Trip Home for Martin's Grad

When I arrived in Saskatchewan, one of the first things I did was  visit Tyler's new house! Amazing!  I was so happy for him!

Of course, Tyler HATES it when I take pictures.  Eh heh.

This is me and my brothers.  As you can see, I did not have to Photoshop this picture at all.  Martin is really standing there...graduated. 





I'm so happy, and not just because it means no more random emergency essay calls on a Sunday night.  It's great because I'm so proud he could do that, and he did more himself than I think even he realizes.

 Of course, visiting home wouldn't be the same without visiting some friends....

....and family.  I love Evan. My nephew

 Sarah looking dangerous!  =D

My Dad, Al, at his 50th birthday party.  We ate cake out of the back of one of the trucks.  Yep, it was pretty Saskatchewan.  Eh heh.

 This is my Dad, Kevin, with his girlfriend, Cheryl.  She's lovely, and we had such a nice meal that day.

And this is me and my mom...we hardly even saw each other this trip, both of us were so busy.  I'm glad we managed to have such a nice photo together.  =)













And that, in a nutshell, was my trip! I saw plenty of friends and family, and just recharged as much as possible.  I love Saskatchewan so much, I wish I could be there all the time, whenever I wanted. 



I miss my family, but I also know that job opportunities are better and I need to get some experience.  Even if I move back out west, I feel like the possibilities of me moving back into my hometown are slim.


I have been thinking about this lately because maybe I'll always wander.  I have yet to find a place I want to put down my roots because I love it so much.  (Well, I love Leuven, but I don't think I can stay there, and I don't have the kind of job quite yet that will allow me to live internationally like that.  But just wait.)


Toronto is a nice city, in a dirty, cosy sort of way.  It grows on you, but it definitely is not the city for me forever, I think.  If it is, I have yet to find a neighbourhood that I like so much I want to stay in it.  Or maybe just a place to live, I'm not sure.  (Because my current place is nice enough, but, uh, well, not enough privacy, really.)  Anyways, everything here is fine. 

After coming back to Toronto, I realized that part of it is that a place like this can cause some serious culture shock, just like any city.  It takes a while to adjust to new things, new people, and new places.  It will take me a while, I'm sure, but I'll definitely make it. 

Hope everyone's well, and I'll post more soon!  I'm going to get back on track with blogging, I've just been so busy sending out resumes that I haven't had time for personal writing as much as I'd like.

Take care! 

TOW: Self-Confidence

Over the past month, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about myself, and where I'm going in life (as usual, eh heh) and I've been thinking about how much easier it was to be 'myself' back in the day.  I remember being a confident, somewhat popular, somewhat interesting person in university, and being able to run into practically any single person I wanted to on campus or around town.  I didn't have enemies, and I was a pretty happy guy.

Now, fast forward about 4-6 years, and here I am in 'the big city.'  It's not as easy to be self-confident, or believe in yourself when times are hard, or heck, simply ask for what you want for fear of rejection, at times.

Self-confidence comes from the feeling that there are things in our lives that we are proud of, activities and events that shape us and make us who we are.  It is the ability to express who you want to be and accomplish what you believe in.  And, it is something that we work on, every day.

I can't say that I have been a really confident person since moving to Toronto (but then again, I've been stepped on more than a couple times since I got here) but I have managed to maintain at least part of the best parts of my personality, at times, and for that I'm happy.

As I move forward in life, as we all move forward, it's important to find those sources of happiness and self-confidence that never run out, the ones that will keep us going throughout the thick and thin.  Because it was easy for me to be a confident, interesting person when I was young, bright, with no student debt, a vehicle, living rent-free at my parents house with nary a care in the world.  It's much harder to be confident, happy and 'with-it' when you are straddled with a majority of middle-class and lower middle class complaints like debt, poverty, bad health and no money for doctors/dentists, etc.

Self-confidence can have external sources, but real confidence, and real drive, comes from within, and spending time with yourself, and learning to like yourself again.  You can only really be a confident person if you don't care what other people think, and aren't afraid to make mistakes.  Learn to be happy with yourself, and what you do, so that you can forge ahead and be the best you can, versus being the best you can...afraid.

VOW: Tik-Tok Simpsons version

Unfortunately, the versions on Youtube seem to have been recorded incorrectly, so here's the original HQ version here.  Cheers.  I still can't believe they used such a racy song!

A Good Day

I felt better today than I have in a while.  It was fleeting, but I definitely felt 'me' for a total of two hours today, sometime, maybe even longer. 

It's nice to feel good about yourself.  I'm glad I have friends here.

Time to Move Again

My roommate can apparently hear my computer playing a video game, quietly, through my door, and her door.


What else can she hear?  This...this is insane.  What are these walls made of??  Paper mache???


Seriously, I've had it.  Time for a change of scenery.  I'm finding a new place.

TOW: Making the Ordinary...Extraordinary

My friends Paul, Tori, and I went to a a Starbucks to chat and discuss our future employment opportunities.  Paul, who had worked very hard in his unpaid internship to secure a position and had asked every single hiring manager in the government for a job, was completely and utterly depressed.  He had finished his internship on Wednesday, with his boss saying, "My hands are tied.  I can't hire currently."

