TOW: The Creative Process

I have been thinking a lot about what makes me a creative individual and what I need to do to be creative.  I have decided I need a couple things:

1. Inspiration:  I need to feel inspired.  Usually I look at pictures for ideas, or I surf the web, letting my mind wander before I choose an idea.  Some of the best ideas I have had have come after discarding several ideas.

2. Process:  I need to fiddle in a workspace for a while on a backdrop that makes sense.  Whether it's a t-shirt mock-up, a sketch, or some kind of website item, I need to have some kind of paper or some area I can just let loose for a while. For work, I prefer to use Illustrator when doing digital graphics.  When writing, I (now) like to make charts and diagrams to refer my writing with.  I find it helps to keep a consistent narrative in view.

3. Designing:  Once I have an idea firmly in place, I try and provide several variations of the same idea.  So, this could mean I do a graffiti art piece (like today) and I do versions with different colour combinations and different item placements, but generally with the same 5-6 items.  This way I can decide where things belong, and think about what makes the most sense visually, or on page.  This applies to my writing process as well.  I find I'm constantly moving sections of words for placement value.

4. Editing: I mock-up several designs into a one sheet item (writing includes this, give or take) which I then print off to look at.  Sometimes the print really helps me decide on whether I like an item or not.  It helps to do this in varying sizes if I'm only considering slight variations to one design item. 

5.  Revamping:  I then take the one item I'm pleased with and I work on it until I feel it's a finished piece.  This includes writing.  For illustration, I find this is about 3 edits.  For writing, I find it takes me 5-7. Not sure if this has to do with my skill as a writer, or if it's because writing is more subjective than graphic design.

6.  Finalizing:  I then choose the item to present for approval or to use in day-to-day use.

This process can take me anywhere from 1 hour to 1 year.  On an average, however, this process usually takes me a week.

VOW: The Just City

The Just City from The Lifelong Friendship Society on Vimeo.

Snow White

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TOW: Lazy versus Happy

There's one line in a song called "Is the Where It Ends," I always remember from the Barenaked Ladies:

She's like a baby
I'm like a cat
When we are happy
we both get fat


Now, this is not a post about body image, but this is about the link between being content, and being lazy.

I have been pretty lazy these last few weeks.  There have been bursts of craziness at work, and yes, it's been busy here and there, but the real issue is that when I get home, I have been turning on the internet tv,  maybe going to the gym, and just settling into a pattern.  I don't mind patterns, but I've been complacent lately.

And it's because I've been content.

A lot of great things have been happening.  Work is going well, I have low amounts of drama in my life, my family isn't calling every five minutes asking me to move into their basement because they miss me and generally things are pretty swell.  Life is good, and I've been wearing a smile on my face more often.

But what I have found is that when I get complacent, a lot of things start to take a turn for the worse.  I don't exercise as much.  Personal projects (I'm looking at you, iPhone game) get flung to the side and sometimes forgotten for a while or slowed down to the point where there's little progress.  You get lazy.

It's true that the devil work is in idle hands, but more than that, I sometimes find myself slipping into a routine where I go past relaxing, past 'me time' and straight into lazyville.

Oddly, I seem to thrive on chaos, conflict and disorder to propel me into something better.   The last couple years there has been a lot of change in my life, and I think it has to do with the fact that I've been striving for something better.  When I'm mad, or upset, or feeling weird, I feel the need to act, to make change, to do something, anything, to make things better.

When I get happy, it's hard for me to see how much better the quality of life could be if I got another job, got a raise, won some kind of award.   I guess I'm content when I have very little.

But happiness for me springs from being active, and doing things in the world.  My happiness comes from activity, not the absence of it.  So I guess I can be content with very little, but my happiness requires that contentment is never enough.  Happiness has to be a state of being, working, living, changing, and evolving.  And sometimes we don't evolve for the better when we try to change things, but I still think that's better than being a very specific kind of complacent.

VOW: Serbian Eurovision Finalist

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the moms who are my buddies and family, I wish you the best day.  I had a great conversation with my mom this morning.  I love her more than anything. :)

MAN

I haven't posted on here in FOREVER.

I've just found myself really, really busy on Sunday and Monday nights, which is usually when post things here.

I'll be working on a better update schedule in the near future.  For now, though, I just need to focus on getting back on track with some things that really matter to me.  Like writing, for example.  And not just business writing, which I have been focusing way too much on in the last 3 years. It's really hard to write well when most of your thoughts have to be branded and less than three sentences.  Kind of kills the creative process when you're only working for one client.

Writing really matters to me, and though I'm not very good at it, when I am, I really feel like I've accomplished something.

So, I plan to write here more....I've just been on hiatus for a bit!  ^_^

TOW: Buddhist Circles

Sometimes in life, you feel like you're going in circles.

No end, no beginning...just a place in the middle.  You think you're getting good at something, and then something new happens in your life, and everything changes.  Then suddenly you're back at the beginning.  You're never quite finished...well...until you're finished, as in, C'EST FINI.

....

The Buddhists have a sacred art form called 'Mandala.'  They create intricate, beautiful circles in the sand.  

But these circles, even if they're the most beautiful thing that's ever existed, once a mandala is finished, a monk sweeps it away, and starts anew.

Nothing matters in life some much you can't start again and change.  Buddhists use this tool for spiritual meditation, but all humans have the idea of a circle, propelling them deeper and deeper into themselves.

Lately, I feel like, in some way, I'm at the start of a circle. 

In other ways, I feel like I'm near the end.

Buddhists mandalas say a lot about spiritual health and the good life.  The good life is being in the middle of things.  The middle is where it's at.  End are alright, and beginnings can be exhilarating, but for me, save me for the thick of things, the good right in between so many different things.  It can be beautiful, it can be good, and it's almost always meaningful.

VOW: Robbie Williams and One Direction

I'm not huge into these guys, but I kind of love the duet they did.

Holy Moly!

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted here!  Yikes! 

Things have just been so insane lately.  Work, life, etc. is crazy and running two businesses isn't helping.

