Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
TOW: Prayer
You know, it's been probably since May that I've been able to pray. Prayer is something really special to me, and I think it's benefited me in ways I can't even imagine.
I have realized, somewhat recently, that prayer has been my crutch. Maybe it always will be. But, I have decided that the relationship I have with God needs to change, along with the relationship I have with myself. I can't ask God for happiness. I have to make it myself. It's part of free will.
I have decided to take a break from all the ways that I normally used to pray. Most of my praying, most of the spiritual work I did, it was out of a kind of obligation. Which is good. It is good to have responsibilities, of all kinds. Responsibilities keep us balanced, and quite frankly, keep us happy and grounded in real life.
But you can't pray for happiness. God can't give us happiness, and we can only be happy when we stop asking for things that we were meant to create ourselves, with our own hands, and our own minds. Sometimes prayer for me was a way for me to focus on other people's pain, instead of my own pain. But I have realized, that I need to spend time, focusing on what makes me happy, on what is my personal happiness. On myself.
So for now, I've stopped praying. Not because I want to stop...but because I need to evaluate my circumstances again, and think about myself. Sometimes prayer can be a distraction, to make us focus on a task instead of a relationship. Prayer, real prayer, is about spending time with ourselves doing a task, and getting something out of it that benefits our spiritual selves. I will have a regular prayer life, again, in the near future. I need to spend time with myself, in silence, away from too many tasks, and away from pressuring myself.
Maybe what I am really searching for is a way to communicate with God in a way that makes sense to me. I know that my ability to love relies on me being happy with myself. And, again, prayer is usually a product of a healthy mind, and right now, I'm still working on being healthy. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But like all good things, it takes some time.
I have realized, somewhat recently, that prayer has been my crutch. Maybe it always will be. But, I have decided that the relationship I have with God needs to change, along with the relationship I have with myself. I can't ask God for happiness. I have to make it myself. It's part of free will.
I have decided to take a break from all the ways that I normally used to pray. Most of my praying, most of the spiritual work I did, it was out of a kind of obligation. Which is good. It is good to have responsibilities, of all kinds. Responsibilities keep us balanced, and quite frankly, keep us happy and grounded in real life.
But you can't pray for happiness. God can't give us happiness, and we can only be happy when we stop asking for things that we were meant to create ourselves, with our own hands, and our own minds. Sometimes prayer for me was a way for me to focus on other people's pain, instead of my own pain. But I have realized, that I need to spend time, focusing on what makes me happy, on what is my personal happiness. On myself.
So for now, I've stopped praying. Not because I want to stop...but because I need to evaluate my circumstances again, and think about myself. Sometimes prayer can be a distraction, to make us focus on a task instead of a relationship. Prayer, real prayer, is about spending time with ourselves doing a task, and getting something out of it that benefits our spiritual selves. I will have a regular prayer life, again, in the near future. I need to spend time with myself, in silence, away from too many tasks, and away from pressuring myself.
Maybe what I am really searching for is a way to communicate with God in a way that makes sense to me. I know that my ability to love relies on me being happy with myself. And, again, prayer is usually a product of a healthy mind, and right now, I'm still working on being healthy. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically. But like all good things, it takes some time.
VOW: Study Like a Scholar, Scholar
This is a pretty good imitation of the most famous youtube video, ever.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I Write Like
This website is fun. It's called I Write Like, and compares a paragraph you write to tell you which famous author you write like. Here's the text I put in, just for fun:
Last week I went to the market. There I saw dead corpses of various kinds, shopping. Unlike my best friend, this I did not find to be an exagerration of reality. Instead, as I passed a young girl, who looked like she had drowned in a river, I thought to myself, "What an interesting shade of blue she has turned." The store was eerily quiet, and smelled of death, although not unpleasantly so. I could still pass between the aisles of potato chips and twizzlers without too much ado. Instead of picking up my favourite brand of shampoo that day, I decided I was in for a bit of a change. I moved past a wailing woman in chains, and as she rattled, picked up a pleasant orange-coloured bottle that said cheery things about what it would do to my hair once I got home and had a much-needed shower. The wailing woman rattled her chains angrily, again. I assumed she wanted the same shampoo I did. Too bad I took the last bottle. Why does a woman in chains need grocery store shampoo? I had no idea.