Being Paul's birthday, and being in the kind of mood I was, I walked up to the counter, and said to the cashier, "I want a Carmel Frappacino, and it's my friend Paul's birthday.  Can you give him something...like a discount, or anything?" 

The cashier, who was in work mode, immediately brightened and said, "Of course, actually, how about a free cupcake?"  Paul looked embarassed, and said he didn't want the cupcake.

I said, "Yes, that's what he wants."  I even chose the cupcake for him.

As my drink was being made, my friends and I chatted some more.  Paul talked about how he might have to leave his house and move in with some friends because as a mature student, his work funding was going to run out eventally, and then he was going to have trouble paying his bills.

The girl making my drink said, "Hey, I have some leftover from your drink, would your friend like to have the rest?"  My friend Paul stood there a little silently, not trying to make a fuss.

I said, "Yes, make him one as well."  He got a drink almost the same size as mine.  For free.

As we sat down, we joked lightly about starting our own PR agency.  I could be the social media guy, Paul could do media relations, and Tori would do all the video and camera work for internal communications clients.  Paul's phone rang.  He looked perturbed, and walked off to answer the call.

When he came back, he said he had been hired on a short term contract at the government by his boss. 

The point of this story is two-fold:  one, people want to help those who are down on their luck, and two, working hard never goes unappreciated.  Ever.

Our lives are filled with ordinary moments, like waiting in line and talking to cashiers.  However, those moments become extraordinary when we ask for what we want, when we ask for something that will help someone else out in life.  People are sometimes hesitant to help you, if you're just one person.  But if you are asking for some help, to help others in your life, and to create a better world around you in any small way, people will bend over backwards to help.

So, next time you are doing something rudimentary, or routine, ask yourself what you can do to ask more of other people.  The one thing that drives people, more than anything, is a meaningful break from monotonous tasks. 

Help give other people's lives meaning, and you'll never fail to get what you want.

VOW: Drive

This is a great video that I completely agree with.

TOW: Who Matters in Your Life?

I've been really blessed since moving to Toronto because some of the people I really love are in this city.  I can name a few. 

Lately, though I have been feeling like the real question is how I can be a good friend to people around me.  The answer to that used to be easy.  A good friend is someone that listens to your problems, takes care of your needs, helps you with tasks and particpates in activities you like.  Friends used to be people that were like you.

What I have found, now, in the future, is that your friendships change because you are constantly changing.  You don't always have interests to bring you together with other people anymore.  Suddenly your best friend from high school or university has been married or has kids.  The people you truly want to see regularly live in different cities.  Maybe someone decides to live in another country.  Suddenly everything is different.

What I am finding, especially as I age, is that friendship is more than a matter of choice, it's a matter of staking out who you are.  Will you be friends with people who constantly let you down, or do you choose people that are reliable?  Are you closer to your family instead of your friends?  One or two close friends, or a large circle of people you can see to keep yourself busy?

It's always a mystery as to why we choose the people we do in our lives, especially when being away from those people often makes us feel pain or anxiety.  Sometimes I'm sure we all feel it would be better if we never made friends, never had relationships, never got involved in messy life issues of other people.  But the truth is, we do choose, and we must choose, to be friends with people every day.  There are very few choices that matter so much in life as choosing our friends, and choosing them wisely.  And we must respond to their needs because the whole point of being good, and becoming better people is by being strong for ourselves and for others when we need them.  Personal strength isn't something that grows on trees.  We cultivate it.

I am very lucky to have the people I have in my life.  And, for every hundred rude people that have tried to ruin my day, it only takes one true friend to brighten up my life.
 

VOW: OMG Cat

I don't usually like cat videos, but this one takes the cake.

Quiz

Created by Oatmeal



I'm not going to lie, I thought it would be longer.

Whew!

Today is the first day in eight weeks I slept for eight hours, straight, and didn't wake once.


I only hope things get better from here.

TOW: Whaddya Want From Me?

As most of my friends know, this has been one of those 'worst weeks of my life' weeks.

I'm not going to be too funny in this post, because I'm not sure I have it in me, necessarily.  Aha.  Sigh.

But!  Thoughts must continue this week!  And every week!  Har har HAR.

Eh heh.  Sigh.


It's been a rough week.  I've been sending out resumes like crazy since my internship has ended, and I have little to do but wait for a phone call, and with less that I care about currently, I'm just trying to keep busy.  I have just sort of over-spent myself these last two weeks.  And even though I should be ABSOLUTELY trying to find something just until things can pick up, I'm really so tired.  (And for the record, I'm not sleeping again.)  It's all I can do not to give into the desire to eat nothing but chips for lunch, breakfast and dinner.  =/  Thankfully, I'm eating really well, and I found a way to get a pretty cheap monthly gym membership again, so I think I'll do that.  I'm going to focus on my physical health, if nothing else.

I've been to two interviews last week, and spoke with my boss, Kay.  I might start another internship, and my boss is willing to let me create a job at the store here, as an option for me, as well.  Which is really nice.  And might be relatively lucrative.  Maybe.

The point of this post is not necessarily about my personal non-successes, but more about how I've been feeling lately.  I have been trying to be proactive with everything I do, and give back to people, organizations and events in my life--and the results haven't always been the kind I've wanted.  One of the feelings everyone in the world hates, I think, is feeling like everyone wants something from you, but no one has anything to give. 