But I'm managing.  Slowly, but surely.  :)

TOW: Belonging

It's been a rough couple weeks.  I've had not enough sleep, not enough exercise, too much to do, and not enough time to do the things I want.  But, all this 'missing time' has got me thinking about things that I love doing, and things that I'm currently doing.

On the bright side of things, I'm currently doing a lot of the things I love.  I had a great night tutoring a new kid (he's in grade 1) and went for a great run and the work I'm doing at work is interesting, different and challenging.  I have great friends, and lately I've been so social I've been double-booking myself.  All is well with the world.

On the not-so-bright-side, there's a lot of change around me, and not all of it is a good change.   I have never felt so good at what I do while still feeling like I don't really fit in.  I don't fit into this city, I don't fit into the culture, I'm not sure how I'm fitting in at work these days, and I'm eventually not going to fit into these jeans if I keep eating myself out of every emotional crisis I have. 

Sad to say, I'm at one of those times in life where you feel like you don't fit in, you don't belong, and you don't know how to fix it. 

I think if this had happened to me in university, I would have found a way around it, and turned it into a good thing.  I did more than this, and I think I surpassed my expectations in this regard.

I think if this had happened to me in Belgium (and it did happen to me in Belgium) I would find like-minded non-fitters....and I did.

But Toronto is a big city.  You could almost call Toronto the city of people that never fit in.  They never seem to say things quite right, the people I meet here are friendly but distant, especially for Canadians.  I'm getting older, and I don't have too many more 'reinvent your life' phases left in me.  I've used up about three of them in the last five years, so I'd really rather not go back to that.  I want to start building a life that feels significant to me.

In some ways, I'm in the adult phase where it's like puberty all over again.  Your body doesn't make any sense to you, you always seem to say the wrong thing, you don't feel good or confident and everything just seems to be changing too fast for you to finesse things in a way that would make you appear, nice, wise and good.  Instead, you come off looking like a pretentious, stressed-out, stuck-up something-something with rage issues.  (Yes, I'm talking about me.)

But right now it's all about how well the things in my life fit with my vision of a good life for me. 

And very, very select few things are holding me together these days.  I think I'm ready for some positive change.

VOW: Dawson Loves to Dig (Cute)

TOW: Work Habits

Sorry I've been so absent from this blog.  Between me making a video game for iPhone (long story) and the new job that continues to get more interesting by the day (to say the least) I've had my hands full.  Add in some friends, some social engagements and I'm busy.  But most of the time I'm working on the video game...it's pretty much a full time job on top of my full time job.

I'm doing better at managing my workloads with the game, but the truth is, there's still a ton to do.  I'm teaching myself coding, while I go along and work on my graphic design skills (which have gotten exponentially better over the last couple months) and find out business stuff I need to know to develop on the iPhone.  It's time consuming because once I finish one thing, I just start on the next.

But I've learned a lot about how to switch gears quickly thanks to my job, and to this project.

I'll try and keep things updated here, but between blogging and tweeting for the video game account it's keeping me busy.  And busy is good, even if it's stay-in-your-room-and-don't leave busy. =)

VOW : Kids React (This is How I Feel about Minecraft)

TOW: It's not what you have...

Sometimes living in a big city, you compare yourself and what you have to what other people have.  I know that I often find myself caught up in a race against other people and the things they are doing.  Often the feeling you are left with is, "Why does this person have so much, but I have so little?"  It's not the comparison that bothers me, I find, but the feeling your left with.  The feeling like there's a big hole where all the appreciation for what's in your life should be.
I find myself often thinking, "Yes, I have this, this and this, but I don't have this, this and this."  And the focus always seems to be on the things I don't have, on the problems in my life, on the little failures that don't actually mean anything.  And finally, I often ask, "Why can't I be happy, with all the good things in my life?"

Sometimes, when life gets off track, the one and only thing to remember is that happiness comes through trying, not through hoping happiness will arrive.  More than that, I realized that for the last couple years, I have been focusing on the problems that are in my life, on the things I wish that weren't in my life.  It's kind of like focusing on what you hate, about yourself, about your life, about your day.  And then I would try and pull myself out of some deep hole I was in by focusing on what I love and trying to busy myself with that.

What is strange is that when I thought back to those times when I was truly happy, I realized it wasn't because I wasn't focusing on what I loved, or what I hated.  Those two things are constantly in a battle for my attention, but that's not how we can be happy.  Instead, when I was happy, I was focused not on things, but on people.  And not on people that I love, but on the people that love me. It's not what I do, but what others do for me that makes me happy.  We can do all the good deeds in the world for our friends, and yes it can give us a kind of happiness.  But it's not what we do for our friends, or our families, our peers or strangers.  It's what they do for us.

It's not what you have.  It's what you are given that makes you happy.

VOW: Jaane Kyun

From my new favourite Bollywood movie.

TOW: Lenten Values

This Lent I'm not working on giving things up.  This Lent I'm working on readjusting a few things. 


Lent is a time for giving up, it's true, but it's also a time of spiritual strengthening.  We do our training during the desert time of Lent.  And the beauty of that is that with time, we become, much, more fulfilled people by what we gave up or resisted.  It's like a very specific self-help program, once a year.

But the focus of Lent has always been, and will always be for me, about values.  What things, people, ideas, and causes do you value?  What kind of people do you want in your life and what values do they have? 

Lent is a celebration of becoming better, so that when the worst things happen, we can become better people overall.

VOW: Girl Problems

Giving up versus giving in

Probably one of my favourite Dragon's Den episodes of all time was one where a woman came on and tried to get investors involved in her spice-making business.  The woman had lost nearly $100,000 in it, had spent several years trying to make the business work, and she was looking for investment in something she thought could be a big hit with the right leadership.  The idea was so bad, and it was so poorly managed, that one of the dragons told her, "You're being stupid.  Stop investing money in this business.  It's ruining your life."  

The woman wouldn't give in.  She said she believed in her business, and that it was a great idea, and that

There are times in our life when really, the smartest thing we can do is give up. And sometimes, giving up something doesn't mean we're losers.  Sometimes it means we're giving up the things that we making us losers.  That woman was interviewed a year later...and she said the show gave her the best advice of her life.  She was throwing away her life, and she realized she didn't need to try and make something that didn't work.  She gave it up.  And she was happier.

