I got pretty close to these guys before they ran away

Me and mom shopping

Having fun!

Merry Christmas

I know it's yesterday technically... but Merry Christmas.  Thanks to everyone who reads this. =)

Merry Christmas

TOW: Going home

You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball

I'm going home for Christmas.

It's definitely been a while, and between September and December, a lot of things have changed.  Going home for me this year is a truly happy time.  I get to have a vacation for the first time in two years...I can sleep in for more than two days at a time and it will be quiet for a straight 8 hours in the night.  (I can't tell you how awesome that is going to be without foaming at the mouth a bit.) 

 

Coming home is going to have a lot of personal pleasure associated with it, but I'm not going home to a place, I'm going home to family.  Because I haven't had my childhood home for several years now, and I don't think of houses and being home for me anymore.  Which is weird, because I used to be the opposite way.  I used to think my childhood home was where people gathered and it was the place that mattered more, since that's where I spent all my time.  I wasn't wrong, but I wasn't exactly right, either.  People need a place to gather, but an empty house is just that...empty.

Going home now, at this time of my life, is light years of difference than two years ago.  Two years ago, I was living off a line of credit, working 2 part time jobs and going to school full time.  The second day I was home I went to the doctor because my chest hurt.  

There was nothing physically wrong with me.  I was having panic attacks.  I went for a walk outside after that and I couldn't even cry, that's how tightly wound I was. 

The worst wasn't the panic attacks, although they were bad at the time.  The worst, I distinctly remember, was going for lunch an hour later and telling my parents what was wrong and seeing the look of disappointment on their faces.  I think they felt like they did something wrong, or worse, that I was going crazy.  (No argument there...ha...ha...eh heh.  Sigh.)

 

Going home at Christmas for a while was really sad because I felt like I had a lot I had to prove, and also people didn't understand why I didn't just move back to SK if I was having such a hard time (more on that later, some time). Truth is, I wanted home to be a safe place for me, somewhere I could run away to once or twice a year when things got really bad, and I was pretty sure I was going through some kind of phase that I needed to get out of my system and that doing it closer to my family wouldn't actually help me in any way.  I wanted my family to be able to be a refuge for me.  They were my home, wherever they were during the last three years.

 

And I think I've finally realized, in an adult kind of way, what the value of a home means to me.  It's not just about being happy wherever you are...it's also about feeling that you will find a way to keep yourself and those you love safe in your own way, as much as you can.  Because being an adult means being able to create that feeling of safety and happiness in your life for those who matter and being able to do it consistently, even when things are hard.  And as I grow older, I realize just how much having a place and people to return to is so valuable.  Not everyone has that, and it's a gift when you do have it.  Some people don't have a family that they trust or even love.  Some people don't have anyone to call friend.  Some people are very,  very alone in life.

That's why it's good to create a place where people can feel welcome, whether they be family or friends.  Love is a gift not to be squandered.  Home, as they say, is where the heart is.

This is how I feel today

Wow.

Gift from Thane,  the grade seven kid I tutor. Super touched. Best gift I've gotten in a long time.

Space Cowboy Hat time!

TOW: Life Phases

You know, I had a really good talk with my friend Robert last night.  We talked a lot about life phases, and about how things were changing for both us, mostly for the better.  I mentioned that my life had taken a lot of turns in the last four years, and it seems to me that things are finally starting to be where I imagined that they would be when I first started down this new career path idea.  It only took four years for me to get there!  Er, yay, I guess?


I think it's more that there's so much adjusting to do when you move to a new city, take up a new life, new friends, new challenges, new problems of a variety of kinds.  What's interesting to me is that I seem to go through Life Phases, where I repeat things over and over again.  I've managed, in my mind, to repeat several life phases, go through several of the same problems I've had in the past, but I've repeated them in the future. Why is that?  Shouldn't I have learned my lesson the first time?

Instead of quoting a philosopher, I think the answer is much simpler than that.  The challenges you face as a youth, as someone still growing into life are not the same as the challenges you face as an adult.  No matter if you've faced a problem a million times as a child, as a teen, as anything other than someone who is really striving to become themselves as they grow older, you won't be able to apply the same solutions to your childhood problems that you did when you were a kid.  When you were a kid, your parents may have bailed you out at the last minute if you did something really stupid.  Maybe it was your friends as someone in your young twenties.  But as people get more insular in their older ages, there's not a lot of support.  There's you, maybe there's your spouse, but really, there's you.  Just you.  You and your life.  And you have to decide how to live it.

Being an adult is hard.  It's not easy to do new things as an adult.  When you were younger, safety nets existed to catch you when you fell.  What you realize as an adult, is that some of those safety nets have disappeared, but there's still a crowd of onlookers, watching to see if you'll fall. 

I'd like to think that my life will eventually be less of a tragic fall from above and more of a direct path towards the other side of the goals I'm seeking.  I'm sure most people feel the same way.

VOW: Stupid Cat

Loved this video. But there are swears, so just be careful where you listen to this. ^_^

Shopping Adventures

Out with Liz's Parents for Lunch!

Unpacking.

Christmas time is soon!

It's the first day of Christmas.  Here's a Christmas videos to get you in the season.

TOW: The Power of Love

No, this isn't a Huey Lewis and the News Song.

Again, I think because I've been going on dates, and also because it's something more serious about things I'm reading lately, I'm starting to think about what it means to love other people, and how I love other people.

Today's quote from Plato on love:  "Love is a serious mental disease."

And, in a way, Plato was right.  (But when isn't Plato right?)   Love is like a (sometimes) happy infection, spreading through our mind, and at times our bodies, awakening feelings in us that didn't exist before, or making us feel in ways we don't always normally feel.  Love is not easy, and love is messy at times.  But more than anything loves moves us to do things, to say things, and act in certain ways that we never imagined we would, could, or perhaps should.

Love is something that moves us, and St. Thomas Aquinas talks a lot about this when he talks about the way the First Mover (or God) loves the world.  God was moved by love to create.  He was in a relationship with the world that was to come to be, and he just sort of moved towards it, and created all things living and things in the universe.  It's an interesting idea.

And from these ideas is where I have been putting a lot of my thought lately.  Love is something that interrupts us, that moves us in an unexpected, but often good direction.  Love is not something easy (for movement, as any good physicist would tell you, is not something easy or even 'normal' by physical standards)  because love often interrupts our routines, our needs, and our wants.  But that's a good thing--because love takes us to places we don't want to be--it takes us outside of ourselves, outside of our little backyard of our minds, and into the wider world, where people need us.  And love answers our own needs by serving others, and by being present to the love that's needed in the world. 

It's a powerful thing when you think about it.

VOW: Two Angry Camels

Because everyone needs two angry camels in a car.

TOW: Singularity of Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about one or two things lately, and I have most recently picked up from the library The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.  So far it's proving an interesting read, and it reminds me of, and is having a similar effect on me as the book The Alchemist did.  Both The Alchemist and The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari are based on the premise that society, especially Western society, has a sickness that needs curing, and can be cured by looking inwards, person by person.  And that cure comes in the form of a singularity and productivity of purpose.

