Halloween 2024

 

September Long Weekend and Growing Up

I think it's pretty normal to think about the start of a new decade and where it's going.  Especially when you're relaxed and in a quiet place for a long weekend.

And where is my life going?

I feel very much that as much as I have tried, and actually really succeeded in planting good things and good events in my life over the last year of 40, but I still feel something missing for me.  And maybe I'll be able to put my finger on it, but I guess I feel like a failure in many things that I wish I was a success in. And most of that change is about the people around me changing as we grow older...because there's no stopping the march of time.

It's something I feel very seriously about a loss of connection between people I care about...and not everything is something I can control or contribute to.  Sometimes it is simply that it is part of what life is.  Some of life is embers, some of life is a roaring fire.

And maybe being in 40-50s is about orienting ourselves to something other than youth. Because I have heard more 'I used to do that' or 'My back is killing me' or 'This is my new medication' this year than I thought possible.  (And I was prepared for quite a lot of it!)  

And I think the curtain has been pulled back a bit for me on the mysteries of aging.  Some of those things are not mysteries about what they are and how they will unfold.  It's now something I discuss with my friends who are 10-20 years older than me.

But my question is always: Who will we be in 5-10 years?  I hope I can have a life full of laughter and love still, and that there's still good moments coming the future to brighten a day or a week or a month.   

Because sometimes I think that I understand love, and I understand where I am going, and then suddenly I find, I have been spun around, and I don't recognize the surroundings of where I am, or why I am, even though the people in my galaxy are the ones I have always known.  Sometimes the world spins me, and sometimes I wish I had the power to spin well with it.

Where will we be in 10 years?

While I don't write about politics a lot, I am thinking about political issues a lot, as these are the kind of headlines I see:

 

• Economy posed to be in biggest bubble possible
• Immigration numbers won't meet needs of failing birth rate in North America
• Climate change causing wildfires and flashfloods in areas never seen before
• Unemployment rising for 16-24 year olds
  

 

When you see things like this, you wonder what can be done?  What can possibly be the future for younger generations?I already worry about myself and people my age, and still we have enough for now...but what about in the future?

 I thought when I grew up, I would be part of a vibrant group of people my age 'making it' and I'm kinda starting to feel like no one is making it these days, not really. 

I'm somewhat worried for the future.  People my age have no idea how we can progress to build wealth and some people younger than us are just giving up all together on wealth building.  They don't see a future where that's possible.  Where can there be a future where young Canadians see the world with hope and possibility?

I know this is a bit doom and gloom compared to my usual blog posts, but I do worry about the state of things, and I really wonder where we will be in 10 years.

Panty Bliss and the History of Drag

 Went with several friends tonight to a drag show with activist and comedian drag artist Panty Bliss.  I didn't know anything about her, but most people seemed very excited that she was visiting.

Apparently she's a big deal in Ireland, which is kind of like saying that you're a big deal actor on a Canadian tv show.

Panty Bliss was one of the spokespeople for Ireland becoming the first country every to legalize gay marriage by popular vote and win by a 65% vote.  She describes herself as someone who is a not-perfect spokesperson, and someone who grew up with a lot of anger and defiance, and considers herself more punk than spokesperson.  Listening to her on stage, you wouldn't believe it, as she's incredibly well-spoken.

But the comedy show had a very serious undertone, which was that the art of drag is slowly becoming Ru-ified, which is to say that drag queens are entertainers and the reason people go to gay bars.  But Panty Bliss had a comedy show that was also a very honest look at gay history: drag queens didn't exist to entertain; they existed to tell other people fitting in wasn't the point, and they didn't need anyone's permission.

Panty's recollection of gay rights, and of gay-bashing, gay suicide and also of men and women (and trans men and women) who lived in the closet or left Ireland because they were truly outcasts resonated so strongly with gay men and women that I knew growing up.  Being gay in Western Canada (and in most places in Canada) wasn't a death sentence, but it wasn't a way to live, either.The things Panty talked about were things I remembered as a young man.