Giving in is slightly different.  When we give in, we're letting go of our willpower to believe that something is possible, or to give in to what other people want.  Giving in is often a negative choice, and we should never give in, if we can help it.

As we start Lent, I will be giving up a lot of things.  These are conscious decisions I'm going to make to positively impact my future, and to show spiritual fidelity.  It's not easy to make these choices...people will often ask me to give in because it suits them.  But Lent is a time of spiritual renewal.  It is not an easy time nor often a happy time for Catholics.  It's a time to reflect, to be in our 'spiritual desert' so to speak, and to contemplate the greater mysteries. 

So, here's to giving up.

VOW: It's a SNAP!

TOW: Valentine's Day

The funny thing about Valentine's Day is that everyone wants to be in love, but no one wants to be in a commitment or have responsibilities. 

VOW: Valentine

TOW: Being Talented

There is no such thing as talent. There is pressure.
Alfred Adler

You know, I watch a lot of reality tv these days, but probably my favourite reality tv shows are competitions like Project Runway or Hell's Kitchen.  

It's hard to say what's so alluring about pitting several different kinds of people together for some kind of reward and watch as many struggle and fail, while others struggle and shine.  Seeing people under a certain kind of boiling point pressure tells you a lot about that person and how they achieve their own kind of success, whatever that means.

 

I think what these shows tell us about human nature is that the best performance, in our minds, are the ones that happen under pressure.  When beautiful and amazing things can come out of difficult circumstances with dire consequences,  we often feel the result is better than if it took an average amount of time, or longer.  Mastery and expertise seem to be about being talented, but what is talent?  Talent is the ability to consistently perform, regardless of circumstances.

 

Our circumstances are always changing, we can't do anything about that.  We're bound by time constraints, deadlines and surprise events that make our lives easier or harder.  But life is not about the circumstantial issues that come and go, rarely staying for but a moment.  We show our ability to be truly talented by demonstrating how we perform under the pressure.  That, seems to be to me, the measure of a person.

 

VOW: Crazy Cows

Why I didn't get much done this evening

TOW: The Chariot of the mind

In Plato's Phaedrus, he talks about one of my favourite philosophical myths, the Allegory of The Chariot of the Soul. 

The soul is like a chariot being driven by two horses.  The first horse is a noble, wonderful horse of the best breed.  It does exactly as the master asks.  The second horse however, is like a horse that has never been broken in.  It bucks and tries to go where it wants, and is wild.  The soul has a goal in mind towards higher enlightenment and it traverses a long journey to get there.  We are often slowed down and frustrated not by the first, but the second horse.

The allegory of course, is one of the human mind/soul.  We often know what we want, but we are frustrated by our lower desires which take over now and again and take control of our lives.  We feel like we're getting near the top, near the best of what we can accomplish every day, only to tumble down the mountainside the next day all the way to the bottom, and it's like we have the build up the discipline all over again.

When I read The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, I didn't realize it at the time, but it was actually a very intricate story that extrapolated on the Chariot Allegory.  Our minds are directed towards thoughts, while it is distracted by certain kinds of feelings.  It's our choice to accept those feelings into our lives.  If we let a wild and desirous part of ourselves take over, we often end up unhappy.  But the funny thing is, when we exercise even the smallest bit of emotional control, we often are able to turn bad situations into better ones, and sadness into a positive outlook. 

The key to happiness is not being lucky in life, having everything you want, or being successful, but counting yourself as successful, feeling like every day alive is a good day, and knowing that having everything isn't everything.  And we can only feel that way when either a) everything is going right for us, or when b) we direct our minds and desires to positive things, and not to negative things.  We are, to a certain extent, our thoughts and our feelings.  When we give our desires the reins, we often end us places we don't want to be.  Our feelings should never be the centre of our lives.  Our feelings contribute to who we are, but if we let them have control, we often feel helpless in the face of normal life situations.  The only real victims in life are the people who are victims of their own emotional states.  (Speaking from experience of myself, here.)


I think this week I have spent a lot of time feeling happy, and really good, and it's because I've been working hard, and things have been going well as a result of that work.  Hopefully, my hard work will pay off.  Even if it doesn't (at least in a financial sense) it will pay off in a life value sense, which was always worth more, anyways.

VOW: Stupic Cat (NSFW)

How I feel about cats, most days.

It's been a good week

I can't remember the last time I was this busy....but officially....I'm overbooked-Brennan again.  =)

TOW: Happy New Year

The year has turned from an old man into a baby again.


We often think about this time and make New Years Resolutions. 

But, I think I made mine (not that I make them, I don't believe in them.)  some time in December.  I had read the book the Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, and in the midst of reading it, I realized that I was causing myself a lot of unhappiness, over nothing.  My life could be inherently positive, even in the worst circumstances, and I think I knew that a LONG time ago, maybe when I felt things were a bit easier, a bit better, when I was a bit younger, but dealing with difficult situations as a working adult is much different than learning to deal with negativity as someone who is a student, studying, or in academia.  The problems of academia are big, but they don't always hurt as much as when you're a working person. 

This year, I plan to try and embrace that positivity, and just keep it running throughout.  I've spent a lot of time in Toronto, thinking a lot of negative thoughts about the city (most of which, are probably true) but I haven't helped myself find good things, things that made me feel good, happy, or safe until sometime this year.  I feel like I'm starting to make better decisions overall.  Hopefully, over time, things will continue to get better.  I feel like there are a lot of really great things and great people in my life.  Now it's just a question of upkeep, versus a question of how much finding the right things to put in my life.  I've started to have a lot of a really cool things happen to me and for me lately,- and I'd like to just continue that trend as the year continues, and I think it will. 

Just got to keep up the good vibe.  ^_^

VOW: Dr. Tran Quiet Log Time

Ian's Christening

Russ ad Dez looked so good today.

I got pretty close to these guys before they ran away

Me and mom shopping

Having fun!

Merry Christmas

I know it's yesterday technically... but Merry Christmas.  Thanks to everyone who reads this. =)

Merry Christmas

TOW: Going home

You see much more of your children once they leave home.
Lucille Ball

I'm going home for Christmas.