If you were to read them in the order I have, it's almost like The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari is a sequel to The Alchemist.  The Alchemist tries to deliver the message to a young boy that the universe wants you succeed in life, but not without trying.  And the monk learned the same thing when he gave up all his possessions.  Goodness, and true life greatness, comes with a a heavy price.  Unless we are willing to give up certain things, we cannot achieve new things, have new patterns, and lead a new life.  As the monk says, "How can I fill your cup with fresh tea when your cup is already full?"

Not only can we only focus on one task, but we can only ever really focus on one attitude in life.  We can either be inherently negative, or we can be inherently positive.  I think we all know people that seem to never stop being gloomy, never stop being petty, and never stop grandstanding.  These people live most of their lives in a way that makes themselves and others unhappy.  They have made their singular purpose about being unhappy and about judging other.  Often, it's a sign of something missing in people's live is why this happens.  They haven't found, or want to ignore, things in their own lives that need changing, and focus on other people's problems.

The only way we can fix our own problems, according to these two books, is to learn what it is in our lives that is a truly good and productive for us, and to pursue those things.  And our dreams don't have to be big.  One of the characters was janitor who swept up the temple every day, but he was content in his life, and he liked his life.  The point was that he was productive and he gave his own life meaning and that meaning gave him happiness and made him content and at peace.   

True productivity comes from enjoying the moments we are in, and focusing on goals we have for the future.  We don't need to be productive in the sense that we produce more than other people, that we do more than other people.  We need to know that every task we do, and do right, deserves our full attention, and we have a duty to ourselves and to others to give our attention to the present moment, every day, as much as we can. Because it's a sad life to live that focuses on dreams that could never exist, instead of focusing on dreams that should exist in our lives, and trying to bring them to fulfillment.  



The point being, we are all called to some kind of higher purpose. 

VOW: Video Games

Haunting song, I sang part of it while I was hanging out with Liz this eve.

Parents at the Banquet of Champions for the Canadian Bowl 2011

Well great

I just slept through a doctor's appointment (flu/fever/not sleeping) and I called in to ask if there would be any issue with them billing me, and the lady on the phone pretended she had no idea and hung up on me.


Really?  ={

TOW: Love

I've been thinking a lot about love, and relationships and such lately.  I'm not sure why, I think it's because I keep having people who are not good matches/creepy people asking me out. I guess sometimes I think "What is love?" and this might have a lot to do with the fact that I read too many advice columns and most of what I see are people in misery and people falling in and out of love.  I know I'm hopeless because I believe things like love is forever, and that you can love friends and family forever...although I think that says a lot more about me than anything else.  But at the same time I think I'm somewhat realistic because when some people go through certain life phases, you can't go with them.  That might mean you can't be their friend or be in contact with them, at least in the conventional sense.  (But maybe that's another thought for another time.)

When I get nostalgic about love in general, Plato is someone I always think back to when I wonder what 'feeling' one should have to be in love.  Plato, beyond being great at thinking about everything in general, wrote a great piece called the Symposium in which a bunch of very well-spoken intelligent leaders of Greek society get together and have a speech competition. called an enconium where each speech giver must give a speech in honour of the goddess Eros. 



The speech I love the most is the one by the poet Aristophanes.  Aristophanes was one of the most revered classical comedians, and was considered a genius of his time.  Aristophanes begins by telling a story about how people used to be, in primal times, double-bodied beings that were attached in such a way that they were spherical creatures that rolled around.  (This is, of course, meant to be funny and it really is when you think about it.) 

They were powerful beings that challenged the gods, and Zeus, who had pity on them, decided to separate them into two halves instead of destroying them outright.  He made their skin tight and stitched them up, and made them always feel that they were looking for their other half.   When two people who have been separated find each other, they never want to be separated again. Aristophanes said that as long as we work with the goddess of Love, we can again find wholeness.  The piece is meant to be comedic, but comes off with a strong sense of truth to it.  I think a lot of us feeling like we spending our lives looking for something, or someone, to complete us.

And whenever I think about the feeling of love, I think about that.  I think we always think we are half of something, and not a whole something.  We're always searching for that one person, that one activity, and that one object that we can love with our whole hearts.

And sometimes I wonder, where do our feelings reside in this search for the one thing that will rule us all?  When you have a crush on someone, is that part of love, or is that something else?  When you feel turmoil, or you read poems of people that can't sleep, can't eat, have the jitters, is that feeling love, or is that something else?  Or when you think romance, is that enough to call that love?

I think in English we use love to mean many different things, but I always wonder if love isn't about the greatest goods in our lives.  Love should be edifying.  As in, love should make us feel whole, should make us feel more than ourselves, just alone.  I feel that true love, the best kinds, are the kinds that make life worth living, and make life 'good' not necessarily always 'exciting' in the same way that a romantic partner is, but love is something stable and useful in human moral life. 

 But I still wonder, when do all the other little forms of love, of those overflowing feelings we have for romantic partners, for friends, for strangers, turn into that better thing?  And what feelings are red herrings, that we think are good for us, but actually harm us in the long run?  (Like those romantic feelings that cloud our judgment.)

I don't really have an answer this week to what I'm thinking about in that sense and I don't think I'm required, especially at this point of my life, to have an answer to a question like that.   But I do think it's always good to love all people....and by love I mean to try and provide those moral goods in other people's lives, in hopes it enriches their happiness and sense of well-being.  Because we all need to be loved, even if it's just a little, sometimes that's enough when your day has gone wrong and everything seems upside down, sometimes people just need to say that they care, or show that they care, to make sense of things.

VOW: Hal The Misinterpretive Porn Star

TOW: Mindblank!

I wish I could say I've been thinking about something this week, but I really haven't.  Well, nothing related to work stuff, or life stuff.  I have sort of re-found a passion for some of my hobbies, which is really nice, and I'm working on a few side projects, that I really hope that I can share with you guys soon.  I guess the one thing I have been thinking about lately is the comment, "Being passionate means you would do things even if you had to do them for free."  I've sort of been thinking about that, and how I do a lot of things for free, but I really like them.  (Heck, I think if I charged money for certain activities I wouldn't like them as much...)

But generally, my thoughts for the upcoming weeks are:  Work, side projects, sleep, Liz is here, exercise.  It helps that I was out till 5 a.m. last night so that would explain why I'm not really in a thinking mood.

VOW: Happy Halloween

Bahaha

Found here:  http://jakethelab.com/

Liz and I halloween 2011

Eating Dinner with Liz at Joy Bistro

Liz terrified of the streetcar

Hur hur. 

One of my Best Friends is in Toronto! =D

Liz is here!  She's LIVING here!!!! =D


Afternoon and evening hijinx to follow!  =D

TOW: Taking Chances

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" ~ Frank Scully

I've been doing some things lately that are very risky.


