Whew!

Today is the first day in eight weeks I slept for eight hours, straight, and didn't wake once.


I only hope things get better from here.

TOW: Whaddya Want From Me?

As most of my friends know, this has been one of those 'worst weeks of my life' weeks.

I'm not going to be too funny in this post, because I'm not sure I have it in me, necessarily.  Aha.  Sigh.

But!  Thoughts must continue this week!  And every week!  Har har HAR.

Eh heh.  Sigh.


It's been a rough week.  I've been sending out resumes like crazy since my internship has ended, and I have little to do but wait for a phone call, and with less that I care about currently, I'm just trying to keep busy.  I have just sort of over-spent myself these last two weeks.  And even though I should be ABSOLUTELY trying to find something just until things can pick up, I'm really so tired.  (And for the record, I'm not sleeping again.)  It's all I can do not to give into the desire to eat nothing but chips for lunch, breakfast and dinner.  =/  Thankfully, I'm eating really well, and I found a way to get a pretty cheap monthly gym membership again, so I think I'll do that.  I'm going to focus on my physical health, if nothing else.

I've been to two interviews last week, and spoke with my boss, Kay.  I might start another internship, and my boss is willing to let me create a job at the store here, as an option for me, as well.  Which is really nice.  And might be relatively lucrative.  Maybe.

The point of this post is not necessarily about my personal non-successes, but more about how I've been feeling lately.  I have been trying to be proactive with everything I do, and give back to people, organizations and events in my life--and the results haven't always been the kind I've wanted.  One of the feelings everyone in the world hates, I think, is feeling like everyone wants something from you, but no one has anything to give. 

It's at times like this that I think about what the philsopher Aristotle said about human society and relationships.  We often form relationships for various reasons--for business, for health, for love, or for no reason at all.  Aristotle said that man, by nature, is a political animal.  As in, the natural order of life is to start from the highest point of politics, and work downwards.  The city is an organic state of human life that exists before the family, and the family is something that exists before the individual.  (It makes sense if you think about it.  Heh.)  Humans get together and form a city state, not because they want wealth, power or dominion over others, but because they want to pursue the good life, together.  Man is a social animal, and needs to be with people.  It makes sense that groups of people would want to pursue the good life collectively.  This means that the whole point of living together with people is to pursue something good, not to avoid something negative.

And, I think when it comes down to it, feeling used is sometimes about perspective more than reality.  You have a job, or volunteer with an organization not to prevent bad things, but to pursue good things.  If you want, you can see yourself as undervalued, underpaid, and used.  But, in truth, your function serves to pursue certain goods that will help other people, even if you don't derive direct benefit from it.

I think we all feel like asking people around us to stop pushing us, stop asking us for more commitment than we've already made, afraid we'll get hurt.  But the truth is different. We shouldn't be asking what other people want from us, we should be asking what we want from other people.  Because once we know the answer to that question, our lives will make more sense.  We should cherish the people around us, and ask them for things we want.  Because if we don't ask, we're actually not fulfulling our basic duty and needs.  We need to participate in life for it to make sense to us.

And I feel like I'm at a place where I'm ready to participate again.

VOW: Second Go

I love Lights to begin with.  This video is like the 80s on crack.  She brings back my best memories of music that tries to capture that feeling they were going for in the 80s.  Aaaaah, nice.

Field Placement

Recieved this e-mail today from program supervisor:

Hi Brennan,




I had a great conversation with Melissa who raved about your performance at Children & Youth Services. Sorry again about the confusion on the length of your FP and that we didn't connect there. I do need to book a follow-up meeting with you to finalize the FP so I can submit your grade. Can you let me know what might be convenient for you from the following times:



Afternoon - Tuesday, May 25

Morning - Friday, May 28

Afternoon - Tuesday, June 1st

Morning - Thursday, June 3 or Friday, June 4



Thanks


__________________________________________________________
 
 
 
I didn't think I did that well, but I guess, I did?  It's validating.
 
 
Now I wish I had a job, because then I would feel even more validated.  My afternoon plans have been cancelled and I'm bored out of my mind, and overtired and over-stressed and really on edge because I'm sitting here, mega-under-employed.  (Still working weekends!  Yay!)
 
I'm SO SICK of sending out resumes, if I send out any more of them, I'll barf for real!  I already sent out two today, had one interview today, and I'm just done because tomorrow and Sunday I'm working, and I really, REALLY need a break.  And, I guess I'm not going to get one, really.  Or rather, my bills won't pay themselves. 
 
Brennan needs his big break.

I didn't sleep last night

I slept from 1:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m.

Someone woke me up.  It was a sauna in my room.