It's definitely been a while, and between September and December, a lot of things have changed.  Going home for me this year is a truly happy time.  I get to have a vacation for the first time in two years...I can sleep in for more than two days at a time and it will be quiet for a straight 8 hours in the night.  (I can't tell you how awesome that is going to be without foaming at the mouth a bit.) 

 

Coming home is going to have a lot of personal pleasure associated with it, but I'm not going home to a place, I'm going home to family.  Because I haven't had my childhood home for several years now, and I don't think of houses and being home for me anymore.  Which is weird, because I used to be the opposite way.  I used to think my childhood home was where people gathered and it was the place that mattered more, since that's where I spent all my time.  I wasn't wrong, but I wasn't exactly right, either.  People need a place to gather, but an empty house is just that...empty.

Going home now, at this time of my life, is light years of difference than two years ago.  Two years ago, I was living off a line of credit, working 2 part time jobs and going to school full time.  The second day I was home I went to the doctor because my chest hurt.  

There was nothing physically wrong with me.  I was having panic attacks.  I went for a walk outside after that and I couldn't even cry, that's how tightly wound I was. 

The worst wasn't the panic attacks, although they were bad at the time.  The worst, I distinctly remember, was going for lunch an hour later and telling my parents what was wrong and seeing the look of disappointment on their faces.  I think they felt like they did something wrong, or worse, that I was going crazy.  (No argument there...ha...ha...eh heh.  Sigh.)

 

Going home at Christmas for a while was really sad because I felt like I had a lot I had to prove, and also people didn't understand why I didn't just move back to SK if I was having such a hard time (more on that later, some time). Truth is, I wanted home to be a safe place for me, somewhere I could run away to once or twice a year when things got really bad, and I was pretty sure I was going through some kind of phase that I needed to get out of my system and that doing it closer to my family wouldn't actually help me in any way.  I wanted my family to be able to be a refuge for me.  They were my home, wherever they were during the last three years.

 

And I think I've finally realized, in an adult kind of way, what the value of a home means to me.  It's not just about being happy wherever you are...it's also about feeling that you will find a way to keep yourself and those you love safe in your own way, as much as you can.  Because being an adult means being able to create that feeling of safety and happiness in your life for those who matter and being able to do it consistently, even when things are hard.  And as I grow older, I realize just how much having a place and people to return to is so valuable.  Not everyone has that, and it's a gift when you do have it.  Some people don't have a family that they trust or even love.  Some people don't have anyone to call friend.  Some people are very,  very alone in life.

That's why it's good to create a place where people can feel welcome, whether they be family or friends.  Love is a gift not to be squandered.  Home, as they say, is where the heart is.

This is how I feel today

Wow.

Gift from Thane,  the grade seven kid I tutor. Super touched. Best gift I've gotten in a long time.

Space Cowboy Hat time!

TOW: Life Phases

You know, I had a really good talk with my friend Robert last night.  We talked a lot about life phases, and about how things were changing for both us, mostly for the better.  I mentioned that my life had taken a lot of turns in the last four years, and it seems to me that things are finally starting to be where I imagined that they would be when I first started down this new career path idea.  It only took four years for me to get there!  Er, yay, I guess?


I think it's more that there's so much adjusting to do when you move to a new city, take up a new life, new friends, new challenges, new problems of a variety of kinds.  What's interesting to me is that I seem to go through Life Phases, where I repeat things over and over again.  I've managed, in my mind, to repeat several life phases, go through several of the same problems I've had in the past, but I've repeated them in the future. Why is that?  Shouldn't I have learned my lesson the first time?

Instead of quoting a philosopher, I think the answer is much simpler than that.  The challenges you face as a youth, as someone still growing into life are not the same as the challenges you face as an adult.  No matter if you've faced a problem a million times as a child, as a teen, as anything other than someone who is really striving to become themselves as they grow older, you won't be able to apply the same solutions to your childhood problems that you did when you were a kid.  When you were a kid, your parents may have bailed you out at the last minute if you did something really stupid.  Maybe it was your friends as someone in your young twenties.  But as people get more insular in their older ages, there's not a lot of support.  There's you, maybe there's your spouse, but really, there's you.  Just you.  You and your life.  And you have to decide how to live it.

Being an adult is hard.  It's not easy to do new things as an adult.  When you were younger, safety nets existed to catch you when you fell.  What you realize as an adult, is that some of those safety nets have disappeared, but there's still a crowd of onlookers, watching to see if you'll fall. 

I'd like to think that my life will eventually be less of a tragic fall from above and more of a direct path towards the other side of the goals I'm seeking.  I'm sure most people feel the same way.

VOW: Stupid Cat

Loved this video. But there are swears, so just be careful where you listen to this. ^_^

Shopping Adventures

Out with Liz's Parents for Lunch!

Unpacking.

Christmas time is soon!

It's the first day of Christmas.  Here's a Christmas videos to get you in the season.

TOW: The Power of Love

No, this isn't a Huey Lewis and the News Song.

Again, I think because I've been going on dates, and also because it's something more serious about things I'm reading lately, I'm starting to think about what it means to love other people, and how I love other people.

Today's quote from Plato on love:  "Love is a serious mental disease."

And, in a way, Plato was right.  (But when isn't Plato right?)   Love is like a (sometimes) happy infection, spreading through our mind, and at times our bodies, awakening feelings in us that didn't exist before, or making us feel in ways we don't always normally feel.  Love is not easy, and love is messy at times.  But more than anything loves moves us to do things, to say things, and act in certain ways that we never imagined we would, could, or perhaps should.

Love is something that moves us, and St. Thomas Aquinas talks a lot about this when he talks about the way the First Mover (or God) loves the world.  God was moved by love to create.  He was in a relationship with the world that was to come to be, and he just sort of moved towards it, and created all things living and things in the universe.  It's an interesting idea.