It's at times like this that I think about what the philsopher Aristotle said about human society and relationships.  We often form relationships for various reasons--for business, for health, for love, or for no reason at all.  Aristotle said that man, by nature, is a political animal.  As in, the natural order of life is to start from the highest point of politics, and work downwards.  The city is an organic state of human life that exists before the family, and the family is something that exists before the individual.  (It makes sense if you think about it.  Heh.)  Humans get together and form a city state, not because they want wealth, power or dominion over others, but because they want to pursue the good life, together.  Man is a social animal, and needs to be with people.  It makes sense that groups of people would want to pursue the good life collectively.  This means that the whole point of living together with people is to pursue something good, not to avoid something negative.

And, I think when it comes down to it, feeling used is sometimes about perspective more than reality.  You have a job, or volunteer with an organization not to prevent bad things, but to pursue good things.  If you want, you can see yourself as undervalued, underpaid, and used.  But, in truth, your function serves to pursue certain goods that will help other people, even if you don't derive direct benefit from it.

I think we all feel like asking people around us to stop pushing us, stop asking us for more commitment than we've already made, afraid we'll get hurt.  But the truth is different. We shouldn't be asking what other people want from us, we should be asking what we want from other people.  Because once we know the answer to that question, our lives will make more sense.  We should cherish the people around us, and ask them for things we want.  Because if we don't ask, we're actually not fulfulling our basic duty and needs.  We need to participate in life for it to make sense to us.

And I feel like I'm at a place where I'm ready to participate again.

VOW: Second Go

I love Lights to begin with.  This video is like the 80s on crack.  She brings back my best memories of music that tries to capture that feeling they were going for in the 80s.  Aaaaah, nice.

Field Placement

Recieved this e-mail today from program supervisor:

Hi Brennan,




I had a great conversation with Melissa who raved about your performance at Children & Youth Services. Sorry again about the confusion on the length of your FP and that we didn't connect there. I do need to book a follow-up meeting with you to finalize the FP so I can submit your grade. Can you let me know what might be convenient for you from the following times:



Afternoon - Tuesday, May 25

Morning - Friday, May 28

Afternoon - Tuesday, June 1st

Morning - Thursday, June 3 or Friday, June 4



Thanks


__________________________________________________________
 
 
 
I didn't think I did that well, but I guess, I did?  It's validating.
 
 
Now I wish I had a job, because then I would feel even more validated.  My afternoon plans have been cancelled and I'm bored out of my mind, and overtired and over-stressed and really on edge because I'm sitting here, mega-under-employed.  (Still working weekends!  Yay!)
 
I'm SO SICK of sending out resumes, if I send out any more of them, I'll barf for real!  I already sent out two today, had one interview today, and I'm just done because tomorrow and Sunday I'm working, and I really, REALLY need a break.  And, I guess I'm not going to get one, really.  Or rather, my bills won't pay themselves. 
 
Brennan needs his big break.

I didn't sleep last night

I slept from 1:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m.

Someone woke me up.  It was a sauna in my room.

I have now managed to not sleep for many, many hours.

It's going to be a long weekend, but not the kind I like.


...


I hate long weekends.  Everything bad always happens to me on long weekends.

Today, May 20, was a very bad day

Thanks to Chris, who helped me conquer it and keep from dying inside.

Better news, next week for sure.

TOW: Expectations

You know, with the end of my internship, the start of what I like to call a vacation, (but other people might term 'extreme unemployment') there's a lot to be said for what we expect in life.  What I have learned every day, since I started my internship, and now that it's finished, is that  we all have expectations.  We expect to be treated a certain way, we expect people to care about us in a certain way, and we expect to be respected--  in the workplace, and in life.

I'm not Charles Dickens, but those are Great Expectations, aren't they? 

Often, most of our emotional problems, relationship problems, and sometimes even financial problems arise from the fact that our expectations don't match reality.  There is nothing like biting into a burger and tasting onions, when you SPECIFICALLY asked for NO ONIONS!  ARGH! 

Heh.

I know, emotionally, I have been somewhere between being a complete wreck over the end of my internship, and being completely alright with the end of my internship.  (Usually the latter.  Eh heh.  Sigh.) 

When I finished my internship, my expectation, or my goal, rather, was to have two jobs offers by time I was four weeks into my internship.  Whether that meant another paid internship, or an actual job, I just wanted to have a next step in place. 

Well, I managed to get a job interview out of 25 resumes, but not a job.  I had 3 job leads, which lead nowhere. 

What we expect to happen in life, doesn't always happen.  But that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.

Some of the best things in life are the best things for us because we have can endure the difference between reality and our expectations:  our expectations of other people, of our own needs, of things we want, and things we want to avoid. 

The beautiful thing about life is that expectations can thrill us, can ruin our week, can drop us into a bout of depression, or make us fight to win the day.  We can only look into the future so far, and while we can prepare for the future, we are never truly ready for it.

As they say, "Expect the Unexpected."

VOW: Facts

Today was a very good day

And I am happy I did everything the way I did.  Now I just need money, and my life will be brilliant.

Sleepy

Hey guys, probably will post tomorrow evening, but I need to go to bed currently.  I fell asleep watching basketball and now I need to sort of 'wake up' so I can 'fall asleep.'


I know, it's crazy.