Last week I went to the market. There I saw dead corpses of various kinds, shopping. Unlike my best friend, this I did not find to be an exagerration of reality. Instead, as I passed a young girl, who looked like she had drowned in a river, I thought to myself, "What an interesting shade of blue she has turned." The store was eerily quiet, and smelled of death, although not unpleasantly so. I could still pass between the aisles of potato chips and twizzlers without too much ado. Instead of picking up my favourite brand of shampoo that day, I decided I was in for a bit of a change. I moved past a wailing woman in chains, and as she rattled, picked up a pleasant orange-coloured bottle that said cheery things about what it would do to my hair once I got home and had a much-needed shower. The wailing woman rattled her chains angrily, again. I assumed she wanted the same shampoo I did. Too bad I took the last bottle. Why does a woman in chains need grocery store shampoo? I had no idea.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
TOW: Luck
You know, I have had several times over the past few months thought I have been extremely unlucky. Like, flower-pot-falls-on-your-head unlucky. Like, if you picked up a penny on the street, your wallet would get stolen as you leaned over to pick it up.
What I have realized, however, is that the opposite is true. I am extremely lucky.
I have great friends. I have a family. I have three parents I can speak with.
And I know my life will get better and better, the more I trust in myself, and what I believe.
Because we make our own luck. Luck isn't something that happens to people. Luck is something people create by doing routine actions that matter. Sometimes all it takes is a yes, or a knock on a door, to have everything make sense again in your life.
Small changes make big changes. And this is what we call luck.
I'm very lucky.
What I have realized, however, is that the opposite is true. I am extremely lucky.
I have great friends. I have a family. I have three parents I can speak with.
And I know my life will get better and better, the more I trust in myself, and what I believe.
Because we make our own luck. Luck isn't something that happens to people. Luck is something people create by doing routine actions that matter. Sometimes all it takes is a yes, or a knock on a door, to have everything make sense again in your life.
Small changes make big changes. And this is what we call luck.
I'm very lucky.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Trip Home for Martin's Grad
I'm so happy, and not just because it means no more random emergency essay calls on a Sunday night. It's great because I'm so proud he could do that, and he did more himself than I think even he realizes.
Sarah looking dangerous! =D
And that, in a nutshell, was my trip! I saw plenty of friends and family, and just recharged as much as possible. I love Saskatchewan so much, I wish I could be there all the time, whenever I wanted.
I miss my family, but I also know that job opportunities are better and I need to get some experience. Even if I move back out west, I feel like the possibilities of me moving back into my hometown are slim.
I have been thinking about this lately because maybe I'll always wander. I have yet to find a place I want to put down my roots because I love it so much. (Well, I love Leuven, but I don't think I can stay there, and I don't have the kind of job quite yet that will allow me to live internationally like that. But just wait.)
Toronto is a nice city, in a dirty, cosy sort of way. It grows on you, but it definitely is not the city for me forever, I think. If it is, I have yet to find a neighbourhood that I like so much I want to stay in it. Or maybe just a place to live, I'm not sure. (Because my current place is nice enough, but, uh, well, not enough privacy, really.) Anyways, everything here is fine.
After coming back to Toronto, I realized that part of it is that a place like this can cause some serious culture shock, just like any city. It takes a while to adjust to new things, new people, and new places. It will take me a while, I'm sure, but I'll definitely make it.
Hope everyone's well, and I'll post more soon! I'm going to get back on track with blogging, I've just been so busy sending out resumes that I haven't had time for personal writing as much as I'd like.
Take care!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
TOW: Self-Confidence
Over the past month, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about myself, and where I'm going in life (as usual, eh heh) and I've been thinking about how much easier it was to be 'myself' back in the day. I remember being a confident, somewhat popular, somewhat interesting person in university, and being able to run into practically any single person I wanted to on campus or around town. I didn't have enemies, and I was a pretty happy guy.
Now, fast forward about 4-6 years, and here I am in 'the big city.' It's not as easy to be self-confident, or believe in yourself when times are hard, or heck, simply ask for what you want for fear of rejection, at times.