I hope that young people today, can find ways to learn about queer history before it disappears...because I grew up experiencing it, and the world that was described as Ireland in the 1980s, was the world I grew up in.

Ice cream for Spring

 For Alex's birthday, he got a Ninja Creami (which is a terrible name for a good ice cream machine).

We have been making different flavors for the past few months.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 You can't really tell, but some of these flavors worked well, while others were a total bomb.  (I'm looking at you, cinnamon roll!)  But the strawberry (second attempt, anyways) and the pinapple-orange ice cream turned out really excellent.

It's been quite fun to make ice cream ourselves, we were discussing this with our friends Mike and Sarah....they have a professional ice cream machine and they have been working on the basic flavors and agree the simpler the flavor choice the better the result.  Apparently they make a wicked coffee ice cream.

My allergies have actually been manageable this year, which I'm very thankful for.  Unfortunately, it's the long weekend in May and Alex is working, and I'm sick at home with some kind of super cold, so I have been mostly bed-ridden for the last four days.

 

It's given me lots of time for reflection as I feel like this year is definitely a year seeing a lot of people change and circumstances, change, especially me.  I wonder what my life will be like in 10 years (If I manage to live that long.)

 

I worry about the wars in the Middle East and in Ukraine, and I worry about how I'm supposed to be effective as an adult sometime/most of the time.  

 

It's been wild and fun, parts of this year, but then there's been times of extreme quiet, and it feels like a bit of an odd back and forth.

 

But it's good, it's sort of giving me some time to reflect on new routines, and different things I'm interested in doing this year. 

 

Anyways, that's all for now, back to laying down and not having energy!

 

 

 

March-ing on!

Had an interesting conversation in my 1-on-1 with my manager today...lots of changes in our department, hard to say where things will go.  I feel like I will have a lot of change at work in the next 2-3 years.

Contacting several real estate agents, trying to figure out who we are going to work with, it's a bit of a struggle, but I'm learning as we go.

I have lots of 'maybe' on the horizon, but it's hard to put into words how strange it is to have no idea what's coming next.  I think the pandemic conditioned me to expect every day to basically be the same! 👀

I have been putting off doing a new list of goals or to-dos for the near future, because I feel like my life is going to be very different by September, so it's hard to plan ahead and think 'I'm going to have time/energy/money to accomplish some of these things.'  Perhaps I'm affected by a bit of decision paralysis, at least until things calm down a bit.

I'm starting to feel like a senior in my workplace, which is a nice feeling, but also everyone is suddenly younger than me!  It's a lot to deal with. 

Overall I'm pretty happy right now.  Alex and I have a good routine going, we are working on small creative projects here and there and trying to find time to organize fun adventures and experiences.

Here's a fun photo of Alex and I skating

February Already

 Whew!  So much time has passed, and yet January felt very slow. 

I have been reading less than I want (for pleasure and for my Youtube channel) because I have been learning a lot of new information for work on how research works in our department through various projects and working groups.

My brain has been pretty full this month!  But it's been a good thing. 

I feel that 2024 is just a year of change.  Lots of trying to figure out where I'm going, where other people are going....it's definitely a year of trying to make sense of the next 4-5 years.  

Alex and I are talking about moving potentially into the GTA.  We'll have to see where we land!

 

 

New Year's Eve 2023

 

 

 

 

First photo of 2024.

Last video of 2023

I learned a lot of things this year.  Some things that happened:

• I worked another year at my job, and it went pretty well
• Alex and I lived together for a full calendar year
• Liz got a job and moved to Saskatoon
• Karl got enrolled to be a police officer
• My parents (both sets) are figuring out how to 'do' retirement the way they want
• My niece was in the Nutcracker with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet
• I think I have found out more about how to be a good adult this year, probably more than the last few years where life was on pause
• I went to concerts!
• I turned an 'important' age, although it doesn't really feel like it.
• I watched inflation change pretty much everyone's life

 

Life keeps changing, and some things get harder, but some things have come with experience, and that's a net positive.  Overall 2023 had a lot of positives, which make me hopeful for 2024.