I have now managed to not sleep for many, many hours.

It's going to be a long weekend, but not the kind I like.


...


I hate long weekends.  Everything bad always happens to me on long weekends.

Today, May 20, was a very bad day

Thanks to Chris, who helped me conquer it and keep from dying inside.

Better news, next week for sure.

TOW: Expectations

You know, with the end of my internship, the start of what I like to call a vacation, (but other people might term 'extreme unemployment') there's a lot to be said for what we expect in life.  What I have learned every day, since I started my internship, and now that it's finished, is that  we all have expectations.  We expect to be treated a certain way, we expect people to care about us in a certain way, and we expect to be respected--  in the workplace, and in life.

I'm not Charles Dickens, but those are Great Expectations, aren't they? 

Often, most of our emotional problems, relationship problems, and sometimes even financial problems arise from the fact that our expectations don't match reality.  There is nothing like biting into a burger and tasting onions, when you SPECIFICALLY asked for NO ONIONS!  ARGH! 

Heh.

I know, emotionally, I have been somewhere between being a complete wreck over the end of my internship, and being completely alright with the end of my internship.  (Usually the latter.  Eh heh.  Sigh.) 

When I finished my internship, my expectation, or my goal, rather, was to have two jobs offers by time I was four weeks into my internship.  Whether that meant another paid internship, or an actual job, I just wanted to have a next step in place. 

Well, I managed to get a job interview out of 25 resumes, but not a job.  I had 3 job leads, which lead nowhere. 

What we expect to happen in life, doesn't always happen.  But that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.

Some of the best things in life are the best things for us because we have can endure the difference between reality and our expectations:  our expectations of other people, of our own needs, of things we want, and things we want to avoid. 

The beautiful thing about life is that expectations can thrill us, can ruin our week, can drop us into a bout of depression, or make us fight to win the day.  We can only look into the future so far, and while we can prepare for the future, we are never truly ready for it.

As they say, "Expect the Unexpected."

VOW: Facts

Today was a very good day

And I am happy I did everything the way I did.  Now I just need money, and my life will be brilliant.

Sleepy

Hey guys, probably will post tomorrow evening, but I need to go to bed currently.  I fell asleep watching basketball and now I need to sort of 'wake up' so I can 'fall asleep.'


I know, it's crazy.


But, it's just been so busy here.  I'm glad my internship is ending...I need some days off to relax a bit, I think....I want to do some fun things for myself.  I haven't drawn in ages, and I have soooo many cartoons to share with you, it's insane!  Well, I'll get there.  My social calendar is swamped this week.  I don't know how I'll find time for everything.

I need to call my mother again to chat.  I think last night was the first time we spoke in probably two months.  =/

Bad Brennan.

Well, we're both busy people.  I did manage to speak with the majority of my family, even during all this busy-ness.

OK, later!

TOW: Connection and Intersection

Spring has sprung, people are happy, the sun is shining, my allergies are killing me.  Everyone is happy.

And the one thing that comes with spring is the feeling of new love.  Happiness, good times, feeling swell, and wearing the ring the quarterback gave you from a Cracker Jack box are just some of the highlights of spring fever.  Nothing like being connected to the one you love. 


Ah, love.  What a subject. 

I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be in love lately.  When is that moment when you say, "I am in love?  I love this person/that person?"  When do we feel love more than just being in love?  What's the difference.

I used to think, quite naively, perhaps, that love for me meant connections.  You know, when you are together, it's like, sparks are flying, there are fireworks in the background, and someone somewhere is playing the Rocky theme while you make out and put your hands up each other's shirts.  Fantastic.

But, I think where I was mistaken is that being in love, and liking the feeling of being love are two different things.  When you really fall for a person, you 'feel' in love.  You feel so connected to that person to the point where all you can think about is how you fit together, hand and glove.  Until they forget your birthday.  At which point they're the scum of the earth.  (And no one would ever forget someone's birthday if that connection was real! Like, OMG, I'm JUST saying!)

Ahem.

What I have realized lately, is that perhaps, and I'm not sure, but perhaps where we intersect with those we love is what matters.  We are all very different, but we all have things that we need and can provide to others in need.  Sometimes the people we love have bad breath, or weird toenails, or can't remember things about us that really matter, and we could probably smack them and feel much happier for it.  But smacking aside, we love people because they intersect with our values and our needs.


Connection is about what I want.  I always want to feel connected to my partner, my lover, my friends, etc.  But the staying power in relationships is knowing where your values match and what needs are being met.  And it's when you can meet at that place where both of you get something you need, that love seems to really happen. 