Anyone who knows me probably knows I'm a very risk-averse person.  (Er, now that I think of it, maybe people don't think that.  Actually, now I just wonder what people think....) I like to manage all my risks and not go out too far into the unknown and be eternally screwed, that sort of thing.  But lately I have been working with the attitude, especially in business, that risk is a good thing, and with bigger risks will come bigger rewards.

Er, well maybe!



=)

And while I might not be singing "Taking Chances" by Celine (although, full disclosure, I may be listening to it...) I'm certainly interested in pursuing activities that allow me to take chances and feel good about myself.  There's a big world out there, and it's tough to just look over a chasm of opportunity and not know what's around the corner.  (I'm the kinda guy that likes knowing what's around the corner...)

I think a lot of people are scared about taking chances where they might lose out, big time.  I've never been scared of things like that (although there are times I'm scared while doing such things) and I rather enjoy going out and trying new things, it really lights up my life most days.  Because sometimes the most interesting thing about life is knowing that you can change in an instant, if only you're open to the idea of doing something differently.

VOW: Chocolate Weetabix

I effin' loved this.

At Small Business Forum 2011

TOW: Getting Older

Between all the bad news friends got this week, and going to very business-y conferences this week, not to mention the ridiculous weekend antics my friends got into, it's been a bit of a weird week.  I'm realizing that I'm getting quite sick of the 'social scene' that Toronto has to offer, not to mention all the drama that people my age often have.  My friend Derek was actually quite depressed because we walked into a bar for a drink and he realized he was surrounded by people in their 40s out to party on a Saturday night.  I suppose it had never occurred to him until that moment that that could be his life in 10-15 years.  It freaked him out a little bit and he said to me, "Can you imagine going to a bar when you're 40 in a suit like these people?"

Of course I can't.

The point for me is that as I get older, I get interested in different things.  These days, my career and my love life are a big focus for me, especially because dating only gets harder as you get older.  I'm starting to think about the future, and what I want for myself, and for my family.  I'm sure when I'm 40, I'll be interested in fibre content and heart health, but until then, bacon for breakfast is a magical thing.  Oh, and eggs.  I love eggs.

My joints aren't what they used to be, and now I try and take care to not injure myself because I take a lot longer to heal these days.  I can see my hair isn't as full as it used to be, but I've still got a pretty good mane, so I count myself among the lucky (and the vain).  Life changes as you get older.  And most people say, getting older sucks.

 I'm not entirely sure about that, but I am sure that I will try and enjoy my life for what it is, not for what I wish it would be.  I don't really need a lot to be happy, and I think I've actually pared down my expectations and needs for what it takes for me to be content.  I don't need a lot of 'things' although I will admit I can't get enough of new technology and new toys, but I like simple things, like hanging out with my friends, being creative on my own time, and volunteering.  Stuff like that really gets me in the right frame of mine.

I'm sure that if/when I make it to 40, I'll be just as happy then as I am now.  Or maybe even happier.  Because for me, my happiness expands as the number of good, trusting people in my life expands.  And slowly, that number is growing, here in the big city.  I'm learning ways to protect myself from the sort of problems people experience here, and I'm also learning how to love myself, as someone who hasn't really lived in English Canadian culture as an adult for a very long. (technically, for me, I grew up in a foreign country, all by myself.)  But I'm learning to love it in my own way.

I know some things won't be good about growing older, but there's a lot of good things in life to enjoy, no matter what age, and what ails you.  I only hope that I can face age with grace rather than vanity, and hope rather than despair as things change and my younger years get left behind.

VOW: BeenerKeeKee19952 With Glee Cast.

Apparently this kid, named Keener Cahill has a disability, but he's lip synced famous videos with a BUNCH of celebrities, and they all seem to be having a lot of fun. It's cute to watch. The one with Jason Derulo is also pretty cute.

Wow, Blogger finally came out of the 1990s....scary thought.  I've updated my template...let me know if you think it's too much...I kind of like the wider style, I'll have less problems with the updated CSS and HTML I think, so here's to new things!

Being Employed

I got texts from two friends within two hours of each other that they had been laid off.

I thought about saving this until the weekend, but I wanted to talk about how I feel about things like this.

Being unemployed sucks.  It really sucks.  Being let go, especially when you've been working hard really hurts.  And all those feelings you have about work, about how hard (or not hard) you've been trying come up out of nowhere and attack you when your defenses are down.  And all you can do is say, "Well, here's to the future."  For some people, that transition into something that is 'the future' is going to be really easy, and they won't spend more than several weeks unemployed.

But more and more people my age are getting laid off, and being unable to re-employ themselves. I should know because it's happened to me.  It's not pretty and you feel like an arse throughout the entire process.   There are plenty of people in the baby boomer age group that complain when they are laid off because they say young people are taking all their jobs.  Haha.  Yeah right. 

I have a hard time feeling sorry for these people.  You've had a life to make yourself a living and savings.  You have a nest egg usually and you, baby boomers, and sub-prime mortgages, are the reason people my age can't get employment anywhere.  I've seen people 10 years too old to be in junior positions and working them like the next hot intern off the press.  In other words, no matter what happens in the next twenty years, my generation is screwed.  We don't know it yet, but having followed the labour stats around the world, and it's not pretty.  In Spain, youth unemployment, ages 15-24 is 45%.  It's higher than Greece, which is 42.9%.

Basically half of Spain's youth are unemployed.  And the 'regular' unemployment rate of Spain is 21.3%  That means there are about 5 million people unemployed in Spain.  Think about that....Canada only has 33.7 million people.  If we had that many unemployed, where would we be??  Our unemployment number say that we're at 14 per cent youth unemployment, and the overall unemployment rate is 7%.  It's going down, but it doesn't mean people are employed full-time it just means they're employed.  People are age are stuck in terminal, part-time or entry level positions.   

The real employment stat that no one wants to talk about, but has been featured in the media for over a year, is how many unemployed college and university grads there are...and let me tell you, there are a lot of them.  But no one is counting them as a separate group unless it's a university, and they inflate their numbers for marketing purposes.  When was the last time Stats Canada ever did anything that helped people ages 25-30 or counted them as a separate group?  Because that's my generation, and we've been referred to by Macleans as 'Generation Screwed.'

And I believe it.  Other than my friends that have government or bank jobs, I can't think of anyone my age who isn't hopping from ship to sinking ship.  Because no one can afford to employ people in my age group.  We don't have enough experience, we don't have enough connections, and we don't have enough opportunity.  It's a bit of rant, but when will people our age be granted middle class opportunities that were available to the generations before us?  And I'm not saying, "Where's my piece of the pie?"  I'm saying "Where'd the freaking pie go?" 

 
If and when I ever run a bigger business, I hope I employ plenty of people my age, from my generation, and plenty of people younger than me.  I wish more organizations would put effort into hiring younger employees.  They're cheaper, they will generally work hard or even harder than more senior employees and they honestly want to get experience.  I'm really sick of seeing what has been happening to people I've gone to school with and other friends lose their jobs over economic conditions they can't control.  When a friend loses their job, it just makes me really, really sad.  Employment was bad in the 90s as well, but this...this is the fault of a bunch of bad decisions and bad debt.  I'm fine with both of those things, but when are people older than me going to start making smart decisions for themselves and for their own children instead of complaining that they don't understand why their kids can't find jobs.