But, it's just been so busy here.  I'm glad my internship is ending...I need some days off to relax a bit, I think....I want to do some fun things for myself.  I haven't drawn in ages, and I have soooo many cartoons to share with you, it's insane!  Well, I'll get there.  My social calendar is swamped this week.  I don't know how I'll find time for everything.

I need to call my mother again to chat.  I think last night was the first time we spoke in probably two months.  =/

Bad Brennan.

Well, we're both busy people.  I did manage to speak with the majority of my family, even during all this busy-ness.

OK, later!

TOW: Connection and Intersection

Spring has sprung, people are happy, the sun is shining, my allergies are killing me.  Everyone is happy.

And the one thing that comes with spring is the feeling of new love.  Happiness, good times, feeling swell, and wearing the ring the quarterback gave you from a Cracker Jack box are just some of the highlights of spring fever.  Nothing like being connected to the one you love. 


Ah, love.  What a subject. 

I have been thinking more and more about what it means to be in love lately.  When is that moment when you say, "I am in love?  I love this person/that person?"  When do we feel love more than just being in love?  What's the difference.

I used to think, quite naively, perhaps, that love for me meant connections.  You know, when you are together, it's like, sparks are flying, there are fireworks in the background, and someone somewhere is playing the Rocky theme while you make out and put your hands up each other's shirts.  Fantastic.

But, I think where I was mistaken is that being in love, and liking the feeling of being love are two different things.  When you really fall for a person, you 'feel' in love.  You feel so connected to that person to the point where all you can think about is how you fit together, hand and glove.  Until they forget your birthday.  At which point they're the scum of the earth.  (And no one would ever forget someone's birthday if that connection was real! Like, OMG, I'm JUST saying!)

Ahem.

What I have realized lately, is that perhaps, and I'm not sure, but perhaps where we intersect with those we love is what matters.  We are all very different, but we all have things that we need and can provide to others in need.  Sometimes the people we love have bad breath, or weird toenails, or can't remember things about us that really matter, and we could probably smack them and feel much happier for it.  But smacking aside, we love people because they intersect with our values and our needs.


Connection is about what I want.  I always want to feel connected to my partner, my lover, my friends, etc.  But the staying power in relationships is knowing where your values match and what needs are being met.  And it's when you can meet at that place where both of you get something you need, that love seems to really happen. 

While it's nice to feel a connection, it's not nice to let that connection rule your relationship.  Your values and your needs should.  And, it's what you share together with someone that makes any kind of love real.

VOW: The Man Your Man Could Smell Like

Look at your man, back at me!  HAHA.

My life is being taken over by randomness

So y'all are going to hafta wait until I organize before I post here.  Maybe that means not until Thursday.

Boy I screwed up

Augh, I HATE it when I really screw-up, relationship-wise.

I feel like such a dirt-bag.  And it's because I was trying to do the right thing, apparently.

I'm such a dummy.

TOW: Proximity versus Rhythm

You know, I love the beat of a bongo drum.  It's kinda fun, and funky at the same time, and anybody can play it.  It's fun, nice sound.  Friendly, even.

However, no one likes drums that sound right in their ears.  A pounding in your head is not a fun sound or feeling.  It's too close.  You want it to be farther away, so you can enjoy it.


Lately, I have been thinking about what kind of person I am, and what kind of people other people are.  In relationships, we have preferences for how we want to interact with people.  We have needs, wants and desires built around two central vibes, two central rules that govern our lives.  There may be more, but I usually find we want one thing or the other more.

Some people like to describe their relationships in distance.  We have people that are close to us, people that are far away, and we feel best when the people we like best are closest to us.  To these people, relationships are better the more we see these people, interact with them on a daily basis in a meaningful way.


Others, I think, fall into the category of rhythm.  It's not about when we see people, but how.  We want our experiences to make sense in a certain time frame, to a certain drum beat, for people to feel our rhythm and get in sync with the way we do things.  We want life to move at a certain pace with certain kind of relationships.  It's not how far, it's how fast, and whether our relationships fit into our personal patterns.


This is directly related to the philosophy of Heidegger.  Heidegger wrote a really big book called Being and Time.  He talked a lot about space, and time, and what they meant to each other.  To make this completely obtuse to most of my readers, in philosophy terms, it means some of us are more interested in Dasien and some of us more interested in Time.


Or, in Brennan terms, some of us are more interested in Proximity, and some of us in Rhythm.

I have found that deep down inside of me, I'm really all about proximity.  I want to keep those special to me close to me.  I used to be a lot more about rhythm,  But that was when everything was easy; I didn't have a care in the world at the time. 

These days, I find I want to be close to the people I care about, and I want them to be close to me.  We can't always be near the ones we love, but we can find ways to keep them in our lives.  And sometimes, yeah, timing matters.  But more importantly, especially during hard times, all that matters is being together.

Or at least that's what I've been thinking lately.

No TOW today

Normally, I would put up a TOW right about now, but I'm a bit busy with enjoying the remnants of my Sunday...that, and I have to go do a crapload of ironing at the moment.  Sigh.  Anyways, should be up tomorrow.

VOW: What Facebook is For

So very true

TOW: Creases

Today was the first day of my internship (and I have a cartoon I'm making specifically for it!  It'll be great!) and today was a total change of pace for me.  I went from having a couple classes a day and socializing all week, to going back to the grind.  It was a change.  I forgot how much of a change.