While it's nice to feel a connection, it's not nice to let that connection rule your relationship.  Your values and your needs should.  And, it's what you share together with someone that makes any kind of love real.

VOW: The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Look at your man, back at me!  HAHA.

My life is being taken over by randomness

So y'all are going to hafta wait until I organize before I post here.  Maybe that means not until Thursday.

Boy I screwed up

Augh, I HATE it when I really screw-up, relationship-wise.

I feel like such a dirt-bag.  And it's because I was trying to do the right thing, apparently.

I'm such a dummy.

TOW: Proximity versus Rhythm

You know, I love the beat of a bongo drum.  It's kinda fun, and funky at the same time, and anybody can play it.  It's fun, nice sound.  Friendly, even.

However, no one likes drums that sound right in their ears.  A pounding in your head is not a fun sound or feeling.  It's too close.  You want it to be farther away, so you can enjoy it.


Lately, I have been thinking about what kind of person I am, and what kind of people other people are.  In relationships, we have preferences for how we want to interact with people.  We have needs, wants and desires built around two central vibes, two central rules that govern our lives.  There may be more, but I usually find we want one thing or the other more.

Some people like to describe their relationships in distance.  We have people that are close to us, people that are far away, and we feel best when the people we like best are closest to us.  To these people, relationships are better the more we see these people, interact with them on a daily basis in a meaningful way.


Others, I think, fall into the category of rhythm.  It's not about when we see people, but how.  We want our experiences to make sense in a certain time frame, to a certain drum beat, for people to feel our rhythm and get in sync with the way we do things.  We want life to move at a certain pace with certain kind of relationships.  It's not how far, it's how fast, and whether our relationships fit into our personal patterns.


This is directly related to the philosophy of Heidegger.  Heidegger wrote a really big book called Being and Time.  He talked a lot about space, and time, and what they meant to each other.  To make this completely obtuse to most of my readers, in philosophy terms, it means some of us are more interested in Dasien and some of us more interested in Time.


Or, in Brennan terms, some of us are more interested in Proximity, and some of us in Rhythm.

I have found that deep down inside of me, I'm really all about proximity.  I want to keep those special to me close to me.  I used to be a lot more about rhythm,  But that was when everything was easy; I didn't have a care in the world at the time. 

These days, I find I want to be close to the people I care about, and I want them to be close to me.  We can't always be near the ones we love, but we can find ways to keep them in our lives.  And sometimes, yeah, timing matters.  But more importantly, especially during hard times, all that matters is being together.

Or at least that's what I've been thinking lately.

No TOW today

Normally, I would put up a TOW right about now, but I'm a bit busy with enjoying the remnants of my Sunday...that, and I have to go do a crapload of ironing at the moment.  Sigh.  Anyways, should be up tomorrow.

VOW: What Facebook is For

So very true

TOW: Creases

Today was the first day of my internship (and I have a cartoon I'm making specifically for it!  It'll be great!) and today was a total change of pace for me.  I went from having a couple classes a day and socializing all week, to going back to the grind.  It was a change.  I forgot how much of a change.

Now, more importantly, I was ironing today and it got me thinking...I know, I know.  I can already hear you, in your faux British accent, "How DROLL, dah-ling."  That's not the point!

Anyways.

When I was ironing my pants, I never realized this before, but. if you try and line up the creases properly, so that you don't make a double-crease. and officially ruin your pants forever, (because it's impossible to get out a double crease once you get one in.  You might as well buy new pants.) you actually do the thing you don't want to do, and you make a double, sometimes, a triple crease.  I found, today especially, the more you try and line up a crease, and make it work, the less chance it has of happening.  I'm positive I could make this into a graph.  Actually, I will! 

Well, anyways, what I realized from doing this very simple, and quite frankly mundane task, is that there is something to be said for doing things without over-thinking them.  Creases in your pants usually know which way to go so that you have 'happy pants' (ie. not full of mistakes) whereas the more time you spend planning creases, the less time you have to yourself.

If we apply this to life (and when don't I universalize everything small in my life?) it's good to realize that some things are better when we don't try too hard.  Sometimes, the harder we try, the more we fail. And sometimes, the more we relax and let life take the reins in our own lives, the more pants we have.  Er, I mean, the fewer ugly creases we make.  Um....augh! 

So, don't over-think things.  Just do them.  And you'll have your own personal brand of perfection.

And that's the thought of the week.

VOW: I love this horse

I do.  Ahahahahaha.

Holy Man

I'm so tired, you guys.  I had some great ideas for posting, but my head feels like a giant ball that's being bounced around.  I blame the hayfever.  Hopefully there'll be time tomorrow night!