Ugh.  I could rant about this all day.

TOW: What I'm Thankful for in 2011

Well, it's been a year.


It's been a really long year in some ways.  In fact, it's been a tough year.  But it's been a liveable year.   Year before that, not so much.

What I'm thankful for this year is a pretty good list:

• My health
• My family, my really, really great family.
• My best friends.  The people who call me several times a day just to tell me they're stressed or bored or wondering what's going on in my life.  For the people who climb stairs with me or push me to be sillier, smarter, calmer, stronger than I would be by myself.
• For the peace we have in Canada.  
• For the safe access to food and water that we have in abundance.  There's plenty of places this year (Haiti, Africa in general, Sudan, Somalia) where social injustice, poverty and famine are literally killing the people.
• For the (relative) financial stability of Canada and myself this year.  My life sometimes feels mirrored by the world's financial state at the moment.
• For all the tough situations this year that have made my life harder, but have got me working to create a better life for myself.

More than anything, I'm thankful for anyone in my life that has tried to make me smile and be happy over the past year.  So cheers to those people who have been there for me during the rough times, and laughed with me during the good times.

VOW: Crazy Russian on the Beach

TOW: Dreams

A long time ago, a wise Asian philosopher has a very realistic dream that he was a butterfly.  When he awoke, he wondered, was he a butterfly that was dreaming he was a human, or a human that dreamt he was a butterfly?

Descartes continued along this line of thought, and asked, what's to stop us from assuming our version of reality is made up?  Perhaps there could be some sort of demon-like conspirator, who keeps us tangled up in what we think is reality, which is really just a dream-like state. 

More than anything, the dreams we have at night not only make us question the reality we have, but can  colour our perceptions of reality and our day-to-day tasks.  


There is nothing worse than dreaming you'll fail an exam or an important task the night before said task actually happens.  But those dreams make a difference in how we perceive our reality and how we deal with certain tasks from time to time.  Sometimes I've had feelings change towards an individual that I don't know very well simply because I had a dream where that person was one of the main characters, so to speak. Jung wrote a very interesting line about dream analysis, and said that we often take for granted the power of our subconscious mind:


The dream shows the inner truth and reality of the patient as it really is: not as I conjecture it to be, and not as he would like it to be, but as it is."  (The Practice of Psychotherapy)
 

And this is the beauty and also the danger in having dreams.  Dreams seem to us to be an alternate reality:  a place where physical laws need not be obeyed, nor regular societal standards, and dreams to us often forebode tellings of the future or reminiscences of the past.  And the few times that dreams do speak to our present, the dream is rarely a more pleasant version of the reality we have--it is often alien, and seemingly strange to the way we currently live our lives.

What really matters in life is that we take dreams to be part of us--part of those crazy and wild desires we ignore, part of our 'shadow self' that we repress, part of ourselves that sometimes we didn't even know existed.  But dreams can change the way we think about people in real life, and change the way we think about ourselves.  Dreams are not necessarily there to guide us, but often to show us something hidden that we have yet to consider or discover.

VOW: Dynamic Baby Dance Lessons

\
\



Hilarious.

TOW: Acceptance

It's funny how much things can change in a year.

I think back to last summer, and how different my life was then versus now. 

I'm not going to lie.  I used to hate Toronto.  And I would be lying if I said I'm now in love with Toronto.


Instead, I feel like the longer I live here, the more I come towards a happy medium, something a little closer to normal, a little farther away from the crazy sort of way things were when I first arrived.   More than anything, I really feel like things keep changing for the better...and that the more I focus on the little things that make me happy and successful, the more life around here seems to normalizes.  In a city like Toronto, where crazy is the new black, that's saying quite a lot.  You just have to find your bubble, I guess.

I often compare living here to living in Belgium.  It's funny, living in Belgium, I should have felt worse.  I couldn't get a full-time job there, couldn't speak either national language with any skill, and I spent a lot of time alone, and screwed up a lot while I was there. 

But Belgium was where I first became an adult.  Everything that had anything to do with becoming self-sufficient, and taking care of myself.  Everything was great.  Every challenge was fresh, and no words can describe the adventure of living by yourself in a country a million miles from home.  It's liberating and exhaustingly fun all at the same time,

Toronto, instead, was kind of a step backwards.  It was a big city (big minus) it was unfriendly in a Canadian sort of way (bigger minus) and I tried my best to make good choices for myself, and a combination of circumstances and attemps to 'do the right thing' ended me up in so much more trouble that I almost never saw the end of it.  (Biggest minus)  My goals have really changed in the last couple of years, and sometimes it was a really hard change to face. 

But with time, and my late twenties (soon to be early thirties, eep) comes a different kind of understanding of my life, and the phases in it.  Where in my twenties I was running at a break-neck speed towards a goal that eventually stopped existing, I have a feeling my thirties (if I make it there, you know, don't get hit by a bus and all that) will be about taking my energy and trying to make something that's going to last.  And part of making things last relies on accepting the present for what it is and leaving the past in the past, all while having hope for the future.  Because we all need hope.

The one thing that has really hit me over the past two weeks or so is that you can avoid facts for only so long before it becomes symptomatic of a bigger health problem, physical or otherwise.  And the fact is that you own your own life.  You can love it, or hate it.  You can find every crazy, embarrassing thing that is wrong about your life a total drag, or you can accept these things for what they are, a type of growing pain we always seem to experience, again and again. 

And accepting you for being you, at the present moment, is no easy thing.  But I think it's a worthwhile exercise.

VOW: Drunk Squirrel

I love this squirrel.

TOW: A Family of friends

I've been thinking a lot about what makes people happy in general.

After having a long period of time away with my family, I realized that whenever I have been really happy in life, I have always managed to have a family of friends to rely on.

It seems to me that what really matters in life is the size and quality of your social structure.  And that quality can be evaluated based on how 'familial' your friends are.  Yes, some of them are like the cousin you never wish you had, but on the other hand, we love people in spite of their flaws.  (Indeed, sometimes it's people flaws that make them charming, not their better qualities.)

As I get a bit older now, and live so far away from my family, I'm starting to see the benefit, as well as the peril, of living with/out a family that I've created.  Having good friends in my life has always been integral to me saying that I'm successful as a person.  And, I have some really great friends (although, granted, not all of them live in one place).

I was looking for statistics on the 'new' style of blended families, which is to say, families of your own choosing, but they're far and few between. I have seen them in the past, but I can't seem to pull up anything now.  But I remember it being that said that a healthy social life created a kind of family between people of different groups and backgrounds based on a need to have a social 'grounding' so to speak.  And this grounding in group of people with different roles creates stability in a life where there might be less stability.