And from these ideas is where I have been putting a lot of my thought lately.  Love is something that interrupts us, that moves us in an unexpected, but often good direction.  Love is not something easy (for movement, as any good physicist would tell you, is not something easy or even 'normal' by physical standards)  because love often interrupts our routines, our needs, and our wants.  But that's a good thing--because love takes us to places we don't want to be--it takes us outside of ourselves, outside of our little backyard of our minds, and into the wider world, where people need us.  And love answers our own needs by serving others, and by being present to the love that's needed in the world. 

It's a powerful thing when you think about it.

VOW: Two Angry Camels

Because everyone needs two angry camels in a car.

TOW: Singularity of Purpose

I have been thinking a lot about one or two things lately, and I have most recently picked up from the library The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari.  So far it's proving an interesting read, and it reminds me of, and is having a similar effect on me as the book The Alchemist did.  Both The Alchemist and The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari are based on the premise that society, especially Western society, has a sickness that needs curing, and can be cured by looking inwards, person by person.  And that cure comes in the form of a singularity and productivity of purpose.

If you were to read them in the order I have, it's almost like The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari is a sequel to The Alchemist.  The Alchemist tries to deliver the message to a young boy that the universe wants you succeed in life, but not without trying.  And the monk learned the same thing when he gave up all his possessions.  Goodness, and true life greatness, comes with a a heavy price.  Unless we are willing to give up certain things, we cannot achieve new things, have new patterns, and lead a new life.  As the monk says, "How can I fill your cup with fresh tea when your cup is already full?"

Not only can we only focus on one task, but we can only ever really focus on one attitude in life.  We can either be inherently negative, or we can be inherently positive.  I think we all know people that seem to never stop being gloomy, never stop being petty, and never stop grandstanding.  These people live most of their lives in a way that makes themselves and others unhappy.  They have made their singular purpose about being unhappy and about judging other.  Often, it's a sign of something missing in people's live is why this happens.  They haven't found, or want to ignore, things in their own lives that need changing, and focus on other people's problems.

The only way we can fix our own problems, according to these two books, is to learn what it is in our lives that is a truly good and productive for us, and to pursue those things.  And our dreams don't have to be big.  One of the characters was janitor who swept up the temple every day, but he was content in his life, and he liked his life.  The point was that he was productive and he gave his own life meaning and that meaning gave him happiness and made him content and at peace.   

True productivity comes from enjoying the moments we are in, and focusing on goals we have for the future.  We don't need to be productive in the sense that we produce more than other people, that we do more than other people.  We need to know that every task we do, and do right, deserves our full attention, and we have a duty to ourselves and to others to give our attention to the present moment, every day, as much as we can. Because it's a sad life to live that focuses on dreams that could never exist, instead of focusing on dreams that should exist in our lives, and trying to bring them to fulfillment.  



The point being, we are all called to some kind of higher purpose. 

VOW: Video Games

Haunting song, I sang part of it while I was hanging out with Liz this eve.

Parents at the Banquet of Champions for the Canadian Bowl 2011

Well great

I just slept through a doctor's appointment (flu/fever/not sleeping) and I called in to ask if there would be any issue with them billing me, and the lady on the phone pretended she had no idea and hung up on me.


Really?  ={

TOW: Love

I've been thinking a lot about love, and relationships and such lately.  I'm not sure why, I think it's because I keep having people who are not good matches/creepy people asking me out. I guess sometimes I think "What is love?" and this might have a lot to do with the fact that I read too many advice columns and most of what I see are people in misery and people falling in and out of love.  I know I'm hopeless because I believe things like love is forever, and that you can love friends and family forever...although I think that says a lot more about me than anything else.  But at the same time I think I'm somewhat realistic because when some people go through certain life phases, you can't go with them.  That might mean you can't be their friend or be in contact with them, at least in the conventional sense.  (But maybe that's another thought for another time.)

When I get nostalgic about love in general, Plato is someone I always think back to when I wonder what 'feeling' one should have to be in love.  Plato, beyond being great at thinking about everything in general, wrote a great piece called the Symposium in which a bunch of very well-spoken intelligent leaders of Greek society get together and have a speech competition. called an enconium where each speech giver must give a speech in honour of the goddess Eros. 



The speech I love the most is the one by the poet Aristophanes.  Aristophanes was one of the most revered classical comedians, and was considered a genius of his time.  Aristophanes begins by telling a story about how people used to be, in primal times, double-bodied beings that were attached in such a way that they were spherical creatures that rolled around.  (This is, of course, meant to be funny and it really is when you think about it.) 

They were powerful beings that challenged the gods, and Zeus, who had pity on them, decided to separate them into two halves instead of destroying them outright.  He made their skin tight and stitched them up, and made them always feel that they were looking for their other half.   When two people who have been separated find each other, they never want to be separated again. Aristophanes said that as long as we work with the goddess of Love, we can again find wholeness.  The piece is meant to be comedic, but comes off with a strong sense of truth to it.  I think a lot of us feeling like we spending our lives looking for something, or someone, to complete us.

And whenever I think about the feeling of love, I think about that.  I think we always think we are half of something, and not a whole something.  We're always searching for that one person, that one activity, and that one object that we can love with our whole hearts.

And sometimes I wonder, where do our feelings reside in this search for the one thing that will rule us all?  When you have a crush on someone, is that part of love, or is that something else?  When you feel turmoil, or you read poems of people that can't sleep, can't eat, have the jitters, is that feeling love, or is that something else?  Or when you think romance, is that enough to call that love?

I think in English we use love to mean many different things, but I always wonder if love isn't about the greatest goods in our lives.  Love should be edifying.  As in, love should make us feel whole, should make us feel more than ourselves, just alone.  I feel that true love, the best kinds, are the kinds that make life worth living, and make life 'good' not necessarily always 'exciting' in the same way that a romantic partner is, but love is something stable and useful in human moral life. 

 But I still wonder, when do all the other little forms of love, of those overflowing feelings we have for romantic partners, for friends, for strangers, turn into that better thing?  And what feelings are red herrings, that we think are good for us, but actually harm us in the long run?  (Like those romantic feelings that cloud our judgment.)