Self-confidence comes from the feeling that there are things in our lives that we are proud of, activities and events that shape us and make us who we are. It is the ability to express who you want to be and accomplish what you believe in. And, it is something that we work on, every day.
I can't say that I have been a really confident person since moving to Toronto (but then again, I've been stepped on more than a couple times since I got here) but I have managed to maintain at least part of the best parts of my personality, at times, and for that I'm happy.
As I move forward in life, as we all move forward, it's important to find those sources of happiness and self-confidence that never run out, the ones that will keep us going throughout the thick and thin. Because it was easy for me to be a confident, interesting person when I was young, bright, with no student debt, a vehicle, living rent-free at my parents house with nary a care in the world. It's much harder to be confident, happy and 'with-it' when you are straddled with a majority of middle-class and lower middle class complaints like debt, poverty, bad health and no money for doctors/dentists, etc.
Self-confidence can have external sources, but real confidence, and real drive, comes from within, and spending time with yourself, and learning to like yourself again. You can only really be a confident person if you don't care what other people think, and aren't afraid to make mistakes. Learn to be happy with yourself, and what you do, so that you can forge ahead and be the best you can, versus being the best you can...afraid.
Now, fast forward about 4-6 years, and here I am in 'the big city.' It's not as easy to be self-confident, or believe in yourself when times are hard, or heck, simply ask for what you want for fear of rejection, at times.
Self-confidence comes from the feeling that there are things in our lives that we are proud of, activities and events that shape us and make us who we are. It is the ability to express who you want to be and accomplish what you believe in. And, it is something that we work on, every day.
I can't say that I have been a really confident person since moving to Toronto (but then again, I've been stepped on more than a couple times since I got here) but I have managed to maintain at least part of the best parts of my personality, at times, and for that I'm happy.
As I move forward in life, as we all move forward, it's important to find those sources of happiness and self-confidence that never run out, the ones that will keep us going throughout the thick and thin. Because it was easy for me to be a confident, interesting person when I was young, bright, with no student debt, a vehicle, living rent-free at my parents house with nary a care in the world. It's much harder to be confident, happy and 'with-it' when you are straddled with a majority of middle-class and lower middle class complaints like debt, poverty, bad health and no money for doctors/dentists, etc.
Self-confidence can have external sources, but real confidence, and real drive, comes from within, and spending time with yourself, and learning to like yourself again. You can only really be a confident person if you don't care what other people think, and aren't afraid to make mistakes. Learn to be happy with yourself, and what you do, so that you can forge ahead and be the best you can, versus being the best you can...afraid.
VOW: Tik-Tok Simpsons version
Unfortunately, the versions on Youtube seem to have been recorded incorrectly, so here's the original HQ version here. Cheers. I still can't believe they used such a racy song!
Friday, June 18, 2010
A Good Day
I felt better today than I have in a while. It was fleeting, but I definitely felt 'me' for a total of two hours today, sometime, maybe even longer.
It's nice to feel good about yourself. I'm glad I have friends here.
It's nice to feel good about yourself. I'm glad I have friends here.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Time to Move Again
My roommate can apparently hear my computer playing a video game, quietly, through my door, and her door.
What else can she hear? This...this is insane. What are these walls made of?? Paper mache???
Seriously, I've had it. Time for a change of scenery. I'm finding a new place.
What else can she hear? This...this is insane. What are these walls made of?? Paper mache???
Seriously, I've had it. Time for a change of scenery. I'm finding a new place.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
TOW: Making the Ordinary...Extraordinary
My friends Paul, Tori, and I went to a a Starbucks to chat and discuss our future employment opportunities. Paul, who had worked very hard in his unpaid internship to secure a position and had asked every single hiring manager in the government for a job, was completely and utterly depressed. He had finished his internship on Wednesday, with his boss saying, "My hands are tied. I can't hire currently."
Being Paul's birthday, and being in the kind of mood I was, I walked up to the counter, and said to the cashier, "I want a Carmel Frappacino, and it's my friend Paul's birthday. Can you give him something...like a discount, or anything?"