It's a good feeling to feel 'safe' because you're surrounded by people that can fill the roles of uncle, spouse, brother, sister, father/mother in some cases.  And those roles really matter because we still judge our 'other' societal relations based on our contact or need to attend events with our 'family' whether chosen or blood-related.  In reality, we all have to 'choose' our family--to love them or hate them, to trust them or distant ourselves from them.  But good family members will always be there for us, even if it isn't always quite in the way we expect.

VOW: Last Friday Night

As per usual, Katy Perry produces original content. Wait for the Corey Feldman at the end.

TOW: Money and Love

I spent a lot of time thinking this weekend about the kind of family I am from.  My brother got married this weekend, and it was interesting to see the difference between the bride's family and our family.  It hurts to say this, but our family probably paid for all of the wedding.  And weddings are interesting because they are not romantic events that have Hollywood moments.  They're actually quite political in nature.

It's funny that we all think that people these days marry for love and for common interests between them and their partner...especially since the state of marriage, since time immemorial, has been, for the most part, a practical arrangement.  Even in Genesis in the Bible, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone."  God didn't say it's not good to be without love.  Just that it's not good to be without someone, and to be without God.  These are practical concerns, not romantic or 'emotional' concerns.  God was rational when he did what he did.

And history shows that arranged marriages were made to produce good children and bloodlines as well as financial gain and stability.  Very few wedding attendees, now and almost certainly back then, talk about whether they think the couple is in love, or how in love a couple seems.  It's more that people talk about the food, how long the speeches were, whether they were hot, crowded, bored or tired...people talk about all things political at a wedding, and more than anything, it's usually about whether a wedding was expensive or cheap.

And like all good things of price, a good wedding is expensive.  The average expected cost of a wedding in Canada is $23, 330.  In the U.S., it's about $24k

People often comment whether a bride buys into money or not.  Great novels have been written about if a woman chooses a penniless man she loves or a man with $ who is good enough. 

Very rarely do the two coincide, apparently.

I got to witness a lot of political family undercurrents, a lot of interesting surprises, and a lot of questions about what it is that makes a marriage great.  In the end, the most important thing seems to be true--practical concerns will make or break a marriage.  Therefore, money is not the key to happiness, but it seems to be the key to a good marriage and a good family life.

While I'm not sure I entirely believe that, experience seems to be teaching me otherwise.  I've seen a lot this weekend that suggest that people marry not for love, but because marriage is a practical social arrangement.  Not convienent, but practical.  Convienent would be common-law.

Anyways, the point is that marriage requires a lot of work...and that means loving the other person, but also recognizing the practical needs of your partner and yourself.  Because it seems to be that ignoring those practical needs will certainly result in the failure of any healthy relationship.

VOW: Ring Arts

Congrats Adam

I couldn't be happier.

Possibly the Awesomest Video Ever

I loved this.  Hehe.

VOW: Kitten Has Too Much To Drink

Haha, I love it.

TOW: Believe in Me

I spent a lot of this week being unable to sleep, thanks to a broken air conditioner and a minor heat wave (Going from a sweet 21 degrees to 27 when it's 'cool' is a bit of an adjustment...) and my energy levels were really low.  There were things I wanted to do, but I just didn't feel motivated.  I did just above the bare minimum this week and it sucks when that happens. 

Then I finally got a call from a client I had submitted a proposal to something like a week ago, and they just assumed it was fine and asked me for all the things I wanted to hear.  "Can you do this?  Can you start this without me?  Etc."  Suddenly, I have energy and I'm a lot happier than I was in the middle of the week.  (And thankfully the A/C now works again.  Whew!)

The difference between the middle of this week and the end of this week is pretty simple.  Someone believed in me and asked for my help. 

I don't know what it is like for other people, but I definitely have a hero complex.  I like helping people, to a fault, and that's ok with me.  But the thing that's really tough for me, and I think for almost everyone except perhaps the delusional, is when I feel like no one believes in me, in what I'm doing, in who I am.  There's nothing quite as invalidating as someone telling you you're nothing, and the opposite, at least for me, is super validating.  There's nothing I like more than someone believing in me.

Of course, this isn't the same as believing in myself (I do that just fine, thanks).  But part of the reason I like a lot of the work I do and I like working for myself is because I view a lot of the work I do as helping someone else achieve a goal they have.  And the better I get at the work I do, and the more experience I have, the more I tend to be able to validate those beliefs that people have in me.  And there's nothing as satisfying, not quite, as being able to to make real the beliefs people have in you.  We do that when we make commitments, and keep them.  We do that when we exceed other people's expectations.  We make what we believe, reality.  And to me there's nothing quite as interesting, and as satisfying as taking other people's belief in you, and making it reality, for you and for others...in a good way.

TOW: Like What You Like

I have a lot of friends with very diverse interests.  Some are really conservative, some are creative types, some are a bit shady at times and reliable at other times...I've been friends with a lot of different people from different cultures, countries and backgrounds.  Some of my friends are geeks, some of them are socialites, I surprisingly even have a few hipsters around, but I love my friends.  And, if there's one thing I've learned from all of them , it's that you like what you like, no exceptions.

Part of the reason I like some of the people I like in my life are people who are unashmed to like the things they like in life.  Some people are total geeks, and they can rock that.  Others are serial introverts, and I enjoy spending time with them because I learn from their different perspectives on life.  I like people who can boldly express how they feel about things they like.  Whether you like ponies or princesses, (Or being a princess, it's just a matter of taste, I guess...) everyone has different interests, and part of the spice of life for me is being around people who really love doing the things that they do.

I think we all have different interests in life and things that we like, but no matter what we like, or who we like, we should never be ashamed of the things we like.  The beautitful and great things in life come from having self-respect for your own way of living, whether that's working on your farmer's tan or staying up all night with friends at a bar.  I think it's a good, healthy thing to really be in touch with those activities that make you happy and feel like a worthwhile person. 

The goal of life is not to exceed other people's expectations about what we do and why we do it--the point is to love what we love and to love others around us as we engage in day-to-day life.









Sometimes I wonder why I like the people I like...and then I realize I like anyone that I think I can trust, even a little bit.  It's a hard thing to learn, but once you realize that people are not there to

VOW: How To Design Like an Architect

I learned a lot by watching this video.

Happy Epic Beer Day Everyone!

TOW: Feeling Comfortable

You know, if there was ever a moment I thought I felt the most safe, the most comfortable, the most loved, the most free, I think I could point to it.  It was Grade 12 of my high school year, I was driving around in the first vehicle I ever owned (a veritable death trap to all those that rode with me) drinking an extra large coke slurpee and listening to my favourite songs on the radio.  I was on possibly one of the biggest sugar highs of my life, driving down the part of central avenue that had just been built, just past the big blocks stores and the university.  I felt like I had everything I wanted in my life, and I did.  I felt free.


For the last couple years, I think it's fair to say that I felt out of place at times, and that things haven't gone the way I wanted (or expected) would be like saying, "I think that bomb we dropped on Hiroshima was pretty big."  But, besides, that, life is starting to have its grooves again, and having lived in Toronto for over two years now, it feels...comfortable, and I have found areas to live in that make me feel safe and happy.