I don't really have an answer this week to what I'm thinking about in that sense and I don't think I'm required, especially at this point of my life, to have an answer to a question like that.   But I do think it's always good to love all people....and by love I mean to try and provide those moral goods in other people's lives, in hopes it enriches their happiness and sense of well-being.  Because we all need to be loved, even if it's just a little, sometimes that's enough when your day has gone wrong and everything seems upside down, sometimes people just need to say that they care, or show that they care, to make sense of things.

VOW: Hal The Misinterpretive Porn Star

TOW: Mindblank!

I wish I could say I've been thinking about something this week, but I really haven't.  Well, nothing related to work stuff, or life stuff.  I have sort of re-found a passion for some of my hobbies, which is really nice, and I'm working on a few side projects, that I really hope that I can share with you guys soon.  I guess the one thing I have been thinking about lately is the comment, "Being passionate means you would do things even if you had to do them for free."  I've sort of been thinking about that, and how I do a lot of things for free, but I really like them.  (Heck, I think if I charged money for certain activities I wouldn't like them as much...)

But generally, my thoughts for the upcoming weeks are:  Work, side projects, sleep, Liz is here, exercise.  It helps that I was out till 5 a.m. last night so that would explain why I'm not really in a thinking mood.

VOW: Happy Halloween

Bahaha

Found here:  http://jakethelab.com/

Liz and I halloween 2011

Eating Dinner with Liz at Joy Bistro

Liz terrified of the streetcar

Hur hur. 

One of my Best Friends is in Toronto! =D

Liz is here!  She's LIVING here!!!! =D


Afternoon and evening hijinx to follow!  =D

TOW: Taking Chances

"Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?" ~ Frank Scully

I've been doing some things lately that are very risky.


Anyone who knows me probably knows I'm a very risk-averse person.  (Er, now that I think of it, maybe people don't think that.  Actually, now I just wonder what people think....) I like to manage all my risks and not go out too far into the unknown and be eternally screwed, that sort of thing.  But lately I have been working with the attitude, especially in business, that risk is a good thing, and with bigger risks will come bigger rewards.

Er, well maybe!



=)

And while I might not be singing "Taking Chances" by Celine (although, full disclosure, I may be listening to it...) I'm certainly interested in pursuing activities that allow me to take chances and feel good about myself.  There's a big world out there, and it's tough to just look over a chasm of opportunity and not know what's around the corner.  (I'm the kinda guy that likes knowing what's around the corner...)

I think a lot of people are scared about taking chances where they might lose out, big time.  I've never been scared of things like that (although there are times I'm scared while doing such things) and I rather enjoy going out and trying new things, it really lights up my life most days.  Because sometimes the most interesting thing about life is knowing that you can change in an instant, if only you're open to the idea of doing something differently.

VOW: Chocolate Weetabix

I effin' loved this.

At Small Business Forum 2011

TOW: Getting Older

Between all the bad news friends got this week, and going to very business-y conferences this week, not to mention the ridiculous weekend antics my friends got into, it's been a bit of a weird week.  I'm realizing that I'm getting quite sick of the 'social scene' that Toronto has to offer, not to mention all the drama that people my age often have.  My friend Derek was actually quite depressed because we walked into a bar for a drink and he realized he was surrounded by people in their 40s out to party on a Saturday night.  I suppose it had never occurred to him until that moment that that could be his life in 10-15 years.  It freaked him out a little bit and he said to me, "Can you imagine going to a bar when you're 40 in a suit like these people?"

Of course I can't.

The point for me is that as I get older, I get interested in different things.  These days, my career and my love life are a big focus for me, especially because dating only gets harder as you get older.  I'm starting to think about the future, and what I want for myself, and for my family.  I'm sure when I'm 40, I'll be interested in fibre content and heart health, but until then, bacon for breakfast is a magical thing.  Oh, and eggs.  I love eggs.

My joints aren't what they used to be, and now I try and take care to not injure myself because I take a lot longer to heal these days.  I can see my hair isn't as full as it used to be, but I've still got a pretty good mane, so I count myself among the lucky (and the vain).  Life changes as you get older.  And most people say, getting older sucks.

 I'm not entirely sure about that, but I am sure that I will try and enjoy my life for what it is, not for what I wish it would be.  I don't really need a lot to be happy, and I think I've actually pared down my expectations and needs for what it takes for me to be content.  I don't need a lot of 'things' although I will admit I can't get enough of new technology and new toys, but I like simple things, like hanging out with my friends, being creative on my own time, and volunteering.  Stuff like that really gets me in the right frame of mine.

I'm sure that if/when I make it to 40, I'll be just as happy then as I am now.  Or maybe even happier.  Because for me, my happiness expands as the number of good, trusting people in my life expands.  And slowly, that number is growing, here in the big city.  I'm learning ways to protect myself from the sort of problems people experience here, and I'm also learning how to love myself, as someone who hasn't really lived in English Canadian culture as an adult for a very long. (technically, for me, I grew up in a foreign country, all by myself.)  But I'm learning to love it in my own way.

I know some things won't be good about growing older, but there's a lot of good things in life to enjoy, no matter what age, and what ails you.  I only hope that I can face age with grace rather than vanity, and hope rather than despair as things change and my younger years get left behind.

VOW: BeenerKeeKee19952 With Glee Cast.

Apparently this kid, named Keener Cahill has a disability, but he's lip synced famous videos with a BUNCH of celebrities, and they all seem to be having a lot of fun. It's cute to watch. The one with Jason Derulo is also pretty cute.

Wow, Blogger finally came out of the 1990s....scary thought.  I've updated my template...let me know if you think it's too much...I kind of like the wider style, I'll have less problems with the updated CSS and HTML I think, so here's to new things!

Being Employed

I got texts from two friends within two hours of each other that they had been laid off.

I thought about saving this until the weekend, but I wanted to talk about how I feel about things like this.

Being unemployed sucks.  It really sucks.  Being let go, especially when you've been working hard really hurts.  And all those feelings you have about work, about how hard (or not hard) you've been trying come up out of nowhere and attack you when your defenses are down.  And all you can do is say, "Well, here's to the future."  For some people, that transition into something that is 'the future' is going to be really easy, and they won't spend more than several weeks unemployed.