Now, more importantly, I was ironing today and it got me thinking...I know, I know.  I can already hear you, in your faux British accent, "How DROLL, dah-ling."  That's not the point!

Anyways.

When I was ironing my pants, I never realized this before, but. if you try and line up the creases properly, so that you don't make a double-crease. and officially ruin your pants forever, (because it's impossible to get out a double crease once you get one in.  You might as well buy new pants.) you actually do the thing you don't want to do, and you make a double, sometimes, a triple crease.  I found, today especially, the more you try and line up a crease, and make it work, the less chance it has of happening.  I'm positive I could make this into a graph.  Actually, I will! 

Well, anyways, what I realized from doing this very simple, and quite frankly mundane task, is that there is something to be said for doing things without over-thinking them.  Creases in your pants usually know which way to go so that you have 'happy pants' (ie. not full of mistakes) whereas the more time you spend planning creases, the less time you have to yourself.

If we apply this to life (and when don't I universalize everything small in my life?) it's good to realize that some things are better when we don't try too hard.  Sometimes, the harder we try, the more we fail. And sometimes, the more we relax and let life take the reins in our own lives, the more pants we have.  Er, I mean, the fewer ugly creases we make.  Um....augh! 

So, don't over-think things.  Just do them.  And you'll have your own personal brand of perfection.

And that's the thought of the week.

VOW: I love this horse

I do.  Ahahahahaha.

Holy Man

I'm so tired, you guys.  I had some great ideas for posting, but my head feels like a giant ball that's being bounced around.  I blame the hayfever.  Hopefully there'll be time tomorrow night!

Recipe: Heart Attack Pasta

I know it doesn't look THAT appetizing, but I promise you, this is the tastiest thing I have made in years! *Also a wee bit salty. Eh heh. Yum* As the disclaimer reads, this is pasta dish with a strong sauce, and if you ever wanted to taste MEAT as MEAT SHOULD BE IN A SAUCE, or if you ever wanted to PROVE TO THE WORLD WHAT A MAN YOU ARE, you should eat this pasta! Brennan recommends it!

Ingredients:

1 package of spaghetti

Sauce:

1 pack of Club House mushroom brown gravy

1/2 can of Campbell's Mushroom Soup

6-7 Slices of bacon

1/2 a medium white onion

garlic

salt

butter

Meatballs:

1.5 pounds of ground beef

crackers or bread crumbs

Steak Spice

Grated parmesan cheese

White Onion

And you can't forget this. This...random soy sauce I found! It's like....fifteen years old!

The best part about this is that when I poured it down the drain, it came out like molasses. (EW.)

The sauce should be on medium heat, and it will eventually look like this.

While it's cooking, gently brown the bacon and onions with the garlic and butter in a pan. It will smell amazing. Don't overcook the bacon. I used 4-5 cloves of garlic, but the bacon is the main flavour, it will easily overpower the garlic. YUMMY.

Oh, and speaking of bacon! I decided to chop the bacon roughly into bits here and there. Don't be too concerned about size or shape, it's for flavour. And bacon grease. =D

Put in a bowl some bread crumbs (or cracker crumbs if you forgot to buy bread crumbs at the store like I did.) and mix in the parmesan cheese and spices. You can add more spice, it just depends on what you prefer! I added less spice because the sauce was looking way good at this point!

Roll out no bigger than dollar-sized meatballs...you won't want something bigger than that. (Speaking from experience.) The smaller they are, the faster they cook. These ones took forever, because I decided to make them huge. (I'm a dummy.)

Now you should add the mushroom soup to the gravy mix, and it'll start to smell really heavenly.

Keep cooking the meatballs! Don't forget about them! Also, make sure that the onions are bacon aren't burning!!! Once it's ready, (you should have had the bacon on a really low heat now) pour the bacon and onions, grease and all into your sauce. YUM.

It'll end up looking something like this. I promise you, the smell is amazing. At this point, you'll have to cook the meatballs for about another fifteen minutes, let the sauce simmer, stirring to keep a skin from forming. At this point, boil the past for 8 minutes, and you have a a meal! Make sure to check your pacemaker after you're finished!

Serves 2 generous portions. Add water for more sauce.

TOW: Feelings

This week I've been thinking a lot about my feelings, especially because I've been having all kinds of feelings. First I'm happy, then I'm sad, then I'm happy again, then I'm tired, then I'm all mixed up, and then it starts all over again. And again.

I'm starting to feel like an emotional washing machine. (Never mix the colours and whites in an emotional washing machine. Heh.)

It's weird because I'm usually very set and straight with my feelings. But lately I have been up and down, and all around.

With the future full of uncertainty (and plenty of unpaid internship time!) I sometimes get very up and down about my feelings. I felt like this is a while ago, right when I left Belgium--because I couldn't see the future, and it made me crazy. I need to know what my next step is. ALL THE TIME. OR I GO CRAZY. No one likes the future when it looks hazy. Especially not me.

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

So says an anonymous quoter. And I think they're right.

We can say to ourselves "Don't worry, things will turn out alright," but will they really? I have a month and a half to find a job, and to find that job while working 9-5 (FOR FREE.) and taking extra responsibility as much as possible. And volunteering. And seeing friends and other important people in my life. When am I going to have time to just be me? (Presumably when I have a paycheck attached to my name. Heh.)