I was at an independent film shoot last night, as an extra, and it was a typical Toronto scene...I was surrounded by most of the things that annoy and frustrate me.  Hipsters, the smell of weed, people being incredibly rude and 'big city,' some guy who jumped onto the film set naked because he thought it would be 'artistic' (no lie) and it made me realize....while I felt enormously uncomfortable, unsafe, and just generally bored by my surroundings....the atmosphere I hated so much was the one was that was making 35-some-odd-people feel good about themselves...comfortable.  Safe.

There's not a lot I pretend to know about what I'm doing in life these days, but I have sort of found some financial stability, some living situation stability (although I'm sure I'll move in six months or less...) and some career stability, in my incredibly unstable career.  Unlike a year ago, I can do some things without worrying about the cost of them.  That's a huge change from a year ago.  (A year ago I was living off a line of credit, no lie.)   

What those thirty-five people had, the feeling of safety and comfort and 'fitting in' in something I've really strove to have for the last couple of years.  I hope I am starting to take the kind of risks that move me in the direction I want my life to go, instead of letting circumstances dictate the way things should be.  It's a really hard skill to learn, or relearn, since most people have this skill when they are comfortable, but lose it once things fall apart, once they must make the choice to face their fears with entirely no help but their own strength of will...even the best of us quail in the face of that trial.  The ability to be patient with life and move forward without hesitation towards the goals you want is not something we easily achieve.

It's easy to reach for the stars when the ground isn't heaving like an earthquake.  And for several years, the earth has been heaving beneath me, whether through my own mistakes, or my inability to have known where certain decisions would lead me.  But every day I'm learning, that following my heart is what takes me back to that feeling comfortable.  Feeling safe.  Rightness in myself.

And I hope, (and at this point, honestly pray) that the more I right myself to those things that make me feel safe, and right, and comfortable, the more my world can be one of happiness, that I can share that happiness with others, and that maybe my safety, my 'comfortableness,' will be able to be given to others, others who need it.

Because it's just alright to feel free, easy, comfortable, and safe.  But it's tragic to feel that way in a world where other people feel desperate, lonely and afraid.  It's up to us, and only us, to make our world one where everyone can feel that they are good, worthwhile human beings.

And sometimes it doesn't take more than a feeling of being free.

TOW: Star Wars Office Jerk

Restraint

You know, some of the best things that have happened to me have been because I have managed to show restraint in my life.  Whether it means not drinking on a night out, or eating less (because I regularly enjoy pigging out, big time.) or not getting angry when things don't go my way, I've almost always been rewarded for taking steps back, and examining what's going on in my life, and taking the course that is modest, understanding and quiet. 

While it's fun to have lots of adventure, get messy, make mistakes, and just generally enjoy life, more can be accomplished with what even just a little bit of restraint most times.  It's good to be passionate, but it's also good to be focused in our desires, wants and needs.

One of the things about human beings in general is that they need time to appreciate what they have, and the more we bombard our senses and try and reach for certain kinds of highs in our lives, the less time that we have to appreciate the things we have in our lives. 

More than anything, having restraint means the ability to appreciate the role of time in our lives.  Everything takes time....some things take more time than others.  I often get caught up trying to solve things in my life instantly, and I guess that's an offshoot of me trying to be practical.  Which is funny, since I don't think most of my friends would call me practical.  ^_^

More than anything, all good things in life take time.  A good life takes time.  Part of the problem with everyone in my generation, and all people my age, is that we want so much, but we don't know how to get it within a proper timeframe that makes sense to the rest of the world, or to ourselves.  We frustrate our own ends, and often.  We all have a long ways to go before we'll be where we think we ought to be.

And that sort of thinking requires restraint.

VOW: Optimism campaign by Maxwell Coffee

I saw this video on tv, and I just had to share it...Maxwell is doing an amazing campaign that is such good social media, and really just neat to watch.

The text says, roughly:  "Instead of watching a pot of coffee of Maxwell House, Why not pause for a moment of optimism?"  With Shale, a 9 year old dancer.  So postive.  I don't know how you feel, but I love this little dancer. 

Optimism, it's contagious.


(What a great idea!)

TOW: Pride in TO

I learned a lot this weekend. 

While I have never had the desire to go to the pride parade, or any pride parade, really, I had a intersection of friends, events and need to get out and enjoy the weather that led me to watch at least part of the parade, and just sort of walk around and experience everything.  I took a lot of photos (and a lot of things I'm glad I didn't take photos of--naked Elvis being one of them.)  and I'd share them all here, but I'm a bit too lazy and it's late at night, yadda yadda, I'd rather just type out my thoughts.

I think the biggest thing I learned this weekend was that you should always stick to your guns if you know you're right, even if it means you don't get to win or if you feel like you should show mercy.  In life, business, relationships, etc. I have always been a 'nice guy' about things.  And, I like to think that I'm still a nice guy about things, but that I've gotten much better (or perhaps recovered for my adult self) the ability to say no to people's tomfoolery.  I know who I am and I know what I want and I'm not going to sacrifice my values over something really stupid that someone else did or wants to do. 

That being said, everyone needs the space to make their own mistakes.

The other thing I learned, or perhaps remembered, is that there's a lot to be said for living freely, loving who you are, and not letting life's little moments stop you from expressing yourself.  Pride events, in Toronto, and around the world, are about more than just penises in fuzzy suits.  (One of the many pictures I'm not putting on here...) A lot of families and people from every walk of life come to pride events, including me, because it's usually a really life-affirming sort of event.  Everyone is there to dance, socialize, walk around, and just generally have a good time without causing other people any problems.  Lots of people were just walking around giving high fives.  It's a good atmosphere feeling.  It's good to be who you are.  You should love yourself.  That doesn't mean you should like everything that is going on in your life, but you should stop looking at every small thing as if it isn't important.  Savoring every moment really does matter, and it does make life better.  Life is worth living, as long as you are willing to accept that the life you have is the one you want.

Everyone wants to feel accepted...not everyone gets to be.  It's probably our biggest hurdle and responsibility to accept ourselves, and to be true to ourselves first. 

VOW: Wizard Love

For all those interested in Harry Potter:  This already hit 500k views.

TOW: The Working Life

I think back, all the time, to two books I read in environmental philosophy back in my undergraduate degree.  The first was Ishmael, which I will always love, and the second is Small Is Beautiful, which is quite possibly the most boring book on the planet, but also one of the most applicable books to modern society.

You see, Ishmael is all about the culture of agriculture and modern society.  The book asks:  how many people can live on the planet and we all can still be happy?  The answer seemed to be, that we create more people than the planet can sustain, and we starve ourselves and our families over time.  In other words, most of the problems associated with famines is our own fault.  The book is fairly complex, but the gist of it is about how differently we live from people who first walked the earth...most of us have forgotten the principles of living well, both in an environmental sense and a cultural sense.  We don't value what we have.