The cashier, who was in work mode, immediately brightened and said, "Of course, actually, how about a free cupcake?" Paul looked embarassed, and said he didn't want the cupcake.
I said, "Yes, that's what he wants." I even chose the cupcake for him.
As my drink was being made, my friends and I chatted some more. Paul talked about how he might have to leave his house and move in with some friends because as a mature student, his work funding was going to run out eventally, and then he was going to have trouble paying his bills.
The girl making my drink said, "Hey, I have some leftover from your drink, would your friend like to have the rest?" My friend Paul stood there a little silently, not trying to make a fuss.
I said, "Yes, make him one as well." He got a drink almost the same size as mine. For free.
As we sat down, we joked lightly about starting our own PR agency. I could be the social media guy, Paul could do media relations, and Tori would do all the video and camera work for internal communications clients. Paul's phone rang. He looked perturbed, and walked off to answer the call.
When he came back, he said he had been hired on a short term contract at the government by his boss.
The point of this story is two-fold: one, people want to help those who are down on their luck, and two, working hard never goes unappreciated. Ever.
Our lives are filled with ordinary moments, like waiting in line and talking to cashiers. However, those moments become extraordinary when we ask for what we want, when we ask for something that will help someone else out in life. People are sometimes hesitant to help you, if you're just one person. But if you are asking for some help, to help others in your life, and to create a better world around you in any small way, people will bend over backwards to help.
So, next time you are doing something rudimentary, or routine, ask yourself what you can do to ask more of other people. The one thing that drives people, more than anything, is a meaningful break from monotonous tasks.
Help give other people's lives meaning, and you'll never fail to get what you want.
Being Paul's birthday, and being in the kind of mood I was, I walked up to the counter, and said to the cashier, "I want a Carmel Frappacino, and it's my friend Paul's birthday. Can you give him something...like a discount, or anything?"
The cashier, who was in work mode, immediately brightened and said, "Of course, actually, how about a free cupcake?" Paul looked embarassed, and said he didn't want the cupcake.
I said, "Yes, that's what he wants." I even chose the cupcake for him.
As my drink was being made, my friends and I chatted some more. Paul talked about how he might have to leave his house and move in with some friends because as a mature student, his work funding was going to run out eventally, and then he was going to have trouble paying his bills.
The girl making my drink said, "Hey, I have some leftover from your drink, would your friend like to have the rest?" My friend Paul stood there a little silently, not trying to make a fuss.
I said, "Yes, make him one as well." He got a drink almost the same size as mine. For free.
As we sat down, we joked lightly about starting our own PR agency. I could be the social media guy, Paul could do media relations, and Tori would do all the video and camera work for internal communications clients. Paul's phone rang. He looked perturbed, and walked off to answer the call.
When he came back, he said he had been hired on a short term contract at the government by his boss.
The point of this story is two-fold: one, people want to help those who are down on their luck, and two, working hard never goes unappreciated. Ever.
Our lives are filled with ordinary moments, like waiting in line and talking to cashiers. However, those moments become extraordinary when we ask for what we want, when we ask for something that will help someone else out in life. People are sometimes hesitant to help you, if you're just one person. But if you are asking for some help, to help others in your life, and to create a better world around you in any small way, people will bend over backwards to help.
So, next time you are doing something rudimentary, or routine, ask yourself what you can do to ask more of other people. The one thing that drives people, more than anything, is a meaningful break from monotonous tasks.
Help give other people's lives meaning, and you'll never fail to get what you want.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
TOW: Who Matters in Your Life?
I've been really blessed since moving to Toronto because some of the people I really love are in this city. I can name a few.
Lately, though I have been feeling like the real question is how I can be a good friend to people around me. The answer to that used to be easy. A good friend is someone that listens to your problems, takes care of your needs, helps you with tasks and particpates in activities you like. Friends used to be people that were like you.
What I have found, now, in the future, is that your friendships change because you are constantly changing. You don't always have interests to bring you together with other people anymore. Suddenly your best friend from high school or university has been married or has kids. The people you truly want to see regularly live in different cities. Maybe someone decides to live in another country. Suddenly everything is different.