 

A Poem

A Magpie in Flight

 

If I die and when I die, 

I hope my heart bursts with stars.

I hope the children with kites and caterpillars

See my constellation true.

 

And if I die and when I pass, 

My soul might visit Mars.

A warring planet of hope and mystery

So that the adults could know I who I was at the last

And if I fall, and when I die,

Might my eyes be opened,

The light that strays like wanton ribbons

From devil's grasp to angel's heels

From earthly wants to history, defined.

 
And as I live, and while I live,

May the forces of time not concede

That I was a man, a lonely man

A bitter man of greed.

 

A birthday post

It's that time of the year again...my birthday.  It's a milestone birthday which is good.  But it's definitely been a year of ups and downs.

I tend to get moody around big birthdays, and go from being really happy to really melancholy.  I am an extremely lucky person with decent health and a good partner and a job and stable place to live.

But around birthdays (much like this one) I sometimes dwell on what I have versus what I wish I could have. Certainty in the future, removal of stress from rising costs, adult decisions, and changing relationships with friends and family.

Life is not easier as you get older.  "I think that I could have done more this year," that's what I always think almost every year.  I think about what I would do if there was two or three of me.  There is never enough time, and that's the thing that's always so tricky...time is tricky.

A reading on my birthday.

First Reading: Colossians 1: 21-23

21 And you, whereas you were some time alienated and enemies in mind in evil works:

22 Yet now he hath reconciled in the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unspotted, and blameless before him:

23 If so ye continue in the faith, grounded and settled, and immovable from the hope of the gospel which you have heard, which is preached in all the creation that is under heaven, whereof I Paul am made a minister.

As I reflect, this Bible reading is very apropos for my birthday: because there have been moments of great darkness, thinking about the future, and being alienated is certainly a feeling I feel, the older I get.  I have come to realize I am an adult, I am no longer just a young person who can get away with doing as he wants, nor is that the kind of person I envision for myself.  

But one thing I have learned through this year, in the face of great nihilism: faith is central to everything that I do, and that is my mantra going forward into my adult years.  The mistakes I make are my own, but the good that I do in the world is a fundamentally through something greater than me.  What is good, what is real in this small blue world is about something other than me.

So, even in a year with great mistakes and many moments that were both sad and hopeful, I'm looking to the future.  I still feel there are great moments in time waiting for me.  There is much more good to discover in the world.

Niece's Graduation trip in pictures

                                      

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was a really fun trip...but also tiring!  And sometimes feeling my age.  I don't recommend anyone over 35 going to a high school graduation!  Some highlights:

• Buying my nephew a bubble machine
• Fishing and getting caught by the lake cops 
  
• Buying a new suit that fits me well
• Spending time with each of my brothers and sister's in law doing summer activities
• Being scratched by Tyler and Tammy's stupid pitbull :/
• Alex catching a cold and feeling terrible
• Visiting Kevin and Cheryl after they had COVID (Once they were clear)
• Seeing my Grandma Vita

 

Alexia and Zac Brown Band Concert

This was my first live concert in a long time!

 

 

The place was packed, but we got there in plenty time to enjoy the VIP seats.  Thank you Alexia for the free concert.

 

 

 

 

It's funny because a year ago I couldn't imagine myself going to a live outdoor event like this and now I'm thinking about all the fun things I want to do that are big events that I have missed out on (just like everybody else!) for the last two years.

 

It got me excited for all the fun musical things that I could do in the future.  I love seeing live music and just dancing (badly!) along to the music.

 

They played some great tunes...everything from their normal hits to Harry Styles, Pink Floyd, Weezer....it was a lot of fun!

March 26 Lenten Reflection: Lazarus in the cave

I listened to a Lenten sermon on death and evil as part of my Lenten reflection yesterday (on top of the sermon I heard at church).  They were both very different.