On the other hand, Small is Beautiful is sort of like a next step up from that, a Jane Jacobian guide to how to create the kind of communities Jacobs envisioned as creating great urban living.  It talks about the value of work, and the value of having enough in terms of work....because work should be the focus of our lives, in the sense that work should be seen as a social good.

What I have come to realize is that a large portion of the industrial, and now the information age, are unhappy with the nature of work.  And more than that, people are generally unhappy with their lives.  While some would say it's because we work too much, I would instead say it's because most of us work too little.  Throughout the day, we all do tasks that have meaning for us, some more than others, but work means an act of creation, or even simply an act that has value to us and society.

Let me interrupt this thought with a story.  I used to work at a commerical grocery bakery.  Every day, I would create buns, pastries, cookies and other good for consumption.  I loved cooking and baking, and this had value to me.  Every day, however, at the end of my shift, I would throw away approximately 20 pounds of pastries, buns, breads, sweets, and generally anything else past its due date.  Those items were not allowed to be donated, given to charity, used, given to employees (that's actually considered theft in a grocery store) or otherwise consumed.  It was waste...in grocery terms:  it was "shrink." 

Throwing perfectly good food, food that was meant for pleasure and not neccessarily for nutritional value, killed my soul.  To me, there is nothing better in modern life than being able to do something, to have something, simply because you want it.  It's a luxury not many countries or people can afford these days, and baked goods are made to produce that feeling of 'feeling good' that has been gotten over years of hard work, work that actually mattered.


I think that, sometime in the near future, someone is going to stand up and say, "Hey, the way we work isn't valuable, and we're hurting our own people and culture by continuing to create line workers out of perfectly intelligent, vivid and interesting people."  Many movies have explored this problem, many books have explored this problem, but unfortunately, the words 'outsource' and 'downsize' are still a very large part of our vocabularies. 

I think my life changed after reading those books, but even more so after I saw their basic principles applied again and again. We're becoming so efficient that we're eliminating jobs as the population increases, and some people have simply given up on looking for work.  In other words, we're no longer starving people because of the inability to monitor the amount of food we have, but we're willfully creating a society where people are going to be unemployed for at least a larger portion of their lives.  And more than that, we're outsourcing the valuable, high level thinking work to cheaper companies, while keeping on the people who can do the mundane tasks that no one would do without the benefit, the value of creating something that work should give us.

VOW: If Homer Simpson were real

This.....creeped me out.

TOW: What Does a Father Want for Father's Day?

I remember, about seven years ago, probably the worst father's day I ever had to experience.

I spent days, weeks, looking for a gift for my Dad (stepdad) that he would like, and it would be from all of us, me and my brothers.  I ended up buying him a Swiss Army Windbreaker, that came with cologne.  (Or was it the other way around?  I think you can see where this story is heading.)  My dad could not have looked more disappointed.  I couldn't have been dumber.

It's a hard lesson to learn that dads, in general, don't want gifts.  They want many things, but they don't want things.  Like most Hallmark Holidays, it's hard to understand why men would want useless gifts at all. 

Perhaps there are some sentimental dads out there, but most dads just want quality time and quality experiences with the people they actually value.  I know both of my dads just like a little time to relax, do what they like, and a 'Happy Father's Day.'  That's good enough.

So, this Father's Day, I called both my dads (I do double duty on Father's Day)  and talked with them the same way I always do.  The funny thing about special days is that most people don't want to be treated special, they just want to know that you care, and that you thought of them, and remembered.  Most people don't want the kind of special treatment we see on tv.  Granted, there are very materialistic fathers out there, but they are always pretty clear what they want.  =)

A dad just wants what any man wants:  to feel needed, respected, useful and proud of himself.  Anything you do to forward that sort of feeling, is certainly a gift of high price.

VOW: I'm Not Gonna Pee My Pants

Words cannot describe.  ^_^

TOW: Dating and Relationships

Dating is complicated.

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, who said, "I'm glad I'm in a committed realtionship with someone because I'm terrified of dating again.  It's a good thing I'm in love [with the person I'm with]." 

Another friend of mine is constantly having issues with a new boyfriend.

The rest of my friends are terminally single (comme moi!) or married.

The more I think about it, I wonder...why do we date anyways?

I've been on a couple dates recently, some planned, some not-so-planned (don't ask...sigh) and my reaction has been, "What am I doing here, again?"

I have had fun, but no, I haven't really been attracted to anyone, or even, like, cared, really.  For me it's been a social exercise. (Which should say a lot about me to begin with.  Heh.  Ah well.)

I have gone on a lot of dates/planned a lot of dates in the past,  (With about somewhere between 50-60 people over the last four years) sat through a lot of awkward coffee conversations, had more than my fair share of horror stories.  In fact, minus one or two pleasant surprises, I think it would be fair to say my dating life is sort of like going to the zoo.  You meant to just peruse the attractions, but you end up among a bunch of baboons and apes for no particular reason you can recall.

We always seem to go through these sort of exercises, minus those who marry their high school sweetheart or equivalent therein.

After all the lost cash on cheap martinis and fake emergency phone calls to get out of awkward situations, why do people still do it?

I kind of feel like people date because they won't lose hope, even as they hope against hope. 

More than anything, I think everyone is afraid of feeling alone.  And it's hard not to once you get to the age where everyone starts getting busy and unable to return your phone calls.

Even more than that, it has been described to me as that kind of feeling you feel right before you go to sleep.  It's cold, but not from the temperature, but it's cold because it feels empty and you maybe wonder if there should be a person laying beside you.  Or maybe at least a cat.  (Or, if you're really desperate somewhere between ten to twenty cats.  Because, well, it worked for this lady)

I think humans are really resilient, really social creatures.  And to us, even those who are fairly introverted, being tired because we're with someone is always preferable to being alone all the time by ourselves.  We have social needs. 

And I think those social needs are what propel all of us to reach out and communicate with people, especially people we can call 'on our side.'

In more ways than one.

VOW: Very Angry Cat

This kitty is lovely.

VOW: The Difference Between Nice and a Friend

You know, I learned sometime around January 2010 a really awful truth. 

'Nice' is not a good thing. 

Which is funny.  Not like 'ha-ha' funny, but more like, 'Am I on the Twilight Zone' sort of funny or 'Did that really just happen' sort of funny.  Odd, I suppose, is the right word.  It's strange how horrible nice can be. 

There are a lot of nice people in the world.  Nice means smiling, seeming to care, feigning interest, and generally remaining neutral to your cause, feelings, problems, and mistakes. 

Some people like having nice people around.  It's nice when people seem not to judge you, seem not to mind what you do, seem to like you.

But 'nice' isn't a picture of reality.  And nice people aren't your friends. 

Some of the worst things people have done to me have been while they had a smile on their faces.  They were trying to be nice.  You know, that thing that seemed so alright at the time?  But then all those nice people who were feigning interest about things you care about are still feigning interest while they watch your life collapse around you. 

Here's the difference between a friend and a nice person.  A nice person will walk by you in a burning building and comment, "That's really such a shame."  A real friend will pull you out of that burning building. 