What I am finding, especially as I age, is that friendship is more than a matter of choice, it's a matter of staking out who you are. Will you be friends with people who constantly let you down, or do you choose people that are reliable? Are you closer to your family instead of your friends? One or two close friends, or a large circle of people you can see to keep yourself busy?
It's always a mystery as to why we choose the people we do in our lives, especially when being away from those people often makes us feel pain or anxiety. Sometimes I'm sure we all feel it would be better if we never made friends, never had relationships, never got involved in messy life issues of other people. But the truth is, we do choose, and we must choose, to be friends with people every day. There are very few choices that matter so much in life as choosing our friends, and choosing them wisely. And we must respond to their needs because the whole point of being good, and becoming better people is by being strong for ourselves and for others when we need them. Personal strength isn't something that grows on trees. We cultivate it.
I am very lucky to have the people I have in my life. And, for every hundred rude people that have tried to ruin my day, it only takes one true friend to brighten up my life.
Lately, though I have been feeling like the real question is how I can be a good friend to people around me. The answer to that used to be easy. A good friend is someone that listens to your problems, takes care of your needs, helps you with tasks and particpates in activities you like. Friends used to be people that were like you.
What I have found, now, in the future, is that your friendships change because you are constantly changing. You don't always have interests to bring you together with other people anymore. Suddenly your best friend from high school or university has been married or has kids. The people you truly want to see regularly live in different cities. Maybe someone decides to live in another country. Suddenly everything is different.
What I am finding, especially as I age, is that friendship is more than a matter of choice, it's a matter of staking out who you are. Will you be friends with people who constantly let you down, or do you choose people that are reliable? Are you closer to your family instead of your friends? One or two close friends, or a large circle of people you can see to keep yourself busy?
It's always a mystery as to why we choose the people we do in our lives, especially when being away from those people often makes us feel pain or anxiety. Sometimes I'm sure we all feel it would be better if we never made friends, never had relationships, never got involved in messy life issues of other people. But the truth is, we do choose, and we must choose, to be friends with people every day. There are very few choices that matter so much in life as choosing our friends, and choosing them wisely. And we must respond to their needs because the whole point of being good, and becoming better people is by being strong for ourselves and for others when we need them. Personal strength isn't something that grows on trees. We cultivate it.
I am very lucky to have the people I have in my life. And, for every hundred rude people that have tried to ruin my day, it only takes one true friend to brighten up my life.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Whew!
Today is the first day in eight weeks I slept for eight hours, straight, and didn't wake once.
I only hope things get better from here.
I only hope things get better from here.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
TOW: Whaddya Want From Me?
As most of my friends know, this has been one of those 'worst weeks of my life' weeks.
I'm not going to be too funny in this post, because I'm not sure I have it in me, necessarily. Aha. Sigh.
But! Thoughts must continue this week! And every week! Har har HAR.
Eh heh. Sigh.
It's been a rough week. I've been sending out resumes like crazy since my internship has ended, and I have little to do but wait for a phone call, and with less that I care about currently, I'm just trying to keep busy. I have just sort of over-spent myself these last two weeks. And even though I should be ABSOLUTELY trying to find something just until things can pick up, I'm really so tired. (And for the record, I'm not sleeping again.) It's all I can do not to give into the desire to eat nothing but chips for lunch, breakfast and dinner. =/ Thankfully, I'm eating really well, and I found a way to get a pretty cheap monthly gym membership again, so I think I'll do that. I'm going to focus on my physical health, if nothing else.
I've been to two interviews last week, and spoke with my boss, Kay. I might start another internship, and my boss is willing to let me create a job at the store here, as an option for me, as well. Which is really nice. And might be relatively lucrative. Maybe.
The point of this post is not necessarily about my personal non-successes, but more about how I've been feeling lately. I have been trying to be proactive with everything I do, and give back to people, organizations and events in my life--and the results haven't always been the kind I've wanted. One of the feelings everyone in the world hates, I think, is feeling like everyone wants something from you, but no one has anything to give.
