a scene between Artemis & Apollo that goes something like this:
Artemis: Brother, you are always going on about "everything in moderation", but very time I turn around, you're chasing a nymph around my forests! What's the deal?
Apollo: Dear sister, there must indeed be everything in moderation… including moderation."
There is a great ancient quote that I can only vaguely remember, and it goes something like:
"If anything great is written, it was first written by me."
Le sigh.
The thought was about moderation, and how I don't love that particular rule because it can lead to some social problems I find common in literature I read, and so I thought, "The reason I don't like the rule of everything in moderation is because even this rule needs to be moderate. We need the rule of moderation in moderation."
Less than an hour later, I find this in an internet article comment:
"Somewhere in Greek myth or drama, there's a scene between Artemis & Apollo that goes something like this:
Artemis: Brother, you are always going on about "everything in moderation", but very time I turn around, you're chasing a nymph around my forests! What's the deal?
Apollo: Dear sister, there must indeed be everything in moderation… including moderation."
There is a great ancient quote that I can only vaguely remember, and it goes something like:
"If anything great is written, it was first written by me."
Le sigh.
Sunday, December 01, 2013
TOW: A Good Neighbour
"And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
Matthew 22:38-40
You know, I have had the chance to think about community a lot this week and weekend. November has been a month for meeting new people, for reconnecting with old friends, and just thinking about the kind of people I want in my life in the future. Recently, I have had the good fortune to meet a lot of great people in the neighbourhood where I live. And it brings me back to think about something that has been missing from my life for a while now, and which, I never realized other people my age and older wanted. Which was a sense of community.
I'm a little tired from the long day...but it was nice to connect with a couple people who lived in my building....and it was good to think of the future...and to think there would be good people in it.
I have been spending a lot of time looking for volunteer opportunities which match my desires to do good for those around me. But what I suppose I realized this evening is that there are opportunities to do good everywhere, and that people used to have communities before they had charities. Charities only exist because communities fail, or don't exist at all.
Our neighbour is not a stranger; our nieghbour is someone who needs us, and needs us intimately. Life is very hard as it is, and living only in a relation of one-to-one, in a relation of what I want and getting it...that's not a life.
In the coming days, I hope that I can be a good neighbour to those in the sense that I belong, and I make an effort to belong to something and somewhere, while still being myself.
Matthew 22:38-40
You know, I have had the chance to think about community a lot this week and weekend. November has been a month for meeting new people, for reconnecting with old friends, and just thinking about the kind of people I want in my life in the future. Recently, I have had the good fortune to meet a lot of great people in the neighbourhood where I live. And it brings me back to think about something that has been missing from my life for a while now, and which, I never realized other people my age and older wanted. Which was a sense of community.
I'm a little tired from the long day...but it was nice to connect with a couple people who lived in my building....and it was good to think of the future...and to think there would be good people in it.
I have been spending a lot of time looking for volunteer opportunities which match my desires to do good for those around me. But what I suppose I realized this evening is that there are opportunities to do good everywhere, and that people used to have communities before they had charities. Charities only exist because communities fail, or don't exist at all.
Our neighbour is not a stranger; our nieghbour is someone who needs us, and needs us intimately. Life is very hard as it is, and living only in a relation of one-to-one, in a relation of what I want and getting it...that's not a life.
In the coming days, I hope that I can be a good neighbour to those in the sense that I belong, and I make an effort to belong to something and somewhere, while still being myself.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
TOW: Being a good person is hard
I have had a bit of an epiphany this week.
Being a good person is difficult. But it's not difficult for the reasons I used to think it was difficult.
I think I used to think being good was difficult because I felt like I was a lighthouse being battered during a storm...I was in a waking nightmare of 'bad.' And it took restraint to remain good. It was a case of break versus win...and to win was only to weather a storm, not to win.
The reason it is so hard to be good, I think, is because being bad, acting badly, does not feel bad. We judge ourselves good, always. Even when we curse ourselves, we still think ourselves better than other people. But if we are truly being good, it is nearly untenable. It is a storm to be weathered.
We have eyes made for the dark, not for the light. Good things, not unlike a painting, are more pleasant the farther we are away from them; it is the illusion of what good means to us from far away that contributes to being bad. The 'light' of good things is gentle when we are far from good.
To be good means to burn, to be bad means to bask pleasantly in the idea that we are good people; good people as we do terrible things to ourselves and to other people. As we break moral laws and codes, we still think we're good.
Being bad, most days, feels nice. Being good, however, is work.
Being a good person is difficult. But it's not difficult for the reasons I used to think it was difficult.
I think I used to think being good was difficult because I felt like I was a lighthouse being battered during a storm...I was in a waking nightmare of 'bad.' And it took restraint to remain good. It was a case of break versus win...and to win was only to weather a storm, not to win.
The reason it is so hard to be good, I think, is because being bad, acting badly, does not feel bad. We judge ourselves good, always. Even when we curse ourselves, we still think ourselves better than other people. But if we are truly being good, it is nearly untenable. It is a storm to be weathered.