The church readings I heard had a different feeling than the sermon I listened to.  The readings in church were joyful, and a sense of what was coming: the end of Lent.  An end to fasting, the beginning of the rising from the dead, both in season and in eternal life.

The Lenten sermon on death was perhaps a reflection on the priest's state of mind.  He had just returned from his mother's funeral, and when he spoke about Lazarus coming back to life as one of the miracles of Jesus, it probably had some personal significance in relation with his family life.  Indeed, it was a deep and moving reflection on the language of the Bible and the language of the apostles.

There is a tension in the Bible, in the old testament, which is still a challenge for Christians: how do you make sense of the world of suffering of Job, in light of the wisdom and advice that promises doing good will end in good things for you as a person?  How do you understand the relationship of evil in this world, which can seem to triumph in many circumstances, with Job being the perfect example? 

Because Jesus opened up the eyes of the blind man, he rolled away the burial stone, and brought someone back to life, and probably Jesus could have done many more miracles.  But how many miracles remove the evil of mankind?  How many things that the crowd that follow Jesus seem good, how many more miracles are required for repentance?

 And when I say repentance, I mean how can we turn away from evil, and towards good unless we are contributing something towards the good of the world to-be.  I read a very good novel recently, called Half-A-Soul, which commented on the problem of systematic evils, of historical evils that are too big for one person, too big for one moment in time.  It is only our ability to right small evils in front of us, to sew up and connect the broken and frayed strings in our own lives.  

And I think Jesus comes to a similar answer for us.  Jesus did not come to wave a magic wand, to solve all problems immediately. Indeed, there is a system in place for goodness to thrive, but it is not immediate, because the system of goodness itself is not for gratification.  Neither for the gratification of the crowd or the individual does the goodness of God exist: instead, salvation is an experience that can only be found in broken spirits, in quiet moments within the storm where God resides.  Because God did not come to gratify or to make us grateful, but to save.

March 18 Lenten Reflection: Samuel's search for David

Today is the 4th Sunday of Lent, and one where we slowly approach the Easter mysteries.

The readings today are about the Samuel searching for the king of Israel, David, and Jesus healing the blind man.

Samuel is an interesting character in the Bible narrative.  A child of the tribe of Levi, his pregnancy was a miraculous pregnancy, and his name means 'The name of God.'  Samuel would go on to be the judge of many people and problems, and the last.  For Samuel was sent by God to find who would be the King of Israel, and he found David, after Jesse presents his seven sons as worthy to be king, Samuel asks if there is another, and when David appears, Samuel knows David will be the beginning of the line of kings, into the New Testament.  And when Samuel anoints David with oil, "the spirit of the LORD rushed upon David" and from that point on, his life changed, and he had his first true experience of God.

In the New Testament reading, Jesus cured the blind man on the Sabbath.  And the Pharisees, who were suspicious of Jesus' miracle (perhaps rightly so) said that performing miracles on the Sabbath is a sin. But the crowd replied 'How could a sinful man have cured this man?"  And I take from this what the crowd really meant was 'How could it be a sin to make a man whole again and restore his life?"

And the Pharisees denounced this miracle, and the family of the one who was blind, so that they were thrown out of the temple.  Jesus meets them on the road, and says to them:

"I came into this world for judgment,
so that those who do not see might see,
and those who do see might become blind."

And at this point, Jesus is saying that he plans to upend the structure that currently exists in the world, and he is pointing out the problems that exist in the temple:

 Some of the Pharisees who were with him heard this
and said to him, "Surely we are not also blind, are we?"
Jesus said to them,
"If you were blind, you would have no sin;
but now you are saying, 'We see,' so your sin remains.


All of this connects very well, to today' second reading, which is Eph 5:8-14:

Brothers and sisters:
You were once darkness,
but now you are light in the Lord.
Live as children of light,
for light produces every kind of goodness
and righteousness and truth.
Try to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
Take no part in the fruitless works of darkness;
rather expose them, for it is shameful even to mention
the things done by them in secret;
but everything exposed by the light becomes visible,
for everything that becomes visible is light.
Therefore, it says:
"Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will give you light."