Anyways, what I have been thinking about doesn't have an answer, especially because I'm so tired and literally falling asleep at the keyboard. Our feelings will show us a direction and a hint as to the state of our lives as long as we still have a heart. It's not easy to move on, change, or just do things differently. But our hearts demand that we take our feelings seriously. And if we don't we die a little inside every day.

Feelings are difficult to understand, especially when we don't understand them ourselves. But we can only have real relationships in our lives if we confront our feelings, and try and understand them, and act on thoughts and feelings that are clear and distinct.

So think about what you feel, every day, and why you feel it.

That's what I'm doing, currently.

VOW: Dramatic Cat

Cute.

Eating with Edgar!

Edgar took me out for authentic Mexican food today! Yay!







It's meat in salsa verde with some kind of cactus-thingy as a side dish. There are also traditional beans and rice. The cactus-thingy, I forget what Edgar called it, but he lowered his voice when he said, "It's like something older ladies eat." He had to lower his voice because the older ladies were serving it. Heh.








This is me taking an accidental picture of Edgar. Aha. He was going to sort of pose, and then he dropped something, and then the flash went off. Anyways, the eatery is actually inside of this little grocery store, and he just kinda...talked to some ladies in the back in Spanish, told them to make us some stuff, and basically I had so much food I thought I was going to die.

Seriously I haven't eaten that much in ages. But it felt good to eat so much, you know, and have a really hearty meal. I've been eating so meagerly lately that it'd been starting to catch up with me. I was getting groggy from not eating enough. I'm wide awake currently, however! Wohoo! =D

I would definitely go back again, but next time, I think I will be prepared to eat more. He also taught me the right way to roll a taco. Because, apparently, I made it like a wrap. Apparently that makes me a bad guy. LOL.

More pictures coming later! =D

TOW: How Needy

Love me.

I'm begging you.

If you don't, I might just hurl myself off a cliff.

Um, a...cliff....of despair?


...

High maintainence reaction aside, it's been a pretty needy week. I've been feeling needy. Why have I been feeling needy? Probably because I have finally recovered from a very long stint of bad relationships, toxic friendships, and other things that go bump in the night.

It's kind of sad to say those things to yourself, to say, "Yeah, I had some pretty bad relationships in my life. I'm kind of surprised at how easy my life is now that they're not in it."

Of course, the downside of letting people out of your life is that there are holes in your heart. AND THEY'RE STILL BLEEDING. BUT DON'T WORRY. JUST A FLESH WOUND. Er, medic?

Though all this want and desire and pain is that you still have needs. Once you have shaken all the darkness out of your hair, you can finally look in the mirror, and say, "I'm ready to be me again."

That's hard.

Because once you can say that, you can turn your emotions back on because you aren't constantly repressing how you feel. You aren't constantly telling yourself things'll get better. You can finally think that things are better, and you're in a place to enjoy life again, no matter what that means.

Loving yourself is hard.

And once you can love yourself again, you can bring people into your life, and no matter how happy or sad they are, you can love them for who they are, yes, even if they are needier than you.

But that's the easy part. Because love, in all the ways you can love, that's easy. It's when you don't have people to love you in your life that you get needy.

I used to think, it was ok to surround myself with people, and eventually something good would come of it, even if those people weren't right for me. But that's mistaking compassion and patience with your own personal values. Being yourself means surrounding yourself with people who make you more than you are.

And while we all need interaction, sometimes what we need more than anything is interaction with ourselves, so we don't forget what we want. And what we need.

What I have realized is that love doesn't make you needy. Love makes you want more good things to happen and gives you the energy to make those things happen. When we are needy it's because something in our life isn't letting us love ourselves. And we have to be aware of our feelings, so that we can keep them in check, and do the things we really want to with our lives.

Thought of the week up tomorrow

Until then, enjoy the cow cartoon!

VOW: Dancing Cow

In honour of that special day, Intergalactic Cow Day, March 21st! To all my friends!

Happy Intergalatic Cow Day!

Uh oh! It's looking like Cow has landed on some forsaken planet! Whatever will happen to Cow?

This is cool

Thanks Engadget!

Laundry Lingo

Yes, this really happened.

TOW: Putting It Out there.

What's that? You don't remember when the last time something interesting happened in your life?



Me neither. I keep waiting...and WAITING. I mean, people! C'mon! I can have a meal ready in 2 and a half minutes but I can't get any excitement in my life? Why doesn't excitement just walk up to ME? I mean, FIND me already!!!



The Dalai Lama writes and speaks a lot about happiness, which I equivocate with leading 'an exciting life'. While I am not an avid fan, someone did say something aboutthe Dalai Lama and got me thinking about what happiness means. The Dalai Lama says (and is right, by the way) that we are here on earth for happiness. Not all of us are destined for it; but we search for it every single day of our lives.



However.



We only get happiness if we, in the terms of an old friend, "put ourselves out there."



That's because happiness is not an accident. It doesn't 'just happen' to people. We create happiness and build it through our relationships . We see what other people have, we see what we want, and try and make ourselves the kind of people we want to be. We can be fulfilled as human beings.