But more and more people my age are getting laid off, and being unable to re-employ themselves. I should know because it's happened to me.  It's not pretty and you feel like an arse throughout the entire process.   There are plenty of people in the baby boomer age group that complain when they are laid off because they say young people are taking all their jobs.  Haha.  Yeah right. 

I have a hard time feeling sorry for these people.  You've had a life to make yourself a living and savings.  You have a nest egg usually and you, baby boomers, and sub-prime mortgages, are the reason people my age can't get employment anywhere.  I've seen people 10 years too old to be in junior positions and working them like the next hot intern off the press.  In other words, no matter what happens in the next twenty years, my generation is screwed.  We don't know it yet, but having followed the labour stats around the world, and it's not pretty.  In Spain, youth unemployment, ages 15-24 is 45%.  It's higher than Greece, which is 42.9%.

Basically half of Spain's youth are unemployed.  And the 'regular' unemployment rate of Spain is 21.3%  That means there are about 5 million people unemployed in Spain.  Think about that....Canada only has 33.7 million people.  If we had that many unemployed, where would we be??  Our unemployment number say that we're at 14 per cent youth unemployment, and the overall unemployment rate is 7%.  It's going down, but it doesn't mean people are employed full-time it just means they're employed.  People are age are stuck in terminal, part-time or entry level positions.   

The real employment stat that no one wants to talk about, but has been featured in the media for over a year, is how many unemployed college and university grads there are...and let me tell you, there are a lot of them.  But no one is counting them as a separate group unless it's a university, and they inflate their numbers for marketing purposes.  When was the last time Stats Canada ever did anything that helped people ages 25-30 or counted them as a separate group?  Because that's my generation, and we've been referred to by Macleans as 'Generation Screwed.'

And I believe it.  Other than my friends that have government or bank jobs, I can't think of anyone my age who isn't hopping from ship to sinking ship.  Because no one can afford to employ people in my age group.  We don't have enough experience, we don't have enough connections, and we don't have enough opportunity.  It's a bit of rant, but when will people our age be granted middle class opportunities that were available to the generations before us?  And I'm not saying, "Where's my piece of the pie?"  I'm saying "Where'd the freaking pie go?" 

 
If and when I ever run a bigger business, I hope I employ plenty of people my age, from my generation, and plenty of people younger than me.  I wish more organizations would put effort into hiring younger employees.  They're cheaper, they will generally work hard or even harder than more senior employees and they honestly want to get experience.  I'm really sick of seeing what has been happening to people I've gone to school with and other friends lose their jobs over economic conditions they can't control.  When a friend loses their job, it just makes me really, really sad.  Employment was bad in the 90s as well, but this...this is the fault of a bunch of bad decisions and bad debt.  I'm fine with both of those things, but when are people older than me going to start making smart decisions for themselves and for their own children instead of complaining that they don't understand why their kids can't find jobs.


Ugh.  I could rant about this all day.

TOW: What I'm Thankful for in 2011

Well, it's been a year.


It's been a really long year in some ways.  In fact, it's been a tough year.  But it's been a liveable year.   Year before that, not so much.

What I'm thankful for this year is a pretty good list:

• My health
• My family, my really, really great family.
• My best friends.  The people who call me several times a day just to tell me they're stressed or bored or wondering what's going on in my life.  For the people who climb stairs with me or push me to be sillier, smarter, calmer, stronger than I would be by myself.
• For the peace we have in Canada.  
• For the safe access to food and water that we have in abundance.  There's plenty of places this year (Haiti, Africa in general, Sudan, Somalia) where social injustice, poverty and famine are literally killing the people.
• For the (relative) financial stability of Canada and myself this year.  My life sometimes feels mirrored by the world's financial state at the moment.
• For all the tough situations this year that have made my life harder, but have got me working to create a better life for myself.

More than anything, I'm thankful for anyone in my life that has tried to make me smile and be happy over the past year.  So cheers to those people who have been there for me during the rough times, and laughed with me during the good times.

VOW: Crazy Russian on the Beach

TOW: Dreams

A long time ago, a wise Asian philosopher has a very realistic dream that he was a butterfly.  When he awoke, he wondered, was he a butterfly that was dreaming he was a human, or a human that dreamt he was a butterfly?

Descartes continued along this line of thought, and asked, what's to stop us from assuming our version of reality is made up?  Perhaps there could be some sort of demon-like conspirator, who keeps us tangled up in what we think is reality, which is really just a dream-like state. 

More than anything, the dreams we have at night not only make us question the reality we have, but can  colour our perceptions of reality and our day-to-day tasks.  


There is nothing worse than dreaming you'll fail an exam or an important task the night before said task actually happens.  But those dreams make a difference in how we perceive our reality and how we deal with certain tasks from time to time.  Sometimes I've had feelings change towards an individual that I don't know very well simply because I had a dream where that person was one of the main characters, so to speak. Jung wrote a very interesting line about dream analysis, and said that we often take for granted the power of our subconscious mind:


The dream shows the inner truth and reality of the patient as it really is: not as I conjecture it to be, and not as he would like it to be, but as it is."  (The Practice of Psychotherapy)
 

And this is the beauty and also the danger in having dreams.  Dreams seem to us to be an alternate reality:  a place where physical laws need not be obeyed, nor regular societal standards, and dreams to us often forebode tellings of the future or reminiscences of the past.  And the few times that dreams do speak to our present, the dream is rarely a more pleasant version of the reality we have--it is often alien, and seemingly strange to the way we currently live our lives.

What really matters in life is that we take dreams to be part of us--part of those crazy and wild desires we ignore, part of our 'shadow self' that we repress, part of ourselves that sometimes we didn't even know existed.  But dreams can change the way we think about people in real life, and change the way we think about ourselves.  Dreams are not necessarily there to guide us, but often to show us something hidden that we have yet to consider or discover.

VOW: Dynamic Baby Dance Lessons

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Hilarious.

TOW: Acceptance

It's funny how much things can change in a year.

I think back to last summer, and how different my life was then versus now. 

I'm not going to lie.  I used to hate Toronto.  And I would be lying if I said I'm now in love with Toronto.