We have eyes made for the dark, not for the light. Good things, not unlike a painting, are more pleasant the farther we are away from them; it is the illusion of what good means to us from far away that contributes to being bad. The 'light' of good things is gentle when we are far from good.
To be good means to burn, to be bad means to bask pleasantly in the idea that we are good people; good people as we do terrible things to ourselves and to other people. As we break moral laws and codes, we still think we're good.
Being bad, most days, feels nice. Being good, however, is work.
Sunday, November 03, 2013
TOW: Possessed
Happy Halloween!
This week I'm thinking about possession. Not the kind that refers to people's property. But, rather; demonic possession.
Last week I attended a talk between several authors on possession, authors who had all written about the subject of inner demons. The talk was ok, but I became more interested in the topic of demonic possession that is common in myths from way back when.
Demonic possession is something that goes back to the first days of the Bible, both Old Testament and new (the demon tormenting Saul, Jesus and the possessed pigs.) and even before then, I suppose we would look Hindu texts.
Demonic possession became somewhat of a subject in the New Testament and Hellenic times, and since then, demonic possession has taken on its own kind of culture and mythology, separate from any one particular religion, though its modern origins in English-speaking culture are definitely from Catholicism, and exacerbated by Baptist thinking and the like. In other words, it began with the New Testament, and it took on a folk mythology within Christianity that developed its own legs. It's very creepy to look into old cases of demonic possession.
Another thing I have to say, before I get into a personal reflection, is that when I think about 'demons' in my own life; I'm going to speak about it in a religious way, but philosophically, I'm interested in the consequences (actions, ethics) as well as the religious experience (feelings, experiences).
I don't particularly want to recount the very stupid things I have done, but during those moments, I definitely felt like I was tempted, sorely tempted in the way that is described in the Christian tradition. And I was wondering today, in a very reflective manner, if perhaps I had been possessed by something during these very moments that I am most embarrassed by.
However, there have been times when I have felt 'possessed by goodness'. It's funny that in both cases, it's not just feelings that accompany the acts that follow it, but specific kinds of imagery in the mind, and certain kinds of desires, something unusual to my normal self.
And so, I wonder if someone can be possessed by God in the same way that demons are said to possess human beings. And I don't mean in the sort of speaking tongues tradition; I mean in the sense of grace. Do the saints that exist and have existed; were they possessed as well in a way?
Philosophically, I have a problem with the idea of doing good without freely choosing it, but religiously, I'm interested in the idea that God would take such a personal interest in us, as to 'possess us' with goodness. Does a saint 'possess' goodness because they are possessed by it? Is goodness a trait...or is it a result of actions? Is goodness a trait like blue or brown eyes, or is it more a result of the action and intentions of an individual? Is it metaphysics or is it ethics? Can it be both if we are possessed by good or evil forces? Could it anything but metaphysics?
I have to think about it.
This week I'm thinking about possession. Not the kind that refers to people's property. But, rather; demonic possession.
Last week I attended a talk between several authors on possession, authors who had all written about the subject of inner demons. The talk was ok, but I became more interested in the topic of demonic possession that is common in myths from way back when.
Demonic possession is something that goes back to the first days of the Bible, both Old Testament and new (the demon tormenting Saul, Jesus and the possessed pigs.) and even before then, I suppose we would look Hindu texts.
Demonic possession became somewhat of a subject in the New Testament and Hellenic times, and since then, demonic possession has taken on its own kind of culture and mythology, separate from any one particular religion, though its modern origins in English-speaking culture are definitely from Catholicism, and exacerbated by Baptist thinking and the like. In other words, it began with the New Testament, and it took on a folk mythology within Christianity that developed its own legs. It's very creepy to look into old cases of demonic possession.
Another thing I have to say, before I get into a personal reflection, is that when I think about 'demons' in my own life; I'm going to speak about it in a religious way, but philosophically, I'm interested in the consequences (actions, ethics) as well as the religious experience (feelings, experiences).
I don't particularly want to recount the very stupid things I have done, but during those moments, I definitely felt like I was tempted, sorely tempted in the way that is described in the Christian tradition. And I was wondering today, in a very reflective manner, if perhaps I had been possessed by something during these very moments that I am most embarrassed by.
However, there have been times when I have felt 'possessed by goodness'. It's funny that in both cases, it's not just feelings that accompany the acts that follow it, but specific kinds of imagery in the mind, and certain kinds of desires, something unusual to my normal self.
And so, I wonder if someone can be possessed by God in the same way that demons are said to possess human beings. And I don't mean in the sort of speaking tongues tradition; I mean in the sense of grace. Do the saints that exist and have existed; were they possessed as well in a way?
Philosophically, I have a problem with the idea of doing good without freely choosing it, but religiously, I'm interested in the idea that God would take such a personal interest in us, as to 'possess us' with goodness. Does a saint 'possess' goodness because they are possessed by it? Is goodness a trait...or is it a result of actions? Is goodness a trait like blue or brown eyes, or is it more a result of the action and intentions of an individual? Is it metaphysics or is it ethics? Can it be both if we are possessed by good or evil forces? Could it anything but metaphysics?
I have to think about it.
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