But we don't get to be happy unless we put ourselves out there. Because true happiness is something hard-earned and found with dilligence. We have to put ourselves out there, out in the wild, where our happiness is; being happy is a combination of our own personal inner peace and our desire to help others and create happiness in other people's lives.



If we don't say, "Hey PERSONAL HAPPINESS. HERE I AM. COME FIND ME." then we'll never find happiness. Because we never asked for it. We just kept silently wishing for it. Sometimes asking for happiness is the only step we needed to tak to be truly happy.



But we won't find it unless we put it out there to become a reality, in front of our eyes. Because wishing for happiness is a nice exercise--but putting ourselves out into the world to find our own happiness--that's when we really start to live.

VOW: Michael Jackson in a Minute

I'm not going to lie...it's a little freaky..

I want one

I mean, really, how AWESOME!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I will be seeing this AS SOON AS IT COMES OUT. Who's with me??? Anybody??? Anydbody???

....

I'm still going to see it.

I'm in LOVE WITH THESE SHOES

http://holykaw.alltop.com/sweet-feet-shoes-to-store-candy


I want them. A sneaker version, please.

TOW: How Many Gears Do I Have?

Some days you're on. Some days, you feel off. Sometimes you feel like you are racing ahead in life, and other times you feel that you are coasting along, barely pedaling.



But most days I feel more like a light switch: on and off.


And other days you just want to turn off.



How many gears does any one person have?



We had an interesting guest speakers in class this week and last in career management. They spoke about what constitutued a work-life balance, and they admitted that my generation has a different idea about work-life balance than previous generations. Apparently, we work to live, we don't live to work.


Sometimes I feel that way. But, work gives me purpose, and gives me meaning. When I'm working, I'm being productive. I like living on the high tension note of break-neck speed. It's my kind of life. I like doing something that is valuable, it's not all about fun in the sun. Because for me, fun means being busy. I like being busy.

And generally, I prefer my life to be more about the things I do, than the time I spend relaxing. I'm not really one for sitting around catching up on DVDs or seasons of random shows I've missed. (In fact, relaxing isn't something I do very well. Heh. Nobody's perfect.)

I have been trying so hard to slow down things in my life, I have now officially slowed them to the point where it's too slow. The bike is hardly moving. I need to switch gears again.


The point of life is to live. And yes, we can live at our own speeds, but we have to do something with our lives for our lives to be meaningful. No one has told us how to live. In fact, more than ever, we live in a kind of world that tells us it won't and it can't tell us how to live.

And while you might think this is bad, it isn't. Because we get to decide how to live our lives. That means we have to be fearless, and not be afraid of the things we don't know and can't predict. And, when we blow a flat tire, we patch it up again. When we take the wrong road, we turn around and we head back. We take the other path we thought about taking in the first place.


Life is about balance. But we can't worry about what side of life we're leaning towards--relaxation or working too hard--because you can't count the cost of being who you really are. Pushing ahead and climbing that hill while your legs are screaming, that's fun sometimes, but we can't always live that way. In the same way, we can't just meander in the countryside for our whole lives. We get bored with ourselves, and with the scenery. A life, a good life, demands that we switch gears, and constantly try to better ourselves, and to enjoy ourselves at the same time.

How many shifts do you need to make to climb your next challenge?

VOW: Queen of the world

While I can't link it, you all should go watch Kathryn Bigelow's acceptance speech for best director at the Oscars this year. Should be on Youtube, or check Oscar.com

While I'm not a fan of award ceremonies in general, she's apparently the first women who has won an Oscar, and also won it over James Cameron, who made Avatar, and is also Bigelow's ex-husband.

The line "Queen of the World" is showing up in every form of media, much to Cameron's chargin, to be sure.

Sofa transforms into bunk bed

Amazing.

TOW: Sick

I'm sick this week. I have a lot to say, but I have too much to do! It will have to wait until another post!

VOW: Video Games Live

A compilation of some of the best music made for 8-bit, done by an orchestra. Amazing!

What I saw walking home from work today

This might be a big deal...

There is apparently someone called Bloom Energy who is created something cleaner than a coal burning plant, and 2x more efficient than a grid-based power source. Check out the link.

TOW: You, 2.0

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week, and most of that thinking revolves around the fact that I am remembering all the things that I used to do, which I enjoyed. You know, like just doing silly things, passing the time, watching internet tv, being crazy, all the sort of things. Mainly, just things that I thought...made me...me.

And it makes me wonder, what happened to that first Brennan, Brennan 1.0? I mean, where did I lose the person I like to be, and started becoming the kind of person, quite frankly, I really hate?

I am going to take you back in time, about eight months ago, to the...RECESSION. *DUN DUN DUN.*


It was a dark time in my life.


And there were a lot of bad things happening (Why do bad things always happen to me between February and May? I have no idea.) and really, it just couldn't get much worse unless I was out on the street, begging for change.

My social life was terrible, I was in a bad situation with work, social life, living in crack-den central and just not enjoying life. Shortly put, I was living the working-class dream. All I was missing was some Bryllcreem and suspenders and I could have been the lead character in an Arthur Miller novel.


Anyways, school started, and instead of working, and repeating the same tasks over and over again, I was learning. And learning something I actually wanted to learn, as opposed to just...learning what one type of bread was called. You know, so I could bag it. Fun.