Instead, I feel like the longer I live here, the more I come towards a happy medium, something a little closer to normal, a little farther away from the crazy sort of way things were when I first arrived.   More than anything, I really feel like things keep changing for the better...and that the more I focus on the little things that make me happy and successful, the more life around here seems to normalizes.  In a city like Toronto, where crazy is the new black, that's saying quite a lot.  You just have to find your bubble, I guess.

I often compare living here to living in Belgium.  It's funny, living in Belgium, I should have felt worse.  I couldn't get a full-time job there, couldn't speak either national language with any skill, and I spent a lot of time alone, and screwed up a lot while I was there. 

But Belgium was where I first became an adult.  Everything that had anything to do with becoming self-sufficient, and taking care of myself.  Everything was great.  Every challenge was fresh, and no words can describe the adventure of living by yourself in a country a million miles from home.  It's liberating and exhaustingly fun all at the same time,

Toronto, instead, was kind of a step backwards.  It was a big city (big minus) it was unfriendly in a Canadian sort of way (bigger minus) and I tried my best to make good choices for myself, and a combination of circumstances and attemps to 'do the right thing' ended me up in so much more trouble that I almost never saw the end of it.  (Biggest minus)  My goals have really changed in the last couple of years, and sometimes it was a really hard change to face. 

But with time, and my late twenties (soon to be early thirties, eep) comes a different kind of understanding of my life, and the phases in it.  Where in my twenties I was running at a break-neck speed towards a goal that eventually stopped existing, I have a feeling my thirties (if I make it there, you know, don't get hit by a bus and all that) will be about taking my energy and trying to make something that's going to last.  And part of making things last relies on accepting the present for what it is and leaving the past in the past, all while having hope for the future.  Because we all need hope.

The one thing that has really hit me over the past two weeks or so is that you can avoid facts for only so long before it becomes symptomatic of a bigger health problem, physical or otherwise.  And the fact is that you own your own life.  You can love it, or hate it.  You can find every crazy, embarrassing thing that is wrong about your life a total drag, or you can accept these things for what they are, a type of growing pain we always seem to experience, again and again. 

And accepting you for being you, at the present moment, is no easy thing.  But I think it's a worthwhile exercise.

VOW: Drunk Squirrel

I love this squirrel.

TOW: A Family of friends

I've been thinking a lot about what makes people happy in general.

After having a long period of time away with my family, I realized that whenever I have been really happy in life, I have always managed to have a family of friends to rely on.

It seems to me that what really matters in life is the size and quality of your social structure.  And that quality can be evaluated based on how 'familial' your friends are.  Yes, some of them are like the cousin you never wish you had, but on the other hand, we love people in spite of their flaws.  (Indeed, sometimes it's people flaws that make them charming, not their better qualities.)

As I get a bit older now, and live so far away from my family, I'm starting to see the benefit, as well as the peril, of living with/out a family that I've created.  Having good friends in my life has always been integral to me saying that I'm successful as a person.  And, I have some really great friends (although, granted, not all of them live in one place).

I was looking for statistics on the 'new' style of blended families, which is to say, families of your own choosing, but they're far and few between. I have seen them in the past, but I can't seem to pull up anything now.  But I remember it being that said that a healthy social life created a kind of family between people of different groups and backgrounds based on a need to have a social 'grounding' so to speak.  And this grounding in group of people with different roles creates stability in a life where there might be less stability.

It's a good feeling to feel 'safe' because you're surrounded by people that can fill the roles of uncle, spouse, brother, sister, father/mother in some cases.  And those roles really matter because we still judge our 'other' societal relations based on our contact or need to attend events with our 'family' whether chosen or blood-related.  In reality, we all have to 'choose' our family--to love them or hate them, to trust them or distant ourselves from them.  But good family members will always be there for us, even if it isn't always quite in the way we expect.

VOW: Last Friday Night

As per usual, Katy Perry produces original content. Wait for the Corey Feldman at the end.

TOW: Money and Love

I spent a lot of time thinking this weekend about the kind of family I am from.  My brother got married this weekend, and it was interesting to see the difference between the bride's family and our family.  It hurts to say this, but our family probably paid for all of the wedding.  And weddings are interesting because they are not romantic events that have Hollywood moments.  They're actually quite political in nature.

It's funny that we all think that people these days marry for love and for common interests between them and their partner...especially since the state of marriage, since time immemorial, has been, for the most part, a practical arrangement.  Even in Genesis in the Bible, God said, "It is not good for man to be alone."  God didn't say it's not good to be without love.  Just that it's not good to be without someone, and to be without God.  These are practical concerns, not romantic or 'emotional' concerns.  God was rational when he did what he did.

And history shows that arranged marriages were made to produce good children and bloodlines as well as financial gain and stability.  Very few wedding attendees, now and almost certainly back then, talk about whether they think the couple is in love, or how in love a couple seems.  It's more that people talk about the food, how long the speeches were, whether they were hot, crowded, bored or tired...people talk about all things political at a wedding, and more than anything, it's usually about whether a wedding was expensive or cheap.

And like all good things of price, a good wedding is expensive.  The average expected cost of a wedding in Canada is $23, 330.  In the U.S., it's about $24k

People often comment whether a bride buys into money or not.  Great novels have been written about if a woman chooses a penniless man she loves or a man with $ who is good enough. 

Very rarely do the two coincide, apparently.

I got to witness a lot of political family undercurrents, a lot of interesting surprises, and a lot of questions about what it is that makes a marriage great.  In the end, the most important thing seems to be true--practical concerns will make or break a marriage.  Therefore, money is not the key to happiness, but it seems to be the key to a good marriage and a good family life.

While I'm not sure I entirely believe that, experience seems to be teaching me otherwise.  I've seen a lot this weekend that suggest that people marry not for love, but because marriage is a practical social arrangement.  Not convienent, but practical.  Convienent would be common-law.

Anyways, the point is that marriage requires a lot of work...and that means loving the other person, but also recognizing the practical needs of your partner and yourself.  Because it seems to be that ignoring those practical needs will certainly result in the failure of any healthy relationship.

VOW: Ring Arts

Congrats Adam

I couldn't be happier.

Possibly the Awesomest Video Ever

I loved this.  Hehe.