It's at times like this that I think about what the philsopher Aristotle said about human society and relationships. We often form relationships for various reasons--for business, for health, for love, or for no reason at all. Aristotle said that man, by nature, is a political animal. As in, the natural order of life is to start from the highest point of politics, and work downwards. The city is an organic state of human life that exists before the family, and the family is something that exists before the individual. (It makes sense if you think about it. Heh.) Humans get together and form a city state, not because they want wealth, power or dominion over others, but because they want to pursue the good life, together. Man is a social animal, and needs to be with people. It makes sense that groups of people would want to pursue the good life collectively. This means that the whole point of living together with people is to pursue something good, not to avoid something negative.
And, I think when it comes down to it, feeling used is sometimes about perspective more than reality. You have a job, or volunteer with an organization not to prevent bad things, but to pursue good things. If you want, you can see yourself as undervalued, underpaid, and used. But, in truth, your function serves to pursue certain goods that will help other people, even if you don't derive direct benefit from it.
I think we all feel like asking people around us to stop pushing us, stop asking us for more commitment than we've already made, afraid we'll get hurt. But the truth is different. We shouldn't be asking what other people want from us, we should be asking what we want from other people. Because once we know the answer to that question, our lives will make more sense. We should cherish the people around us, and ask them for things we want. Because if we don't ask, we're actually not fulfulling our basic duty and needs. We need to participate in life for it to make sense to us.
And I feel like I'm at a place where I'm ready to participate again.
I'm not going to be too funny in this post, because I'm not sure I have it in me, necessarily. Aha. Sigh.
But! Thoughts must continue this week! And every week! Har har HAR.
Eh heh. Sigh.
It's been a rough week. I've been sending out resumes like crazy since my internship has ended, and I have little to do but wait for a phone call, and with less that I care about currently, I'm just trying to keep busy. I have just sort of over-spent myself these last two weeks. And even though I should be ABSOLUTELY trying to find something just until things can pick up, I'm really so tired. (And for the record, I'm not sleeping again.) It's all I can do not to give into the desire to eat nothing but chips for lunch, breakfast and dinner. =/ Thankfully, I'm eating really well, and I found a way to get a pretty cheap monthly gym membership again, so I think I'll do that. I'm going to focus on my physical health, if nothing else.
I've been to two interviews last week, and spoke with my boss, Kay. I might start another internship, and my boss is willing to let me create a job at the store here, as an option for me, as well. Which is really nice. And might be relatively lucrative. Maybe.
The point of this post is not necessarily about my personal non-successes, but more about how I've been feeling lately. I have been trying to be proactive with everything I do, and give back to people, organizations and events in my life--and the results haven't always been the kind I've wanted. One of the feelings everyone in the world hates, I think, is feeling like everyone wants something from you, but no one has anything to give.
It's at times like this that I think about what the philsopher Aristotle said about human society and relationships. We often form relationships for various reasons--for business, for health, for love, or for no reason at all. Aristotle said that man, by nature, is a political animal. As in, the natural order of life is to start from the highest point of politics, and work downwards. The city is an organic state of human life that exists before the family, and the family is something that exists before the individual. (It makes sense if you think about it. Heh.) Humans get together and form a city state, not because they want wealth, power or dominion over others, but because they want to pursue the good life, together. Man is a social animal, and needs to be with people. It makes sense that groups of people would want to pursue the good life collectively. This means that the whole point of living together with people is to pursue something good, not to avoid something negative.
And, I think when it comes down to it, feeling used is sometimes about perspective more than reality. You have a job, or volunteer with an organization not to prevent bad things, but to pursue good things. If you want, you can see yourself as undervalued, underpaid, and used. But, in truth, your function serves to pursue certain goods that will help other people, even if you don't derive direct benefit from it.
I think we all feel like asking people around us to stop pushing us, stop asking us for more commitment than we've already made, afraid we'll get hurt. But the truth is different. We shouldn't be asking what other people want from us, we should be asking what we want from other people. Because once we know the answer to that question, our lives will make more sense. We should cherish the people around us, and ask them for things we want. Because if we don't ask, we're actually not fulfulling our basic duty and needs. We need to participate in life for it to make sense to us.
And I feel like I'm at a place where I'm ready to participate again.
VOW: Second Go
I love Lights to begin with. This video is like the 80s on crack. She brings back my best memories of music that tries to capture that feeling they were going for in the 80s. Aaaaah, nice.
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