And now that I am focused not only on learning, but on, you know, enjoying my life again, I feel kind of liberated. Because I kept thinking I was supposed to be this kind of person...you know, adult-like, career-oriented, very focused on the future, always going places and meeting people and doing things, and looking special and being a big deal. (This is what living in a big city does to you. Sigh.) In short, I thought I was supposed to have a boring life.

So, I guess the point is, that 'Me' 2.0, is more like the me I-used-to-be, versus the me-I-was-trying-to-be...I just finally got out of the way of myself.

What I have realized, is the thing that I liked about me in the past, is that my life IS EXCITING, and I like BEING excited about it. And, I had just been missing out on my own excitement, and the doldrums had just gotten to me so hard, that I thought I, really, couldn't have fun anymore. And that I could do the things I loved, and still love them. Who cares what other people think, I should just be me.

And so should you. You, the 'you' you like to be.

VOW: The Dark Knight Meets Superman Part 2

Unfortunately, I can't embed this, but this is QUITE funny, although there is a bit of swearing, but enjoy.

TOW: You can take this job and...

Yes, my employment at *unamed grocery store* has ended. (See ultra-realistic cartoon below for a possible explanation!) And I'm so happy about it. Really.

And why is that? It's because I couldn't have soaked up more negativity from that place if I tried. Between the weekly dramas of people disliking person A, and then moving onto person B when they get bored of disliking person A. And while everyone I know says, "Why don't you just keep it for the cash?" I am reminded of the time I invited my friend Hope to help out with my old youth group job for a night, because she said, "Brennan, they're kids. It can't be that bad."

Her statement at the end of the night was, "Get me OUT OF HERE! I can't handle these kids!"

Well, so much for being a kid-person. Eh heh.

And it was much the same with grocery job. I was killing myself for a few extra bucks a month. And it was killing my sleep and eating patterns. And I was always rushing from place to place like the bloody White Rabbit, constantly yelling, "I'm late! I'm late!"

So, I've really thought about it (along with some, ahem, thought-provoking incidents) and have suspended myself from working there. And, really, it's for the best. Because I have realized, that all that negativity was starting to rub off on me.

I was starting to talking like my boss to the younger employees. The feeling of extreme oppression was starting to eat away at me. While I like working hard, and I like being around people, I don't believe in the product they were selling, and all they did was jerk me around for months about my schedule, call me in the middle of the day, and harass about me leaving at 11:00 or 11:01 at night. Yes. That's right. I was constantly being harassed for being even one minute later than I should have been, whether it was busy or whether the store was dead.

Heaven help anybody who feels as trapped as I did. =/

When I compare it to the good places I've worked, the jobs I've enjoyed, I realize that jobs are like dating. They rub off on you and eventually become part of your personality. Being in an emotionally abusive job is just like being in an emotionally abusive relationship. It needs to end. And even if you're free-falling--the truth is that you're a human being. And you can certainly find someone, somewhere, somehow, that will pay you what you're worth, and treat you with respect. And someday, you're knight in shining armour or your princess will fall out of the sky and you'll ride of into the sunset, ad nauseum.

It can be that good, and I'm starting to be the kinda Brennan I wanna be again. And here's to being the you you wanna be, minus the emotional job abuse.

Cleanin' up the Bakery

This story is only 95 per cent true. Some of it is made up.

Except for the part where I quit. Eh heh.

Why Geeks Make Good Lovers


It's a good post, it will tell you everything you need to know about me. =)\


Happy Valentine's Day!

Too tired

Hey guys, I have stuff to post, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow, since I have my family day time to do that. =)

Until then, here's a pic of my friends Faraz and Derek! We had a great time on Friday! Out till 3am! Crazy!

TOW: Shaddup

You know, I know what people say about me. Eh heh. I talk too much.

I do.

I know.


But, you know, it's not all I do. I also listen, as well. Because, you know, I like having good conversations, and I just like talking to people in general, and talking about what matters to people, what they like, what they don't like, etc. I like having conversations, and meeting new people and trying new things. This is interesting to me.

It has only recently come to my attention that there are some people, no, most people, don't like this. There is a 'cap' on how much good conversation they can have. Even if it's good, some people can only listen so much. Sometimes I get like this, as well, but usually it's only if I get distracted.

I know I get distracted a lot as well. You don't have to tell me.

And all of this revelation has got me thinking, about what I want, and what I need in my life, and how to live it well. In PR, most people talk a lot. In fact, if you think I talk a lot, you should sit in on my classes. It's never-ending chatter. And I mean, chatter. It adds up.

So what I'm thinking, I guess, is that I plan to talk a little less. And speak a little less, and be a little less flippant, and a little more the kind of person I want to be. I like being funny, it's fun to be funny, but there's a limit. I shouldn't do stand-up comedy for free. It's not cool, and really, there are times when the comedy overtakes your ability to listen, and that's the last thing I want.

I talk because I want people to have something to talk about with me, but more than that, I want to be able to listen to other people, and hear what they have to say, really hear it, minus a bunch of distractions. But, again, there's a limit to how much talking is a good idea.

So, new life project for Brennan: Shutting up.


It's a good idea.

VOW: Carly Fiorna's "Demon Sheep Ad"

Cited by NPR as being possibly the WORST TV political ad in existence. I love the sheep