 

And here the darkness and light imagery (which has caused much trouble and confusion throughout Christian history and doctrine) are used to explain sin, seeing, and blindness.  For the ones who sin are blind to the truth, and the ones who are anointed, are listening and following the calling of God, shall see.  And the process of seeing involves a kind of spiritual learning of know what is pleasing to the Lord and what is not.

I was particularly taken with the second reading today, and felt it's complexity as it was read.  Because part of exposing things to the light is not to speak of them, or to argue people or activities that are fruitless, but instead to focus on what produces a spiritual harvest.

March 12 Lenten Reflection: The Water of Eternal Life

 Today's reading focused on the Samaritan woman by the well, which is one of my favourite scripture readings of all time.

Perhaps the reason I like it the most, is that it's a dramatic piece of history.  The woman he meets is someone who has had many husbands, and lived with many men.  But Jesus doesn't condemn her, he only asks for water to drink.

This is a peculiar interaction because Jesus was breaking several social taboos to speak with her.  And the woman was probably an outcast.  She was a Samaritan, who Jews did not normally associate with (sort of a social norm of the day, I suppose) freely.  If he was someone important, he would have thought her beneath him.

Her conversation with Jesus went from being quite suspicious of Jesus' intentions, to asking other people to come see the prophet that was in town. She was never cynical or rude to Jesus, but to me this is one of the most interesting conversations in the New Testament.  It shows Jesus speaking with someone who has a lot on her mind, and perhaps might be considered a modern woman in her community, someone who was maybe a little different than the women in her community. (After all, she was on man number 6, you have to respect that tenacity to find the right one...I'm going to assume they were divorced as opposed to not alive.)

 But the description of the water in this passage, and the wording of this passage is one that is the basis for many songs and poetry:

"Every one who drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst; the water that I shall give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

And this description is in the middle of his banter with this woman, who gave some serious answers, and some not-so-serious answers.  But this phrase always sticks out to me: that people are thirsty, have deep desires, but those deep desires cannot be filled so easily by simple earthly pleasures.

And even though those earthen desires will still exist, we must look onwards, as vessels of souls, to where we are heading, and our orientation towards God.  It is about love, and truth and acceptance.  We are often the woman at the well, asking for God to take our cares away from us.  But God is not there to remove our cares, but only to remind us of the importance of our communities and the value of love shared and amplified through the living water.

 

 

March 5 Reflection for Lent: Go to the mountaintop

 This Lent I'm putting some thought into a reflection based on the Lenten mass each Sunday.

 

This week's reading focuses on going with Jesus to the mountain to pray. (Matt 17: 1-9)

After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. ² There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. ³ Just then there appeared before them Moses and Elijah, talking with Jesus.

⁴ Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here. If you wish, I will put up three shelters—one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah.”

⁵ While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

⁶ When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. ⁷ But Jesus came and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “Don’t be afraid.” ⁸ When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus.

⁹ As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus instructed them, “Don’t tell anyone what you have seen, until the Son of Man has been raised from the dead.”

 

The homily focused on both Genesis 12: 1-4, about Abraham and God's promise to Abraham at 75 to make him a father to a great nation of people.

Abraham had to have faith in God's promise to him, even though it would take a true miracle for that promise to come true.  Just like for us, we have prayers to God that we hope will come true, as silly as they might seem to other people.  Most of us are waiting for a miracle.

On the other hand, the apostles who traveled with Jesus to the mountaintop were in the presence of God, and it was not joy to discover the power of Jesus, but it was terrifying.  To come face to face with with something and someone unexpected, even if it is goodness itself, we are often afraid of the future.

And Jesus gives a promise as well: there will be something to proclaim, of a better future, once Easter has passed.  For during these dark times of Lent, we have only the promise, and the terror of an uncertain future.