We all have something in this world to give.  And some of the best people in the world I know, love and respect are not 'nice' people.  (Heck, most people wouldn't call my mother a 'nice' person, but she's the first to give her shirt off her back for people she absolutely despises.)  The people I love are: cranky, miserable, awkward, generally flawed people with eccentricities and foibles.   And I love them anyways.  And I hope they love me back the same.

It's hard not to want to be surrounded by 'nice'.  Everything's pleasant. no one judges your actions, you feel so safe. 

But, that's not real.  Good friendship to me requires a certain level of respect for a person, but also respect for their feelings, thoughts and actions.  Not to mention the ability to criticize those thoughts and actions when a person gets to close to the fire.  I think Nietzsche said it best when he said, "Go up close to your friend, but do not go over to him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend." 

In life, we are surrounded by enemies...inside ourselves and without.  But the best victories against these enemies come from a true friend.  Nice people just don't cut it in real life.

VOW: Beyonce

This is unfortunate, but I can't embed this video.  Well, well worth watching.  Check it out here.

TOW: Personal Value

I have been talking a lot lately with friends and family about people not being good with commitments.  It seems to me that there are a lot of people in the world (and I include myself in this, guilty as charged, absolutely) that take advantage our your time and seem to consistenly fail to help you when you need it, or at least spend time with you when you need it.

In some ways, it's always our own fault when we rely on acquaintances and false friends.  We're only setting ourselves up for failure when we rely on people we know can't be relied upon.  And usually we have a pretty good sense if someone is a commitment-phobe, reliable, or comes-and-goes-with-the-weather.

Everyone in this world deserves respect, but not everyone in the world deserves your time.  The most precious thing in the world we have is time.  And no one should waste their time on people who don't even know the value of spending time with you.

VOW: Best Practical Joke Ever

Funny or a lawsuit in the making? 

fbmapleleaf

fbmapleleaf, a photo by Moose_711 on Flickr.

Like, dislike?

TOW: Good or Great

In the book The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, there comes a point where Duddy must choose.  He has his family, his girlfriend, and everyone on his side, they worked together, lived together, laughed together, and life was very good.  There was nothing else he could want.  He had everything a good life had.

Except for the very dream that had lead him to this point.

Kravitz worked, gambled, begged, borrowed and stolen to get him to the penultimate place in his life.  He wants land.  He sees a plot of land he wants, and he wants it more than anything else in the world.  Problem is, so does the other richest person in town.  And in one moment, Duddy throws away everything, tumbles from grace rather than falls, and puts all his bridges into flames for the deed to one scrap of land.  Because Kravitz didn't want to be anybody--he wanted to be somebody. 

This was the point in the book I was horrified.

In life, we are faced with a duality, and a Duddy Kravitz dilemma.  Do we choose the plot of land, or do we choose 'the good life?'

No easy answer.

It's not a matter of creature comforts versus our pride--it's much more sincere than that.  It's a question of our most intrinsic desire--to be happy--cut against the grain of our ability to imagine what is possible.  In other words, it is our dreams versus our happiness.  Our desire to change versus our desire to stay the same and love what we have.  It is the difference between good and great.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately, and perhaps it's because I come from a family of people who generally overachieve in some way or another that I often struggle with this problem, and probably I struggle because I want to lead a good life.  And it is simply my desire to be great, to imagine what I could be, that keeps me in so much pain as I strive to create my own income, fund my own dreams, and heck, pay my own rent.  And I think sometimes my problem is that I focus so hard on trying to get ahead I lose sight of the goal.  A plot of land does no one any good if you sacrifice your life and the life of your family for it. 

But still, the desire to be great is in each one of us, and it takes a massive amount of self-understanding to achieve anything valid or valuable in life.  For some of us, we struggle with being good, with self-discipline, with well-ordered desires.  For others, we have lost sight of the possible.  We fail to embrace the goodness and wonder in the universe, the very things that make us wake and sleep.  The whispers in our hearts that say 'keep breathing,'  there is hope farther yet.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in.


Every person's life will foreshadow the mistakes and triumphs of choosing between good and great.  That choice is a harsh reality that takes us down to either good decisions or bad, great decisions or mediocre ones, happy lives or one's without happiness.

In my life, the choice has never been a problem of being good.  It was always easy for me.  I can easily be contented if I feel I am living as a 'good' person. 

But the struggle for me is always to reach out beyond what I am used to, and be afraid to fail, and there are plenty of things that scare me, and failure most of all.  I hate failing. 

In my life, where everything seems to change, day in, day out, as I search for my plot of land, the point is to know greatness comes in many shapes and sizes, as does goodness.  And being a person of value means not being destroyed by your own desire to be wealthy, or a winnner by societal standards.  I have been thinking about what I feel makes me different.  And I have decided that there is very little that makes one person different from one another besides their actions, and their reasons for those actions.  But we don't all have to be a Duddy Kravitz. 

Instead, choose integrity.  Because when we die, or when other people have things to say about us, we can only ever be sure of our own moral integrity, whatever worth that has for us. 

VOW: Cute Bunny! ^_^

In light of Spring.

TOW: Pride Versus Prejudice

I have spent a lot of this week thinking about what it means to be proud of what you do.  And more than that, when you screw up, and say something you didn't mean, or do something you didn't meant to do, how much pride do you have before you apologize? 

I recently have come to the conclusion in my life that people, even if they're wrong, expect me to apologize for any fight that I start/am involved in.  And I'm not talking about an isolated incident, I'm talking about a general trend I'm noticing.  Part of me wonders if I'm just surrounded by hard-headed people (partially true) or whether I am just always wrong whenever I get into a fight/tiff/argument with someone.  (Probably partially true, maybe even 100% true?!!) 

I wonder why I like hard-headed people so much?  Maybe I just like people who see things in  black and white.  Or maybe I'm even more stubborn and hard-headed than everyone else around me.  (Probably also more than a little truth in that.)

Very recently, there have been several incidents where I've been accused of fault.  Or rather, I have no idea what I'm at fault for and I'm not sure what is going on.  And it's weird, because I feel like I'm more than willing to apologize if I think I'm in the wrong...is this not true????  (Someone might have to tell me this...) I'm being pulled into drama that I don't understand...and frankly, I just want my life to be back to normal...whatever that means.

When it comes to our own pride, do our own principles matter more, or would we be happier for swallowing our pride and giving in to making peace, or when does keeping a conflict alive matter to us, matter to our principles? 

I guess for me, I just need to know that I'm not compromising my morals....which sometimes I think people expect me to do, to keep peace.  But peace isn't only social...it's internal.  And I'd rather have internal peace than social peace.

Does that make me pig-headed?  Maybe...but I have a right to my own feelings, opinions, and thoughts.  And sometimes I say the wrong thing, it's true, but I guess I feel like I always try and stand by whatever I say and do, even if I can't always do that as eloquently as I like.

VOW: Dancing Grandpa

Cute.  Everyone's seen it, but cute.

An Easter Miracle?