But one of the tenets of Catholic faith is to hold onto the faith we have, the faith we put in God, to pave a future that brings us into glory: a promise of goodness and holiness fulfilled.

But we can only see that promise begin, in the middle of darkness, on a lonely mountaintop.

Visit to the Aga Khan Museum

Just a fun photo dump of finally checking this museum off my list.  A really great place, I really enjoyed the galleries here:

This horn looked like the horn blown from Ragnorok, the Gjallarhorn,.

This crest was just so FREAKING COOL.  People were so inventive in how they created their own kinds of art and meaning! It was like something right out of a fantasy novel.

This rub inlaid thingamajig was made by taken molten gold and PRESSING the rubies into place.  I loved it.

 

Being Thankful

 This is a late Thanksgiving post, but I have a lot to be thankful for.  

And, when I think of it, I didn't think that I did before Thanksgiving.  But sometimes you just need a wake-up call, and I feel like I got one, by getting into a bike accident. 

 

 

There's nothing like a near serious moment to make you remember what's important.  It could have been a lot worse, thankfully it was most minor cuts and bruises and a ripped grocery bag..

• I'm thankful for Alex, who always puts a smile on my face, and is my support when I need it.  Also we make lots of fun meals and laugh together!
• I'm thankful for close friends like Liz and Alexia and Sarah who add sunshine to my life and are a great support network
• I'm thankful I'm healthy, I have a roof over my head, my family is well
• I'm so, so lucky to have such a good circle around me.  It's something more than I could ever expect as an adult
• I'm happy I have friends all over the world...people I think about and care about all the time. 

 

Although not every year feels like it has everything in it, I'm still glad this year has been, in it's own way, one with more ups than downs.

Goals before my birthday

 I still have some time before my birthday, but well, I found my old goal list from the last 6 months.  So, here's a summary:

• Out of 27 goals, I have accomplished 9 of them, which sounds bad, but it isn't!  Some of them were very long goals.  (eg. complete two courses on animation...I taught myself how to animate via computer programs the last six months)
• 5 of those goals I look at now, and they're not priorities.  So, it's really a 22 goals list
• Out of those 15 goals left on the list, 5 of those are in process.  And one of them is pretty much completed with this blog post...post more blog posts! :)
• The ones that are left of the 10 goals, I would say half were 'moonshot' (long term) and 5 were 'fun goals' - fun to complete if I had time or if the mood struck me

 

So overall, I feel I did really good!  A lot of my goals in the past six months have been about expressing my creativity, and finding how to work more time for art and reading into my life...which has been really good!  These are really healthy hobbies that help me feel good about myself, even if I'm not a great artist.  (Nor will I ever be, and that's perfectly fine with me.)

 I will probably make another list of goals before 40 GASP...choke....ugh, I can barely say it!!!! But I will certainly look at my personal goals again in a year from now.  

 

 

St. Marie Among the Hurons and other adventures

 Today Liz and I went and visited St. Marie up by Penetanguishene.  It was a reconstructed pioneer settlement that feature Wendat and French Jesuit history.

 

 The inside was a bunch of small buildings that they tried their best to resconstruct after the settlement was burned to the ground.  (And I can see how...the wooden building had lit fires everywhere, even today!)

 

 

This was the longboat house that was filled with smoke.  I almost had an asthma attack!  It was like I ended up in a bingo hall from the 90s.

We went across the road to visit the Canadian Martyr's Shrine.  Wow, there were tons, and TONS of tourists there.

I enjoyed the outside of the building, but there were a lot of things that I found a bit strange there (like the 17 life-sized prayer rosary circles, it was just odd to me.) but on the bright side, I bought a new wooden rosary that says it comes from Bethlehem.  Who knows if it's true, but it's really nice!

Afterwards, Liz and I went and found the first location of a Catholic Mass in Ontario.  I think this was more what I was expecting when I visited the Martyr's Shrine.

It was very peaceful and out of the way.  Afterwards we had dinner with Alex, and just generally it was a good time.  What a fun day!